Jokes
9/21/14, 12:02 PM
#461
legacy Tms Member
An elderly couple were having dinner one evening when the husband reached across the table, took his wife's hand in his and said, "Martha, soon we will be married 50 years, and there's something I have to know. In all of these 50 years, have you ever been unfaithful to me?"
Martha replied, "Well Henry, I have to be honest with you. Yes, I've been unfaithful to you three times during these 50 years, but always for a good reason.?
Henry was obviously hurt by his wife's confession, but said, "I never suspected. Can you tell me what you mean by 'good reasons?' "
Martha said, "The first time was shortly after we were married, and we were about to lose our little house because we couldn't pay the mortgage. Do you remember that evening I went to see the banker and the next day he notified you that the loan would be extended?"
Henry recalled the visit to the banker and said, "I can forgive you for that. You saved our home, but what about the second time?"
Martha asked, "Do you remember when you were so sick, but we didn't have the money to pay for the heart surgery you needed? Well, I went to see your doctor one night and, if you recall, he did the surgery at no charge."
"I recall that," said Henry. "And you did it to save my life, so of course I can forgive you for that. Now tell me about the third time."
"All right," Martha said. "So do you remember when you ran for president of your golf club, and you needed 53 more votes?"
Martha replied, "Well Henry, I have to be honest with you. Yes, I've been unfaithful to you three times during these 50 years, but always for a good reason.?
Henry was obviously hurt by his wife's confession, but said, "I never suspected. Can you tell me what you mean by 'good reasons?' "
Martha said, "The first time was shortly after we were married, and we were about to lose our little house because we couldn't pay the mortgage. Do you remember that evening I went to see the banker and the next day he notified you that the loan would be extended?"
Henry recalled the visit to the banker and said, "I can forgive you for that. You saved our home, but what about the second time?"
Martha asked, "Do you remember when you were so sick, but we didn't have the money to pay for the heart surgery you needed? Well, I went to see your doctor one night and, if you recall, he did the surgery at no charge."
"I recall that," said Henry. "And you did it to save my life, so of course I can forgive you for that. Now tell me about the third time."
"All right," Martha said. "So do you remember when you ran for president of your golf club, and you needed 53 more votes?"
9/21/14, 01:18 PM
#462
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9/25/14, 12:38 PM
#463
legacy Tms Member
Irish Family Tradition
Seamus had long heard the stories of an amazing family tradition. It seems that his father, grandfather and great-grandfather had all been able to walk on water on their 18th birthday.
On that special day, they'd each walked across the lake to the pub on the far side for their first legal drink.
So when Seamus's 18th birthday came around, he and his pal Mick, took a boat out to the middle of the lake. Seamus stepped out of the boat... and nearly drowned! Mick just barely managed to pull Seamus to safety.
Furious and confused, Seamus, went to see his grandmother.
'Grandma,' he asked, "Tis me 18th birthday, so why can't I walk 'cross the lake like me father, his father, and his father before him?"
Granny looked deeply into Seamus's, troubled brown eyes and said,
"Because ye father, ye grandfather and ye great-grandfather were all born in December, when the lake is frozen; and ye were born in August, ya fookin' idiot!"
On that special day, they'd each walked across the lake to the pub on the far side for their first legal drink.
So when Seamus's 18th birthday came around, he and his pal Mick, took a boat out to the middle of the lake. Seamus stepped out of the boat... and nearly drowned! Mick just barely managed to pull Seamus to safety.
Furious and confused, Seamus, went to see his grandmother.
'Grandma,' he asked, "Tis me 18th birthday, so why can't I walk 'cross the lake like me father, his father, and his father before him?"
Granny looked deeply into Seamus's, troubled brown eyes and said,
"Because ye father, ye grandfather and ye great-grandfather were all born in December, when the lake is frozen; and ye were born in August, ya fookin' idiot!"
9/25/14, 01:13 PM
#464
Legacy TMS Member
Irish Family Tradition Seamus had long heard the stories of an amazing family tradition. It seems that his father, grandfather and great-grandfather had all been able to walk on water on their 18th birthday. On that special day, they'd each walked across the lake to the pub on the far side for their first legal drink. So when Seamus's 18th birthday came around, he and his pal Mick, took a boat out to the middle of the lake. Seamus stepped out of the boat... and nearly drowned! Mick just barely managed to pull Seamus to safety. Furious and confused, Seamus, went to see his grandmother. 'Grandma,' he asked, "Tis me 18th birthday, so why can't I walk 'cross the lake like me father, his father, and his father before him?" Granny looked deeply into Seamus's, troubled brown eyes and said, "Because ye father, ye grandfather and ye great-grandfather were all born in December, when the lake is frozen; and ye were born in August, ya fookin' idiot!"
9/26/14, 04:48 PM
#465
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Western Chili
This young cowboy walks into a seedy cafe in a small town in West Texas.
He sits at the counter and notices an older cowboy with his arms folded staring blankly at a bowl of chili. After about 15 minutes of just sitting there staring at it, the young cowboy bravely asks, "If you ain't goin to eat that, mind if I do?"
The older cowboy slowly turns his head toward the young wrangler and in his best cowboy manner states "Nah, go ahead."
Eagerly, the young cowboy reaches over and slides the bowl over to his place and starts spooning it in with delight. He gets nearly down to the bottom and notices a rotten dead rat in the chili. The sight was shocking and he immediately pukes up the chili into the bowl.
The old cowboy quietly says, "Yep, that's as far as I got, too."
This young cowboy walks into a seedy cafe in a small town in West Texas.
He sits at the counter and notices an older cowboy with his arms folded staring blankly at a bowl of chili. After about 15 minutes of just sitting there staring at it, the young cowboy bravely asks, "If you ain't goin to eat that, mind if I do?"
The older cowboy slowly turns his head toward the young wrangler and in his best cowboy manner states "Nah, go ahead."
Eagerly, the young cowboy reaches over and slides the bowl over to his place and starts spooning it in with delight. He gets nearly down to the bottom and notices a rotten dead rat in the chili. The sight was shocking and he immediately pukes up the chili into the bowl.
The old cowboy quietly says, "Yep, that's as far as I got, too."
9/27/14, 03:07 AM
#471
A man is playing golf by himself when he comes upon the four some in front of him.
"Excuse me, excuse me" the single golfer says to the four gentleman playing in front of him.
"My wife has fallen deathly ill and only has a few hours to live, do you mind if I play through"
"Excuse me, excuse me" the single golfer says to the four gentleman playing in front of him.
"My wife has fallen deathly ill and only has a few hours to live, do you mind if I play through"
10/15/14, 06:02 AM
#474
legacy Tms Member
Becoming a Monk
Once there was a young man who had decided that he wanted to become a monk, he walked up the mountain and knocked on the massive door, and when the head Monk answered, he told him why he'd come. The head monk told him it took 20 years but he still wanted to do it, so after some rituals, the head monk told him, You have to take a vow of silence for 5 years, then when you come to me you can say 2 words Only. Well at the end of 5 years the young man came down and said, "FOOD COLD" !
The monk told him to go away and do not speak for another 5 years, so he left, Finally after the second 5 years he was allowed to say 2 more words,,, he said "BED HARD"! The monk explained that they All sleep on the same kind of bed and sent him away for a 3rd 5 years with no talking, the young man thought he's Never get through the next 5 years but he made it, and upon meeting with the Monk, his 2 words were "I QUIT"! to which the Monk replied,,,,,, "Well I'm Not surprised, You ain't done nothing but ***** since you Got here" !!!!!!
The monk told him to go away and do not speak for another 5 years, so he left, Finally after the second 5 years he was allowed to say 2 more words,,, he said "BED HARD"! The monk explained that they All sleep on the same kind of bed and sent him away for a 3rd 5 years with no talking, the young man thought he's Never get through the next 5 years but he made it, and upon meeting with the Monk, his 2 words were "I QUIT"! to which the Monk replied,,,,,, "Well I'm Not surprised, You ain't done nothing but ***** since you Got here" !!!!!!
10/23/14, 07:36 PM
#475
legacy Tms Member
A man goes to the confessional. "Forgive me father, for I have sinned."
"What is your sin, my child?" The priest asks back.
"Well," the man starts, "I used some horrible language this week and feel absolutely terrible."
"When did you do use this awful language?" said the priest.
"I was golfing and hit an incredible drive that looked like it was going to go over 300 yards on a par 5 , but it struck a phone line that was hanging over the fairway and fell straight down to the ground after going only about 100 yards."
"Is that when you swore?"
"No, Father." Said the man.
"After that, a squirrel ran out of the bushes and grabbed my ball in his mouth and began to run away."
Is THAT when you swore?" asked the Father again.
"Well, no." said the man, "You see, as the squirrel was running, an eagle came down out of the sky, grabbed the squirrel in his talons and began to fly away!"
"Is THAT when you swore?" asked the amazed Priest.
"No, not yet." The man replied. "As the eagle carried the squirrel away in his claws, it flew towards the green. And as it passed over a bit of forest near the green, the squirrel dropped my ball."
"Did you swear THEN?" asked the now impatient Priest.
"No, because as the ball fell it struck a tree, bounced through some bushes, careened off a big rock, and rolled through a sand trap onto the green and stopped within two feet of the hole."
"You missed the f**king putt, didn't you?" sighed the Priest.
"What is your sin, my child?" The priest asks back.
"Well," the man starts, "I used some horrible language this week and feel absolutely terrible."
"When did you do use this awful language?" said the priest.
"I was golfing and hit an incredible drive that looked like it was going to go over 300 yards on a par 5 , but it struck a phone line that was hanging over the fairway and fell straight down to the ground after going only about 100 yards."
"Is that when you swore?"
"No, Father." Said the man.
"After that, a squirrel ran out of the bushes and grabbed my ball in his mouth and began to run away."
Is THAT when you swore?" asked the Father again.
"Well, no." said the man, "You see, as the squirrel was running, an eagle came down out of the sky, grabbed the squirrel in his talons and began to fly away!"
"Is THAT when you swore?" asked the amazed Priest.
"No, not yet." The man replied. "As the eagle carried the squirrel away in his claws, it flew towards the green. And as it passed over a bit of forest near the green, the squirrel dropped my ball."
"Did you swear THEN?" asked the now impatient Priest.
"No, because as the ball fell it struck a tree, bounced through some bushes, careened off a big rock, and rolled through a sand trap onto the green and stopped within two feet of the hole."
"You missed the f**king putt, didn't you?" sighed the Priest.
10/23/14, 09:29 PM
#478
Cobra Member
Two college coeds were exchange students in Europe and routinely rode their bicycles from their apartment to the university for their classes. One day they decided to go by a different route. As they were riding along one of them said,
"I've never come this way before."
The other one replied,
"Must be the cobble stones."
"I've never come this way before."
The other one replied,
"Must be the cobble stones."
10/23/14, 09:31 PM
#479
2013 RR Boss 302 #2342
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10/23/14, 11:45 PM
#480
NTTAWWT
Hahahahaha!
One more on the golf front:
A lady went out to play. Few minutes later she comes back in the pro shop and asks if they have any benedryl because she got stung by a bee. The club pro asks "well, where'd you get stung at?" She says "in between the first and second hole" he says "well **** lady, you must have been standing right over the nest then!"
One more on the golf front:
A lady went out to play. Few minutes later she comes back in the pro shop and asks if they have any benedryl because she got stung by a bee. The club pro asks "well, where'd you get stung at?" She says "in between the first and second hole" he says "well **** lady, you must have been standing right over the nest then!"