Jokes
8/1/15, 07:03 AM
#581
FR500 Member
An old rancher and a young man were chewing the fat one day and eventually the topic got around to Obama and his role as our president. The old rancher said, 'Well, ya know, Obama is a 'post turtle.''
Not being familiar with the term, the younger man asked him, what a 'post turtle' was.
The old rancher said, “When you're driving down a country road and you come across a fence post with a turtle balanced on top, that's a 'post turtle.”
The young man asked the rancher to explain.
The old rancher replied, "You know he didn't get up there by himself. He doesn't belong up there. He doesn't know what to do while he's there. He's elevated beyond his ability to function. And you just wonder what kind of dumb a$$ put him up there to begin with.”
Not being familiar with the term, the younger man asked him, what a 'post turtle' was.
The old rancher said, “When you're driving down a country road and you come across a fence post with a turtle balanced on top, that's a 'post turtle.”
The young man asked the rancher to explain.
The old rancher replied, "You know he didn't get up there by himself. He doesn't belong up there. He doesn't know what to do while he's there. He's elevated beyond his ability to function. And you just wonder what kind of dumb a$$ put him up there to begin with.”
8/18/15, 09:54 PM
#582
FR500 Member
Barack Obama visits a gypsy fortune teller.
She reads his palm, looks into her crystal ball, and says, "You will die on a Jewish holiday."
Obama asks, "Which Jewish holiday?"
The gypsy replies, "Any day you die will be a Jewish holiday."
She reads his palm, looks into her crystal ball, and says, "You will die on a Jewish holiday."
Obama asks, "Which Jewish holiday?"
The gypsy replies, "Any day you die will be a Jewish holiday."
10/27/15, 12:48 PM
#586
legacy Tms Member
Back in the early 1960's, a young fellow walks into a talent agent's office and says he wants to break into show-biz, so the agent says "OK kid, show me what you do."
The kid tells some jokes, does a little soft shoe, sings a bit, does an acrobatic act with an ottoman, and is good enough to impress the agent.
"Great kid! Just great!" says the agent. "I can do things for ya! I think I can get you a show on TV. By the way, what's your name?"
The young man, proud and excited, exclaims, "***** van Lesbian."
"Excuse me?" questions the agent.
"My name is ***** van Lesbian" again replies the young man.
"Hey I'm sorry kid, you're gonna have to change your name, nobody is gonna hire you with a name like ***** van Lesbian."
Well, the young man is crestfallen but steadfastly refuses to change his name, so he leaves to find another agent.
A few months later he returns to the same agent. "Hey kid! Good to see ya again!" says the agent, "Are ya still looking for work? Have ya changed your name?"
With his head hanging low the young man replies "Yes. Every agent in town turned me down because of my name, ***** van Lesbian. So, I've changed it."
"Great kid, great! What's your new name?"
"Dick van Dyke."
The kid tells some jokes, does a little soft shoe, sings a bit, does an acrobatic act with an ottoman, and is good enough to impress the agent.
"Great kid! Just great!" says the agent. "I can do things for ya! I think I can get you a show on TV. By the way, what's your name?"
The young man, proud and excited, exclaims, "***** van Lesbian."
"Excuse me?" questions the agent.
"My name is ***** van Lesbian" again replies the young man.
"Hey I'm sorry kid, you're gonna have to change your name, nobody is gonna hire you with a name like ***** van Lesbian."
Well, the young man is crestfallen but steadfastly refuses to change his name, so he leaves to find another agent.
A few months later he returns to the same agent. "Hey kid! Good to see ya again!" says the agent, "Are ya still looking for work? Have ya changed your name?"
With his head hanging low the young man replies "Yes. Every agent in town turned me down because of my name, ***** van Lesbian. So, I've changed it."
"Great kid, great! What's your new name?"
"Dick van Dyke."
11/12/15, 09:57 AM
#587
Cobra Member
A few minutes before the church services started, the congregation was sitting in their pews talking.
Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church.
Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate.
Soon the church was empty except for Bill Clinton who sat calmly in his pew without moving, seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence..
So Satan walked up to Bill and said, 'Do you know who I am?'
Clinton replied, 'Yes, I sure do.'
'Aren't you afraid of me?' Satan asked.
'No, I sure am not.' said the calm as a clam Clinton.
.
'Don't you realize I can kill you with one word?' asked Satan.
'Don't doubt it for a minute,' returned Bill, in an even tone.
'Did you know that I can cause you profound, horrifying AGONY for all eternity? persisted Satan.
'Yes.' was the calm reply.
'And you are still not afraid?' asked Satan.
'Nope,' said Bill.
More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, 'Why aren't you afraid of me?'
Bill Clinton calmly replied, 'Been married to your sister for over 30 years.'
Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church.
Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate.
Soon the church was empty except for Bill Clinton who sat calmly in his pew without moving, seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence..
So Satan walked up to Bill and said, 'Do you know who I am?'
Clinton replied, 'Yes, I sure do.'
'Aren't you afraid of me?' Satan asked.
'No, I sure am not.' said the calm as a clam Clinton.
.
'Don't you realize I can kill you with one word?' asked Satan.
'Don't doubt it for a minute,' returned Bill, in an even tone.
'Did you know that I can cause you profound, horrifying AGONY for all eternity? persisted Satan.
'Yes.' was the calm reply.
'And you are still not afraid?' asked Satan.
'Nope,' said Bill.
More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, 'Why aren't you afraid of me?'
Bill Clinton calmly replied, 'Been married to your sister for over 30 years.'
11/18/15, 02:35 PM
#588
FR500 Member
A 93 year old woman is pulled over for speeding. When the policeman looks at her credentials he sees that she has a concealed carry permit.
"Do you have any weapons in the car M'am?"
"Why yes officer. There's a .38 in my center console".
The policeman secures the gun and asks the woman if she has anything else.
"Yes sir", says the woman. There's a 9mm Glock in the glove box. And I might as well tell you that I have a .357 Magnum under my seat. And oh, I almost forgot....there's an AR-15 and a shotgun in the trunk".
"Wow, exclaims the cop. That's quite an arsenal. What are you so afraid of?"
The old woman replies, "Nothing...not a godamn thing".
"Do you have any weapons in the car M'am?"
"Why yes officer. There's a .38 in my center console".
The policeman secures the gun and asks the woman if she has anything else.
"Yes sir", says the woman. There's a 9mm Glock in the glove box. And I might as well tell you that I have a .357 Magnum under my seat. And oh, I almost forgot....there's an AR-15 and a shotgun in the trunk".
"Wow, exclaims the cop. That's quite an arsenal. What are you so afraid of?"
The old woman replies, "Nothing...not a godamn thing".
12/3/15, 06:28 PM
#589
Cobra Member
This morning, the Muslim Brotherhood warned the United States that if the U.S. continues meddling in Egypt, Libya, and other potential hot spots in the Middle East, they intend to cut off America 's supply of 7-11 and Motel 6 managers.
If this action does not yield sufficient results, cab drivers will be next, followed by Dell, AT&T, and AOL customer service reps.
Finally, if all else fails, they have threatened not to send us any more presidents.
It's getting ugly out there folks.
If this action does not yield sufficient results, cab drivers will be next, followed by Dell, AT&T, and AOL customer service reps.
Finally, if all else fails, they have threatened not to send us any more presidents.
It's getting ugly out there folks.
12/13/15, 10:18 AM
#592
This morning, the Muslim Brotherhood warned the United States that if the U.S. continues meddling in Egypt, Libya, and other potential hot spots in the Middle East, they intend to cut off America 's supply of 7-11 and Motel 6 managers.
If this action does not yield sufficient results, cab drivers will be next, followed by Dell, AT&T, and AOL customer service reps.
Finally, if all else fails, they have threatened not to send us any more presidents.
It's getting ugly out there folks.
If this action does not yield sufficient results, cab drivers will be next, followed by Dell, AT&T, and AOL customer service reps.
Finally, if all else fails, they have threatened not to send us any more presidents.
It's getting ugly out there folks.
12/13/15, 01:41 PM
#594
Cobra Member
Some have asked what I've been doing in retirement.
Well, I applied for a building permit for a new house.
It was going to be 15 metres tall and 130 metres wide with 12 gun turrets at various heights and windows all over the place and a loud outside entertainment sound system. It would have parking for 200 cars and I was going to paint it snot green with pink trim. Then I was going to hire some idiot to stand on top of it and SCREAM as loud as he could three or four times a day.
The City Council told me, Forget it..... AIN'T GONNA HAPPEN !!!
So. I sent the application again, but this time I called it a 'Mosque.'
Work starts on Monday, and the best part is, it's going to be tax exempt.
I love this country.
It's the government that scares me
Well, I applied for a building permit for a new house.
It was going to be 15 metres tall and 130 metres wide with 12 gun turrets at various heights and windows all over the place and a loud outside entertainment sound system. It would have parking for 200 cars and I was going to paint it snot green with pink trim. Then I was going to hire some idiot to stand on top of it and SCREAM as loud as he could three or four times a day.
The City Council told me, Forget it..... AIN'T GONNA HAPPEN !!!
So. I sent the application again, but this time I called it a 'Mosque.'
Work starts on Monday, and the best part is, it's going to be tax exempt.
I love this country.
It's the government that scares me
4/13/16, 05:17 PM
#595
legacy Tms Member
A man lost an arm when his golf cart rolled over on him on a down slope. He became very depressed because he loved to play golf. One day in his despair, he decided to commit suicide and end it all.
He got on an elevator and went to the top of a building to jump off.
He was standing on the ledge looking down and saw this man down on the sidewalk skipping along, whooping and kicking up his heels. He looked closer and saw that this man didn't have any arms at all.
He started thinking, "What am I doing up here feeling sorry for myself? I still have one good arm to do things with."
He thought, "There goes a man with no arms skipping down the sidewalk so happy, and going on with his life."
He hurried down to the sidewalk and caught up with the man with no arms. He told him how glad he was to see him because he lost one of his arms and felt useless and was going to kill himself. He thanked him for saving his life and said he knew he could make it with one arm if the guy could go on with no arms.
The man with no arms began dancing and whooping and kicking up his heels again.
He asked, "Why are you so happy anyway?"
He said, "I'm NOT happy. My ***** itch !!"
He got on an elevator and went to the top of a building to jump off.
He was standing on the ledge looking down and saw this man down on the sidewalk skipping along, whooping and kicking up his heels. He looked closer and saw that this man didn't have any arms at all.
He started thinking, "What am I doing up here feeling sorry for myself? I still have one good arm to do things with."
He thought, "There goes a man with no arms skipping down the sidewalk so happy, and going on with his life."
He hurried down to the sidewalk and caught up with the man with no arms. He told him how glad he was to see him because he lost one of his arms and felt useless and was going to kill himself. He thanked him for saving his life and said he knew he could make it with one arm if the guy could go on with no arms.
The man with no arms began dancing and whooping and kicking up his heels again.
He asked, "Why are you so happy anyway?"
He said, "I'm NOT happy. My ***** itch !!"
7/16/16, 08:17 AM
#596
legacy Tms Member
A man went to church one day and afterwards he stopped to shake the preacher's hand. He said, 'Preacher, I'll tell you, that was a damned fine sermon. Damned good!'
The preacher said, 'Thank you sir, but I'd rather you didn't use profanity.'
The man continued, 'I was so damned impressed with that sermon I put five thousand dollars in the offering plate!'
The preacher said, 'No sh*t?'
The preacher said, 'Thank you sir, but I'd rather you didn't use profanity.'
The man continued, 'I was so damned impressed with that sermon I put five thousand dollars in the offering plate!'
The preacher said, 'No sh*t?'
7/16/16, 04:34 PM
#597
2013 RR Boss 302 #2342
Join Date: March 6, 2012
Location: Lancaster, PA
Posts: 11,668
Likes: 0
Received 2,174 Likes
on
1,621 Posts
10/1/16, 12:09 PM
#598
legacy Tms Member
Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump go into a bakery.
As soon as they enter the bakery, Hillary steals three pastries and puts them in her pocket.
She says to Donald, "See how clever I am?
The owner didn't see anything and I don't even need to lie." I will definitely win the election.
The Donald says to Hillary, "That's the typical dishonesty you have displayed throughout your entire life, trickery and deceit.
I am going to show you an honest way to get the same result."
Donald goes to the owner of the bakery and says, "Give me a pastry and I will show you a magic trick."
Intrigued, the owner accepts and gives him a pastry.
Trump swallows it and asks for another one. The owner gives him another one.
Then Donald asks for a third pastry and eats that, too.
The owner is starting to wonder where the magic trick is and asks, "What did you do with the pastries?"
Trump replies, "Look in Hillary's pocket"
As soon as they enter the bakery, Hillary steals three pastries and puts them in her pocket.
She says to Donald, "See how clever I am?
The owner didn't see anything and I don't even need to lie." I will definitely win the election.
The Donald says to Hillary, "That's the typical dishonesty you have displayed throughout your entire life, trickery and deceit.
I am going to show you an honest way to get the same result."
Donald goes to the owner of the bakery and says, "Give me a pastry and I will show you a magic trick."
Intrigued, the owner accepts and gives him a pastry.
Trump swallows it and asks for another one. The owner gives him another one.
Then Donald asks for a third pastry and eats that, too.
The owner is starting to wonder where the magic trick is and asks, "What did you do with the pastries?"
Trump replies, "Look in Hillary's pocket"
