A guy walks into the library and asks the librarian

"Do you have the book for guys with a small *****?"

"I don't think its in yet."

"Yeah, that's the one."

 

I went to the doctor for a physical and he told me I had to quit masturbating.

I asked why and he said "because I'm trying to give you a physical!"

 

I also went to the doctors and he told me I'm overweight so I said hey Doc I'd like a second opinion and he replied ok your ugly too!
THE LATE GREAT RODNEY DANGERFIELD

 

An 80 year old couple were having oral sex.

The old man says "I can't stay down there too long. It really stinks."

The woman apologizes and says "Sorry, it's my arthritis."

"You have arthritis in your vagina?" asks the man.

"No" says the woman. "It's in my shoulder. I can't wipe my ****."

 

A man comes home, finds his wife in bed with another man, and asks, “What is this?!?” The wife turns to her lover and says, “See, I told you he was stupid!”

 

Ralph is driving home one evening, when he suddenly realizes that it's his daughter's birthday and he hasn't bought her a present. He drives to the mall, runs to the toy store, and says to the shop assistant, "How much is that Barbie in the window?" In a condescending manner, she says, "Which Barbie?" She continues, "We have Barbie Goes to the Gym for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Ball for $19.95, Barbie Goes Shopping for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Beach for $19.95, Barbie Goes Nightclubbing for $19.95, and Divorced Barbie for $265.00." Ralph asks, "Why is the Divorced Barbie $265.00 when all the others are only $19.95?" "That's obvious," the saleslady says. "Divorced Barbie comes with Ken's house, Ken's car, Ken's boat, Ken's furniture..."

 

A man is at the drug store buying condoms. The cashier asks "would you like a bag?" "Nah", he says. "She's not that ugly."

 

Did you hear about the cannibal who ran into the jungle and threw up his arms?

What's green and sits around swimming pools?

Paddy O'furniture.

 

Sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeding drivers,
a State Police Officer sees a car puttering along at 22 MPH.
He thinks to himself, “This driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!”
So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over.

Approaching the car, he notices that there are five old ladies —
two in the front seat and three in the back - eyes wide and white as ghosts.
The driver, obviously confused, says to him, “Officer, I don’t understand, I was doing
exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the problem?”

“Ma’am,” the officer replies, “You weren’t speeding, but you should know that driving
slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers.”

“Slower than the speed limit?” she asked. No sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly...
22 miles an hour!” the old woman says a bit proudly.

The State Police officer, trying to contain a chuckle explains to her
that “22” was the route number, not the speed limit. A bit embarrassed,
the woman grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out her error.

“But before I let you go, Ma’am, I have to ask...
Is everyone in this car ok? These women seem awfully shaken and they
haven’t muttered a single peep this whole time.” the officer asks.

“Oh, they’ll be alright in a minute officer. We just got off Route 119.”

 

 

Robert was due to inherit a fortune when his sickly father died.
He decided he needed a woman to enjoy it with, so went to a singles bar where he met a woman whose beauty took his breath away.
“Right now I’m just an ordinary bloke,” he told her, “but within a couple of months my father will pass away and I’ll inherit 30 million dollars.”

The woman went home with Robert that night and four days later became his stepmother

 

Bob the boss was suffering a minor cash-flow problem so decided he'd have to reduce staff numbers by at least one to manage his way through it. But he couldn't decide who to let go.
He finally whittled it down to a choice between two: Jack or Jill as they were the two most recently employed.
To make his choice the next day he thought he'd get rid of the first one to visit the water-cooler.
Jill, after a night out with her friends on the drinking binge came to work next day and headed straight for the cooler.
So Bob the boss walked up to her and said "I've decided I have to either lay you or Jack off..."
Jill interrupted him with the reply "Could you jack off? I feel like s**t."

 

that butt in the pic is not just awesome

 

too skinny

 

X1000

 

I need a fat pooper on my old lady

 

I prefer she not have any Y chromosomes.

 

LOL not really picky huh