Jokes
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I ♥ Sausage
I ♥ Sausage
Joined: April 4, 2007
Posts: 20,164
Likes: 643
From: Just outside the middle of nowhere
A new study has found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than men who mention it.
Legacy TMS Member
Joined: January 6, 2006
Posts: 14,053
Likes: 166
From: Bay Area, CA
Barack Obama was visiting a primary school in North Carolina and visited a fourth grade class. They were in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings. The teacher asked the president if he would like to lead the discussion on the word 'tragedy.' So our illustrious president asked the class for an example of a 'tragedy'. One little boy stood up and offered: "If my best friend, who lives on a farm, is playing in the field and a tractor runs him over and kills him, that would be a tragedy." "No," said Obama, "that would be an accident." A little girl raised her hand: "If a school bus carrying 50 children drove off a cliff, killing everyone, that would be a tragedy." "I'm afraid not," explained Obama. "That's what we would call great loss." The room went silent. No other child volunteered. Obama searched the room. "Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?" Finally at the back of the room, Little Johnny raised his hand. The teacher held her breath. In a quiet voice he said: "If the plane carrying you and Mrs. Obama was struck by a 'friendly fire' missile and blown to smithereens that would be a tragedy." "Fantastic!" exclaimed Obama. "That's right. And can you tell me why that would be a tragedy?" "Well," says Johnny, "It has to be a tragedy, because it sure as hell wouldn't be a great loss... and you can bet your sweet *** it wouldn't be an accident either!" The teacher left the room.. 
I love Little Johnny lmao
legacy Tms Member
Joined: January 27, 2007
Posts: 4,617
Likes: 176
From: alerbamer
a woman has twins but is forced to give them up at birth .. one of them goes to a family in egypt and is named " Ahmal " ..the other goes to a family in spain and is named " Juan " .. years later Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother .. the mother then wishes she could see Ahmal .. her husband then tells her ..they`re twins " if you`ve seen juan .. you`ve seen Ahmal
Mach 1 Member
Joined: November 26, 2012
Posts: 1,056
Likes: 0
From: South Carolina
Barack Obama was visiting a primary school in North Carolina and visited a fourth grade class. They were in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings. The teacher asked the president if he would like to lead the discussion on the word 'tragedy.' So our illustrious president asked the class for an example of a 'tragedy'. One little boy stood up and offered: "If my best friend, who lives on a farm, is playing in the field and a tractor runs him over and kills him, that would be a tragedy." "No," said Obama, "that would be an accident." A little girl raised her hand: "If a school bus carrying 50 children drove off a cliff, killing everyone, that would be a tragedy." "I'm afraid not," explained Obama. "That's what we would call great loss." The room went silent. No other child volunteered. Obama searched the room. "Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?" Finally at the back of the room, Little Johnny raised his hand. The teacher held her breath. In a quiet voice he said: "If the plane carrying you and Mrs. Obama was struck by a 'friendly fire' missile and blown to smithereens that would be a tragedy." "Fantastic!" exclaimed Obama. "That's right. And can you tell me why that would be a tragedy?" "Well," says Johnny, "It has to be a tragedy, because it sure as hell wouldn't be a great loss... and you can bet your sweet *** it wouldn't be an accident either!" The teacher left the room..
FR500 Member
Joined: May 22, 2014
Posts: 3,574
Likes: 118
From: Rockaway, NJ
A young bull and an old bull were on a hill overlooking a herd of cows. Off to the right away from the herd was a young calf grazing by herself.
The young bull says, "Hey old man. Whaddya say we run down the hill and f*ck that cute little thing?"
Says the old bull, "I got a better idea. Let's walk down and f*ck them all.
The young bull says, "Hey old man. Whaddya say we run down the hill and f*ck that cute little thing?"
Says the old bull, "I got a better idea. Let's walk down and f*ck them all.
FR500 Member
Joined: May 22, 2014
Posts: 3,574
Likes: 118
From: Rockaway, NJ
A man strikes up a conversation with a pretty woman on a long airline flight. She tells him that she's headed to the west coast on business.
He asks her name. "Sandra', she replies.
"So, what business are you in Sandra?" he asks.
She replies, "I'm a sex researcher and I'm going to Los Angeles to give a lecture about what type of men make the best lovers"
"Fascinating", says the man. "Do you mind explaining?"
"Well, she answers, most people think that French and Italian men are the most virile. But my studies have proven that Jewish men have the most stamina in bed, American Indians are the most passionate lovers, and Southern men, especially rednecks, have the largest erections".
She asks, "and what's your name?"
He replies "Tonto. Tonto Schwartz. But my friends call me Bubba."
He asks her name. "Sandra', she replies.
"So, what business are you in Sandra?" he asks.
She replies, "I'm a sex researcher and I'm going to Los Angeles to give a lecture about what type of men make the best lovers"
"Fascinating", says the man. "Do you mind explaining?"
"Well, she answers, most people think that French and Italian men are the most virile. But my studies have proven that Jewish men have the most stamina in bed, American Indians are the most passionate lovers, and Southern men, especially rednecks, have the largest erections".
She asks, "and what's your name?"
He replies "Tonto. Tonto Schwartz. But my friends call me Bubba."
Legacy TMS Member
Joined: January 6, 2006
Posts: 14,053
Likes: 166
From: Bay Area, CA
A man strikes up a conversation with a pretty woman on a long airline flight. She tells him that she's headed to the west coast on business. He asks her name. "Sandra', she replies. "So, what business are you in Sandra?" he asks. She replies, "I'm a sex researcher and I'm going to Los Angeles to give a lecture about what type of men make the best lovers" "Fascinating", says the man. "Do you mind explaining?" "Well, she answers, most people think that French and Italian men are the most virile. But my studies have proven that Jewish men have the most stamina in bed, American Indians are the most passionate lovers, and Southern men, especially rednecks, have the largest erections". She asks, "and what's your name?" He replies "Tonto. Tonto Schwartz. But my friends call me Bubba."
Cobra Member
Joined: January 4, 2013
Posts: 1,418
Likes: 118
From: Frisco, TX
Having arrived at the Gates of Heaven, Barack Obama meets a man with a beard.
'Are you Mohammed?' he asks.
'No my son, I am St. Peter; Mohammed is higher up.'
Peter then points to a ladder that rises into the clouds.
Delighted that Mohammed should be higher than St. Peter, Obama climbs the ladder in great strides, climbs up through the clouds and comes into a room where he meets another bearded man.
He asks again, 'Are you Mohammed?'
'Why no,' he answers, 'I am Moses; Mohammed is higher still.'
Exhausted, but with a heart full of joy he climbs the ladder yet again. He
discovers a larger room where he meets an angelic looking man with a beard. Full of hope, he asks again, 'Are you Mohammed?'
'No, I am Jesus, the Christ; you will find Mohammed higher up.'
Mohammed higher than Jesus! Man, oh man! Obama can hardly contain his delight and climbs and climbs ever higher.
Once again, he reaches an even larger room where he meets this truly magnificent looking man with a silver white beard and once again repeats his question:
'Are you Mohammed?' he gasps as he is by now, totally out of breath from all his climbing.
'No, my son, I am Almighty God, the Alpha and the Omega, but you look exhausted. Would you like a cup of coffee?'
Obama says, 'Yes please!' As God looks behind him, he claps his hands and yells out: "Yo, Mohammed, two coffees!"
'Are you Mohammed?' he asks.
'No my son, I am St. Peter; Mohammed is higher up.'
Peter then points to a ladder that rises into the clouds.
Delighted that Mohammed should be higher than St. Peter, Obama climbs the ladder in great strides, climbs up through the clouds and comes into a room where he meets another bearded man.
He asks again, 'Are you Mohammed?'
'Why no,' he answers, 'I am Moses; Mohammed is higher still.'
Exhausted, but with a heart full of joy he climbs the ladder yet again. He
discovers a larger room where he meets an angelic looking man with a beard. Full of hope, he asks again, 'Are you Mohammed?'
'No, I am Jesus, the Christ; you will find Mohammed higher up.'
Mohammed higher than Jesus! Man, oh man! Obama can hardly contain his delight and climbs and climbs ever higher.
Once again, he reaches an even larger room where he meets this truly magnificent looking man with a silver white beard and once again repeats his question:
'Are you Mohammed?' he gasps as he is by now, totally out of breath from all his climbing.
'No, my son, I am Almighty God, the Alpha and the Omega, but you look exhausted. Would you like a cup of coffee?'
Obama says, 'Yes please!' As God looks behind him, he claps his hands and yells out: "Yo, Mohammed, two coffees!"
Cobra Member
Joined: January 4, 2013
Posts: 1,418
Likes: 118
From: Frisco, TX
Obama is in London attending a State dinner and is seated next to the Queen. Her turns to her and asks,
"Your Majesty, how do you keep things running so efficiently?"
She replies, "You surround yourself with intelligent people."
Obama asks, "But how do you know they are REALLY intelligent?"
The Queen replies, "You ask them questions that require them to use their intelligence. I'll demonstrate for you."
She turns to an aid and says, "Please ask former Prime Minister Tony Blair to come over."
When Blair arrives the Queen says to him, "Mr. Blair I have a riddle for you. Your father and mother have a child who is not your brother and not your sister. Who is it?"
Blair replies, "That's easy Your Majesty. It's me."
When Obama returns to Washington he calls in Joe Biden and says, "Joe, I have a riddle for you. Your father and mother have a child who is not your brother and not your sister. Who is it?"
Biden scratches his head and says, "I'll have to think about that one and get back to you."
He poses the riddle to all of his staff and none can answer it. Then he sees Paul Ryan in the Congressional cafeteria. He poses the riddle to Ryan who replies, "That's easy Joe. It's me."
Biden returns to Obama and says, "I have an answer to that riddle. It's Paul Ryan."
Obama says, "No, you idiot! It's not Paul Ryan. It's Tony Blair."
"Your Majesty, how do you keep things running so efficiently?"
She replies, "You surround yourself with intelligent people."
Obama asks, "But how do you know they are REALLY intelligent?"
The Queen replies, "You ask them questions that require them to use their intelligence. I'll demonstrate for you."
She turns to an aid and says, "Please ask former Prime Minister Tony Blair to come over."
When Blair arrives the Queen says to him, "Mr. Blair I have a riddle for you. Your father and mother have a child who is not your brother and not your sister. Who is it?"
Blair replies, "That's easy Your Majesty. It's me."
When Obama returns to Washington he calls in Joe Biden and says, "Joe, I have a riddle for you. Your father and mother have a child who is not your brother and not your sister. Who is it?"
Biden scratches his head and says, "I'll have to think about that one and get back to you."
He poses the riddle to all of his staff and none can answer it. Then he sees Paul Ryan in the Congressional cafeteria. He poses the riddle to Ryan who replies, "That's easy Joe. It's me."
Biden returns to Obama and says, "I have an answer to that riddle. It's Paul Ryan."
Obama says, "No, you idiot! It's not Paul Ryan. It's Tony Blair."
I know a guy that is addicted to drinking brake fluid. He says he can stop at any time.