Jokes
6/30/14, 05:56 PM
#421
Legacy TMS Member
Morris Schwartz is on his deathbed, knows the end is near, and is with his nurse, his wife, his daughter and 2 sons. "So", he says to them: "Bernie, I want you to take the Beverly Hills houses." "Sybil, take the apartments over in Los Angeles Plaza." "Hymie, I want you to take the offices over in City Center." "Sarah, my dear wife, please take all the residential buildings downtown." The nurse is just blown away by all this, and as Morris slips away, she says , "Mrs. Schwartz, your husband must have been such a hard working man to have accumulated all this property". Sarah replies, "Property? ... it's his paper route!" 
6/30/14, 06:42 PM
#422
Shelby GT350 Member
Morris Schwartz is on his deathbed, knows the end is near, and is with his nurse, his wife, his daughter and 2 sons. "So", he says to them: "Bernie, I want you to take the Beverly Hills houses." "Sybil, take the apartments over in Los Angeles Plaza." "Hymie, I want you to take the offices over in City Center." "Sarah, my dear wife, please take all the residential buildings downtown." The nurse is just blown away by all this, and as Morris slips away, she says , "Mrs. Schwartz, your husband must have been such a hard working man to have accumulated all this property". Sarah replies, "Property? ... it's his paper route!"
6/30/14, 07:25 PM
#423
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7/3/14, 06:55 AM
#425
FR500 Member
An 87 year old man goes to the doctor for his annual check up.
After running tests, the doctor says "I'm afraid I've got some bad news. You have AIDS".
The old man is floored. "How could that be? What do I do now? This is the most horrible news ever!"
The doctor says, "I'm afraid it gets worse. You have Alzheimers too".
The old man replies, "Thank God doc. I thought you were going to tell me I had AIDS".
After running tests, the doctor says "I'm afraid I've got some bad news. You have AIDS".
The old man is floored. "How could that be? What do I do now? This is the most horrible news ever!"
The doctor says, "I'm afraid it gets worse. You have Alzheimers too".
The old man replies, "Thank God doc. I thought you were going to tell me I had AIDS".
7/3/14, 07:01 AM
#426
FR500 Member
A lawyer is working late one night when all of a sudden Satan appears before him.
Says the devil, "I have the power to make you the most famous attorney in the world. I can give you riches and fame beyond your wildest dreams. Presidents and heads of state will seek your counsel. Movie stars will want to be seen with you. Kings and queens will bow in your presence. And all you have to do is give me your soul, the souls of your wife and children, and the souls of all your business partners."
The lawyer says, "So what's the catch?"
Says the devil, "I have the power to make you the most famous attorney in the world. I can give you riches and fame beyond your wildest dreams. Presidents and heads of state will seek your counsel. Movie stars will want to be seen with you. Kings and queens will bow in your presence. And all you have to do is give me your soul, the souls of your wife and children, and the souls of all your business partners."
The lawyer says, "So what's the catch?"
7/3/14, 07:18 AM
#427
FR500 Member
The teacher is giving an arithmetic lesson.
"There are 10 birds on a fence. A farmer shoots one of them. How many birds are left?"
Little Johnny raises his hand and replies, "None. There are no birds left."
The teacher asks how he came up with that answer.
"Well, says Johnny, Once the gun goes off it'll scare the other birds away."
The teacher says, "I'm sorry, but the correct answer is 9. But I like the way you think!"
Johnny says, "Well I have a question for you. Three women go to Dairy Queen and order ice cream cones. The first woman licks the cone very slowly being careful not to get any ice cream on herself."
"The second lady swallows the whole cone in one big gulp".
"And the third woman lets the ice cream melt, then rubs it all over her face and lets it drip down her blouse".
He asks, "So then, which one of the women just got married?"
The teacher, a bit embarrased but realizing she should answer Johnny's question replies "Well, I guess it would be the first woman who just got married".
Says Johnny, "No teacher. The married one has a wedding ring on her finger. But I like the way you think!!!!"
"There are 10 birds on a fence. A farmer shoots one of them. How many birds are left?"
Little Johnny raises his hand and replies, "None. There are no birds left."
The teacher asks how he came up with that answer.
"Well, says Johnny, Once the gun goes off it'll scare the other birds away."
The teacher says, "I'm sorry, but the correct answer is 9. But I like the way you think!"
Johnny says, "Well I have a question for you. Three women go to Dairy Queen and order ice cream cones. The first woman licks the cone very slowly being careful not to get any ice cream on herself."
"The second lady swallows the whole cone in one big gulp".
"And the third woman lets the ice cream melt, then rubs it all over her face and lets it drip down her blouse".
He asks, "So then, which one of the women just got married?"
The teacher, a bit embarrased but realizing she should answer Johnny's question replies "Well, I guess it would be the first woman who just got married".
Says Johnny, "No teacher. The married one has a wedding ring on her finger. But I like the way you think!!!!"
Last edited by TripleBlack14; 7/3/14 at 07:34 AM.
7/3/14, 07:43 AM
#428
FR500 Member
A guy begins dating a beautiful woman and really begins to fall for her. But he is a little disturbed about a quirk she has.....she's always grabbing his *****. When they go out to eat, she reaches under the table and touches his crotch. In church she grabs his *********. When he's visiting his family with, she cops a feel whenever she can.
Still, the man loves this women, so one night after making love he says, "Ya know, I feel very strongly about you. I get a lot of positive vibes about our relationship and I'd like to take it to the next level. But I have a question for you.....why are you always touching my *****?"
Says the girl, "Because I miss mine."
Still, the man loves this women, so one night after making love he says, "Ya know, I feel very strongly about you. I get a lot of positive vibes about our relationship and I'd like to take it to the next level. But I have a question for you.....why are you always touching my *****?"
Says the girl, "Because I miss mine."
7/3/14, 07:51 PM
#429
7/23/14, 01:57 PM
#430
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No dictionary has ever been able to define the difference between "complete" and "finished". However, in a linguistic conference, held in London England, and attended by some of the best linguists in the world, Samsundar Balgobin, a Guyanese was the clever winner.
His final challenge was this. Some say there is no difference between "complete" and "finished". Please explain the difference in a way that is easy to understand.
His response was: When you marry the right woman, you are "complete".
If you marry the wrong woman, you are "finished".
And, when the right one catches you with the wrong one, you are "completely finished". His answer received a five minute standing ovation.
His final challenge was this. Some say there is no difference between "complete" and "finished". Please explain the difference in a way that is easy to understand.
His response was: When you marry the right woman, you are "complete".
If you marry the wrong woman, you are "finished".
And, when the right one catches you with the wrong one, you are "completely finished". His answer received a five minute standing ovation.
7/23/14, 02:19 PM
#431
Legacy TMS Member
No dictionary has ever been able to define the difference between "complete" and "finished". However, in a linguistic conference, held in London England, and attended by some of the best linguists in the world, Samsundar Balgobin, a Guyanese was the clever winner. His final challenge was this. Some say there is no difference between "complete" and "finished". Please explain the difference in a way that is easy to understand. His response was: When you marry the right woman, you are "complete". If you marry the wrong woman, you are "finished". And, when the right one catches you with the wrong one, you are "completely finished". His answer received a five minute standing ovation.
7/23/14, 11:31 PM
#432
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What did the zero say to the eight?
Nice belt!
How do you drown a hipster?
You throw them into the mainstream!
Nice belt!
How do you drown a hipster?
You throw them into the mainstream!
8/11/14, 12:25 PM
#433
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I had had a few at the pub the other night when I overheard three hefty women talking at the bar.
Their accent sounded Scottish, so I approached and asked, "Hello, are you three lassies from Scotland?"
One of them angrily responded, "It's Wales, Wales you bleedin idiot!"
So I apologized and replied, "I am so sorry. Are you three whales from Scotland?"
And that's the last thing I remember until I awoke in post op.
Their accent sounded Scottish, so I approached and asked, "Hello, are you three lassies from Scotland?"
One of them angrily responded, "It's Wales, Wales you bleedin idiot!"
So I apologized and replied, "I am so sorry. Are you three whales from Scotland?"
And that's the last thing I remember until I awoke in post op.
Last edited by cdynaco; 8/11/14 at 12:26 PM.
8/22/14, 03:22 PM
#434
A few days after Christmas, A mother was working in the kitchen listening to her son playing with his new electric train set in the living room. She heard the train stop and her son yell "All you sons of *****es who want to get off, get the hell off now, because this is the last stop! All of you sons of *****es that are getting on, get your asses in the train cause were leaving". The mother went in and told her son, "we don't use that kind of language in this house." Now I want you to go into your room for two hours. When you come out, you can play with your train, but I don't want to hear any bad language.
Two hours later, the son comes out of his room and continues playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard the son say, "All passengers who are disembarking the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for riding with us today and hope your ride was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon. For those of you who are just boarding the train, we ask that you stow all of your hand luggage under the seat, remember there is no smoking except on the club car. We hope you have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today".
"For those of you who are pissed off with the two hour delay , please see the b**** in the kitchen."
Two hours later, the son comes out of his room and continues playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard the son say, "All passengers who are disembarking the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for riding with us today and hope your ride was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon. For those of you who are just boarding the train, we ask that you stow all of your hand luggage under the seat, remember there is no smoking except on the club car. We hope you have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today".
"For those of you who are pissed off with the two hour delay , please see the b**** in the kitchen."
8/22/14, 06:20 PM
#435
Mach 1 Member
Join Date: November 26, 2012
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A few days after Christmas, A mother was working in the kitchen listening to her son playing with his new electric train set in the living room. She heard the train stop and her son yell "All you sons of *****es who want to get off, get the hell off now, because this is the last stop! All of you sons of *****es that are getting on, get your asses in the train cause were leaving". The mother went in and told her son, "we don't use that kind of language in this house." Now I want you to go into your room for two hours. When you come out, you can play with your train, but I don't want to hear any bad language. Two hours later, the son comes out of his room and continues playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard the son say, "All passengers who are disembarking the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for riding with us today and hope your ride was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon. For those of you who are just boarding the train, we ask that you stow all of your hand luggage under the seat, remember there is no smoking except on the club car. We hope you have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today". "For those of you who are pissed off with the two hour delay , please see the b**** in the kitchen."
8/22/14, 07:55 PM
#436
Shelby GT350 Member
I had had a few at the pub the other night when I overheard three hefty women talking at the bar. Their accent sounded Scottish, so I approached and asked, "Hello, are you three lassies from Scotland?" One of them angrily responded, "It's Wales, Wales you bleedin idiot!" So I apologized and replied, "I am so sorry. Are you three whales from Scotland?" And that's the last thing I remember until I awoke in post op.
8/26/14, 06:21 PM
#437
legacy Tms Member
haven`t spoken about them in a bit cause every time i did i got a warning .. had to let one of my girlfriends go recently .. she told me she was spending the nite with her sister the other nite .. i know she was lying .. i spent that nite with her sister .. i hate a liar ..
8/26/14, 06:32 PM
#438
haven`t spoken about them in a bit cause every time i did i got a warning .. had to let one of my girlfriends go recently .. she told me she was spending the nite with her sister the other nite .. i know she was lying .. i spent that nite with her sister .. i hate a liar ..
8/27/14, 04:49 PM
#439
NTTAWWT
haven`t spoken about them in a bit cause every time i did i got a warning .. had to let one of my girlfriends go recently .. she told me she was spending the nite with her sister the other nite .. i know she was lying .. i spent that nite with her sister .. i hate a liar ..
8/27/14, 09:16 PM
#440
2013 RR Boss 302 #2342
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Barack Obama was visiting a primary school in North Carolina and visited a fourth grade class. They were in the middle of a discussion related to words
and their meanings.
The teacher asked the president if he would like to lead the discussion on the word 'tragedy.' So our illustrious president asked the class for an example of a 'tragedy'.
One little boy stood up and offered: "If my best friend, who lives on a farm, is playing in the field and a tractor runs him over and kills him, that would be a tragedy."
"No," said Obama, "that would be an accident."
A little girl raised her hand: "If a school bus carrying 50 children drove off a cliff, killing everyone, that would be a tragedy."
"I'm afraid not," explained Obama. "That's what we would call great loss." The room went silent. No other child volunteered. Obama searched the room. "Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?"
Finally at the back of the room, Little Johnny raised his hand. The teacher held her breath. In a quiet voice he said: "If the plane carrying you and Mrs. Obama was struck by a 'friendly fire' missile and blown to smithereens that would be a tragedy."
"Fantastic!" exclaimed Obama. "That's right. And can you tell me why that would be a tragedy?"
"Well," says Johnny, "It has to be a tragedy, because it sure as hell wouldn't be a great loss... and you can bet your sweet *** it wouldn't be an accident either!"
The teacher left the room..
and their meanings.
The teacher asked the president if he would like to lead the discussion on the word 'tragedy.' So our illustrious president asked the class for an example of a 'tragedy'.
One little boy stood up and offered: "If my best friend, who lives on a farm, is playing in the field and a tractor runs him over and kills him, that would be a tragedy."
"No," said Obama, "that would be an accident."
A little girl raised her hand: "If a school bus carrying 50 children drove off a cliff, killing everyone, that would be a tragedy."
"I'm afraid not," explained Obama. "That's what we would call great loss." The room went silent. No other child volunteered. Obama searched the room. "Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?"
Finally at the back of the room, Little Johnny raised his hand. The teacher held her breath. In a quiet voice he said: "If the plane carrying you and Mrs. Obama was struck by a 'friendly fire' missile and blown to smithereens that would be a tragedy."
"Fantastic!" exclaimed Obama. "That's right. And can you tell me why that would be a tragedy?"
"Well," says Johnny, "It has to be a tragedy, because it sure as hell wouldn't be a great loss... and you can bet your sweet *** it wouldn't be an accident either!"
The teacher left the room..