A man stumbles up to the only other patron in a bar and asks if he could buy him a drink.

"Why of course," comes the reply.

The first man then asks: "Where are you from?"

"I'm from Ireland," replies the second man.

The first man responds: "You don't say, I'm from Ireland too! Let's have another round to Ireland."

"Of Course," replies the second man. Curious, the first man then asks: "Where in Ireland are you from?" "Dublin," comes the reply.

"I can't believe it," says the first man. "I'm from Dublin too! Let's have another drink to Dublin."

"Of course," replies the second man. Curiosity again strikes and the first man asks: "What school did you go to?"

"Saint Mary's," replies the second man. "I graduated in '62."

"This is unbelievable!" the first man says. "I went to Saint Mary's and I graduated in '62, too!"

About that time in comes one of the regulars and sits down at the bar. "What's been going on?" he asks the bartender. "Nothing much," replies the bartender. "The O'Malley twins are drunk again."

 

Some people think chilli shouldn't have beans in it!

 

best laugh iv`e had in a while

 

When I was a kid my dad gave me money to go pay the electric bill. But instead I spent the money on lottery tickets for a new car. When I got home my dad whipped my butt. But the next morning when we got up there was a shiny new car in our driveway. Everyone cried, especially me. Because it was the guy from the electric company that had come out to cut off our service. And my dad whipped my butt again.

 

An old geezer became very bored in retirement and decided to open a medical clinic.

He put a sign up outside that said: "Dr. Geezer's clinic. Get your treatment for $500, if
not cured, get back $1,000."

Doctor "Young," who was positive that this old geezer didn't know beans about medicine,

thought this would be a great opportunity to get $$. So he went to Dr. Geezer's clinic.

Dr. Young: "Dr. Geezer, I have lost all taste in my mouth. Can you please help me ??"

Dr. Geezer: "Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in Dr. Young's mouth."

Dr. Young: Aaagh !! -- "This is Gasoline!"

Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations!

You've got your taste back. That will be $500.

Dr. Young gets annoyed and goes back after a couple of days figuring to recover his money.

Dr. Young: "I have lost my memory, I cannot remember anything."

Dr. Geezer: "Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patient's mouth."

Dr. Young: "Oh, no you don't, -- that is Gasoline!"

Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations! You've got your memory back . That will be $500."

Dr. Young (after having lost $1000) leaves angrily and comes back after several more days.

Dr. Young: "My eyesight has become weak --- I can hardly see anything!!!!"

Dr. Geezer: "Well, I don't have any medicine for that so,
"Here's your $1000 back." (giving him a $10 bill)

Dr. Young: "But this is only $10!"

Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations! You got your vision back! That will be $500."

Moral of story -- Just because you're "Young" doesn't mean that you can outsmart an "old Geezer"

Remember: Don't make old people mad. We don't like being old in the first place, so it doesn't take much to tick us off.

 

A woman walks in on her husband and son having a very loud argument. The son runs out of the room crying.

“I wish I had used a condom”, said the father.

The wife says ”That’s terrible!!!! Are you saying you wish our son had never been born?”

“NO” says the husband. “I got his girlfriend pregnant”.

 

 

What do captain Kirk and toilet paper have in common?




They both circle Uranus in search of Klingons!

 

LOL


What did Mr. Spock and Scotty find in the Enterprise bathroom?



The captain's log.

 

What were Scotty and Mr. Spock doing in the bathroom together?


No seriously...

 

Whatever they were doing, you can bet your *** Scotty was "givin' 'er all she's got".

 

 

I asked my wife if she would remarry if I died. She said she probably would after a period of mourning. I said, I guess that makes sense but I hope you don't let him drive my Mustang. She said, of course not silly; he doesn't know how to drive a stick.

 

LOL!!!

 

A little boy asks his mother "How come I'm black and you're white?"

The mother replied, "Don't even go there. The way that party went you're lucky you don't bark."

 

My dad asked me if we should invite my friend Bob to play golf with us. I said: would you play golf with someone who cheats, welches on their bets and made a pass at your wife? My dad said, no. I said neither will Bob.

 

True story:

A guy I worked with told me when he was 4 his parents told him he was going to have two new brothers (twins). Apparently he kept acting out until they told him he could name them. Long story short: he was a westerns fan and chose Gene and Roy. I was at a party with them years later and they confirmed the story, mentioning they didn't much care for the names he chose. I told them they should be happy because he could have been a Disney fan and they'd be named Goofy and Pluto!

 

**** filters! I can't tell if you were saying *****, ***** or *****