Jokes
2/16/15, 06:06 PM
#504
FR500 Member
President Obama, not feeling well and concerned about his mortality, goes to consult a Psychic about the date of his death.
Closing her eyes and silently reaching into the realm of the future she finds the answer: “You will die on a Jewish holiday.”
“Which one?'” Obama asks nervously.
“It doesn't matter.” replied the psychic. “Whenever you die, it’ll be a Jewish holiday.”
Closing her eyes and silently reaching into the realm of the future she finds the answer: “You will die on a Jewish holiday.”
“Which one?'” Obama asks nervously.
“It doesn't matter.” replied the psychic. “Whenever you die, it’ll be a Jewish holiday.”
2/16/15, 08:47 PM
#507
Cobra Member
A guy is out working in his yard when his young blonde neighbor comes out and opens the door to her mailbox. It's empty and she seems a bit confused. She closes the door and goes back into her house.
The guy thinks that's a bit odd but then twenty minutes later she repeats the process. This time she mutters, "What the hell?" before going back inside. That's even more odd.
Fifteen minutes later out she comes again. The mailbox is still empty and this time she shouts, "**** it!" as she slams the mailbox door. The guy ask her what seems to be the problem.
She replies that her computer keeps saying, "You've got mail." but when she comes out to look her mailbox is always empty.
The guy thinks that's a bit odd but then twenty minutes later she repeats the process. This time she mutters, "What the hell?" before going back inside. That's even more odd.
Fifteen minutes later out she comes again. The mailbox is still empty and this time she shouts, "**** it!" as she slams the mailbox door. The guy ask her what seems to be the problem.
She replies that her computer keeps saying, "You've got mail." but when she comes out to look her mailbox is always empty.
2/19/15, 03:21 AM
#508
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Join Date: December 14, 2007
Location: State of Jefferson Mountains USA
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> Saint Peter is seeing all of the new arrivals trying to go thru the pearly gates in heaven.
>
> The first applicant of the day explains that his last day was not a good one.
> "I came home early and found my wife lying naked in bed.
>
> She claimed she had just gotten out of the shower.
> Well, her hair was dry and I checked the shower and it was completely dry too.
> I knew she was into some hanky-panky and I began to look for her lover.
> I went onto the balcony of our 9th floor apartment and found the SOB
> clinging to the rail by his fingertips.
>
> I was so angry that I began bashing his fingers with a flower pot.
> He let go and fell, but his fall was broken by some awnings and bushes.
> On seeing he was still alive I found super human strength to drag our antique cedar chest to the balcony and throw it over.
> It hit the man and killed him.
>
> At this point the stress got to me and I suffered a massive heart attack and died."
> Saint Peter thanked him and sent him on to the waiting room.
>
> The second applicant said that his last day was his worst.
> "I was on the roof of an apartment building working on the AC equipment.
> I stumbled over my tools and toppled off the building.
> I managed to grab onto the balcony rail of a 9th floor apartment but some idiot came rushing out on the balcony and bashed my hands with a flower pot.
> I fell but hit some awnings and bushes and survived, but as I looked up I saw a huge chest falling toward me.
> I tried to crawl out of the way but failed and was hit and killed by the chest."
> Saint Peter couldn't help but chuckle as he directs the man to the waiting room.
>
> Saint Peter is still giggling when his third customer of the day enters.
> He apologizes and says "I doubt that your last day was as interesting as the two fellows that arrived here just before you."
>
> I don't know" replies the man. "Picture this, I'm buck naked hiding in this cedar chest.....
>
> The first applicant of the day explains that his last day was not a good one.
> "I came home early and found my wife lying naked in bed.
>
> She claimed she had just gotten out of the shower.
> Well, her hair was dry and I checked the shower and it was completely dry too.
> I knew she was into some hanky-panky and I began to look for her lover.
> I went onto the balcony of our 9th floor apartment and found the SOB
> clinging to the rail by his fingertips.
>
> I was so angry that I began bashing his fingers with a flower pot.
> He let go and fell, but his fall was broken by some awnings and bushes.
> On seeing he was still alive I found super human strength to drag our antique cedar chest to the balcony and throw it over.
> It hit the man and killed him.
>
> At this point the stress got to me and I suffered a massive heart attack and died."
> Saint Peter thanked him and sent him on to the waiting room.
>
> The second applicant said that his last day was his worst.
> "I was on the roof of an apartment building working on the AC equipment.
> I stumbled over my tools and toppled off the building.
> I managed to grab onto the balcony rail of a 9th floor apartment but some idiot came rushing out on the balcony and bashed my hands with a flower pot.
> I fell but hit some awnings and bushes and survived, but as I looked up I saw a huge chest falling toward me.
> I tried to crawl out of the way but failed and was hit and killed by the chest."
> Saint Peter couldn't help but chuckle as he directs the man to the waiting room.
>
> Saint Peter is still giggling when his third customer of the day enters.
> He apologizes and says "I doubt that your last day was as interesting as the two fellows that arrived here just before you."
>
> I don't know" replies the man. "Picture this, I'm buck naked hiding in this cedar chest.....
2/19/15, 12:53 PM
#509
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Join Date: December 14, 2007
Location: State of Jefferson Mountains USA
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Finding Inner Peace
I am passing this on to you because it definitely worked for me and we could all use a little more calmness in our lives.
By following the simple advice I heard on the Dr. Phil show, I have finally found inner peace. Dr. Phil proclaimed, "The way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you've started and never finished."
So, I looked around my house to see all the things I started and hadn't finished, and before leaving the house this morning, I finished off a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of White Zinfandel, a bottle of Bailey's Irish Cream, a bottle of Kahlua, a package of Oreos, the remainder of my old Prozac prescription, the rest of the cheesecake, some Doritos and a box of chocolates. You have no idea how freaking good I feel.
Please pass this on to those you feel might be in need of inner peace.
I am passing this on to you because it definitely worked for me and we could all use a little more calmness in our lives.
By following the simple advice I heard on the Dr. Phil show, I have finally found inner peace. Dr. Phil proclaimed, "The way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you've started and never finished."
So, I looked around my house to see all the things I started and hadn't finished, and before leaving the house this morning, I finished off a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of White Zinfandel, a bottle of Bailey's Irish Cream, a bottle of Kahlua, a package of Oreos, the remainder of my old Prozac prescription, the rest of the cheesecake, some Doritos and a box of chocolates. You have no idea how freaking good I feel.
Please pass this on to those you feel might be in need of inner peace.
2/23/15, 10:24 AM
#511
2/23/15, 04:33 PM
#512
FR500 Member
8 year old Mohammad entered his classroom on the first day of school.
"What's your name?", asked the teacher.
"Mohammad," he replied.
"You're in Ireland now," replied the teacher, "So from now on you will be known as Mike.
Mohammad returned home after school.
"How was your day, Mohammad?", his mother asked.
"My name is not Mohammad. I'm in Ireland and now my name is Mike”.
"Are you ashamed of your name? Are you trying to dishonor your parents,
your heritage, your religion? Shame on you!"
And his mother beat him. Then she called his father, who beat him again.
The next day Mohammad returned to school. The teacher saw all of his bruises.
"What happened to you, Mike?", she asked.
"Well shortly after becoming an Irishman, I was attacked by two f*cking Arabs."
"What's your name?", asked the teacher.
"Mohammad," he replied.
"You're in Ireland now," replied the teacher, "So from now on you will be known as Mike.
Mohammad returned home after school.
"How was your day, Mohammad?", his mother asked.
"My name is not Mohammad. I'm in Ireland and now my name is Mike”.
"Are you ashamed of your name? Are you trying to dishonor your parents,
your heritage, your religion? Shame on you!"
And his mother beat him. Then she called his father, who beat him again.
The next day Mohammad returned to school. The teacher saw all of his bruises.
"What happened to you, Mike?", she asked.
"Well shortly after becoming an Irishman, I was attacked by two f*cking Arabs."
3/1/15, 11:38 AM
#514
FR500 Member
A Mafia Godfather hires Guido, a deaf bookkeeper, It was assumed that Guido would hear nothing and would therefore never have to testify in court
But Guido cheats the Godfather out of $5,000,000.
When the Godfather goes to confront Guido about the missing
$5 million, he takes along his lawyer, who knows sign language.
The Godfather tells the lawyer, "Ask him where the money is."
The lawyer, using sign language, asks Guido, "Where's the money?"
Guido signs back, "I don't know what you are talking about."
The lawyer tells the Godfather, "He says he doesn't know what you are talking about."
The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to Guido's head and says, "Ask him again or I'll kill him!"
The lawyer signs to Guido, "He'll kill you if you don't tell him."
Guido trembles and signs back, "OK! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed at my cousin Bruno's house."
The Godfather asks the lawyer, "What did he say?"
The lawyer replies, "He says you don't have the ***** to pull the trigger."
But Guido cheats the Godfather out of $5,000,000.
When the Godfather goes to confront Guido about the missing
$5 million, he takes along his lawyer, who knows sign language.
The Godfather tells the lawyer, "Ask him where the money is."
The lawyer, using sign language, asks Guido, "Where's the money?"
Guido signs back, "I don't know what you are talking about."
The lawyer tells the Godfather, "He says he doesn't know what you are talking about."
The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to Guido's head and says, "Ask him again or I'll kill him!"
The lawyer signs to Guido, "He'll kill you if you don't tell him."
Guido trembles and signs back, "OK! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed at my cousin Bruno's house."
The Godfather asks the lawyer, "What did he say?"
The lawyer replies, "He says you don't have the ***** to pull the trigger."
3/1/15, 11:50 AM
#515
Legacy TMS Member
Buck Russell: I don't think I want to know a six-year-old who isn't a dreamer, or a sillyheart. And I sure don't want to know one who takes their student career seriously. I don't have a college degree. I don't even have a job. But I know a good kid when I see one. Because they're ALL good kids, until dried-out, brain-dead skags like you drag them down and convince them they're no good. You so much as scowl at my niece, or any other kid in this school, and I hear about it, and I'm coming looking for you!
[of Anita's mole]
Buck Russell: Take this quarter, go downtown, and have a rat gnaw that thing off your face! Good day to you, madam.
[of Anita's mole]
Buck Russell: Take this quarter, go downtown, and have a rat gnaw that thing off your face! Good day to you, madam.
3/1/15, 11:53 AM
#517
Legacy TMS Member
Buck: [struggling to open the washing machine] Do I have to talk dirty to you? Come on! Open up for daddy! I'm gonna shove a load into you! Here we go! Come on, it's nice and easy. Aaah! Come on, here we go! Ah! Take that! Take that! Come on! You don't want the crowbar, do you? Come on! Open up! Ugh! I'm gonna shove my load into you whether you like it or not!
3/1/15, 07:38 PM
#518
Post *****
Join Date: December 14, 2007
Location: State of Jefferson Mountains USA
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"Whatever your avatar is trying to lift looks very heavy, and you are going about lifting it the wrong way. You need to lift with your legs NOT with your back as it appears you are doing here......."
3/17/15, 06:40 PM
#519
legacy Tms Member
A large group of Isis fighters in Iraq are moving down a road when they hear a voice call from behind a sand dune: "One redneck southern american Marine is better than ten Isis fighters". The Isis commander quickly orders 10 of best men over the dune where a gun battle breaks out and continues for a few minutes, then silence.
The voice once again calls out: "One redneck southern american Marine is better than one hundred Isis 'S.O.B.'s'". Furious, the Isis commander sends his next best 100 troops over the dune and instantly a huge gun fight commences. After 10 minutes of battle, again silence.
The voice calls out again: "One redneck southern american Marine is better than a thousand Isis fighters." The enraged Isis commander musters 1,000 fighters and sends them to the other side of the dune. Rifle fire, machine guns, grenades, rockets and cannon fire ring out as a terrible battle is fought ..... then silence.
Eventually, one badly wounded Isis fighter crawls back over the dune and with his dying words tells his commander,
"Don't send any more men ... it's a trap. There's two of them."
The voice once again calls out: "One redneck southern american Marine is better than one hundred Isis 'S.O.B.'s'". Furious, the Isis commander sends his next best 100 troops over the dune and instantly a huge gun fight commences. After 10 minutes of battle, again silence.
The voice calls out again: "One redneck southern american Marine is better than a thousand Isis fighters." The enraged Isis commander musters 1,000 fighters and sends them to the other side of the dune. Rifle fire, machine guns, grenades, rockets and cannon fire ring out as a terrible battle is fought ..... then silence.
Eventually, one badly wounded Isis fighter crawls back over the dune and with his dying words tells his commander,
"Don't send any more men ... it's a trap. There's two of them."
3/18/15, 12:36 PM
#520
Shelby GT500 Member
A large group of Isis fighters in Iraq are moving down a road when they hear a voice call from behind a sand dune: "One redneck southern american Marine is better than ten Isis fighters". The Isis commander quickly orders 10 of best men over the dune where a gun battle breaks out and continues for a few minutes, then silence.
The voice once again calls out: "One redneck southern american Marine is better than one hundred Isis 'S.O.B.'s'". Furious, the Isis commander sends his next best 100 troops over the dune and instantly a huge gun fight commences. After 10 minutes of battle, again silence.
The voice calls out again: "One redneck southern american Marine is better than a thousand Isis fighters." The enraged Isis commander musters 1,000 fighters and sends them to the other side of the dune. Rifle fire, machine guns, grenades, rockets and cannon fire ring out as a terrible battle is fought ..... then silence.
Eventually, one badly wounded Isis fighter crawls back over the dune and with his dying words tells his commander,
"Don't send any more men ... it's a trap. There's two of them."
The voice once again calls out: "One redneck southern american Marine is better than one hundred Isis 'S.O.B.'s'". Furious, the Isis commander sends his next best 100 troops over the dune and instantly a huge gun fight commences. After 10 minutes of battle, again silence.
The voice calls out again: "One redneck southern american Marine is better than a thousand Isis fighters." The enraged Isis commander musters 1,000 fighters and sends them to the other side of the dune. Rifle fire, machine guns, grenades, rockets and cannon fire ring out as a terrible battle is fought ..... then silence.
Eventually, one badly wounded Isis fighter crawls back over the dune and with his dying words tells his commander,
"Don't send any more men ... it's a trap. There's two of them."