Have you seen ray Charles wife. He hasn't

 

How do you make a hormone ? You don't pay her

 

Little Jimmy tells his little sister Betty one morning: "we almost lost mommy last night. I heard some loud moaning coming from mommy and daddy's bedroom so I went in, there was mommy with her arms and legs up in the air screaming 'Lord I'm coming I'm coming', if it wer`nt for daddy holding her down we'd have lost her for sure"

 

How many cheerleaders does it take to screw in a light bulb . Just one. She holds then the whole world revolves around her.

 

three birds are sitting on a power line .. bird # 1 says " my instincts tell me to head south for the winter .... bird # 2 says " my instincts tell me to head west for the winter ... bird # 3 says ..." my end stinks too but it dont tell me to go nowhere !!

 

A father and his son were in a boat fishing one day.

the son said "Daddy how do fish breathe under water?"

his father replied "son, I don't know !"

and few minutes went by and the boy said "Daddy why does this boat float and not sink?"

his father replied "son, I don't know !"

a few more minutes went by and the boy asked "Daddy why is the sky blue?"

his father replied "son, I don't know !"

then after about 10 minutes the boy asked "Daddy do you mind me asking all these questions?

his father replied "of course not, if you don't ask questions, how do you expect to learn anything ?"

 

A newlywed couple moves into their new house. One day the husband comes home from work and his wife says, "Honey, you know, in the upstairs bathroom one of the pipes is leaking, could you fix it?" The husband says, "What do I look like, Mr. Plumber?" A few days go by, and he comes home from work and his wife says, "Honey, the car won't start. I think it needs a new battery. Could you change it for me?" He says: "What do I look like, Mr. Goodwrench?" Another few days go by, and it's raining pretty hard. The wife finds a leak in the roof. She says, "Honey, there's a leak on the roof! Can you please fix it?" He says, "What do I look like, Bob Vila?" The next day the husband comes home, and the roof is fixed. So is the plumbing. So is the car. He asks his wife what happened. "Oh, I had a handyman come in and fix them," she says. "Great! How much is that going to cost me?" he snarls. Wife says: "Nothing. He said he'd do it for free if I either baked him a cake or slept with him." "Uh, well, what kind of cake did you make?" asks the husband. "What do I look like," she says, "Betty Crocker?"

 

 

What do you call an alligator in a vest?

An investigator.

 

An Israeli doctor says: "in Israel, medicine is so advanced that we cut off a man’s *********, put them on another man and in 6 weeks, he is looking for work."

The German doctor says: "that’s nothing, in Germany we take part of a brain, put it in another man, and in 4 weeks he is looking for work."

The Russian doctor says: “gentlemen, we take half a heart from a man, put it in another's chest and in 2 weeks he is looking for work."

The United States doctor laughs: "You all are behind us. five years ago, we took a man with no brains, no heart and no ***** and made him President. Now, the whole country is looking for work !"

 

 

I went to the store earlier to get some rubbers and the cashier asked me if I wanted a bag.

I said no, she's not that ugly.

 

 

 

HA HA!!!
So sad, but yet so true.

 

So a guy walks into a bar..


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And he yells "ouch!"

 

A 3 legged dog walks into an old west bar and says, "I'm lookin' for the scoundrel that shot my paw!"

 

A giraffe walks into a bar and says "The highballs are on me!"

 

A termite walks into a saloon and says "Where is the bar-tender?"

 

A guy walks into a bar carrying jumper cables.

The bartender says, "Hey pal, don't start anything in here."