Jokes
5/11/15, 05:42 PM
#561
Shelby GT500 Member
Grandpa has a massive stroke and is rushed to the hospital. He's put on life support.
"I'm afraid tha Grandpa is brain dead. But his heart is still beating", says the doctor.
Grandma replies, "Oh Dear....this is horrible. We've never had a liberal in the family before."
"I'm afraid tha Grandpa is brain dead. But his heart is still beating", says the doctor.
Grandma replies, "Oh Dear....this is horrible. We've never had a liberal in the family before."
5/15/15, 04:31 PM
#562
legacy Tms Member
the other day i went to a Muslim book store,
A clerk stopped me and asked if he could help me (I imagine I didn't look like their usual customer).
I then asked him if they had a copy of alabamas Immigration Policy Book regarding Muslims.
The clerk got quite excited and said, “F**k off! ... Get the hell out and stay out!” ...
I said, “Yes, that's the one! Do you have that in paperback?”
A clerk stopped me and asked if he could help me (I imagine I didn't look like their usual customer).
I then asked him if they had a copy of alabamas Immigration Policy Book regarding Muslims.
The clerk got quite excited and said, “F**k off! ... Get the hell out and stay out!” ...
I said, “Yes, that's the one! Do you have that in paperback?”
5/15/15, 06:28 PM
#563
Shelby GT500 Member
the other day i went to a Muslim book store,
A clerk stopped me and asked if he could help me (I imagine I didn't look like their usual customer).
I then asked him if they had a copy of alabamas Immigration Policy Book regarding Muslims.
The clerk got quite excited and said, “F**k off! ... Get the hell out and stay out!” ...
I said, “Yes, that's the one! Do you have that in paperback?”
A clerk stopped me and asked if he could help me (I imagine I didn't look like their usual customer).
I then asked him if they had a copy of alabamas Immigration Policy Book regarding Muslims.
The clerk got quite excited and said, “F**k off! ... Get the hell out and stay out!” ...
I said, “Yes, that's the one! Do you have that in paperback?”
5/17/15, 06:05 PM
#564
FR500 Member
God visited a woman and told her she must give up smoking, drinking and sex if she wants to get into heaven.
The woman said she would try her best.
God visited the woman a week later to see how she was getting on.
"Not bad" said the woman, "I've given up smoking and drinking but then I bent over to get some stuff out of the freezer and my boyfriend caught sight of my long slender legs, he lifted up my skirt, pulled my panties to one side and made love to me right then and there."
"They don't like that in heaven, said God.
The woman replied: "They're not too happy about it in Costco either."
The woman said she would try her best.
God visited the woman a week later to see how she was getting on.
"Not bad" said the woman, "I've given up smoking and drinking but then I bent over to get some stuff out of the freezer and my boyfriend caught sight of my long slender legs, he lifted up my skirt, pulled my panties to one side and made love to me right then and there."
"They don't like that in heaven, said God.
The woman replied: "They're not too happy about it in Costco either."
5/25/15, 06:43 AM
#566
Tasca Super Boss 429 Member
A guy ends up with an older woman at a bar last night.
She looked pretty good for a 55-year-old. In fact, she wasn’t too bad at all, and he found himself thinking she probably had a really hot daughter.
They drank a couple of beers, and she asked if I’d ever had a “Sportsman’s Double”?
“What’s that?” the guy asked.
“It’s a mother and daughter threesome.” she said.
As the guy’s mind began to embrace the idea, and he wondered what her daughter might look like, he said, “No, I haven’t.”
They drank a bit more, then she said with a wink, “tonight’s your lucky night.”
They hopped into a taxi and went back to her place.
When they arrived back at her place and they walked into the front door, she turned on the hall light and shouted upstairs.
“Mom… you still awake?”
She looked pretty good for a 55-year-old. In fact, she wasn’t too bad at all, and he found himself thinking she probably had a really hot daughter.
They drank a couple of beers, and she asked if I’d ever had a “Sportsman’s Double”?
“What’s that?” the guy asked.
“It’s a mother and daughter threesome.” she said.
As the guy’s mind began to embrace the idea, and he wondered what her daughter might look like, he said, “No, I haven’t.”
They drank a bit more, then she said with a wink, “tonight’s your lucky night.”
They hopped into a taxi and went back to her place.
When they arrived back at her place and they walked into the front door, she turned on the hall light and shouted upstairs.
“Mom… you still awake?”
5/27/15, 07:06 AM
#567
A little old lady answered a knock on the door one day,to be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying A vacuum cleaner.
'Good morning,' said the young man.
'If I could take a couple minutes of your time, I wouldlike to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners.
''Go away!'' said the old lady. ''I'm broke and haven'tgot any money!'' and she proceeded to close the door.
Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in thedoor and pushed it wide open...
''Don't be too hasty!'' he said. ''Not until you have atleast seen my demonstration.'' And with that, he emptied a bucket of horsemanure onto her hallway carpet. Now if this vacuum cleaner does not remove Alltraces of this horse manure from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat theremainder."
The old lady stepped back and said, "Well let me getyou a fork, 'cause they cut off my electricity this morning."
'Good morning,' said the young man.
'If I could take a couple minutes of your time, I wouldlike to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners.
''Go away!'' said the old lady. ''I'm broke and haven'tgot any money!'' and she proceeded to close the door.
Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in thedoor and pushed it wide open...
''Don't be too hasty!'' he said. ''Not until you have atleast seen my demonstration.'' And with that, he emptied a bucket of horsemanure onto her hallway carpet. Now if this vacuum cleaner does not remove Alltraces of this horse manure from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat theremainder."
The old lady stepped back and said, "Well let me getyou a fork, 'cause they cut off my electricity this morning."
5/27/15, 08:15 AM
#568
Join Date: December 5, 2006
Location: Trapped in Minnesota
Posts: 31,619
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A little old lady answered a knock on the door one day,to be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying A vacuum cleaner.
'Good morning,' said the young man.
'If I could take a couple minutes of your time, I wouldlike to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners.
''Go away!'' said the old lady. ''I'm broke and haven'tgot any money!'' and she proceeded to close the door.
Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in thedoor and pushed it wide open...
''Don't be too hasty!'' he said. ''Not until you have atleast seen my demonstration.'' And with that, he emptied a bucket of horsemanure onto her hallway carpet. Now if this vacuum cleaner does not remove Alltraces of this horse manure from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat theremainder."
The old lady stepped back and said, "Well let me getyou a fork, 'cause they cut off my electricity this morning."
'Good morning,' said the young man.
'If I could take a couple minutes of your time, I wouldlike to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners.
''Go away!'' said the old lady. ''I'm broke and haven'tgot any money!'' and she proceeded to close the door.
Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in thedoor and pushed it wide open...
''Don't be too hasty!'' he said. ''Not until you have atleast seen my demonstration.'' And with that, he emptied a bucket of horsemanure onto her hallway carpet. Now if this vacuum cleaner does not remove Alltraces of this horse manure from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat theremainder."
The old lady stepped back and said, "Well let me getyou a fork, 'cause they cut off my electricity this morning."
5/27/15, 08:51 AM
#569
Comes a time when a woman just has to trust her husband ...
A wife comes home late at night, and quietly opens the door to her bedroom. From under the blanket she sees four legs instead of two. She reaches for a baseball bat and starts hitting the blanket as hard as she can. Leaving the covered bodies groaning, she goes to the kitchen to have a drink.
As she enters, she sees her husband there, reading a magazine.
"Hi Darling", he says. "Your parents have come to visit us, so l let them stay in our bedroom … did you say,'hello'?"
A wife comes home late at night, and quietly opens the door to her bedroom. From under the blanket she sees four legs instead of two. She reaches for a baseball bat and starts hitting the blanket as hard as she can. Leaving the covered bodies groaning, she goes to the kitchen to have a drink.
As she enters, she sees her husband there, reading a magazine.
"Hi Darling", he says. "Your parents have come to visit us, so l let them stay in our bedroom … did you say,'hello'?"
5/27/15, 11:14 AM
#570
2013 RR Boss 302 #2342
Join Date: March 6, 2012
Location: Lancaster, PA
Posts: 11,668
Likes: 0
Received 2,174 Likes
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1,621 Posts
A little old lady answered a knock on the door one day,to be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying A vacuum cleaner. 'Good morning,' said the young man. 'If I could take a couple minutes of your time, I wouldlike to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners. ''Go away!'' said the old lady. ''I'm broke and haven'tgot any money!'' and she proceeded to close the door. Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in thedoor and pushed it wide open... ''Don't be too hasty!'' he said. ''Not until you have atleast seen my demonstration.'' And with that, he emptied a bucket of horsemanure onto her hallway carpet. Now if this vacuum cleaner does not remove Alltraces of this horse manure from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat theremainder." The old lady stepped back and said, "Well let me getyou a fork, 'cause they cut off my electricity this morning."
5/27/15, 06:21 PM
#571
Comes a time when a woman just has to trust her husband ... A wife comes home late at night, and quietly opens the door to her bedroom. From under the blanket she sees four legs instead of two. She reaches for a baseball bat and starts hitting the blanket as hard as she can. Leaving the covered bodies groaning, she goes to the kitchen to have a drink. As she enters, she sees her husband there, reading a magazine. "Hi Darling", he says. "Your parents have come to visit us, so l let them stay in our bedroom … did you say,'hello'?"
5/27/15, 06:28 PM
#572
FR500 Member
Dear Abby,
My husband is a liar and a cheat. He has cheated on me from the beginning, and, when I confront him, he denies everything. What's worse, everyone knows that he cheats on me. It is so humiliating. Also, since he lost his job 14 years ago, he hasn't even looked for a new one. All he does all day is smoke cigars, cruise around and shoot the bull with his buddies, while I have to work to pay the bills. Since our daughter went away to college he doesn't even pretend to like me, and even hints that I may be a lesbian. What should I do?
Signed: Clueless
Dear Clueless:
Grow up and dump him. Good grief woman! You don't need him anymore! You're running for President of the United States. Act like one.
My husband is a liar and a cheat. He has cheated on me from the beginning, and, when I confront him, he denies everything. What's worse, everyone knows that he cheats on me. It is so humiliating. Also, since he lost his job 14 years ago, he hasn't even looked for a new one. All he does all day is smoke cigars, cruise around and shoot the bull with his buddies, while I have to work to pay the bills. Since our daughter went away to college he doesn't even pretend to like me, and even hints that I may be a lesbian. What should I do?
Signed: Clueless
Dear Clueless:
Grow up and dump him. Good grief woman! You don't need him anymore! You're running for President of the United States. Act like one.
5/28/15, 08:32 AM
#574
Asylum for the Verbally Insane
We'll begin with a box, and the plural is boxes,
But the plural of ox becomes oxen, not oxes.
One fowl is a goose, but two are called geese,
Yet the plural of moose should never be meese.
You may find a lone mouse or a nest full of mice,
Yet the plural of house is houses, not hice.
If the plural of man is always called men,
Why shouldn't the plural of pan be called pen?
If I speak of my foot and show you my feet,
And I give you a boot, would a pair be called beet?
If one is a tooth and a whole set are teeth,
Why shouldn't the plural of booth be called beeth?
Then one may be that, and three would be those,
Yet hat in the plural would never be hose,
And the plural of cat is cats, not cose.
We speak of a brother and also of brethren,
But though we say mother, we never say methren.
Then the masculine pronouns are he, his and him,
But imagine the feminine: she, shis and shim!
Let's face it - English is a crazy language.
There is no egg in eggplant nor ham in hamburger;
neither apple nor pine in pineapple.
English muffins weren't invented in England.
We take English for granted, but if we explore its
paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly,
boxing rings are square,
and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.
And why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing,
grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham?
Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend.
If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of
all but one of them, what do you call it?
If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught?
If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat?
Sometimes I think all the folks who grew up speaking
English should be committed to an asylum for the verbally insane.
In what other language do people recite at a play and play at a recital?
We ship by truck but send cargo by ship.
We have noses that run and feet that smell.
We park in a driveway and drive in a parkway.
And how can a slim chance and a fat chance be the
same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites?
You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house
can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling it out,
and in which an alarm goes off by going on.
And, in closing, if Father is Pop, how come Mother's not Mop?
We'll begin with a box, and the plural is boxes,
But the plural of ox becomes oxen, not oxes.
One fowl is a goose, but two are called geese,
Yet the plural of moose should never be meese.
You may find a lone mouse or a nest full of mice,
Yet the plural of house is houses, not hice.
If the plural of man is always called men,
Why shouldn't the plural of pan be called pen?
If I speak of my foot and show you my feet,
And I give you a boot, would a pair be called beet?
If one is a tooth and a whole set are teeth,
Why shouldn't the plural of booth be called beeth?
Then one may be that, and three would be those,
Yet hat in the plural would never be hose,
And the plural of cat is cats, not cose.
We speak of a brother and also of brethren,
But though we say mother, we never say methren.
Then the masculine pronouns are he, his and him,
But imagine the feminine: she, shis and shim!
Let's face it - English is a crazy language.
There is no egg in eggplant nor ham in hamburger;
neither apple nor pine in pineapple.
English muffins weren't invented in England.
We take English for granted, but if we explore its
paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly,
boxing rings are square,
and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.
And why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing,
grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham?
Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend.
If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of
all but one of them, what do you call it?
If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught?
If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat?
Sometimes I think all the folks who grew up speaking
English should be committed to an asylum for the verbally insane.
In what other language do people recite at a play and play at a recital?
We ship by truck but send cargo by ship.
We have noses that run and feet that smell.
We park in a driveway and drive in a parkway.
And how can a slim chance and a fat chance be the
same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites?
You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house
can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling it out,
and in which an alarm goes off by going on.
And, in closing, if Father is Pop, how come Mother's not Mop?
6/23/15, 04:11 PM
#576
legacy Tms Member
A guy walked into a crowded bar, waving his 1911 Colt pistol and yelled, "I have a .45 Colt with an eight shot clip and I want to know who's been sleeping with my wife?"
A voice from the back of the room called out...
"You'll need more ammo!"
A voice from the back of the room called out...
"You'll need more ammo!"
6/23/15, 06:08 PM
#577
FR500 Member
7/12/15, 07:25 PM
#578
A guy comes home from the doctor and tells his girlfriend the doctor says says he has to have sex daily. She grabs his diagnosis, reads it, and says "you idiot! It says you have dyslexia!"
7/18/15, 06:23 AM
#579
FR500 Member
A dying man is spending his last days on earth in his home. He's semi-comatose, barely breathing, and oblivious to his surroundings.
Downstairs, his wife is baking cookies. The sweet aroma of chocolate fills the house and begins wafting upstairs. The dying man gets a wiff of the cookies and it stirs him. With all of his strength he rolls out of his bed, onto the floor, and crawls slowly and painfully down the stairs. He's barely conscious.
He finally makes it to the dining room and reaches for a cookie.
Suddenly his wife enters the room, slaps his hand and says, "Put that back. Those cookies are for after the funeral."
Downstairs, his wife is baking cookies. The sweet aroma of chocolate fills the house and begins wafting upstairs. The dying man gets a wiff of the cookies and it stirs him. With all of his strength he rolls out of his bed, onto the floor, and crawls slowly and painfully down the stairs. He's barely conscious.
He finally makes it to the dining room and reaches for a cookie.
Suddenly his wife enters the room, slaps his hand and says, "Put that back. Those cookies are for after the funeral."