Hahaaa!

 

I got a couple good golf ones too that my dad told me on the course


Police are called to an apartment and find a man holding a bloody 5-iron standing over a lifeless woman.

The detective asks, "sir, is that your wife?"

"Yes" says the man.

"Did you hit her with that golf club?"

"Yes, yes, I did." The man begins to sob, drops the club, and puts his hands on his face.

"How many times did you hit her?"

"I don't know -- five, six, maybe seven times.....just put me down for a five."

"I don't know -- five, six, maybe seven times.....just put me down for a five."

 

One more golf one


A husband and wife are on the 9th green when suddenly she collapses from a heart attack!

"Help me dear," she groans to her husband.

The husband calls 911 on his cell phone, talks for a few minutes, picks up his putter and lines up his putt.

His wife raises her head off the green and stares at him. "I'm dying here and you're putting?"

"Don't worry dear," says the husband calmly, "they found a doctor on the second hole and he's coming to help you.

"Well, how long will it take for him to get here?" she asks feebly.

"No time at all," says her husband.

"Everybody's already agreed to let him play thru."

 

A guy, who was not feeling well, went to the hospital to have tests run.

Two days later, he received a call to get to the hospital as fast as he could and NOT to have contact with anyone.

Upon arrival, he was ushered to a room where everyone was in HAZMAT suits......

The lead doctor said, "Sir.....I am sorry to inform you that your tests came back and you are positive for HEADS."

The guy says, "Huh? What the hell is HEADS?

The doc says, "Well, Sir....it is a mutated virus that combines Herpes, Ebola, AIDS, Diphtheria and Syphilis..."

"Oh, Dear God!" the guy replies, "What can you do?"

The doctor says, "Just stay calm....the first thing we are going to do is get you a room all to yourself. Then, we are going to start you off with a diet of pancakes and pizza....."

The guy says, "Wait! What? Pancakes and pizza? Will that help cure me?"

"Well,.....no." says the doctor, "But, it's the only things we can slip under the door...."

 

Why is Santa Claus always so Jolly.....because he knows where all of the naughty girls live.

 

But he only comes once a year.

 

A blind man goes into a bar and makes his way to a stool. He orders a beer and the bartender brings one over. He asks, "Would you like to hear a blonde joke?"
The bartender says, "You should probably know that you have come into a lesbian biker bar and there are five things I need to tell you.
I'm a blonde and I have a baseball bat.
The lady at the end of the bar is a blonde and she has a blackjack.
The lady to your left is a blonde and she has a knife.
The lady to your right is a blonde and she has a gun.
The lady behind you is a blonde and she has brass knuckles.
Now cowboy, do you still want to tell that joke?"
The guy replies, "No, I'd have to explain it five times."

 

The Tooth Brush Salesman

The kids filed into class Monday morning. They were all very excited.

Their weekend assignment was to sell something, then give a talk on salesmanship.

Little Sally led off. "I sold Girl Scout cookies and I made $30" she said proudly, "My sales approach was to appeal to the customer's civil spirit and I credit that approach for my obvious success."

"Very good", said the teacher.

Little Debbie was next. "I sold magazines" she said, "I made $45 and I explained to everyone that magazines would keep them up on current events."

"Very good, Debbie", said the teacher.

Eventually, it was Little Mike's turn. The teacher held her breath. Little Mike walked to the front of the classroom and dumped a box full of cash on the teacher's desk.

"$2,467", he said. "$2,467!" cried the teacher, "What in the world were you selling?"

"Toothbrushes", said Little Mike.

"Toothbrushes", echoed the teacher, "How could you possibly sell enough tooth brushes to make that much money?"

"I found the busiest corner in town", said Little Mike, "I set up a Dip & Chip stand and I gave everybody who walked by a free sample."

They all said the same thing, "Hey, this tastes like dog poop!" I would say, "It is dog poop. Wanna buy a toothbrush? I used the Government method of giving you some crap, dressing it up so it looks good, telling you it's free and then making you pay to get the bad taste out of your mouth."

Little Mike got an A+ for his assignment. Bless his heart.

 

 

LMAO!

 

Good one!

 

Good one!! Here's another:

A gentleman was getting an all over tan. He didnt want his privates to burn, so he laid a hat over them.

A curious woman came by and said, "if u were a gentleman, u would tip your hat at a lady."

The man looked up at her & said, "if you were better looking, the hat would tip itself."

 

 

Did you hear the one about the dyslexic guy that walked into a bra?

 

A man in a Florida supermarket tried to buy half a head of lettuce.

The very young produce assistant told him that they sell only whole heads
of lettuce.

The man persisted and asked to see the manager. The boy said he'd ask his manager about it.

Walking into the back room, the boy said to his manager: "Some a**hole
wants to buy half a head of lettuce."

As he finished his sentence, he turned to find the man standing right
behind him, so he added, "And this gentleman has kindly offered to buy the
other half."

The manager approved the deal, and the man went on his way.

Later the manager said to the boy, "I was impressed with the way you got
yourself out of that situation earlier. We like people who think on their
feet here. Where are you from, son?"

"Canada, sir," the boy replied.

"Well, why did you leave Canada?" he manager asked.

The boy said, "Sir, there's nothing but ****** and hockey players up
there."

"Really?" said the manager. "My wife is from Canada."

"No sh*t?" replied the boy. "Who'd she play for?"

 

lol...

 

The day after his wife disappeared in a kayaking accident off the coast of Labrador, the man answered his door to find two grim-faced RCMP offices on the doorstep.

"We're sorry Mr. Wilkins, but we have some information about your
wife", said one of the officers."

Tell me! Did you find her?" Wilkins exclaimed.

The officers looked At each other and one said, "We have some bad news, some good news, and some really great news. Which would you like to hear first?"

Fearing the worst, Wilkins said, "Give me the bad news first."

"The officer said, "I'm sorry to tell you, sir, but this morning we found your wife's body in the bay.

"Oh my God!" exclaimed Wilkins. Swallowing hard, he asked, "What's the good news?"

"The trooper continued, "When we pulled her up, she had 12 of the best looking Labrador lobsters that you have ever seen clinging to her.
Haven't seen lobsters like that since the '60s and we feel you are entitled to share in the catch."

Stunned, Wilkins demanded, "If that's the good news, then what's the great news?"

The trooper replied, "We're gonna pull her up again tomorrow."

 

HAHA

 

I read this one this morning somewhere. Heck it could have been here.

Nancy Pelosi called Harry Reid into her office one day and said, "Harry, I have a plan to win back Middle America in 2014!"

"Great Nancy, but how?" asked Harry.

"We'll get some cheesy clothes and shoes, like most Middle Class Americans wear, then stop at the pound and pick up a Labrador retriever.

Then, we'll go to a nice old country bar in Montana and show them how much admiration and respect we have for the hard working people living there."

So they did, and found just the place they were looking for in Bozeman , Montana. With the dog in tow, they walked inside and stepped up to the bar.

The Bartender took a step back and said, "Hey! Aren't you Harry Reid and Nancy Pelosi?"

"Yes we are!" said Nancy, "And what a lovely town you have here. We were passing through and Harry suggested we stop and take in some local color."

They ordered a round of bourbon for the whole bar, and started chatting up a storm with anyone who would listen.

A few minutes later, a grizzled old rancher came in, walked up to the Labrador, lifted up its tail, looked underneath, shrugged his shoulders and walked out.

A few moments later, in came another old rancher. He walked up to the dog, lifted up its tail, looked underneath, scratched his head and left the bar.

For the next hour, another dozen ranchers came in, lifted the dog's tail, and left shaking their heads.

Finally, Nancy asked, "Why did all those old ranchers come in and look under the dog's tail? Is it some sort of custom?"

"Lord no," said the bartender. "Someone's out there running around town, claiming there's a Labrador retriever in here with two a holes!"

 

Labrador I & II