Jokes
9/19/11, 01:03 PM
#242
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Location: State of Jefferson Mountains USA
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WIFE VS. HUSBAND
A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word..
An earlier discussion had led to an argument and
neither of them wanted to concede their position..
As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs,
the husband asked sarcastically, 'Relatives of yours?'
'Yep,' the wife replied, 'in-laws.'
)
A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word..
An earlier discussion had led to an argument and
neither of them wanted to concede their position..
As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs,
the husband asked sarcastically, 'Relatives of yours?'
'Yep,' the wife replied, 'in-laws.'
)
9/19/11, 01:09 PM
#243
Paddy is driving down the road one night in the west of Ireland. The police pull him over. When they get to the car one officer says " Paddy, are you aware that your wife Mary fell out of your vehicle about five miles back?" Paddy replies, "Oh thank God for that. I thought I had gone deaf!"
9/20/11, 07:06 PM
#244
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Location: State of Jefferson Mountains USA
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The Pentagon announced today the formation of a new 500-man elite fighting unit called the US Redneck Special Forces. These southern boys will be dropped in Afghanistan knowing only these facts about terrorists:
1. The season opened today.
2. There is no limit.
3. They taste just like chicken.
4. They dont like beer, pickups, country music or Jesus.
5. They are directly responsible for the death of Dale Earnhardt.
The Pentagon expects the problem in Afghanistan to be over by Monday.
1. The season opened today.
2. There is no limit.
3. They taste just like chicken.
4. They dont like beer, pickups, country music or Jesus.
5. They are directly responsible for the death of Dale Earnhardt.
The Pentagon expects the problem in Afghanistan to be over by Monday.
9/20/11, 08:22 PM
#245
GT Member
Join Date: April 27, 2011
Location: Kennesaw, GA
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Originally Posted by cdynaco
The Pentagon announced today the formation of a new 500-man elite fighting unit called the US Redneck Special Forces. These southern boys will be dropped in Afghanistan knowing only these facts about terrorists:
1. The season opened today.
2. There is no limit.
3. They taste just like chicken.
4. They dont like beer, pickups, country music or Jesus.
5. They are directly responsible for the death of Dale Earnhardt.
The Pentagon expects the problem in Afghanistan to be over by Monday.
1. The season opened today.
2. There is no limit.
3. They taste just like chicken.
4. They dont like beer, pickups, country music or Jesus.
5. They are directly responsible for the death of Dale Earnhardt.
The Pentagon expects the problem in Afghanistan to be over by Monday.
9/20/11, 09:15 PM
#246
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Join Date: December 14, 2007
Location: State of Jefferson Mountains USA
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From one of my horsey friends from England on fb:
Did you know that the word race car spelled backwards still spells race car?
Did you know that eat is the only word that if you take the 1st letter and move it to the last it spells ate?
And have you noticed that if you rearrange the letters "illegal immigrants" and add just a few more letters, it spells out...."Go home you freaking free loading benefit grabbing kid producing violent non English speaking arseholes, and take those hairy faced bomb making goat fracking arseholes with you!" How strange is that????????
Did you know that eat is the only word that if you take the 1st letter and move it to the last it spells ate?
And have you noticed that if you rearrange the letters "illegal immigrants" and add just a few more letters, it spells out...."Go home you freaking free loading benefit grabbing kid producing violent non English speaking arseholes, and take those hairy faced bomb making goat fracking arseholes with you!" How strange is that????????
Last edited by cdynaco; 9/20/11 at 09:19 PM.
9/21/11, 02:39 PM
#247
Tasca Super Boss 429 Member
An atheist was walking through the woods.
'What majestic trees!'
'What powerful rivers!'
'What beautiful animals!'
He said to himself.
As he was walking alongside the river, he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him.
He turned to look. He saw a 7-foot grizzly bear charge towards him.
He ran as fast as he could up the path. He looked over his shoulder & saw that the bear was closing in on him.
He looked over his shoulder again, & the bear was even closer.
He tripped & fell on the ground.
He rolled over to pick himself up but saw that the bear was right on top of him, reaching for him with his left paw & raising his right paw to strike him.
At that instant moment, the Atheist cried out: 'Oh my God!'
Time stopped.
The bear froze.
The forest was silent.
As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky.
'You deny my existence for all these years, teach others I don't exist and even credit creation to cosmic accident. Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament?
Am I to count you as a believer?'
The atheist looked directly into the light, and said: 'It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask you to treat me as a Christian now, but perhaps you could make the BEAR a Christian?'
'Very well', said the voice.
The light went out. The sounds of the forest resumed. And the bear dropped his right paw, brought both paws together, bowed his head & spoke:
'Lord bless this food, which I am about to receive from Thy bounty through Jesus Christ our Lord, Amen.'
'What majestic trees!'
'What powerful rivers!'
'What beautiful animals!'
He said to himself.
As he was walking alongside the river, he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him.
He turned to look. He saw a 7-foot grizzly bear charge towards him.
He ran as fast as he could up the path. He looked over his shoulder & saw that the bear was closing in on him.
He looked over his shoulder again, & the bear was even closer.
He tripped & fell on the ground.
He rolled over to pick himself up but saw that the bear was right on top of him, reaching for him with his left paw & raising his right paw to strike him.
At that instant moment, the Atheist cried out: 'Oh my God!'
Time stopped.
The bear froze.
The forest was silent.
As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky.
'You deny my existence for all these years, teach others I don't exist and even credit creation to cosmic accident. Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament?
Am I to count you as a believer?'
The atheist looked directly into the light, and said: 'It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask you to treat me as a Christian now, but perhaps you could make the BEAR a Christian?'
'Very well', said the voice.
The light went out. The sounds of the forest resumed. And the bear dropped his right paw, brought both paws together, bowed his head & spoke:
'Lord bless this food, which I am about to receive from Thy bounty through Jesus Christ our Lord, Amen.'
9/25/11, 09:03 AM
#248
Legacy TMS Member Pr
9/28/11, 03:53 PM
#249
legacy Tms Member
Do you fart in bed ?
. This is a story about a couple who had been happily married for years. The only friction in their marriage was the husband's habit of farting loudly every morning when he awoke. The noise would wake his wife and the smell would make her eyes water and make her gasp for air. Every morning... She would plead with him to stop ripping them off because it was making her sick. He told her he couldn't stop it and that it was perfectly natural. She told him to see a doctor, she was concerned that one day he would blow his guts out. The years went by and he continued to rip them out. Then one christmas day morning, as she was preparing the turkey for dinner and he was upstairs sound asleep, she looked at the innards, gizzard, liver and all the spare parts, and a malicious thought came to her. She took the bowl and went upstairs where her husband was sound asleep and, gently pulling the bed covers back, she pulled back the elastic waistband of his underpants and emptied the bowl of turkey guts into his shorts.. Some time later she heard her husband waken with his usual trumpeting which was followed by a blood curdling scream and the sound of frantic foot steps as he ran into the bath room. The wife could hardly control herself as she rolled on the floor laughing, tears in her eyes! After years of torture she reckoned she had got him back pretty good. About twenty minutes later, her husband came downstairs in his bloodstained underpants with a look of horror on his face. She bit her lip as she asked him what was the matter. He said, 'honey you were right.' 'all these years you have warned me and i didn't listen to you'. 'what do you mean?' asked his wife. 'well, you always told me that one day i would end up farting my guts out, and today it finally happened. But by the grace of god, some vaseline and two fingers. I think i got most of them back in !!!
. This is a story about a couple who had been happily married for years. The only friction in their marriage was the husband's habit of farting loudly every morning when he awoke. The noise would wake his wife and the smell would make her eyes water and make her gasp for air. Every morning... She would plead with him to stop ripping them off because it was making her sick. He told her he couldn't stop it and that it was perfectly natural. She told him to see a doctor, she was concerned that one day he would blow his guts out. The years went by and he continued to rip them out. Then one christmas day morning, as she was preparing the turkey for dinner and he was upstairs sound asleep, she looked at the innards, gizzard, liver and all the spare parts, and a malicious thought came to her. She took the bowl and went upstairs where her husband was sound asleep and, gently pulling the bed covers back, she pulled back the elastic waistband of his underpants and emptied the bowl of turkey guts into his shorts.. Some time later she heard her husband waken with his usual trumpeting which was followed by a blood curdling scream and the sound of frantic foot steps as he ran into the bath room. The wife could hardly control herself as she rolled on the floor laughing, tears in her eyes! After years of torture she reckoned she had got him back pretty good. About twenty minutes later, her husband came downstairs in his bloodstained underpants with a look of horror on his face. She bit her lip as she asked him what was the matter. He said, 'honey you were right.' 'all these years you have warned me and i didn't listen to you'. 'what do you mean?' asked his wife. 'well, you always told me that one day i would end up farting my guts out, and today it finally happened. But by the grace of god, some vaseline and two fingers. I think i got most of them back in !!!
10/1/11, 12:44 PM
#250
legacy Tms Member
*MAKE ME FEEL LIKE A WOMAN !!*
On a transatlantic flight, a plane passes
through a severe storm. The turbulence is awful,
and things go from bad to worse when one wing is
struck by lightning.
One woman, in particular, loses it. Screaming,
she stands up in the front of the plane.
'I'm too young to die,' she wails.
Then she yells, 'If I'm going to die, I want my
last minutes on earth to be memorable! Is there
anyone on this plane who can make me feel like a
WOMAN?'
For a moment there is silence. Everyone has
forgotten their own peril. They all stare, eyes
riveted, at this desperate woman in the front of
the plane.
Then a man from alabama stands up in the rear
of the plane. He is handsome, well built, with
dark brown hair and blue eyes.
He starts to walk slowly up the aisle,
unbuttoning his shirt, One…button …at a … time…
No one moves.
He removes his shirt. Muscles ripple across his
chest.
She gasps.
He says.. 'Iron this. Then get me a beer'
On a transatlantic flight, a plane passes
through a severe storm. The turbulence is awful,
and things go from bad to worse when one wing is
struck by lightning.
One woman, in particular, loses it. Screaming,
she stands up in the front of the plane.
'I'm too young to die,' she wails.
Then she yells, 'If I'm going to die, I want my
last minutes on earth to be memorable! Is there
anyone on this plane who can make me feel like a
WOMAN?'
For a moment there is silence. Everyone has
forgotten their own peril. They all stare, eyes
riveted, at this desperate woman in the front of
the plane.
Then a man from alabama stands up in the rear
of the plane. He is handsome, well built, with
dark brown hair and blue eyes.
He starts to walk slowly up the aisle,
unbuttoning his shirt, One…button …at a … time…
No one moves.
He removes his shirt. Muscles ripple across his
chest.
She gasps.
He says.. 'Iron this. Then get me a beer'
10/1/11, 04:48 PM
#251
Bullitt Member
Join Date: May 21, 2011
Location: Austin, TX
Posts: 505
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Originally Posted by HOSS429
*MAKE ME FEEL LIKE A WOMAN !!*
On a transatlantic flight, a plane passes
through a severe storm. The turbulence is awful,
and things go from bad to worse when one wing is
struck by lightning.
One woman, in particular, loses it. Screaming,
she stands up in the front of the plane.
'I'm too young to die,' she wails.
Then she yells, 'If I'm going to die, I want my
last minutes on earth to be memorable! Is there
anyone on this plane who can make me feel like a
WOMAN?'
For a moment there is silence. Everyone has
forgotten their own peril. They all stare, eyes
riveted, at this desperate woman in the front of
the plane.
Then a man from alabama stands up in the rear
of the plane. He is handsome, well built, with
dark brown hair and blue eyes.
He starts to walk slowly up the aisle,
unbuttoning his shirt, One...button ...at a ... time...
No one moves.
He removes his shirt. Muscles ripple across his
chest.
She gasps.
He says.. 'Iron this. Then get me a beer'
On a transatlantic flight, a plane passes
through a severe storm. The turbulence is awful,
and things go from bad to worse when one wing is
struck by lightning.
One woman, in particular, loses it. Screaming,
she stands up in the front of the plane.
'I'm too young to die,' she wails.
Then she yells, 'If I'm going to die, I want my
last minutes on earth to be memorable! Is there
anyone on this plane who can make me feel like a
WOMAN?'
For a moment there is silence. Everyone has
forgotten their own peril. They all stare, eyes
riveted, at this desperate woman in the front of
the plane.
Then a man from alabama stands up in the rear
of the plane. He is handsome, well built, with
dark brown hair and blue eyes.
He starts to walk slowly up the aisle,
unbuttoning his shirt, One...button ...at a ... time...
No one moves.
He removes his shirt. Muscles ripple across his
chest.
She gasps.
He says.. 'Iron this. Then get me a beer'
10/18/11, 12:56 PM
#255
legacy Tms Member
i was with this girl the other nite for the first time ..as i was undressing she noticed that my knees were all scared and marked with spots .. when she asked what happened i said " when i was young i had the kneezles ... she said " dont you mean meazles ... no i said ... kneezles .... when i took off my socks she noticed my toes were all curled up and strange looking ..again she asked what happened .. i said when i was young i had a bad case of toelio ... she said ..dont you mean polio ? no i said ,,,,,so when i took off my underwear she looked and said " dont tell me .. when you were young you had smallcox right !!!!
10/20/11, 07:18 AM
#257
legacy Tms Member
Apple announced today that it has developed a breast implant that can store and play music.
The iTit will cost from $499 to $699, depending on cup and speaker size.
This is considered a major social breakthrough because women are always complaining about men staring at their breasts and not listening to them
The iTit will cost from $499 to $699, depending on cup and speaker size.
This is considered a major social breakthrough because women are always complaining about men staring at their breasts and not listening to them
