Jokes
5/11/11, 01:11 PM
#221
On his 74th birthday, a man got a gift certificate from his wife. The certificate paid for a visit to a medicine man living on a nearby reservation who was rumored to have a wonderful cure for erectile dysfunction. After being persuaded, he drove to the reservation, handed his ticket to the medicine man, and wondered what he was in for.
The old man handed a potion to him, and with a grip on his shoulder, warned, "This is a powerful medicine. You take only a teaspoonful, and then say '1-2-3.' When you do, you will become more manly than you have ever been in your life, and you can perform as long as you want."
The man was encouraged. As he walked away, he turned and asked, "How do I stop the medicine from working?"
"Your partner must say '1-2-3-4,'" he responded, "but when she does, the medicine will not work again until the next full moon."
He was very eager to see if it worked so he went home, showered, shaved, took a spoonful of the medicine, and then invited his wife to join him in the bedroom. When she came in, he took off his clothes and said, "1-2-3!" Immediately, he was the manliest of men.
His wife was excited and began throwing off her clothes, and then she asked, "What was the 1-2-3 for?"
And that, boys and girls, is why we should never end our sentences with a preposition, because we could end up with a dangling participle.
The old man handed a potion to him, and with a grip on his shoulder, warned, "This is a powerful medicine. You take only a teaspoonful, and then say '1-2-3.' When you do, you will become more manly than you have ever been in your life, and you can perform as long as you want."
The man was encouraged. As he walked away, he turned and asked, "How do I stop the medicine from working?"
"Your partner must say '1-2-3-4,'" he responded, "but when she does, the medicine will not work again until the next full moon."
He was very eager to see if it worked so he went home, showered, shaved, took a spoonful of the medicine, and then invited his wife to join him in the bedroom. When she came in, he took off his clothes and said, "1-2-3!" Immediately, he was the manliest of men.
His wife was excited and began throwing off her clothes, and then she asked, "What was the 1-2-3 for?"
And that, boys and girls, is why we should never end our sentences with a preposition, because we could end up with a dangling participle.
5/13/11, 08:30 PM
#222
Legacy TMS Member Pr
5/17/11, 02:21 PM
#223
1. The sport of choice for the urban poor is BASKETBALL.
2. The sport of choice for maintenance level emplooyees is BOWLING.
3. The sport of choice for front-line workers is FOOTBALL.
4. The sport of choice for supervisors is BASEBALL.
5. The sport of choice for middle management is TENNIS.
And
6. The sport of choice for corporate executives and officers is GOLF.
THE AMAZING CONCLUSION:
The higher you go up in the corporate structure, the smaller your ***** become.
There must be a ton of people in Washington playing marbles!
2. The sport of choice for maintenance level emplooyees is BOWLING.
3. The sport of choice for front-line workers is FOOTBALL.
4. The sport of choice for supervisors is BASEBALL.
5. The sport of choice for middle management is TENNIS.
And
6. The sport of choice for corporate executives and officers is GOLF.
THE AMAZING CONCLUSION:
The higher you go up in the corporate structure, the smaller your ***** become.
There must be a ton of people in Washington playing marbles!
5/18/11, 09:08 PM
#225
Legacy TMS Member Pr
8/9/11, 02:25 PM
#227
Tasca Super Boss 429 Member
'Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl.'
The priest asks, 'Is that you, little Joey Pagano?'
'Yes, Father, it is.'
'And who was the girl you were with?'
'I can't tell you, Father, I don't want to ruin her reputation.'
'Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later so you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?'
'I cannot say.'
'Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?'
'I'll never tell.'
'Was it Nina Capelli?'
'I'm sorry, but I cannot name her.'
'Was it Cathy Piriano?'
'My lips are sealed.'
'Was it Rosa DiAngelo, then?'
'Please, Father, I cannot tell you.'
The priest sighs in frustration. 'You're very tight lipped, and I admire that. But you've sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an altar boy now for four months. Now you go and behave yourself.'
Joey walks back to his pew, and his friend Franco slides over and
whispers, 'What'd you get?'
whispers, 'What'd you get?'
'Four months vacation and five good leads...'
8/12/11, 06:19 AM
#228
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Two blondes decided to rob a bank together. The first blonde, Judy plans the robbery and goes over the plan with the second blonde, Buffie, in great detail.
The robbery begins. Judy drives up in front of the bank, stops the car and says to Buffie, "I want to make absolutely sure you understand the plan. You are supposed to be in and out of the bank in no more than three minutes with the cash. Do you understand the plan?"
"Perfectly," said Buffie. Buffie goes in the bank while Judy waits in the getaway car.
One minute passes . . . Two minutes pass . . . Seven minutes pass . . . and Judy is really stressing out.
Finally, the bank doors burst open and here comes Buffie. She's got a safe wrapped up in rope and is dragging it to the car. About the time she gets the safe in the trunk of the car, the bank doors burst open again with the security guard coming out.
The guard's pants and underwear are down around his ankles while he is firing his weapon. As the gals are getting away, Judy says "You are such a blonde! I thought you understood the plan!"
Buffie said, "I did . . . I did exactly what you said!"
"No, you idiot," said Judy. "I said tie up the GUARD and blow the SAFE!"
The robbery begins. Judy drives up in front of the bank, stops the car and says to Buffie, "I want to make absolutely sure you understand the plan. You are supposed to be in and out of the bank in no more than three minutes with the cash. Do you understand the plan?"
"Perfectly," said Buffie. Buffie goes in the bank while Judy waits in the getaway car.
One minute passes . . . Two minutes pass . . . Seven minutes pass . . . and Judy is really stressing out.
Finally, the bank doors burst open and here comes Buffie. She's got a safe wrapped up in rope and is dragging it to the car. About the time she gets the safe in the trunk of the car, the bank doors burst open again with the security guard coming out.
The guard's pants and underwear are down around his ankles while he is firing his weapon. As the gals are getting away, Judy says "You are such a blonde! I thought you understood the plan!"
Buffie said, "I did . . . I did exactly what you said!"
"No, you idiot," said Judy. "I said tie up the GUARD and blow the SAFE!"
8/13/11, 06:35 PM
#229
Tasca Super Boss 429 Member
My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.
She was not happy with what she saw and said to me,
"I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly.
I really need you to pay me a compliment."
I replied, "Your eyesight's dam near perfect."
And then the fight started...
She was not happy with what she saw and said to me,
"I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly.
I really need you to pay me a compliment."
I replied, "Your eyesight's dam near perfect."
And then the fight started...
8/13/11, 07:30 PM
#230
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so there's these three rednecks at a bar one night all talking and hanging out. The one says you know I really want to go back to school because I never went to college. So he signs up for some classes. He signs up for English, math, and logic. After he signs up he is sitting there thinking logic what's that all about? So he goes to class the Next day goes to his English class then his math class and then he gets to logic a little bit early. He goes up to the professor and he says you know I'm really interested in your class like what's logic all about? So the professor says I'll give you a little preview, let me ask you a couple questions. So he says ok do you have a lawn? And the redneck says yes I have a lawn and the professor says well then I can logically deduce that you have a lawn mower. The guy says yea your right I do have a lawnmower. So the professor says well if you have a lawn mower and a lawn I can logically deduce that you have a house. The guy says yes ur right I do have a house. So the professor says well if you have a house I can logically deduce that you have a wife and a family with kids. And the guy says ur right I do have a wife and kids. So the professor says well if you have a wife and kids I can deduce that you are a heterosexual and you like women. The guy says your right I do! So he finishes the class and goes back to the bar later that night with his friends. The two other rednecks are asking him about his classes and one of them says hey I'm also really interested in logic what's it all about? So the guy says here I'll show u I just have to ask u a couple of questions. So he says do you have a lawn? The guy goes well no I live in an apartment. He says o ok well then your gay!
8/13/11, 08:52 PM
#231
Boudreaux is a Cajun widower living on his houseboat in the Atchafalaya region of Louisiana. His children convince him to go on a Caribbean cruise. While on the cruise he meets Mrs. Wyatt, a multimillionaire widow from Dallas. Mrs. Wyatt falls for Boudreaux's Cajun charm and they start dating after the cruise. Eventually when they decide to get married, Mrs. Wyatt's personal attorney meets with Boudreaux and wants him to sign a prenuptial agreement. He tells Boudreaux that in the event of divorce Mrs. Wyatt gets to keep her Mansion in Highland Park. Boudreaux says fine, as long as he gets to keep his houseboat. The attorney says Mrs. Wyatt gets to keep all of her jewelry. Boudreaux agrees as long as he gets to keep his shotgun. Mrs. Wyatt gets to keep her yacht, fine says Boudreaux if he gets to keep his pirogue. Finally the attorney comes to the last point and tells Boudreaux that Mrs. Wyatt wants to have sex five nights a week. Boudreaux says that is fine, they can put him down for Friday night.
8/23/11, 07:52 PM
#232
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Medical advice
A woman goes to the doctor all black and blue ...
Doctor: "What happened?"
Woman: "Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every time my husband comes home drunk on Royale Crown he beats me to a pulp."
Doctor: "I have a real good remedy for that. When your husband comes home drunk on Royale Crown, just take a glass of sweet tea and start swishing it in your mouth but don't swallow. Just keep swishing and swishing until he goes
to bed in his Crownie stupor."
Two weeks later the woman comes back to the doctor looking fresh and reborn.
Woman: "Doctor, that was a brilliant idea. Every time my husband came home drunk on Royale Crown, I swished with sweet tea. I swished and swished, and he didn't touch me!"
Doctor: "You see how much keeping your mouth shut helps?"
A woman goes to the doctor all black and blue ...
Doctor: "What happened?"
Woman: "Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every time my husband comes home drunk on Royale Crown he beats me to a pulp."
Doctor: "I have a real good remedy for that. When your husband comes home drunk on Royale Crown, just take a glass of sweet tea and start swishing it in your mouth but don't swallow. Just keep swishing and swishing until he goes
to bed in his Crownie stupor."
Two weeks later the woman comes back to the doctor looking fresh and reborn.
Woman: "Doctor, that was a brilliant idea. Every time my husband came home drunk on Royale Crown, I swished with sweet tea. I swished and swished, and he didn't touch me!"
Doctor: "You see how much keeping your mouth shut helps?"
8/24/11, 03:09 PM
#233
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On the Public Address system:
'Cleanup on aisle 25, we have a husband down.'
Husband Down
A husband and wife are shopping when the husband picks up a case of beer and puts it in their cart.
“What do you think you're doing?” asks the wife.
“They're on sale, only $10 for 24 cans” he replies.
“Put them back, we can't afford them” demands the wife, and so they carry on shopping.
A few aisles further on along the woman picks up a $20 jar of face cream and puts it in the basket.
“What do you think you're doing?”
asks the husband.
“It’s my face cream. It makes me look beautiful,” replies the wife.
Her husband retorts: “So does 24 cans of beer and it's half the price.”
“What do you think you're doing?” asks the wife.
“They're on sale, only $10 for 24 cans” he replies.
“Put them back, we can't afford them” demands the wife, and so they carry on shopping.
A few aisles further on along the woman picks up a $20 jar of face cream and puts it in the basket.
“What do you think you're doing?”
asks the husband.
“It’s my face cream. It makes me look beautiful,” replies the wife.
Her husband retorts: “So does 24 cans of beer and it's half the price.”
He never knew what hit him.
8/30/11, 02:53 AM
#234
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a priest at a church one day asked three nuns to each confess one thing in their lives they should get redemption for.
the priest went to the first nun. "what is it that you would like to recieve forgiveness for?" she replied, "i stole bread from the marketplace.." then he said, "now go drink from the holy water and you are forgiven." the third nun began to laugh.
the priest then went to the second nun. "what is it that you would like to recieve forgiveness for?" she replied, "i got angry and swore..." then he said, "now go drink from the holy water and you are forgiven." at this point the third nun was hysterically laughing.
the priest then finally went to the third nun. "what is it that you would like to recieve forgiveness for?" then she replied "i peed in the holy water!"
the priest went to the first nun. "what is it that you would like to recieve forgiveness for?" she replied, "i stole bread from the marketplace.." then he said, "now go drink from the holy water and you are forgiven." the third nun began to laugh.
the priest then went to the second nun. "what is it that you would like to recieve forgiveness for?" she replied, "i got angry and swore..." then he said, "now go drink from the holy water and you are forgiven." at this point the third nun was hysterically laughing.
the priest then finally went to the third nun. "what is it that you would like to recieve forgiveness for?" then she replied "i peed in the holy water!"
9/2/11, 02:16 PM
#235
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My Gosh, I'm Rich!
Silver in the Hair
Gold in the Teeth
Crystals in the Kidneys
Sugar in the Blood
Lead in the Butt
Iron in the Arteries
And an Inexhaustible Supply of Natural Gas.
I never thought I'd accumulate such wealth!
Silver in the Hair
Gold in the Teeth
Crystals in the Kidneys
Sugar in the Blood
Lead in the Butt
Iron in the Arteries
And an Inexhaustible Supply of Natural Gas.
I never thought I'd accumulate such wealth!
9/14/11, 10:07 PM
#236
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An 80 yr Old lady was marrying for the 4th time the newspaper asked if she would mind talking about her first 3 husbands & what they did for a living. She smiled & said "My first husband was a Banker, then I married a Circus Ringmaster. Next was a Preacher & now in my 80's, a Funeral Director" When asked why the 4 Men had such diverse careers. She explained "I married one for the money, 2 for the show, 3 to get ready & 4 to go...
9/16/11, 11:20 AM
#237
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Two ladies of a certain age are walking through Brighton. They see a naked man in a trance-like state sitting on a lawn. One says to the other, "Say, isn't that Peter Green?" The other, who is perhaps not so sharp, says "No, it's just a little grass-stained".
9/16/11, 12:41 PM
#238
Mach 1 Member
A guy is driving around Florida and he sees a sign in front of a house: "Talking Dog For Sale."
He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard.The guy goes into the backyard and sees a Labrador itting there.
"You talk?" he asks.
"Yep," the Lab replies.
"Really, now!!! So, what's your story?"
The Lab looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA about my gift, and in no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping.
I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running. But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals. Then, I met a gorgeous female Lab, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."
The guy is amazed. He runs back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.
"Ten dollars," the guy says.
"Ten dollars??? This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?"
"Because he's lying. He never did any of that spyin' stuff."
He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard.The guy goes into the backyard and sees a Labrador itting there.
"You talk?" he asks.
"Yep," the Lab replies.
"Really, now!!! So, what's your story?"
The Lab looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA about my gift, and in no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping.
I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running. But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals. Then, I met a gorgeous female Lab, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."
The guy is amazed. He runs back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.
"Ten dollars," the guy says.
"Ten dollars??? This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?"
"Because he's lying. He never did any of that spyin' stuff."
Last edited by Kinyodas; 9/16/11 at 12:43 PM. Reason: links
9/16/11, 12:54 PM
#239
Moira and Mary
Moira and Mary, two Irish women in the country, are shopping together for vegetables at the green grocer. They get to the potato bin and Moira says, "Look dere Mary, that tater reminds me of me Paddy's *****." Mary responds, "Your Paddy's *****? Is it the length of it or the breadth of it that reminds you of your Paddy's *****?" Moira replies, "Neither, its the dirt all over it."
(Funnier when spoken with an Irish brogue)
(Funnier when spoken with an Irish brogue)
