edumspeed

I was at my bank today; there was a short line.
There was just one lady in front of me, an Asian lady who was trying to exchange yen for dollars. It was obvious she was a little irritated . . .

She asked the teller, "Why it change? Yesterday, I get two hunat dolla fo yen. Today I only get hunat eighty? Why it change?"
The teller shrugged his shoulders and said, "Fluctuations."

The Asian lady says, "Fluc you white people too"

--------

Anyone ever heard the joke about the Asian who went to the eye doctor?

Guy goes in for an eye exam, doctor says, "I'm sorry to inform you sir, but you have a Cataract."
"No I don't" - Patient.
"I'll check again if you would like, but I am fairly certain you do."
Doctor checks again.
"Yes, you definatly have a cataract."
"No, no, I don't have a Cadarac, I drive a Rincoln!"

edumspeed

A guy walks into the local welfare office, marches straight up to the counter and says,"Hi...You know, I just HATE drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job." The social worker behind the counter says,"Your timing is excellent.* We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur and bodyguard for his nymphomaniac daughter. You'll have to drive around in his Mercedes, but he'll supply all of your clothes. Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll be expected to escort her on her overseas holiday trips. You will have to satisfy her sexual urges. You'll have a two- bedroom apartment above the garage. The starting salary is $200,000 a year". The guy says, "You're bull****tin' me!" The social worker says, "Yeah, well... you started it.

edumspeed

A woman has a facelift for her 50th birthday. she spends 15,000, and feels pretty good about the results. On her way home, she stops at a newstand to buy a paper. Before leaving, she says to the clerk, "Just wanted to ask, how old do you think I am?" "About 32?" was his reply. "Nope! I'm actually 50! she cheered. A while later she goes into a McDonald's and ask the counter girl the same question. Girl replies, "About 29." Woman smiles. "Nope, I'm 50!" At the drugstore, the guy guessed, "You're 30!" She responds, I'm 50, but thank you! While waiting for the bus she asked an old man the same question. he replies, "lady, I'm 78, my eyesight is going, but I know there is a sure fire way to tell how old you are. it requires me to put my hands under your bra, and I can tell you EXACTLY how old you are." She thought a moment, then decided, what the hell, go ahead. he slips his hand under her bra and squeezed her breast together, massaging them, and squeezing her nipples. she flinched. Okay! How old am I? He removes his hands and says, "Ma'am, you're 50." Amazed, the woman asked, "Wow, how could you tell?" the old man says, "promise you wont get mad?" I promise I won't! she says. "I was standing behind you at McDonald's.

edumspeed

There are two statues in a park; one of a nude man and one of a nude woman. They had been facing each other across a pathway for a hundred years, when one day an angel comes down from the sky and, with a single gesture, brings the two to life.
The angel tells them, 'As a reward for being so patient through a hundred blazing summers and dismal winters, you have been given life for thirty minutes to do what you've wished to do the most.'
He looks at her, she looks at him, and they go running behind the shrubbery.
The angel waits patiently as the bushes rustle and giggling ensues. After fifteen minutes, the two return, out of breath and laughing. The angel tells them, 'Um, you have fifteen minutes left,would you care to do it again?' He asks her 'Shall we?' She eagerly replies, 'Oh, yes, let's! But let's change positions. This time, I'll hold the pigeon down and you **** on its head.'

edumspeed

priest was driving along and saw a nun on the side of the road. He stopped and offered her a lift, which she accepted. She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to open. The priest had a look and nearly had an accident. After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg. The nun looked at him and immediately said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?" The priest was flustered and apologized profusely. He forced himself to remove his hand. Changing gear, he let his hand slide up her leg again. The nun once again said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?" Once again the priest apologized "gave her a sorry meaningful glance" and went on to drop her at her destination and then proceeded on his way. On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to retrieve a bible and looked up Psalm 129. It Said, "Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory." Moral of the story: If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity.

edumspeed

Cop pulls a woman over for speeding, he looks at her and she is wearing scrubs. He nods to her and asks in a snotty tone "What's the emergency hm?" she looks up at him and says "Important surgery Ive got to prep for, I'm a rectum stretcher." the cop widens his eyes "What on earth is a rectum stretcher?" she answers "Well I use a device to slowly stretch the rectum inch by inch." cop just scratches his head "Ouch and just how much do you stretch them?" she nods "Til about six feet or so." he blinks and raises his voice " WHAT THE HELL DO YOU DO WITH A SIX FOOT *******?" she smirks and says back "Easy, you give him a radar gun and tell him to pull people over."

edumspeed

Several men are in the locker room of a golf club when a cellular phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands-free speaker function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.

MAN: "Hello!"

WOMAN: "Hi Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"

MAN: "Yes."

WOMAN: "I'm at the shops now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only $2,000; is it OK if I buy it?"

MAN: "Sure, go ahead if you like it that much."

WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Lexus dealership and saw the new models. I saw one I really liked."

MAN: "How much?"

WOMAN: "$90,000."

MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."

WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing. I was just talking to Janie and found out that the house I wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking $980,000 for it."

MAN: "Well, then go ahead and make an offer of $900,000. They'll probably take it. If not, we can go the extra eighty-thousand if it's what you really want."

WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you so much!"

MAN: "Bye! I love you, too."

The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are staring at him in astonishment, mouths wide open.

He turns and asks, "Anyone know whose phone this is?"

HOSS429

Due to a power outage , only one paramedic responded to the call . The house was very dark so the paramedic asked Kathleen , a 3-yr old girl to hold a flashlight high over her mommy so he could see while he helped deliver the baby .

Very diligently , Kathleen did as she was asked .

Heidi pushed and pushed and after a little while , Connor was born .

The paramedic lifted him by his little feet and spanked him on his bottom .. Connor began to cry .

The paramedic then thanked Kathleen for her help and asked the wide-eyed 3-yr old what she thought about what she had just witnessed .

Kathleen quickly responded , ' He shouldn't have crawled in there in the first place , smack his a$$ again !'

cdynaco

A cowboy named Bud was overseeing his herd in a remote mountainous pasture in Montana when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced toward him out of a cloud of dust.

The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, RayBan sunglasses and YSL tie, leaned out the window and asked the cowboy, "If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?"

Bud looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, "Sure, Why not?"
The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects it to his CingularRAZR V3 cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.

The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg , Germany . Within seconds, he receives an E-Mail on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses an MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with an E-Mail on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response.
Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer, turns to the cowboy and says, "You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves."


"That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves," says Bud.
He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on with amusement as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.

Then Bud says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?"

The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why not?"

"You're a Congressman for the U.S. Government", says Bud.

"Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?"

"No guessing required." answered the cowboy. "You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You used millions of dollars worth of equipment trying to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you don't know a thing about how working people make a living - or about cows, for that matter. This is a herd of sheep. ...


Now give me back my dog.

HOSS429

MARRIED 30 + YEARS

A man wakes up in the hospital bandaged from head to foot.
The doctor comes in and says, "Ah, I see you've regained
consciousness.

Now you probably won't remember, but you were in a huge pile-up on
the freeway. You're going to be ok, you'll walk again and everything,
but your ***** was severed in the accident and we couldn't find it."

The man groans, but the doctor goes on, "You have $9000 in
insurance compensation coming and we now have the technology to
build a new *****. They work great but they don't come cheap. It's
roughly $1000 an inch."
The man perks up.
"So," the doctor says, "You must decide how many inches you want.
But I understand that you have been married for over thirty years
and this is something you should discuss with your wife.
If you had a five incher before and get a nine incher now she might
be a bit put out.
If you had a nine incher before and you decide to only invest in a
five incher now, she might be disappointed.
It's important that she plays a role in helping you make a decision."
The man agrees to talk it over with his wife.

The doctor comes back the next day, "So, have you spoken with your
wife?"
"Yes I have," says the man.
"And has she helped you make a decision?"
"Yes" says the man.
"What is your decision?" asks the doctor.

"We're getting granite countertops."
__________________

Zastava_101

cdynaco

The Magic Green Hat

The other day I needed to go to the emergency room.
Not wanting to sit there for 4 hours, I put on my MAGIC GREEN HAT.
When I went into the E.R., I noticed that 3/4 of the people got up and left.

I guess they decided that they weren't that sick after all.
Cut at least 3 hours off my waiting time.
It also works at DMV. It saved me 5 hours.

At the Laundromat, three minutes after entering, I had my choice of any machine, most still running.

But...don't try it at McDonald's. The whole crew got up and left and l never got my order!

cdynaco

‎3 men were captured by female savages.........

and told that their d!cks would be removed in a manner appropriate to their jobs.

1st man was a lumberjack, so his would be chopped off.
2nd man was a butcher so his would be sliced off.
3rd man in hysterics!

"Why so funny? asked his captures.............

He replied.................



"I work for Dyson!"

cdynaco

CONFUCIUS DIDN'T SAY


Man who wants pretty nurse, must be patient.

Passionate kiss, like spider web, leads to undoing of fly.

Better to be pissed off than pissed on.

Lady who goes camping must beware of evil intent.

Squirrel who runs up womans' leg will not find nuts.

Man who leaps off cliff jumps to conclusion.

Man who eats many prunes get good run for money.

War does not determine who is right, it determines who is left.

It takes many nails to build a crib, but one screw to fill it.

Man who drives like hell is bound to get there.

Man who stands on toilet is high on pot.

denlem

Man who fart in church sit in his own pew.

Rather B.Blown

A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid
her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the
bird's chest.

After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said, "I'm sorry, your
duck, Cuddles, has passed away."

The distressed woman wailed, "Are you sure?" "Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead," replied the vet..

"How can you be so sure?" she protested. "I mean you haven't done any testing
on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."

The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a few
minutes later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the
duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his
front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom.
He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.

The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room. A few
minutes later he returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also
delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on
its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.

The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is
most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."

The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a
bill, which
he handed to the woman..

The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$150!" she cried, "$150
just to tell me my duck is dead!"

The vet shrugged, "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill
would have been $20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now
$150."

cdynaco

A Texan walks into a pub in Ireland and clears his voice to the crowd of drinkers. He says, "I hear you Irish are a bunch of hard drinkers. I'll give $500 American dollars to anybody in here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness back-to-back."

The room is quiet and no one takes up the Texan's offer. One man even leaves. Thirty minutes lat...er the same gentleman who left shows back up and taps the Texan on the shoulder. "Is your bet still good?" asks the Irishman.

The Texan says yes and asks the bartender to line up 10 pints of Guinness. Immediately the Irishman tears into all 10 of the pint glasses drinking them all back-to-back.

The other pub patrons cheer as the Texan sits in amazement. The Texan gives the Irishman the $500 and says, "If ya don't mind me askin', where did you go for that 30 minutes you were gone?"

The Irishman replies, "Oh ... I had to go to the pub down the street to see if I could do it first."

cdynaco

No Geiger Counter?


If you are at all concerned about radiation fallout from Japan’s Fukushima reactor reaching America, here’s a readily available, innovative and inexpensive radiation tester you can use anywhere in your home.


1. Open a bag of Orville Redenbocker microwave popcorn.

2. Leave it on a table and if it starts popping, you're screwed.

edumspeed

HOSS429

during my recent power outage i passed the time by killing flys that had come into my home as i had the doors open to allow in some light . soon my neighbor came over ..seeing me with flyswatter in hand ..
"What are you doing?" he asked
"Hunting" i replied
"What are you hunting?" he said
"Flys" i answered
"Any luck?" he asked
"Yes, I've killed 3 males and 2 females"
"How can you tell the difference between a male and female?" he asked
"3 were on beer cans and 2 were on the phone !" i replied