Jokes
2/14/10, 11:07 AM
#141
2/14/10, 09:19 PM
#142
Thanks Spencer:
Subject: FW: Never cheat on a country girl
A Country wife came home just in time to find her husband in bed with another woman.
With super-human strength, borne of fury, and cutting firewood, lifting sacks of feed, and bales of hay, she dragged him down the stairs, out the back door, and into the barn.
She put his manhood in a vice and then secured it tightly and removed the handle. Next she picked up an old carpenter's saw.
The banged up cheater was terrified, and hollered, "Stop ! Stop ! You're not gonna cut it off with that rusty saw, are you?"
The wife, with a gleam of revenge in her eye, put the saw in her husband's hand and said........
"Nope...You are! I'm gonna burn down the Barn!!!"
No No NO
Subject: FW: Never cheat on a country girl
A Country wife came home just in time to find her husband in bed with another woman.
With super-human strength, borne of fury, and cutting firewood, lifting sacks of feed, and bales of hay, she dragged him down the stairs, out the back door, and into the barn.
She put his manhood in a vice and then secured it tightly and removed the handle. Next she picked up an old carpenter's saw.
The banged up cheater was terrified, and hollered, "Stop ! Stop ! You're not gonna cut it off with that rusty saw, are you?"
The wife, with a gleam of revenge in her eye, put the saw in her husband's hand and said........
"Nope...You are! I'm gonna burn down the Barn!!!"
2/22/10, 12:47 PM
#143
BoogieNights Studios:
Official Fluffer
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MALE VS. FEMALE AT THE ATM MACHINE
A new sign in the Bank Lobby reads:
'Please note that this Bank is installing new Drive-through ATM machines enabling customers to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles.
Customers using this new facility are requested to use the procedures outlined below when accessing their accounts.
After months of careful research, "MALE & FEMALE" procedures have been developed. Please follow the appropriate steps for your gender.'
*******************************
MALE PROCEDURE:
1. Drive up to the cash machine.
2. Put down your car window.
3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.
4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.
5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.
6. Put window up.
7. Drive off.
*******************************
FEMALE PROCEDURE:
(What is really funny is that most of this part is the truth!!!!)
1. Drive up to cash machine.
2. Reverse and back up the required amount to align car window with the machine.
3. Set parking brake, put the window down.
4. Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card.
5. Tell person on cell phone you will call them back and hang up.
6. Attempt to insert card into machine.
7. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the car.
8. Insert card.
9. Re-insert card the right way.
10. Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page.
11. Enter PIN.
12. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.
13. Enter amount of cash required.
14. Check makeup in rear view mirror.
15. Retrieve cash and receipt.
16. Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place cash inside.
17. Write debit amount in check register and place receipt in back of check book.
18. Re-check makeup.
19. Drive forward 2 feet.
20. Reverse back to cash machine.
21. Retrieve card.
22. Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot provided!
23. Give dirty look to irate male driver waiting behind you.
24. Restart stalled engine and pull off.
25. Re-dial person on cell phone.
26. Drive for 2 to 3 miles.
27. Release Parking Brake.
A new sign in the Bank Lobby reads:
'Please note that this Bank is installing new Drive-through ATM machines enabling customers to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles.
Customers using this new facility are requested to use the procedures outlined below when accessing their accounts.
After months of careful research, "MALE & FEMALE" procedures have been developed. Please follow the appropriate steps for your gender.'
*******************************
MALE PROCEDURE:
1. Drive up to the cash machine.
2. Put down your car window.
3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.
4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.
5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.
6. Put window up.
7. Drive off.
*******************************
FEMALE PROCEDURE:
(What is really funny is that most of this part is the truth!!!!)
1. Drive up to cash machine.
2. Reverse and back up the required amount to align car window with the machine.
3. Set parking brake, put the window down.
4. Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card.
5. Tell person on cell phone you will call them back and hang up.
6. Attempt to insert card into machine.
7. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the car.
8. Insert card.
9. Re-insert card the right way.
10. Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page.
11. Enter PIN.
12. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.
13. Enter amount of cash required.
14. Check makeup in rear view mirror.
15. Retrieve cash and receipt.
16. Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place cash inside.
17. Write debit amount in check register and place receipt in back of check book.
18. Re-check makeup.
19. Drive forward 2 feet.
20. Reverse back to cash machine.
21. Retrieve card.
22. Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot provided!
23. Give dirty look to irate male driver waiting behind you.
24. Restart stalled engine and pull off.
25. Re-dial person on cell phone.
26. Drive for 2 to 3 miles.
27. Release Parking Brake.
2/26/10, 03:26 PM
#145
Tasca Super Boss 429 Member
For all of us who are married, were married, wish you were married, or wish you weren't married, this is something to smile about the next time you seea bottle of wine:
Sally was driving home from one of her business trips in Northern Arizonawhen she saw an elderly Navajo woman walking on the side of the road.
As the trip was a long and quiet one, she stopped the car and asked theNavajo woman if she would like a ride.
With a silent nod of thanks, the woman got into the car.Resuming the journey, Sally tried in vain to make a bit of small talk withthe Navajo woman.
The old woman just sat silently, looking intently at everything she saw, studying every little detail, until she noticed a brownbag on the seat next to Sally.
'What's in bag?' asked the old woman.
Sally looked down at the brown bag and said, 'It's a bottle of wine. I got it for my husband.
'The Navajo woman was silent for another moment or two...
Then speaking with the quiet wisdom of an elder, she said: 'Good trade'...
Sally was driving home from one of her business trips in Northern Arizonawhen she saw an elderly Navajo woman walking on the side of the road.
As the trip was a long and quiet one, she stopped the car and asked theNavajo woman if she would like a ride.
With a silent nod of thanks, the woman got into the car.Resuming the journey, Sally tried in vain to make a bit of small talk withthe Navajo woman.
The old woman just sat silently, looking intently at everything she saw, studying every little detail, until she noticed a brownbag on the seat next to Sally.
'What's in bag?' asked the old woman.
Sally looked down at the brown bag and said, 'It's a bottle of wine. I got it for my husband.
'The Navajo woman was silent for another moment or two...
Then speaking with the quiet wisdom of an elder, she said: 'Good trade'...
3/5/10, 11:08 AM
#146
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An old man decided he needed to go to the doctor. His wife said "Why?" He said, "I wanna get some of that Viagra!" Without a word the old lady reached for her coat. He said, "Where are you going?" The old lady replied, "I'm going to the doctor too! If you're planning on useing that old rusty thing, I'm gonna need a Tetanus shot!"
3/15/10, 03:41 PM
#147
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Priest and a Rabbi
A Priest and a Rabbi were sitting next to each other on an airplane.
After a while, the Priest turned to the Rabbi and asked, “Is it still a requirement of your faith that you not eat pork?”
The Rabbi responded, “Yes, that is still one of our laws.”
The Priest then asked, “Have you ever eaten pork?”
To which the Rabbi replied, “Yes, on one occasion I did succumb to temptation and tasted a ham sandwich.”
The Priest nodded in understanding and went on with his reading.
A while later, the Rabbi spoke up and asked the Priest, “Father, is it still a requirement of your church that you remain celibate?”
The Priest replied, “Yes, that is still very much a part of our faith.”
The Rabbi then asked him, “Father, have you ever fallen to the temptations of the flesh?”
The Priest replied, “Yes, Rabbi, on one occasion I was weak and broke my faith.”
The Rabbi nodded understandingly and remained silent, thinking, for about five minutes.
Finally, the Rabbi said, “Beats a ham sandwich, doesn’t it?”
After a while, the Priest turned to the Rabbi and asked, “Is it still a requirement of your faith that you not eat pork?”
The Rabbi responded, “Yes, that is still one of our laws.”
The Priest then asked, “Have you ever eaten pork?”
To which the Rabbi replied, “Yes, on one occasion I did succumb to temptation and tasted a ham sandwich.”
The Priest nodded in understanding and went on with his reading.
A while later, the Rabbi spoke up and asked the Priest, “Father, is it still a requirement of your church that you remain celibate?”
The Priest replied, “Yes, that is still very much a part of our faith.”
The Rabbi then asked him, “Father, have you ever fallen to the temptations of the flesh?”
The Priest replied, “Yes, Rabbi, on one occasion I was weak and broke my faith.”
The Rabbi nodded understandingly and remained silent, thinking, for about five minutes.
Finally, the Rabbi said, “Beats a ham sandwich, doesn’t it?”
4/9/10, 10:39 AM
#148
Tasca Super Boss 429 Member
An attorney arrived home late, after a very tough day trying to get a stay of execution.
His last minute plea for clemency to the governor had failed and he was feeling worn out and depressed.
As soon as he walked through the door at home, his wife started on him about, 'What time of night to be getting home is this? Where have you been?
Dinner is cold and I'm not reheating it'. And on and on and on.
Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he poured himself a shot of whiskey and headed off for a long hot soak in the bathtub, pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks as he dragged himself up the stairs.
While he was in the bath, the phone rang. The wife answered and was told that her husband's client, James Wright, had been granted a stay of execution after all. Wright would not be hanged tonight.
Finally realizing what a terrible day he must have had, she decided to go up stairs and give him the good news.
As she opened the bathroom door, she was greeted by the sight of her husband, bent over naked, drying his legs and feet.
'They're not hanging Wright tonight,' she said.
He whirled around and screamed, 'FOR THE LOVE OF GOD WOMAN, DON'T YOU EVER STOP?!'
His last minute plea for clemency to the governor had failed and he was feeling worn out and depressed.
As soon as he walked through the door at home, his wife started on him about, 'What time of night to be getting home is this? Where have you been?
Dinner is cold and I'm not reheating it'. And on and on and on.
Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he poured himself a shot of whiskey and headed off for a long hot soak in the bathtub, pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks as he dragged himself up the stairs.
While he was in the bath, the phone rang. The wife answered and was told that her husband's client, James Wright, had been granted a stay of execution after all. Wright would not be hanged tonight.
Finally realizing what a terrible day he must have had, she decided to go up stairs and give him the good news.
As she opened the bathroom door, she was greeted by the sight of her husband, bent over naked, drying his legs and feet.
'They're not hanging Wright tonight,' she said.
He whirled around and screamed, 'FOR THE LOVE OF GOD WOMAN, DON'T YOU EVER STOP?!'
4/9/10, 12:03 PM
#150
A blond city girl named Amy marries a Colorado rancher.
One morning, on his way out to check on the cows, the rancher says to Amy,
'The insemination man is coming over to impregnate one of our cows today, so I drove a nail into the 2 by 4 just above where the cow's stall is in the barn. Please show him where the cow is when he gets here, OK?'
The rancher leaves for the fields. After a while, the artificial insemination man arrives and knocks on the front door.
Amy takes him down to the barn. They walk along the row of cows and when Amy sees the nail, she tells him, 'This is the one right here.'
The man, assuming he is dealing with an air head blond, asks, 'Tell me lady, 'cause I'm dying to know; how would YOU know that this is the right cow to be bred?'
'That's simple," she said. "By the nail that's over its stall,' she explains very confidently.
Laughing rudely at her, the man says, 'And what, pray tell, is the nail for?'
The blond turns to walk away and says sweetly over her shoulder,
'I guess it's to hang your pants on..'
One morning, on his way out to check on the cows, the rancher says to Amy,
'The insemination man is coming over to impregnate one of our cows today, so I drove a nail into the 2 by 4 just above where the cow's stall is in the barn. Please show him where the cow is when he gets here, OK?'
The rancher leaves for the fields. After a while, the artificial insemination man arrives and knocks on the front door.
Amy takes him down to the barn. They walk along the row of cows and when Amy sees the nail, she tells him, 'This is the one right here.'
The man, assuming he is dealing with an air head blond, asks, 'Tell me lady, 'cause I'm dying to know; how would YOU know that this is the right cow to be bred?'
'That's simple," she said. "By the nail that's over its stall,' she explains very confidently.
Laughing rudely at her, the man says, 'And what, pray tell, is the nail for?'
The blond turns to walk away and says sweetly over her shoulder,
'I guess it's to hang your pants on..'
4/9/10, 03:37 PM
#151
Tasca Super Boss 429 Member
DADDY'S GONNA EAT YOUR FINGERS
I was packing for my business trip and my three year old daughter was having a
wonderful time playing on the bed. At one point she said, 'Daddy, look at this' ,
and stuck out two of her fingers.
Trying to keep her entertained, I reached out and stuck her tiny fingers in my mouth and said ,
'Daddy's gonna eat your fingers,'pretending to eat them.
I went back to packing, looked up again and my daughter was standing on the bed
Trying to keep her entertained, I reached out and stuck her tiny fingers in my mouth and said ,
'Daddy's gonna eat your fingers,'pretending to eat them.
I went back to packing, looked up again and my daughter was standing on the bed
staring at her fingers with a devastated look on her face.
I said, 'What's wrong, honey?'
She replied,
'What happened to my booger?'
I said, 'What's wrong, honey?'
She replied,
'What happened to my booger?'
4/9/10, 03:55 PM
#152
Shelby GT500 Member
Join Date: April 13, 2006
Location: McAllen, Texas
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DADDY'S GONNA EAT YOUR FINGERS
I was packing for my business trip and my three year old daughter was having a
wonderful time playing on the bed. At one point she said, 'Daddy, look at this' ,
and stuck out two of her fingers.
staring at her fingers with a devastated look on her face.
and stuck out two of her fingers.
Trying to keep her entertained, I reached out and stuck her tiny fingers in my mouth and said ,
'Daddy's gonna eat your fingers,'pretending to eat them.
'Daddy's gonna eat your fingers,'pretending to eat them.
I went back to packing, looked up again and my daughter was standing on the bed
staring at her fingers with a devastated look on her face.
I said, 'What's wrong, honey?'
She replied,
'What happened to my booger?'
'What happened to my booger?'
EPIC 
4/14/10, 09:55 PM
#156
4/15/10, 04:54 AM
#158
4/23/10, 01:59 PM
#159
Post *****
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A cannibal was walking through the jungle and came upon a restaurant operated by a fellow cannibal.
Feeling somewhat hungry, he sat down and looked over the menu ...
+Tourist:$5.00
+Broiled Missionary:$10.00
+Fried Explorer: $15.00
+Baked Democrat or Grilled Republican: $100.00
The cannibal called the waiter over and asked, "Why such a price difference for the Politicians?"
The waiter replied, "Have you ever tried to clean one? They're so full of ****, it takes all morning."
Feeling somewhat hungry, he sat down and looked over the menu ...
+Tourist:$5.00
+Broiled Missionary:$10.00
+Fried Explorer: $15.00
+Baked Democrat or Grilled Republican: $100.00
The cannibal called the waiter over and asked, "Why such a price difference for the Politicians?"
The waiter replied, "Have you ever tried to clean one? They're so full of ****, it takes all morning."
Last edited by cdynaco; 4/23/10 at 02:01 PM.
4/23/10, 02:43 PM
#160
Shelby GT500 Member
Join Date: April 13, 2006
Location: McAllen, Texas
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A cannibal was walking through the jungle and came upon a restaurant operated by a fellow cannibal.
Feeling somewhat hungry, he sat down and looked over the menu ...
+Tourist:$5.00
+Broiled Missionary:$10.00
+Fried Explorer: $15.00
+Baked Democrat or Grilled Republican: $100.00
The cannibal called the waiter over and asked, "Why such a price difference for the Politicians?"
The waiter replied, "Have you ever tried to clean one? They're so full of ****, it takes all morning."
Feeling somewhat hungry, he sat down and looked over the menu ...
+Tourist:$5.00
+Broiled Missionary:$10.00
+Fried Explorer: $15.00
+Baked Democrat or Grilled Republican: $100.00
The cannibal called the waiter over and asked, "Why such a price difference for the Politicians?"
The waiter replied, "Have you ever tried to clean one? They're so full of ****, it takes all morning."