Jokes
1/22/10, 03:56 PM
#122
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Join Date: December 14, 2007
Location: State of Jefferson Mountains USA
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Times are Tough. The economy is so bad that:
I got a pre-declined credit card in the mail.
I ordered a burger at McDonald's and the kid behind the counter asked, "Can you afford fries with that?"
CEO's are now playing miniature golf.
If the bank returns your check marked "Insufficient Funds," call them and ask if they meant you or them.
Hot Wheels and Matchbox stocks are trading higher than GM.
McDonald's is selling the 1/4 ouncer.
Parents in Beverly Hills fired their nannies and learned their children's names.
A truckload of Americans was caught sneaking into Mexico.
Dick Cheney took his stockbroker hunting.
Motel Six won't leave the light on anymore.
The Mafia is laying off judges.
Exxon-Mobil laid off 25 Congressmen.
Congress says they are looking into this Bernard Madoff scandal. Oh Great! The guy who made $50 billion disappear is being investigated by the people who made $1.5 trillion disappear!
And, finally...
I was so depressed last night thinking about the economy, wars, jobs, my savings, Social Security, retirement funds, etc., I called the Suicide Lifeline. I got a call center in Pakistan, and when I told them I was suicidal, they got all excited and asked if I could drive a truck.
I got a pre-declined credit card in the mail.
I ordered a burger at McDonald's and the kid behind the counter asked, "Can you afford fries with that?"
CEO's are now playing miniature golf.
If the bank returns your check marked "Insufficient Funds," call them and ask if they meant you or them.
Hot Wheels and Matchbox stocks are trading higher than GM.
McDonald's is selling the 1/4 ouncer.
Parents in Beverly Hills fired their nannies and learned their children's names.
A truckload of Americans was caught sneaking into Mexico.
Dick Cheney took his stockbroker hunting.
Motel Six won't leave the light on anymore.
The Mafia is laying off judges.
Exxon-Mobil laid off 25 Congressmen.
Congress says they are looking into this Bernard Madoff scandal. Oh Great! The guy who made $50 billion disappear is being investigated by the people who made $1.5 trillion disappear!
And, finally...
I was so depressed last night thinking about the economy, wars, jobs, my savings, Social Security, retirement funds, etc., I called the Suicide Lifeline. I got a call center in Pakistan, and when I told them I was suicidal, they got all excited and asked if I could drive a truck.
1/23/10, 12:05 AM
#124
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Join Date: January 22, 2010
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3 guys were riding in a car: a hardware technician, a systems analyst, and a programmer. The systems analyst is driving and when they come to a steep hill he finds that the brakes have failed and the car is accelerating out of control. So, the driver pumps the emergency brake, downshifts the gears, and rubs the wheels' rims against the curb. He finally wrestles the car to a stop. The three climb out and assess the situation. Hardware tech: "Let's try and fix it. I'll crawl under the car and take a look. " Systems analyst: "No. I think we should get someone qualified to fix it, a specialist in brakes." Programmer: "Why don't we just get back in and see if it happens again?"
1/23/10, 10:55 AM
#125
A Calgary senior citizen drove his brand new red Corvette convertible out of the dealership.
Taking off down the road, he floored it to 130 km/h, enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left.
'Amazing,' he thought as he flew down the Trans-Canada towards Banff , pushing the pedal even more. Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a Royal Canadian Mounted Police patrol car behind him, blue and red lights flashing. He floored it to 160Km/h, then 180, then 200.
Suddenly he thought, 'What am I doing? I'm too old for this,' and pulled over to await the RCMP's arrival.
Pulling in behind him, the Officer walked up to the Corvette, looked at his watch and said, 'Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes. Today is Friday. If you can give me a reason for speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go.'
The gentleman paused, then said, 'Years ago, my wife ran off with an RCMP officer. I thought you were bringing her back.'
'Have a good day, Sir,' replied the Officer.
Taking off down the road, he floored it to 130 km/h, enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left.
'Amazing,' he thought as he flew down the Trans-Canada towards Banff , pushing the pedal even more. Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a Royal Canadian Mounted Police patrol car behind him, blue and red lights flashing. He floored it to 160Km/h, then 180, then 200.
Suddenly he thought, 'What am I doing? I'm too old for this,' and pulled over to await the RCMP's arrival.
Pulling in behind him, the Officer walked up to the Corvette, looked at his watch and said, 'Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes. Today is Friday. If you can give me a reason for speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go.'
The gentleman paused, then said, 'Years ago, my wife ran off with an RCMP officer. I thought you were bringing her back.'
'Have a good day, Sir,' replied the Officer.
2/2/10, 01:21 PM
#127
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Join Date: December 14, 2007
Location: State of Jefferson Mountains USA
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JOKES TO OFFEND EVERYONE
JOKES TO OFFEND EVERYONE
What do you call two Mexicans playing basketball?
Juan on Juan.
What is a Yankee?
The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.
What is the difference between a Harley and a Hoover?
The position of the dirt bag.
Why is divorce so expensive?
Because it's worth it.
What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?
Doughnuts.
Why is air a lot like sex?
Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any.
What do you call a smart blonde?
A golden retriever.
What do attorneys use for birth control?
Their personalities.
What's the difference between a girlfriend and wife?
10 years and 45 lbs.
What’s the difference between a boyfriend and husband?
45 minutes.
What's the fastest way to a man's heart?
Through his chest with a sharp knife.
Why do men want to marry virgins?
They can't stand criticism.
Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking?
Because those men already have boyfriends.
What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.
Why do men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.
Why don't bunnies make noise when they have sex?
Because they have cotton *****.
What's the difference between a porcupine and BMW?
A porcupine has the ****** on the outside.
What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?
"Are you sure it's mine?"
Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex?
Mace will do that to you.
Why did OJ Simpson want to move to Alabama?
Everyone has the same DNA.
Why do drivers' education classes in Redneck schools use the car only on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays?
Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it.
Where does an Irish family go on vacation?
A different bar.
Did you hear about the Chinese couple that had a blonde baby?
They named him "Sum Ting Wong"
What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?
A speech impediment .
What's the difference between a southern zoo and a northern zoo?
A southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage along with... "a recipe".
How do you get a sweet 80-year-old lady to say the F word?
Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell *BINGO*!
What's the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern fairytale?
A northern fairytale begins "Once upon a time..."
A southern fairytale begins "Y'all ain't gonna believe this s**t...."
Don't forget to pay your taxes.......12 million illegal aliens are depending on you!
What do you call two Mexicans playing basketball?
Juan on Juan.
What is a Yankee?
The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.
What is the difference between a Harley and a Hoover?
The position of the dirt bag.
Why is divorce so expensive?
Because it's worth it.
What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?
Doughnuts.
Why is air a lot like sex?
Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any.
What do you call a smart blonde?
A golden retriever.
What do attorneys use for birth control?
Their personalities.
What's the difference between a girlfriend and wife?
10 years and 45 lbs.
What’s the difference between a boyfriend and husband?
45 minutes.
What's the fastest way to a man's heart?
Through his chest with a sharp knife.
Why do men want to marry virgins?
They can't stand criticism.
Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking?
Because those men already have boyfriends.
What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.
Why do men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.
Why don't bunnies make noise when they have sex?
Because they have cotton *****.
What's the difference between a porcupine and BMW?
A porcupine has the ****** on the outside.
What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?
"Are you sure it's mine?"
Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex?
Mace will do that to you.
Why did OJ Simpson want to move to Alabama?
Everyone has the same DNA.
Why do drivers' education classes in Redneck schools use the car only on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays?
Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it.
Where does an Irish family go on vacation?
A different bar.
Did you hear about the Chinese couple that had a blonde baby?
They named him "Sum Ting Wong"
What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?
A speech impediment .
What's the difference between a southern zoo and a northern zoo?
A southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage along with... "a recipe".
How do you get a sweet 80-year-old lady to say the F word?
Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell *BINGO*!
What's the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern fairytale?
A northern fairytale begins "Once upon a time..."
A southern fairytale begins "Y'all ain't gonna believe this s**t...."
Don't forget to pay your taxes.......12 million illegal aliens are depending on you!
2/5/10, 09:07 AM
#129
Tasca Super Boss 429 Member
A cowboy appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates.
'Have you ever done anything of particular merit?' St. Peter asked.
'Well, I can think of one thing,' the cowboy offered. 'On a trip to
the Black Hills out in South Dakota, I came upon a gang of bikers,
who were threatening a young woman.
I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen. So,
I approached the largest and most heavily tattooed biker and
smacked him in his face, kicked his bike over, ripped out his
nose ring, and threw it on the ground. I yelled, 'Now, back off!!
Or I'll kick the crap out of all of you!'
St. Peter was impressed, 'When did this happen?'
'Just a couple of minutes ago'
'Have you ever done anything of particular merit?' St. Peter asked.
'Well, I can think of one thing,' the cowboy offered. 'On a trip to
the Black Hills out in South Dakota, I came upon a gang of bikers,
who were threatening a young woman.
I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen. So,
I approached the largest and most heavily tattooed biker and
smacked him in his face, kicked his bike over, ripped out his
nose ring, and threw it on the ground. I yelled, 'Now, back off!!
Or I'll kick the crap out of all of you!'
St. Peter was impressed, 'When did this happen?'
'Just a couple of minutes ago'
2/6/10, 08:59 AM
#130
legacy Tms Member
A teacher is explaining biology to her 4th grade students. `Human beings are the only animals that stutter`, she says. A little girl raises her hand. `I had a kitty-cat who stuttered`, she volunteered.
The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become, asked the girl to describe the incident.
`Well`, she began, `I was in the back yard with my kitty and the rottweiler that lives next door got a running start and before we knew it, he jumped over the fence into our yard!
`That must`ve been scary`, said the teacher.
`It sure was`, said the little girl. `My kitty raised his back, went `Fffff, Fffff, Fffff`..And before he could say `F***`, the rottweiler ate him!!!
The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become, asked the girl to describe the incident.
`Well`, she began, `I was in the back yard with my kitty and the rottweiler that lives next door got a running start and before we knew it, he jumped over the fence into our yard!
`That must`ve been scary`, said the teacher.
`It sure was`, said the little girl. `My kitty raised his back, went `Fffff, Fffff, Fffff`..And before he could say `F***`, the rottweiler ate him!!!
2/9/10, 02:43 PM
#132
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Join Date: December 14, 2007
Location: State of Jefferson Mountains USA
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An Australian man is seeking to join the Texas State Police force.
The Sergeant doing the interview says: "Your qualifications all look good, but there is an attitude suitability test that you must take before you can be accepted."
Then, sliding a pistol across the desk, he says:
"Take this pistol and go out and shoot six illegal immigrants, six drug dealers, six Muslim extremists, and a rabbit. "
"Why the rabbit?"
"Great attitude," says the Sergeant. "When can you start?"
The Sergeant doing the interview says: "Your qualifications all look good, but there is an attitude suitability test that you must take before you can be accepted."
Then, sliding a pistol across the desk, he says:
"Take this pistol and go out and shoot six illegal immigrants, six drug dealers, six Muslim extremists, and a rabbit. "
"Why the rabbit?"
"Great attitude," says the Sergeant. "When can you start?"
2/9/10, 06:41 PM
#134
Cobra Member
Join Date: August 30, 2007
Location: Central Maryland
Posts: 1,389
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Old man goes to Doctor and asks for Viagra.
Doc asks "why?"
Cause on Friday my Girlfriend is coming over,
on Saturday my ex is coming over
and on Sunday my neighbor is coming over!
Doc says with all that activity planned, well you'll need a little help.
On Monday the doctor runs into the old man and notices he is wearing a sling.
So he asks, "What Happened to your arm?"
Oh That? ... Nobody showed!
Doc asks "why?"
Cause on Friday my Girlfriend is coming over,
on Saturday my ex is coming over
and on Sunday my neighbor is coming over!
Doc says with all that activity planned, well you'll need a little help.
On Monday the doctor runs into the old man and notices he is wearing a sling.
So he asks, "What Happened to your arm?"
Oh That? ... Nobody showed!
2/9/10, 06:59 PM
#136
Shelby GT500 Member
Join Date: April 13, 2006
Location: McAllen, Texas
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An Australian man is seeking to join the Texas State Police force.
The Sergeant doing the interview says: "Your qualifications all look good, but there is an attitude suitability test that you must take before you can be accepted."
Then, sliding a pistol across the desk, he says:
"Take this pistol and go out and shoot six illegal immigrants, six drug dealers, six Muslim extremists, and a rabbit. "
"Why the rabbit?"
"Great attitude," says the Sergeant. "When can you start?"
The Sergeant doing the interview says: "Your qualifications all look good, but there is an attitude suitability test that you must take before you can be accepted."
Then, sliding a pistol across the desk, he says:
"Take this pistol and go out and shoot six illegal immigrants, six drug dealers, six Muslim extremists, and a rabbit. "
"Why the rabbit?"
"Great attitude," says the Sergeant. "When can you start?"
and I'm from Texas
2/10/10, 09:04 AM
#138
Mach 1 Member
Join Date: February 23, 2008
Location: new castle, pa
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2/10/10, 06:01 PM
#139
Post *****
Join Date: December 14, 2007
Location: State of Jefferson Mountains USA
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Dr. Visit for a colonoscopy.....
I went into my proctologist's office
for my first rectal exam.
His new nurse, Evelyn,
took me to an examining room
And told me to get undressed and have a seat
Until the doctor could see me.
She said that he would only be a few minutes.
for my first rectal exam.
His new nurse, Evelyn,
took me to an examining room
And told me to get undressed and have a seat
Until the doctor could see me.
She said that he would only be a few minutes.
After putting on the gown that she gave me
I sat down.
While waiting I observed
that there were three items on a stand
next to the exam table:
I sat down.
While waiting I observed
that there were three items on a stand
next to the exam table:
A Tube of K-Y jelly,
a rubber glove
and a beer ...
a rubber glove
and a beer ...
When the doctor finally came in I said,
"Look Doc, I'm a little confused.
This is my first exam.
I know what the K-Y is for
and I know what the glove is for,
"Look Doc, I'm a little confused.
This is my first exam.
I know what the K-Y is for
and I know what the glove is for,
But can you tell me what the BEER is for?"
At that Doctor Paul became noticeably outraged and stormed over to the door...
He flung the door open and yelled to his nurse…
"Darn it Evelyn!!!
I said a BUTT LIGHT"
2/14/10, 09:42 AM
#140
Tasca Super Boss 429 Member
HUSBAND: I would love to see you in something long and flowing for Valentines Day.
WIFE: awww like a new dress?
HUSBAND: No, A River!!
WIFE: awww like a new dress?
HUSBAND: No, A River!!