My girlfriend works at Hooters... in the kitchen.

 

I had an ant farm once. Them fellas didn't grow ****.

 

My friend said to me "I think the weather's trippy." And I said "No man, it's not the weather that's trippy. Perhaps it is the way that we percieve it that is indeed trippy." Then I thought "man, I should have just said 'yeah'."

 

Guess what? I like Mashed Potatoes.
Dude, you have to give me time to guess!

 

I wanna get a job naming kitchen appliances, that seems easy. Refrigerator, toaster, blender... you just say what the thing does, then you add "er". Kitchen Appliance Naming Institute... "What does this thing do?" "It keeps **** fresh." "Well then that's a fresher! I'm going on break."

 

An escalator can never break: it can only become stairs. You should never see an Escalator Temporarily Out Of Order sign, just Escalator Temporarily Stairs. Sorry for the convenience.

 

You know, I'm sick of following my dreams, man. I'm just gonna ask where they're going, and hook up with them later.

(Work is exciting today!)

 

Is a hippopotamus a hippopotamus, or just a really cool Opotamus?

Wooohooo

 

I got into an argument with a girlfriend inside of a tent. That's a bad place for an argument. Cause then I tried to walk out, and slam the flap. How are you supposed to express your anger in this situation? Zip it up really quick?

 

My friend asked me if I wanted a frozen banana. I said 'No, but I want a regular banana later, so... yeah.'

 

"Do you Like Sex and Travel?"

Say one more word and I'll crash this car.... Naugahyde...

 

I went to a doctor, all he did was suck blood from my neck. Don't go see Dr. Acula.

 

It's very dangerous to wave to people you don't know because what if they don't have hands? They'll think you're cocky.

 

I saw this wino eating grapes and I was like like man, you have to wait.

 

and of course, as you read each of these, you read them in Mitch's voice. lol

 

It's only funny that way

 

Indeed! Love it when he screw's the jokes up too. See some You Tube in my future tonight! Had to watch some Jeff Dunham on there last night.

 

Hahaha

"welcome to the Mitch hedberg not-so-special Special"

 

 

"Do you want to feel how hard I can punch?"