Jokes
11/24/13, 05:34 PM
#401
2013 RR Boss 302 #2342
Join Date: March 6, 2012
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This is an old joke but some of you may not of heard this.
A guy walks into a bar and he sees a sign behind the counter that reads "If you can make my horse laugh your drinks are on me for the night". So the guy informs the bartender/owner he would like to give it a try. The owner walks him out to the stable and informs his patron that he has NEVER seen his horse laugh and he's owned him for 15 years! The patron studies the horse for awhile then walks up to him and whispers in his ear. The horse immediately rears up and starts whinnying(sp) and generally laughing like crazy. The owner is in shock and can't believe what he just saw! So they go back to the bar and the patron drinks for free. At the close of the bar the owner tells the patron I bet you a whole week of free drinks you can't make him cry! The patron replies you're on let's go see the horse again. So the both of them go back out to the stable and the patron stands in front of the horse and unzips his pants. The horse once again rears up and immediately appears to be crying. The owner now is completely stunned and bewildered. He looks at the patron in disbelief and stammers how did you make my horse laugh and then cry I've got to know? The patron responds it was easy! First I just whispered to him that my ***** was bigger than his. The owner chuckled well I can certainly understand how the horse would find that funny, but how did you then make him cry? The patron simply replied well then I showed him!!! Badabing!!!
A guy walks into a bar and he sees a sign behind the counter that reads "If you can make my horse laugh your drinks are on me for the night". So the guy informs the bartender/owner he would like to give it a try. The owner walks him out to the stable and informs his patron that he has NEVER seen his horse laugh and he's owned him for 15 years! The patron studies the horse for awhile then walks up to him and whispers in his ear. The horse immediately rears up and starts whinnying(sp) and generally laughing like crazy. The owner is in shock and can't believe what he just saw! So they go back to the bar and the patron drinks for free. At the close of the bar the owner tells the patron I bet you a whole week of free drinks you can't make him cry! The patron replies you're on let's go see the horse again. So the both of them go back out to the stable and the patron stands in front of the horse and unzips his pants. The horse once again rears up and immediately appears to be crying. The owner now is completely stunned and bewildered. He looks at the patron in disbelief and stammers how did you make my horse laugh and then cry I've got to know? The patron responds it was easy! First I just whispered to him that my ***** was bigger than his. The owner chuckled well I can certainly understand how the horse would find that funny, but how did you then make him cry? The patron simply replied well then I showed him!!! Badabing!!!
11/27/13, 08:01 AM
#404
legacy Tms Member
do you have 2 minutes to waste .. if so read on .....
So, there was this Doctor that invented a serum that once injected could make you live indefinitely.
He had, so far, been experimenting on aquatic mammals like dolphins and small whales, etc
Pretty neat stuff. It was made from the antibodies in, of all things, seagull blood.
So, the Doc is at the beach collecting traps full of the sea birds when a Lion escapes from the State zoo across the street from his lab and after prowling around for awhile decides to go to sleep right in the doorway of the lab.
So, upon returning, the doc sees the beast asleep and then considers the fact that seagull blood is fairly perishable so, waiting for the Lion to drift further into slumber land, he picks his moment and steps over sleeping beast and safely into the lab.
Where upon the State Police who were waiting for him in the lab grabbed him and arrested him and took him into central booking where he was charged with the violation of the Mann act which, of course, prohibits:
Taking Gulls across a State Lion for Immortal Porpoises.
He had, so far, been experimenting on aquatic mammals like dolphins and small whales, etc
Pretty neat stuff. It was made from the antibodies in, of all things, seagull blood.
So, the Doc is at the beach collecting traps full of the sea birds when a Lion escapes from the State zoo across the street from his lab and after prowling around for awhile decides to go to sleep right in the doorway of the lab.
So, upon returning, the doc sees the beast asleep and then considers the fact that seagull blood is fairly perishable so, waiting for the Lion to drift further into slumber land, he picks his moment and steps over sleeping beast and safely into the lab.
Where upon the State Police who were waiting for him in the lab grabbed him and arrested him and took him into central booking where he was charged with the violation of the Mann act which, of course, prohibits:
Taking Gulls across a State Lion for Immortal Porpoises.
12/30/13, 09:59 AM
#405
legacy Tms Member
Snow storm parking
On a bitterly cold winter morning a husband and wife were listening to the radio during breakfast.
They heard the announcer say, "We are going to have 8 to 10 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the even-numbered side of the street, so the snow ploughs can get through."
So the good wife went out and moved her car.
A week later while they are eating breakfast again, the radio announcer said, "We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the odd numbered side of the street, so the snow ploughs can get through."
The good wife went out and moved her car again.
The next week they are again having breakfast, when the radio announcer says, "We are expecting 12 to 14 inches of snow today. You must park....." Then the electricity went out.
The good wife was very upset, and with a worried look on her face she said, "I don't know what to do. Which side of the street do I need to park on so the snow ploughs can get through?"
Then with the love and understanding in his voice that all men who are married to blondes exhibit, the husband replied, "Why don't you just leave the car in the garage this time."
On a bitterly cold winter morning a husband and wife were listening to the radio during breakfast.
They heard the announcer say, "We are going to have 8 to 10 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the even-numbered side of the street, so the snow ploughs can get through."
So the good wife went out and moved her car.
A week later while they are eating breakfast again, the radio announcer said, "We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the odd numbered side of the street, so the snow ploughs can get through."
The good wife went out and moved her car again.
The next week they are again having breakfast, when the radio announcer says, "We are expecting 12 to 14 inches of snow today. You must park....." Then the electricity went out.
The good wife was very upset, and with a worried look on her face she said, "I don't know what to do. Which side of the street do I need to park on so the snow ploughs can get through?"
Then with the love and understanding in his voice that all men who are married to blondes exhibit, the husband replied, "Why don't you just leave the car in the garage this time."
12/30/13, 02:24 PM
#407
Super Boss Lawman Member
Snow storm parking
On a bitterly cold winter morning a husband and wife were listening to the radio during breakfast.
They heard the announcer say, "We are going to have 8 to 10 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the even-numbered side of the street, so the snow ploughs can get through."
So the good wife went out and moved her car.
A week later while they are eating breakfast again, the radio announcer said, "We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the odd numbered side of the street, so the snow ploughs can get through."
The good wife went out and moved her car again.
The next week they are again having breakfast, when the radio announcer says, "We are expecting 12 to 14 inches of snow today. You must park....." Then the electricity went out.
The good wife was very upset, and with a worried look on her face she said, "I don't know what to do. Which side of the street do I need to park on so the snow ploughs can get through?"
Then with the love and understanding in his voice that all men who are married to blondes exhibit, the husband replied, "Why don't you just leave the car in the garage this time."
On a bitterly cold winter morning a husband and wife were listening to the radio during breakfast.
They heard the announcer say, "We are going to have 8 to 10 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the even-numbered side of the street, so the snow ploughs can get through."
So the good wife went out and moved her car.
A week later while they are eating breakfast again, the radio announcer said, "We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the odd numbered side of the street, so the snow ploughs can get through."
The good wife went out and moved her car again.
The next week they are again having breakfast, when the radio announcer says, "We are expecting 12 to 14 inches of snow today. You must park....." Then the electricity went out.
The good wife was very upset, and with a worried look on her face she said, "I don't know what to do. Which side of the street do I need to park on so the snow ploughs can get through?"
Then with the love and understanding in his voice that all men who are married to blondes exhibit, the husband replied, "Why don't you just leave the car in the garage this time."
12/31/13, 06:02 PM
#408
2013 RR Boss 302 #2342
Join Date: March 6, 2012
Location: Lancaster, PA
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Last night I gradually woke up stiff as a plank in the hospital ICU.There were tubes up my nose and down my throat, and machines monitoring my every function.
I had a horrible pain in my head over my left ear, but I managed to hear the gorgeous nurse hovering over me tell me that I had been in a serious accident.
She looked at me deep and steady and I heard her slowly say "You may not feel anything from the waist down, Sir".
I managed to mumble in reply " Can I feel your ****, then?"
Now that's a positive attitude!!
I had a horrible pain in my head over my left ear, but I managed to hear the gorgeous nurse hovering over me tell me that I had been in a serious accident.
She looked at me deep and steady and I heard her slowly say "You may not feel anything from the waist down, Sir".
I managed to mumble in reply " Can I feel your ****, then?"
Now that's a positive attitude!!
1/4/14, 12:24 AM
#409
Super Boss Lawman Member
kkeepin on with the ICU theme, here's one…
A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose. A young student nurse appears and gives him a partial sponge bath. "Nurse,"' he mumbles from behind the mask, "are my ********* black?" Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet." He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, please check for me. Are my ********* black?" Concerned that he might elevate his blood pressure and heart rate from worrying about his *********, she overcomes her embarrassment and pulls back the covers. She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his ********* gently in the other. She looks very closely and says, "There's nothing wrong with them, Sir. They look fine." The man slowly pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her, and says very slowly, "Thank you very much. That was wonderful. Now listen very, very closely: Are - my - test - results - back?" GOOD NITE FOLKS!
A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose. A young student nurse appears and gives him a partial sponge bath. "Nurse,"' he mumbles from behind the mask, "are my ********* black?" Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet." He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, please check for me. Are my ********* black?" Concerned that he might elevate his blood pressure and heart rate from worrying about his *********, she overcomes her embarrassment and pulls back the covers. She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his ********* gently in the other. She looks very closely and says, "There's nothing wrong with them, Sir. They look fine." The man slowly pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her, and says very slowly, "Thank you very much. That was wonderful. Now listen very, very closely: Are - my - test - results - back?" GOOD NITE FOLKS!
1/27/14, 05:29 PM
#410
2013 RR Boss 302 #2342
Join Date: March 6, 2012
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An oldie but a goodie joke here!
Q: What's the difference between a vacuum cleaner and a Harley?
A: On a Harley the dirtbag is on the outside!!!
Q: What's the difference between a vacuum cleaner and a Harley?
A: On a Harley the dirtbag is on the outside!!!
2/28/14, 05:47 AM
#411
legacy Tms Member
A man on a flight is seated next to another man who has a dog with him. Interested to know why the dog is allowed in the passenger area of the plane, the guy asks "what’s the score"?
"I’m airline security" says the guy "and my dog is a sniffer dog to detect anything illegal onboard."
"Let me show you" he says and sends the dog off down the rows of seats. About 10 rows down the dog stops next to a guy, sits down and offers him his right paw. The guy takes it, pats the dog and the dog returns to its owner and sits beside him.
"You see that" says the owner? "That means that guy is carrying cocaine."
"Wow" says the guy "that’s amazing."
Again the owner sends the dog down amongst the passengers and after about 20 rows the dog stops next to a woman and offers her its left paw. The woman takes the dogs paw and pats it on the head. The dog returns back to its owner and sits down.
"You see that" says the owner? "That means that woman is carrying heroin."
"Wow" says the guy "that’s amazing, I’m so impressed."
Again the owner sends the dog down amongst the passengers and after about 30 rows the dog stops next to a man and barks twice. The dog returns back to its owner and squats down and does a massive sh#t.
"Wow" says the guy, I didn’t expect that. What does that mean?"
The dog owner solemnly replies " he’s found a bomb!"
"I’m airline security" says the guy "and my dog is a sniffer dog to detect anything illegal onboard."
"Let me show you" he says and sends the dog off down the rows of seats. About 10 rows down the dog stops next to a guy, sits down and offers him his right paw. The guy takes it, pats the dog and the dog returns to its owner and sits beside him.
"You see that" says the owner? "That means that guy is carrying cocaine."
"Wow" says the guy "that’s amazing."
Again the owner sends the dog down amongst the passengers and after about 20 rows the dog stops next to a woman and offers her its left paw. The woman takes the dogs paw and pats it on the head. The dog returns back to its owner and sits down.
"You see that" says the owner? "That means that woman is carrying heroin."
"Wow" says the guy "that’s amazing, I’m so impressed."
Again the owner sends the dog down amongst the passengers and after about 30 rows the dog stops next to a man and barks twice. The dog returns back to its owner and squats down and does a massive sh#t.
"Wow" says the guy, I didn’t expect that. What does that mean?"
The dog owner solemnly replies " he’s found a bomb!"
3/4/14, 04:10 PM
#412
legacy Tms Member
The Blonde Cop
A blonde woman was speeding down the road in her little red sports car and was pulled over by a woman police officer, who was also a blonde.
The blonde cop asked to see the blond driver's license. She dug through her purse and was getting progressively more agitated.
"What does it look like? she finally asked. The policewoman replied, "It's square and has your picture on it."
The driver finally found a square mirror in her purse, looked at it and handed it to the policewoman. "Here it is," she said.
The blonde officer looked at the mirror, then handed it back saying, "OK, you can go. I didn't realize you were a cop too..
A blonde woman was speeding down the road in her little red sports car and was pulled over by a woman police officer, who was also a blonde.
The blonde cop asked to see the blond driver's license. She dug through her purse and was getting progressively more agitated.
"What does it look like? she finally asked. The policewoman replied, "It's square and has your picture on it."
The driver finally found a square mirror in her purse, looked at it and handed it to the policewoman. "Here it is," she said.
The blonde officer looked at the mirror, then handed it back saying, "OK, you can go. I didn't realize you were a cop too..
3/4/14, 04:12 PM
#413
Legacy TMS Member
The Blonde Cop A blonde woman was speeding down the road in her little red sports car and was pulled over by a woman police officer, who was also a blonde. The blonde cop asked to see the blond driver's license. She dug through her purse and was getting progressively more agitated. "What does it look like? she finally asked. The policewoman replied, "It's square and has your picture on it." The driver finally found a square mirror in her purse, looked at it and handed it to the policewoman. "Here it is," she said. The blonde officer looked at the mirror, then handed it back saying, "OK, you can go. I didn't realize you were a cop too..
3/13/14, 06:46 PM
#415
Cobra Member
Barack Obama, Hillary Clinton and Joe Biden are stranded on an island with no hope of rescue. Obama finds a lantern and rubs it and a genie pops out. He tells them they can each have one wish. Without hesitating, Obama says, "I wish I was in Chicago" and he instantly disappears. Clinton quickly says, "I wish I was in New York" and she instantly disappears. Biden starts to cry and says, "Now I'm all alone. I wish my friends were back here with me."
5/21/14, 01:44 PM
#416
Post *****
Join Date: December 14, 2007
Location: State of Jefferson Mountains USA
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Where've you been hiding Willie? You're slackin!
****
LITTLE JOHNNY STRIKES AGAIN
The teacher asked the class to use the word "fascinate"
in a sentence.
Molly put up her hand and said, "My family went to my granddad's farm, and we all saw his pet sheep. It was fascinating".
The teacher said, "That was good, but I wanted you to use the word fascinate, not fascinating".
Sally raised her hand. She said, "my family went to see Rock City and I was fascinated".
The teacher said, "Well, that was good Sally, but I wanted you to use the word fascinate"
Little Johnny raised his hand. The teacher hesitated because she had been burned by little Johnny before.
She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word "fascinate" so she called on him.
Johnny said, "My aunt Carolyn has a sweater with ten buttons, but her **** are so big she can only fasten eight."
The teacher sat down and cried.
****
LITTLE JOHNNY STRIKES AGAIN
The teacher asked the class to use the word "fascinate"
in a sentence.
Molly put up her hand and said, "My family went to my granddad's farm, and we all saw his pet sheep. It was fascinating".
The teacher said, "That was good, but I wanted you to use the word fascinate, not fascinating".
Sally raised her hand. She said, "my family went to see Rock City and I was fascinated".
The teacher said, "Well, that was good Sally, but I wanted you to use the word fascinate"
Little Johnny raised his hand. The teacher hesitated because she had been burned by little Johnny before.
She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word "fascinate" so she called on him.
Johnny said, "My aunt Carolyn has a sweater with ten buttons, but her **** are so big she can only fasten eight."
The teacher sat down and cried.
5/21/14, 02:06 PM
#417
FR500 Member
Join Date: December 9, 2011
Location: Corpus Christi, TX
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Where've you been hiding Willie? You're slackin! **** LITTLE JOHNNY STRIKES AGAIN The teacher asked the class to use the word "fascinate" in a sentence. Molly put up her hand and said, "My family went to my granddad's farm, and we all saw his pet sheep. It was fascinating". The teacher said, "That was good, but I wanted you to use the word fascinate, not fascinating". Sally raised her hand. She said, "my family went to see Rock City and I was fascinated". The teacher said, "Well, that was good Sally, but I wanted you to use the word fascinate" Little Johnny raised his hand. The teacher hesitated because she had been burned by little Johnny before. She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word "fascinate" so she called on him. Johnny said, "My aunt Carolyn has a sweater with ten buttons, but her **** are so big she can only fasten eight." The teacher sat down and cried.
Oh little johnny
5/22/14, 02:34 PM
#418
Bullitt Member
Join Date: April 13, 2013
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Why do hunters make the best lovers?
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Because they go deep in the bush, shoot more than once and they eat what they shoot.
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Because they go deep in the bush, shoot more than once and they eat what they shoot.
6/7/14, 09:29 AM
#419
Last night I gradually woke up stiff as a plank in the hospital ICU.There were tubes up my nose and down my throat, and machines monitoring my every function.
I had a horrible pain in my head over my left ear, but I managed to hear the gorgeous nurse hovering over me tell me that I had been in a serious accident.
She looked at me deep and steady and I heard her slowly say "You may not feel anything from the waist down, Sir".
I managed to mumble in reply " Can I feel your ****, then?"
Now that's a positive attitude!!
I had a horrible pain in my head over my left ear, but I managed to hear the gorgeous nurse hovering over me tell me that I had been in a serious accident.
She looked at me deep and steady and I heard her slowly say "You may not feel anything from the waist down, Sir".
I managed to mumble in reply " Can I feel your ****, then?"
Now that's a positive attitude!!
6/30/14, 03:49 PM
#420
Post *****
Join Date: December 14, 2007
Location: State of Jefferson Mountains USA
Posts: 20,005
Likes: 0
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Morris Schwartz is on his deathbed, knows the end is near, and is with his nurse, his wife, his daughter and 2 sons. "So", he says to them:
"Bernie, I want you to take the Beverly Hills houses."
"Sybil, take the apartments over in Los Angeles Plaza."
"Hymie, I want you to take the offices over in City Center."
"Sarah, my dear wife, please take all the residential buildings downtown."
The nurse is just blown away by all this, and as Morris slips away, she says , "Mrs. Schwartz, your husband must have been such a hard working man to have accumulated all this property".
Sarah replies, "Property? ... it's his paper route!"
"Bernie, I want you to take the Beverly Hills houses."
"Sybil, take the apartments over in Los Angeles Plaza."
"Hymie, I want you to take the offices over in City Center."
"Sarah, my dear wife, please take all the residential buildings downtown."
The nurse is just blown away by all this, and as Morris slips away, she says , "Mrs. Schwartz, your husband must have been such a hard working man to have accumulated all this property".
Sarah replies, "Property? ... it's his paper route!"