Jokes
7/9/12, 09:58 AM
#304
Higgs boson walks into a Roman Catholic church.
Usher asks him "what are you doing here?"
Higgs boson replies "you can't have mass without me"
Usher asks him "what are you doing here?"
Higgs boson replies "you can't have mass without me"
7/9/12, 12:04 PM
#305
9/29/12, 09:08 AM
#307
Tasca Super Boss 429 Member
Deep In the back woods, a hillbilly's wife went into labor in the middle of the night, and the doctor was called out to assist in the delivery. Since there was no electricity, the doctor handed the father-to-be a lantern and said, "Here. You hold this high so I can see what I am doing." Soon, a baby boy was brought into the world.
Whoa there, said the doctor, "Don't be in such a rush to put that lantern down. I think there's another one coming." Sure enough, within minutes he had delivered a baby girl.
"Hold that lantern up, don't set it down there's another one!" said the doctor.
Within a few minutes he had delivered a third baby.
"No, don't be in a hurry to put down that lantern, it seems there's yet another one coming!" cried the doctor.
The redneck scratched his head in bewilderment, and asked the doctor, "You reckon it might be the light that's attractin' 'em?
Whoa there, said the doctor, "Don't be in such a rush to put that lantern down. I think there's another one coming." Sure enough, within minutes he had delivered a baby girl.
"Hold that lantern up, don't set it down there's another one!" said the doctor.
Within a few minutes he had delivered a third baby.
"No, don't be in a hurry to put down that lantern, it seems there's yet another one coming!" cried the doctor.
The redneck scratched his head in bewilderment, and asked the doctor, "You reckon it might be the light that's attractin' 'em?
9/30/12, 01:33 PM
#308
Tasca Super Boss 429 Member
Thought you might want to consider getting on board early. A Brittish engineer just started his own business in Afganistain. He's making land mines that look like prayer mats. It's doing well. He says prophets are going though the roof!
9/30/12, 01:57 PM
#309
Originally Posted by denlem
Thought you might want to consider getting on board early. A Brittish engineer just started his own business in Afganistain. He's making land mines that look like prayer mats. It's doing well. He says prophets are going though the roof!
:boom:
10/2/12, 12:03 AM
#314
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Originally Posted by myponyandme
This one's silly
What sound does a water truck and vinegar truck make when they collide?!?
Douche!!
Yes, I hang out with retards
What sound does a water truck and vinegar truck make when they collide?!?
Douche!!
Yes, I hang out with retards
10/2/12, 06:05 AM
#315
Originally Posted by myponyandme
This one's silly
What sound does a water truck and vinegar truck make when they collide?!?
Douche!!
Yes, I hang out with retards
What sound does a water truck and vinegar truck make when they collide?!?
Douche!!
Yes, I hang out with retards
10/7/12, 09:04 PM
#316
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Join Date: February 23, 2008
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A young shapely lady was about to board a local bus. As she went to step up on the first step, she realized her tight fitting skirt was hampering her from raising her leg high enough to reach the step.
Smiling sheepishly at the bus driver she reached behind her to lower the zipper to allow room for her leg.
After a second failed attempt at the step, she grinned and reached behind herself to lower the zipper a bit more....
After another failed attempt at reaching the step, she chuckled and lowered it a bit more....
About this time, a tall Texan gentleman simply reached down, grabbed the lady by the waist and placed her on the first step.
The lady went balistic, "How dare you even touch my body! You don't even know me!
The Texan answered in a drawl, "You know miss, under normal circumstances I would agree with you, but seeings you pulled down my zipper 3 times, I figured we was friends!"
Smiling sheepishly at the bus driver she reached behind her to lower the zipper to allow room for her leg.
After a second failed attempt at the step, she grinned and reached behind herself to lower the zipper a bit more....
After another failed attempt at reaching the step, she chuckled and lowered it a bit more....
About this time, a tall Texan gentleman simply reached down, grabbed the lady by the waist and placed her on the first step.
The lady went balistic, "How dare you even touch my body! You don't even know me!
The Texan answered in a drawl, "You know miss, under normal circumstances I would agree with you, but seeings you pulled down my zipper 3 times, I figured we was friends!"
12/30/12, 02:39 PM
#318
Tasca Super Boss 429 Member
A woman and a man are involved in a car accident; it's a bad one. Both of their cars are totally demolished but amazingly neither of them are hurt.
After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says, "So you're a man; that's interesting. I'm a woman. Wow, just look at our cars! There's nothing left, but fortunately we are unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the rest of our days."
Flattered, the man replied, "Oh yes, I agree with you completely! This must be a sign from God!"
The woman continued, "And look at this, here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune."
Then she hands the bottle to the man. The man nods his head in agreement, opens it and drinks half the bottle and then hands the it back to the woman. The woman takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the man.
The man asks, "Aren't you having any?"
The woman replies, "No. I think I'll just wait for the police."
After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says, "So you're a man; that's interesting. I'm a woman. Wow, just look at our cars! There's nothing left, but fortunately we are unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the rest of our days."
Flattered, the man replied, "Oh yes, I agree with you completely! This must be a sign from God!"
The woman continued, "And look at this, here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune."
Then she hands the bottle to the man. The man nods his head in agreement, opens it and drinks half the bottle and then hands the it back to the woman. The woman takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the man.
The man asks, "Aren't you having any?"
The woman replies, "No. I think I'll just wait for the police."
12/30/12, 06:50 PM
#319
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Why did the cookie go to the Drs?
It felt crumby!
(You can tell I have young kids)
It felt crumby!
(You can tell I have young kids)
12/31/12, 12:20 AM
#320
Legacy TMS Member
A woman and a man are involved in a car accident; it's a bad one. Both of their cars are totally demolished but amazingly neither of them are hurt.
After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says, "So you're a man; that's interesting. I'm a woman. Wow, just look at our cars! There's nothing left, but fortunately we are unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the rest of our days."
Flattered, the man replied, "Oh yes, I agree with you completely! This must be a sign from God!"
The woman continued, "And look at this, here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune."
Then she hands the bottle to the man. The man nods his head in agreement, opens it and drinks half the bottle and then hands the it back to the woman. The woman takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the man.
The man asks, "Aren't you having any?"
The woman replies, "No. I think I'll just wait for the police."
After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says, "So you're a man; that's interesting. I'm a woman. Wow, just look at our cars! There's nothing left, but fortunately we are unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the rest of our days."
Flattered, the man replied, "Oh yes, I agree with you completely! This must be a sign from God!"
The woman continued, "And look at this, here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune."
Then she hands the bottle to the man. The man nods his head in agreement, opens it and drinks half the bottle and then hands the it back to the woman. The woman takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the man.
The man asks, "Aren't you having any?"
The woman replies, "No. I think I'll just wait for the police."
Ugh this just made me angry
stupid women!! 