denlem

Fred and Larry got married in California .

They couldn't afford a honeymoon so, they go back to Fred's Mom and Dad's house for their first married night together.

In the morning, Johnny, Fred's little brother, gets up and has his breakfast.

As he is going out of the door to go to school, he asks his mom if Fred and Larry are up yet.

She replies, 'No'.

Johnny asks, 'Do you know what I think?'
His mom replies, 'I don't want to hear what you think! Just go to school.'

Johnny comes home for lunch and asks his mom, 'Are Fred and Larry up yet?'

She replies, 'No.'

Johnny says, 'Do you know what I think?'

His mom replies, 'Never mind what you think! Eat your lunch and go back to school '

After school, Johnny comes home and asks again, 'Are Fred and Larry up yet?'

His mom says, 'No.'

He asks, 'Do you know what I think?'

His mom replies, 'OK, now tell me what you think.'

He says: 'Last night Fred came to my room for the Vaseline and I think...... I gave him my airplane glue.'

cdynaco

A 54 year old woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital.

While on the operating table she had a near death experience. Seeing God she asked "Is my time up?"

God said, "No, you have another 43 years, 2 months and 8 days to live."

Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a
face-lift, liposuction, breast implants and a tummy tuck. She even had
someone come in and change her hair color and brighten her teeth! Since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as well make the most of it.

After her last operation, she was released from the hospital. While crossing
the street on her way home, she was killed by an ambulance.

Arriving in front of God, she demanded, "I thought you said I had
another 43 years? Why didn't you pull me from out of the path of the
ambulance?"

God replied:

*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*



"I didn't recognize you."

cdynaco

IT TOOK A VERY BRAVE MAN TO WRITE THIS


A son asked his mother the following question: 'Mom, why are wedding dresses white?'



The mother looks at her son and replies: 'Son, this shows your friends and relatives that your bride is pure.'

The son thanks his Mom and goes off to double-check this with his father.

'Dad why are wedding dresses white?'

The father looks at his son in surprise and says:

'Son, all household appliances come in white..'

denlem

AMAZING SIMPLE HOME REMEDIES:

1. AVOID CUTTING YOURSELF WHEN SLICING VEGETABLES BY GETTING SOMEONE ELSE TO HOLD THE VEGETABLES WHILE YOU CHOP.

2. AVOID ARGUMENTS WITH THE FEMALES ABOUT LIFTING THE TOILET SEAT BY USING THE SINK.

3. FOR HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE SUFFERERS ~ SIMPLY CUT YOURSELF AND BLEED FOR A FEW MINUTES, THUS REDUCING THE PRESSURE ON YOUR VEINS. REMEMBER TO USE A TIMER.

4. A MOUSE TRAP PLACED ON TOP OF YOUR ALARM CLOCK WILL PREVENT YOU FROM ROLLING OVER AND GOING BACK TO SLEEP AFTER YOU HIT THE SNOOZE BUTTON.

5. IF YOU HAVE A BAD COUGH, TAKE A LARGE DOSE OF LAXATIVES. THEN YOU'LL BE AFRAID TO COUGH.

6. YOU ONLY NEED TWO TOOLS IN LIFE - WD-40 AND DUCT TAPE. IF IT DOESN'T MOVE AND SHOULD, USE THE WD-40. IF IT SHOULDN'T MOVE AND DOES, USE THE DUCT TAPE.

7. IF YOU CAN'T FIX IT WITH A HAMMER, YOU'VE GOT AN ELECTRICAL PROBLEM.

DAILY THOUGHT:

SOME PEOPLE ARE LIKE SLINKIES - NOT REALLY GOOD FOR ANYTHING BUT THEY BRING A SMILE TO YOUR FACE WHEN PUSHED DOWN THE STAIRS.

BoogieNights

What other forums are saying.............
Bentley Forums - - - I used the ash tray today. How do I replace it?

Camaro/Firebird Forums - - - My girl slept with my brother and my wife.
How can I kill 'em? (btw, I have a record and I ain't going back.)

Mustang Forums - - - Some punk kid in a Civic tried to race me.

Civic Forums - - - Some punk kid in a Mustang tried to race me.

Yugo Forum (Yugos only rate one Forum) - - - When's the last time yours ran?

Lamborghini Forums - - - Annoying wind noise around 210MPH...

Miata Forums - - - Some jackass in a Yukon just ran over my car. (pics)

GMC Yukon Forums - - - Miata stuck in my undercarriage. How do I safely
remove it? (pics)

BMW 7-series Forums - - - Where do I go to get my Rolex serviced?

Cadillac Forums - - - Problems parallel parking at bingo.

Ford Excursion Forums - - - Is the price of gas going down anytime soon? I'm
thinking about buying an oilwell.

Buick Forums - - - Which is better? Medicare or Medicaid?

Crown Victoria Forums - - - How come people never drive faster than 55
on the
highway?

Honda Accord Forums - - - Mom is giving me the car. Looking for some cheap,
used 18 inch wheels.

Toyota Echo Forums - - - Do our cars use Double A's or Triple A's?

Ferrari Forums - - - Need suggestions about a business trip to Colombia.
Want to get in and out fast.

Saturn Forums - - - Cigarette landed on my fender. Fender melted and need to
replace.

Mini Forums - - - Just flipped the Cooper after watching The Italian
Job. Suing the movie company. (pics)

Dodge Viper Forums - - - I floored-it on the way home from work
yesterday. How to get pee stains out of the leather?

McLaren F1 Forums - - - Some punk in a jet tried to race me.

Dodge Minivan Forums - - - Where's the best place to post the soccer
schedule so I don't forget where I'm supposed to be?

Hummer Forums - - - Had a fender bender today. 24 hurt, 10 killed. Do I have
to get the touch-up paint from the Dealer? He's 25 miles away. That's $35 in
gas.

Fiat Forum - - - Hello? Hello? Am I the only one here? (Might be
combined with Yugo Forum in the future).

fiero forum : check out my new fire suit (pics)

Subaru WRX Forums - - - Got ticketed for drifting in the Walmart parking
lot.

SRT Forums - - - "Will this void my warranty"

GNX Forums - - - Transmission Groupbuy full! Stop PM'ing me!!!

NSX Forums - - - Head to big to fit in car, should have bought a Targa.

Z06 Forums - - - Why did I pay $50k for something with a Cavalier
steering wheel?

Mopar Forums - - - Help! I've replaced everything and it still won't start!

Circle Track Mini Stock Racer's Forums - - - Those darn Formula
Continental and Sports Racers have used up all of the 2.0 Ford Pinto engines!

Formula and Sports Racer's Forums - - - Those darn Mini-Stock racers
have used up all of the 2.0 Ford Pinto engines!

Silver Crown Forums - - - Do you suppose we can race at Indy with the
new car?

Indy Forums - - - Do you suppose Tony will allow front engine open-wheel
cars at Indy?

Corvette Forum: I don't know... you'll have to ask my mechanic.

RX-7 Forums: I blew the Apex Seals in my engine....again

Aston Martin forum - My battery died whilst being delivered to my house from the showroom. How do I get in?

Escalade Forums: Where do I find a platinum grill encrusted with diamonds, FOR MY MOUTH????

Tri-5 Chevy Forums: Someone customized a 57 Chevy with non-chevy parts instead of restoring it,,,,,should we KILL HIM????

Vintage Vette Forums: I have a 1969 windshield wiper motor for sale, $50,000 obo. (buyer must arrange shipping).

Late 70's / early 80's Trans Am Forums: My girl has been spending too much time at the METH DEALER'S TRAILER, what should I do?

Chevy HHR forum- "man....I trashed a PT Cruiser getting on the freeway"

PT Cruiser Forum- "I let a Chevy HHR go by me on an onramp...I
wasn't even on the gas"

Florida Cadillac/Lincoln Forum: How do I keep the left turn signal from self-cancelling??

Buick Forum: Fedora, or Derby??

Studebaker Forum: You will NOT believe where I found rust today!?!?!

BMW M/C Forum: I have to remove HOW MUCH plastic to change my oil?!?!?!

Ducati Bevel drive Forum: Shims more shims howmany shimswhereohmygodmoreshims blublublub

Citroën 2CV Forum: If I get asked ONE MORE TIME if it's a kit car, I'm gonna....

GottaHaveIt

That's funny Dirk some may disagree but I see a lot of Merritt in it.

cdynaco

I loved the Crown Vic one... What MORON buys a Crown Vic if he ain't a cop??? LOL

I drive for hours analyzing that nut in my mirror!

cdynaco

An Italian, a Scotsman and a Chinese man, are hired at a Construction site.

The foreman points out a huge pile of sand.

He says to the Italian guy, 'You're in charge of sweeping.'

To the Scotsman he says, 'You're in charge of shoveling.'

And to the Chinese guy, 'You're in charge of supplies.'

He then says, 'Now, I have to leave for a little while. I expect you men to make a dent in that pile of sand.'

So when the foreman returns after being away for a couple of hours the pile of sand is untouched.

He asks the Italian, 'Why didn't you sweep any of it?'

The Italian replies, 'I no hava no broom. You saida to the Chinesea fella that he a wasa ina charge of supplies, but he hasa disappeared and I no coulda finda him nowhere.'

Then the foreman turns to the Scotsman and says 'And you, I thought I told you to shovel this pile.'

The Scotsman replies, 'Aye, that ye did laddie, boot ah could nae get meself a shoovel. Ye left th' Chinese gadgie in chairge of supplies, boot ah couldna fin' him neither.'

The foreman is really angry now.. He storms off toward the pile of sand to look for the Chinese gent.

Just then, the Chinese man leaps out from behind the pile of sand and yells, 'SUPPLIES!!!!'

cdynaco

A woman from Los Angeles, CA who was a tree hugger, a democrat, and an anti-hunter, purchased a piece of timberland, near Colville, WA.

There was a large tree on one of the highest points in the tract. She wanted a good view of the natural splendor of her land so she started to climb the big tree. As she neared the top she encountered a spotted owl that attacked her. In her haste to escape, the woman slid down the tree to the ground and got many splinters in her crotch.

In considerable pain, she hurried to Mt. Carmel ER to see a doctor. She told him she was an environmentalist, a democrat, and an anti-hunter and how she came to get all the splinters. The doctor listened to her story with great patience and then told her to go wait in the examining room and he would see if he could help her. She sat and waited three hours before the doctor reappeared.

The angry woman demanded, what took you so long?

He smiled and then told her, "Well, I had to get permits from the Environmental Protection Agency, the Forest Service, and the Bureau of Land Management before I could remove old-growth timber from a recreational area. I'm sorry, but they turned me down."

SynisterGT

A guys sitting in a bar. The bartender says I give anyone $50 if you can make my donkey laugh.

The guy goes outside and comes back in, the donkeys on the floor laughing.

A week later the guys sitting at the bar and the bartender says I'll give anyone $50 if you can make my donkey cry.

The guy goes outside and comes back in with the donkey crying, takes his money and gets up.

The bartender asks what did you do.

I first showed him my ****, then I showed him his.

nil45

Hahaha....Oh such good jokes.I loved reading them.You guys really have some good collections.i would love to read some more.

mustangmaniak2010

As an airplane is about to crash, a female passenger jumps up frantically and announces, "If I'm going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman."

She removes all her clothing and asks, "Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?"

A man stands up, removes his shirt and says, "Here, iron this!".

OK, HERE ARE SOME DIRTY ONES! BEWARE!!!!

A man and a woman started to have sex in the middle of a dark forest. After about 15 minutes of it, the man finally gets up and says, "****, I wish I had a flashlight!". The woman says, "Me too, you've been eating grass for the past ten minutes!"

A guy walks into a sperm donor bank wearing a ski mask and holding a gun. He goes up to the nurse and demands her to open the sperm bank vault. She says "But sir, its just a sperm bank!", "I don't care, open it now!!!" he replies. So she opens the door to the vault and inside are all the sperm samples. The guy says "Take one of those sperm samples and drink it!", she looks at him "BUT, they are sperm samples???" , "DO IT!". So the nurse sucks it back. "That one there, drink that one as well.", so the nurse drinks that one as well. Finally after 4 samples the man takes off his ski mask and says, "See honey - its not that hard."

The Queen was showing the Archbishop of Canterbury around the royal stable, when one of the stallions close by farted so loudly it couldn't be ignored. "Oh dear," said the Queen, "How embarrassing. I'm frightfully sorry about that." "It's quite understandable," said the Archbishop, and after a moment, added, "as a matter of fact I thought it was the horse."

cdynaco

cdynaco

Odd: Unicorn meat stealing pork slogan


PORTLAND, Ore. (AP) - It's official: The National Pork Board says it knows unicorns don't exist.
The industry group says it was only protecting its trademark when it issued cease-and-desist warning to online retailer ThinkGeek for calling a fake unicorn meat product "the new white meat."

The fictional canned meat, described as an "excellent source of sparkles," was an April Fool's prank.
But the 12-page letter from the board's law firm was no joke.
"We certainly offered our apologies," Scott Kauffman, President and CEO of Geeknet Inc., the parent company of ThinkGeek, told the Associated Press. "It was not our intention to confuse the public as to the attributes and qualities of the two meats."
In a public apology this week, ThinkGeek said its nonexistent canned unicorn meat is sparkly, a bit red and not approved by any government entity.
"We certainly understand that unicorns don't exist," said Ceci Snyder, vice president of marketing for the National Pork Board. "Yes, it's funny. But if you don't respond, you are opening your trademark up to challenges."
The council said it is in discussions with the company.
"Where we feel victimized, is I don't know of another organization that does more to promote pork products than our site," Kauffman said, noting the company sells around 20 real items related to bacon, such as bacon gumballs and bacon soap.
ThinkGeek "launches" mock products every April Fool's day. The company said it was surprised the board did not raise any concerns about another prank item this year called "My First Bacon" - a talking stuffed toy that looked like a piece of bacon.
"To be attacked in this manner, given all we do for pork, the irony is not lost on us," he said.

smithdsouza

1. We should have known the patient was going to be mean and ornery, he had different colored eyes; two of them were blue.
2. The patient started to settle down after he had been in the hospital for a week, we know because he finally starting waiving at the nurses with all five fingers.
3. The doctor put Sally on a diet, she's trying to get down to her original weight of six pounds and seven ounces.
4. You know you've had a tough day at work when you get home and try to open the front door of your home with your car clicker.
5. The stress level has gotten out of hand when you find yourself at lunchtime standing in front of the microwave yelling, "Hurry!"

HOSS429

A couple, both age 76, went to a sex therapist's office. The doctor asked, "What can I do for you?"

The man said, "Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?" The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed.

When the couple finished, the doctor said, "There's nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse," and charged them $50. This happened several weeks in a row. The couple would make an appointment, have intercourse with no problems, pay the doctor, then leave.

Finally, the doctor asked, "Just exactly what are you trying to find out?"

The old man said, "We're not trying to find out anything. She's married and we can't go to her house, I'm married and we can't go to my house. The Holiday Inn charges $90; the Hilton charges $108. We do it here for $50 and I get $43 back from Medicare

denlem

It's national tell an old joke day...


Why did the banana go to the hosiptal?

It wasn't peeling well!

Rather B.Blown

http://www.sadtrombone.com/

cdynaco

The economy is so bad that:

I got a pre-declined credit card in the mail.

African television stations are now showing 'Sponsor an American Child' commercials!

I ordered a burger at McDonald's and the kid behind the counter asked, "Can you afford fries with that?"

CEO's are now playing miniature golf.

Exxon-Mobil laid off 25 Congressmen.

My ATM gave me an IOU!

A stripper was killed when her audience showered her with rolls of pennies while she danced.

I saw a Mormon polygamist with only one wife.

I bought a toaster oven and my free gift with purchase was a bank.

If the bank returns your check marked "Insufficient Funds," you call them and ask if they meant you or them.

McDonald' s is selling the 1/4 ouncer.

Angelina Jolie adopted a child from America.

Parents in Beverly Hills fired their nannies and learned their childrens names.

My cousin had an exorcism but couldn't afford to pay for it, and they re-possessed her!

A truckload of Americans was caught sneaking into Mexico .

Motel Six won't leave the light on anymore.

A picture is now only worth 200 words.

They renamed Wall Street "Wal-Mart Street ."

The Treasure Island casino in Las Vegas is now managed by Somali pirates.

Congress says they are looking into this Bernard Madoff scandal. Oh Great!! The guy who made $50 Billion disappear is being investigated by the people who made $1.5 Trillion disappear.

cdynaco