25 Things That MAke You Feel Like A Man
1. OPENING JARS - nnng, she's struggling. You take it from her hands, open
it effortlessly and pretend she loosened it for you. She didn't. Jars are
men's work.

2. CALLING SOMEONE 'SON' - Especially policeman but even saying it to kids
makes you the man.

3. DOING A PROPER SLIDE TACKLE - Beckham free kicks? Gay. A Stuart Pearce
tackle is the pinnacle of the game, simultaneously winning the ball and
crippling the man. Magic.

4. SHARPENING A PENCIL WITH A STANLEY KNIFE - Blunt, is it? Hand it here
love. No, I don't need a sharpener, you think I can't whittle?!

5. GOING TO THE TIP - A manly act which combines driving, lifting and (as
you thrillingly drop your rubbish into another huge pile of other rubbish)
noisy destruction.

6. DRINKING UP - Specifically, rising from the table, slinging your coat on
and downing two thirds of a pint in one fluid movement. Then nodding towards
the door, saying, "Let's go" and striding out while everyone else struggles
to catch up with you. God, you're hard.

7. HAVING A THIN BIT OF WOOD - in the shed, solely to stir paint with.

8. HAVING A SCAR - Ideally it'll be a facial knife wound, but even an iron
burn on the wrist is good. "Ooh, did it hurt". "Nah".

9. HAVING A HANGOVER AND THICK STUBBLE - When birds have been partying they
just whinge. You, on the other hand have physical evidence of your hardness,
sprouting from your face. "Big night?" Grr, what does it look like.

10. NODDING AT COPPERS - A moments eye contact is all it takes for you to
share the unspoken bond. "We've not seen eye to eye in the

past", it says, "but someone's got to keep the little ******* in line".

11. USING POWER TOOLS - slightly more powerful than you need or can safely
handle. One Handed with a pencil on the ear? Superb.

12. KICKING A FOOTY AGAINST A GARAGE DOOR - Clang-g-g-g-g-g-! Stitch that
becks, I kick so hard I set off car alarms.

13. ARRIVING IN A PUB LATE... and everyone cheers you. It doesn't mean
you're popular, it just means your mates are pissed. However, the rest of
the pub doesn't know that.

14. NOT WATCHING YOUR WEIGHT - fat is a feminist issue, apparently.
Brilliant. Pass the pork scratching.

15. CARVING THE ROAST - and saying "are you a leg or breast man" to the
blokes and "do you want stuffing" to the women. Congratulations, you are now
your dad.

16. WINKING - turns women to putty. Doesn't it?

17. TEST SWINGING HAMMERS - ideally, B&Q would have little changing rooms
with mirrors so you could see how rugged you look with any DIY item. Until
then, we'll make do with the aisles.

18 TAKING OUT £500 FROM A CASHPOINT - okay, so its for paying the plumber
(or a 'quiet one' with John Sams) but with that much cash you feel like a
mafia don. The only thing better is peeling notes off the roll later.

19 PHONE CALLS THAT LAST LESS THAN A MINUTE - unlike birds, we get straight
to the point. "alright? Yep. Drink? Red lion? George, it is then. Seven. See
ya."

20. PARALLEL PARKING - bosh, straight in. first time.

21. HAVING EARNED THAT PINT - Since the dawn of time, men have toiled in the
fields in blistering heat. Why? So, when it's over we can stand there in
silence, surveying our work with one hand resting on the beer gut while the
other nurses a foaming jug of ale. Aaaah.

22. HAVING SOMETHING PROPERLY WRONG WITH YOU - especially if you didn't make
a fuss. "Why was I off, nothing much, just a brain
haemorrhage".

23. KNOWING WHICH SCREWDRIVER IS WHICH - "a Phillips? For that? Are you mad,
bint?"

24. TAKING A NEWSPAPER INTO THE LOO - a visual code that says "That's right,
i'm going in there for a huge, long man-sized dump".


25. CALLING YOUR MATE A C**T - and punching him on the shoulder. Just a
man's way of saying "you're a good mate; I missed you while you were in
hospital".

 

Its Good To Be A Woman

We got off the Titanic first.
We can scare male bosses with mysterious gynecological disorder excuses.
Taxis stop for us.
We don't look like a frog in a blender when dancing.
No fashion faux pas we make could ever rival The Speedo.
We don't have to pass gas to amuse ourselves.
If we forget to shave, no one has to know.
We can congratulate our teammate without ever touching her rear.
We never have to reach down every so often to make sure our privates are still there.
We have the ability to dress ourselves.
We can talk to people of the opposite sex without having to picture them naked.
If we marry someone 20 years younger, we're aware that we look like an idiot.
There are times when chocolate really can solve all your problems.
We'll never regret piercing our ears.
We can fully assess a person just by looking at their shoes.
We can make comments about how silly men are in their presence, because they aren't listening anyway

 

Touche!

 

April, don't forget to add that its a legitimate defense in most states to kill someone while on PMS.

All women are my friends!

 

A Woman's Testimony

> FIRST TESTIMONY: I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three
kids in tow and asked loudly, "How much do you charge for a shampoo and
a blow job?" I turned around and walked back out and never went back. My
husband didn't say a word...he knew better.
>
> SECOND TESTIMONY:
>
> I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf *****. I was
unhappy with the women's type I had been using. After browsing for
several minutes, I was approached by one of the good-looking gentlemen
who works at the store. He asked if he could help me. Without thinking,
I looked at him and said, "I think I like playing with men's *****."
>
> THIRD TESTIMONY:
>
> My sister and I were at the mall and passed by a store that sold a
variety of candy and nuts. As we were looking at the display case, the
boy behind the counter asked if we needed any help. I replied, "No, I'm
just looking at your nuts." My sister started to laugh hysterically, The
boy grinned, and I turned beet-red and walked away. To this day, my
Sister has never let me forget.
>
> FOURTH TESTIMONY:
>
> While in line at the bank one afternoon, my toddler decided to release
some pent-up energy and ran amok. I was finally able to grab hold of her
after receiving looks of disgust and annoyance from other patrons I told
her that if she did not start behaving "right now" she would be
punished. To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a voice
just as threatening, "If you don't let me go right now, I will tell
Grandma that I saw you kissing Daddy's pee-pee last night!" The silence
was deafening after this enlightening exchange. Even the tellers stopped
what they were doing. I mustered up the last of my dignity and walked
out of the bank with my daughter in tow. The last thing I heard when the
door closed behind me, were screams of laughter.
>
> FIFTH TESTIMONY:
>
> Have you ever asked your child a question too many times? My
three-year-old son had a lot of problems with potty training and I was
on him constantly. One day we stopped at Taco Bell for a quick lunch in
between errands. It was very busy, with a full dining room. While
enjoying my taco, I smelled something funny, so of course I checked my
seven-month-old daughter, and she was clean. Then I realized that Danny
had not asked to go potty in a while, so I asked him if he needed to go,
and he said "No". I kept thinking, "Oh Lord, that child has had an
accident, and I don't have any clothes with me." Then I said, "Danny,
are you SURE you didn't have an accident?" "No," he replied. I just KNEW
that he must have had an accident, because the smell was getting worse.
Soooooo, I asked one more time, "Danny, did you have an accident?" This
time he jumped up, yanked down his pants, bent over and spread his
cheeks and yelled, "SEE MOM, IT'S JUST FARTS!!" While 30 people nearly
choked to death on their tacos laughing, he calmly pulled up his pants
and sat down. An old couple made me feel better by thanking me for the
best laugh they'd ever had!
>
> LAST TESTIMONY:
>
> This had most of the state of Michigan laughing for 2 days and a very
embarrassed female news anchor who will, in the future, likely think
before she speaks. What happens when you predict snow but don't get
any....(a true story...) We had a female news anchor who, the day after
it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and
asked: "So Bob, where's that 8 inches you promised me last night?" Not
only did He have to leave the set, but half the crew did too they were
laughing so hard!

 

 

 

Funny stuff, and I really needed a laugh today. Thanks.

 

 

James, love the Brit lingo. cheers! stupid bints...

 

The Differences
NICKNAMES:
If Emma, Suzanne, Debra and Michelle go out for lunch, they will call each other Emma, Suzanne, Debra and Michelle. But if Mike, Phil, Rob and Jack go out for a beer, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla, Peanut-Head and Useless.

EATING OUT:
When the bill arrives, Mike, Phil, Rob and Jack will each throw in $20, even though it's only for $22.50. None of them will have anything smaller, and none will actually admit they want changeback. When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.

MONEY:
A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he wants.
A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't want.

BATHROOMS:
A man has six items in his bathroom - a toothbrush, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel from the Holiday Inn.
The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 437. A man would not be able to identify most of these items.

ARGUMENTS:
A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

CATS:
Women love cats.
Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats.

FUTURE:
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

SUCCESS:
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

MARRIAGE:
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change and she does.

DRESSING UP:
A woman will dress up to: go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, get the mail.
A man will dress up for weddings, funerals.

NATURAL:
Men wake up as good-looking as when they went to bed.
Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

OFFSPRING:
Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends and favorite foods and secret fears and hopes and dreams.
A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

 

 

thats gooood

 

Call me crazy but what has this got to do with mustangs?

 

Um nothing?

This is the OFF TOPIC forum

 

Like April Said...........

Anyway, another one!!

Battle of the Sexes


How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened by the time she brings it.


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Why is a Laundrette a really bad place to pick up a woman?

Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will
probably never be able to support you.


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Why do women have smaller feet than men?

It's one of those "evolutionary things" that allows them to stand
closer to the kitchen sink.


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How do you know when a woman is about to say
something smart?
When she starts her sentence with "A man once told me..."


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How do you fix a woman's watch?
You don't. There is a clock on the oven.


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Why do men break wind more than women?

Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the required
pressure.


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If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling
at the front door, who do you let in first?

The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.


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What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
A woman who won't do what she's told.


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I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was
Always.


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Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex
drive by 90%. It's called a Wedding Cake.


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Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the
street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.


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In the beginning, God created the earth and rested.
Then God created Man and rested.
Then God created Woman.
Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.

 

LMAO Keep it going!!!

 

What womes say and what they really mean:

Yes - No
No - Yes
Maybe - No
I'm sorry - You'll be sorry
I think we need ... - I want
Its your decision - You better do what I tell you to do
We need to talk - Now sit down and listen to me
No, I'm not mad - Of course I'm mad you idiot
Do you like me - I'm gonna ask you for something really expensive
How much do you like me - I did something that you're not gonna like
I'll be ready in a minute - Sit down, get yourself a drink, and find a good movie on tv

 

One of the newer commercials that I think is the greatest.

The woman walks into the kitchen where the husband is eating/reading. She asks; "Do you think this dress makes me look fat."

His reply: "You bet ya!"

My wife and I get a hardy laugh evey time we see that one.

 

Do you love me - I'm gonna ask you for something really expensive

God, I use that one like once a week...

Kid you not

on an average week:

Hooooooooooney....Do you love me?

B- How much is this gonna cost me?