2k7gtcs

With a battery inside

denlem

I thought it was because they can't make a fist?

Rather B.Blown

HOSS429

Two great white sharks were swimming in the ocean when they spied survivors of a sunken ship.


"Follow me son" the father shark said to the son shark and they swam to the mass of people.

"First we swim around them a few times with just the tip of our fins showing."
And they did.

"Well done, son! Now we swim around them a few times with all of our fins showing."
And they did.

"Now we eat everybody."
And they did.

When they were both gorged, the son asked, "Dad, why didn't we just eat them all at first? Why did we swim around and around them?"

His wise father replied, "Because they taste better if you scare the **** out of them first!"

phiggs54

A billionaire hedge fund manager decides he can no longer take the stress and pressure of his job and decides to ditch it all for a life of complete solitude.
So he sells everything and moves to Tibet to live with an order of monks that don't speak.
He gets there and the head monk explains to him that no one talks, they just spend all day meditating.
Each monk only speaks 2 words every 5 years and those are spoken to the head monk.
The guy agrees to this and goes off to meditate. After the first 5 years he has an audience with the head monk.
The head monk asks him what he thinks and the guy resoonds "food bad."
The monk tells him to go meditate on that and he will see him in 5 years.
After another 5 years he has his 2nd meetng with the head monk.
The monk asks him what he thinks now and the guy responds "bed hard."
The monk replies that he should meditate on that and come back in 5 years.
After 15 years of constant meditation the guy sees the head monk for the 3rd time.
The monk asks him to speak and the guy says "I quit!!"
he monk replies, "Well I can't say that I'm surprised at your decision. You've done nothing but complani the entire time you've been here."

Mustang Freak

Good ones Willie and Patrick!

Mustang Freak

Notes from an inexperienced Chili taster named Frank, who was visiting Texas from the East Coast:
Recently I was honoured to be selected as an outstanding famous celebrity in Texas, to be a judge at a Chili cook-off, because no one else wanted to do it. Also the original person called in sick at the last moment, and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking for directions to the beer wagon when the call came. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy, and besides, they told me that I could have free beer during the tasting. So I accepted.
Here are the scorecards from the event:
CHILI # 1: MIKE'S MANIC MONSTER CHILI
JUDGE ONE: A little to heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.
JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavour. Very mild.
FRANK: Holy ****, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway with this stuff. I needed two beers to put the flames out. Hope that's the worst one. Those Texans are crazy.
CHILI # 2: ARTHUR'S AFTERBURNER CHILI
JUDGE ONE: Smokey, with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang.
JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavour. Needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
FRANK: Keep this out of reach of children! I'm not sure what I am supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave of two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich manoeuvre. They had to walkie-talkie in three extra beers when they saw the look on my face.
CHILI # 3: FRED'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI
JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick. Needs more beans.
JUDGE TWO: A beanless chili. A bit salty. Good use of red peppers.
FRANK: Call the EPA, I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Barmaid pounded me on the back; now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting ****-faced.
CHILI # 4: BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC
JUDGE ONE: Black Bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods. Not much of a chili.
FRANK: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Sally, the barmaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills; that 300 lb ***** is starting to look HOT, just like this nuclear-waste I'm eating.
CHILI # 5: LINDA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER
JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
JUDGE TWO: Chili using shredded beef; could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
FRANK: My ears are ringing, and I can no linger focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly from a pitcher onto it. It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Freakin' Rednecks! ! !
CHILI # 6: VERA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY
JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spice and peppers.
JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions and garlic.
FRANK: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulphuric flames. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that **** Sally. I need to wipe my *** with a snow cone!
CHILI # 7: SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI
JUDGE ONE: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum. Tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. I should note that I am worried about Judge # 3.
FRANK: You could put a #)$^@#*&! Grenade in my mouth, pull the #)$^@#*&! pin, and I wouldn't feel a **** thing. I've lost the sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my X*$(@#^&$ mouth. My pants are full of lava-like ****, to match my X*$(@#^&$ shirt. At least the during the autopsy they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful. I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the four inch hole in my stomach.
CHILI # 8: HELEN'S MOUNT SAINT CHILI
JUDGE ONE: A perfect ending. This is a nice blend chili, safe for all; not too bold, but spicy enough to declare its existence.
JUDGE TWO: This final entry is a good balanced chili, neither mild now hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge # 3 passed out, fell and pulled the chili pot on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor Yank.
FRANK: - - - - - Mama?- - - (Editor's Note: Judge # 3 was unable to report).

Moustang

The drunk farmer walked into his bedroom with a chicken under his arm and says
"this is the pig I've been having sex with."
His wife says to him, "Your drunk, that's no pig,thats a chicken!"
the farmer says, "I was talking to the chicken!"

TripleBlack14

A young boy asks his father, "Daddy, what does a vagina look like?"

Dad replies, "Before sex or after?"

His son says, "Both".

"Well, says the father, before sex a vagina looks like the most beautiful flower with it's petals blooming".

The son asks, "And after sex?"

Dad replies, "Well, have you ever seen a bulldog eat a marshmallow?"

Mustang Freak

TripleBlack14

Grandpa has a massive stroke and is rushed to the hospital. He's put on life support.

"I'm afraid tha Grandpa is brain dead. But his heart is still beating", says the doctor.

Grandma replies, "Oh Dear....this is horrible. We've never had a liberal in the family before."

TripleBlack14

A woman who had been married three times walked into a bridal shop one day and told the sales clerk that she was looking for a wedding gown for her fourth wedding.

"Of course, madam," replied the sales clerk, "exactly what type and color dress are you looking for?"

The bride-to-be said, "A long frilly white dress with a veil."

"Please don't take this the wrong way, madam, but such dresses are usually more fitting for the first time bride who is more innocent in the ways of life, if you get my meaning."

"WELL!," replied the customer, a little peeved at the clerk's directness,

"I can assure you that a white gown would be quite appropriate. Believe it or not, despite all my marriages, I remain as innocent as a first-time bride.

You see, my first husband was so excited about our wedding, he died as we were checking into our honeymoon hotel.

My second husband and I got into such a terrible fight in the limo on our way to our honeymoon hotel that we had that wedding annulled immediately and never spoke to each other again."

"What about your third husband?"

"That one was a DEMOCRAT", said the woman, "and every night for four years, he just sat on the edge of the bed and told me how good it was going to be, but nothing ever happened."

SpectreH

A good reminder!

As we get closer to the 2016 election year, US citizens must remember that they cannot trust Hillary Clinton to create American jobs.
The last time she had a meaningful job, she outsourced it to Monica Lewinsky....

And Monica blew it.

TripleBlack14

SpectreH

Ed had worked in real estate for 40 years.

Finally sick of the stress, he quit his job and buys 50 acres of land in Alaska as far from humanity as possible.

He sees the postman once a week and gets his groceries once a month. Otherwise, it's total peace and quiet.

After six months or so of almost total isolation, someone knocks on his door.

He opens it and a huge, bearded man is standing there.

'Name's Ron, your neighbor from forty miles up the road. Having a Christmas party Friday night, thought you might like to come at about 5:00.'

'Great', says Ed, 'after six months out here I'm ready to meet some of the local folks, thank you.'

As Ron is leaving, he stops. 'Gotta warn you, be some drinking.'

'Not a problem' says Ed. 'After 40 years in the business, I can drink with the best of 'em.'

Again, the big man starts to leave and stops. 'More 'n' likely gonna be some fighting' too.'

'Well, I get along with people, I'll be all right. I'll be there. Thanks again.'

'More'n likely be some wild sex, too,'

'Now that's really not a problem' Says Ed, ‘I've been all alone for six months!’ I'll definitely be there. By the way, what should I wear?'

'Don't much matter. Just gonna be the two of us.'

Mustang Freak

On Political Correctness
Most likely not true, but funny . . .
For the last six odd years, almost all of the things I wanted to write or say, have been stymied by a recently coined term referred to as "POLITICAL CORRECTNESS�!

Although I consider myself rather fluent in the English language, that term was not in my vocabulary. My curiosity got the best of me and I decided to do a little research and after two weeks of chasing fruitless leads, I found what I'd been looking for at the Truman Library and Museum in Independence Missouri.

An unnamed source there sent me copies of four telegrams that were between Harry Truman and Douglas MacArthur on the day before the actual signing of the Surrender Agreement. The contents of those four telegrams below are exactly as received, not a word has been added or deleted!

(1) Tokyo,Japan
0800-September 1,1945
To: President Harry S Truman
From: General D A MacArthur

Tomorrow we meet with those yellow bellied bastards and sign the Surrender Documents, any last minute instructions?

(2) Washington, D C
1300-September 1, 1945
To: D A MacArthur
From: H S Truman

Congratulations, job well done, but you must tone down your obvious dislike of the Japanese when discussing the terms of the surrender with the press, because some of your remarks are fundamentally not politically correct!

(3) Tokyo, Japan
1630-September 1, 1945
To: H S Truman
From: D A MacArthur and C H Nimitz

Wilco Sir, but both Chester and I are somewhat confused, exactly what does the term politically correct mean?

(4) Washington, D C
2120-September 1, 1945
To: D A MacArthur/C H Nimitz
From: H S Truman
Political Correctness is a doctrine, recently fostered by a delusional, illogical minority and promoted by a sick mainstream media, which holds forth the proposition that it is entirely possible to pick up a piece of **** by the clean end!

phiggs54

The Dalai Lama is at the drive-thru at Jack in the Box.
The kid on the speaker asks him what he would like.
The Dalai Lama replies, "Make me one with everything."

Rather B.Blown

http://instantrimshot.com/index.php?...rong&play=true

tukatz

Three strangers strike up a conversation in the airport lounge in Bozeman , Montana , awaiting their flights. One is an American Indian, passing thru from Lame Deer. Another is a cowboy on his way to Billings for a livestock show. And the third is a fundamentalist Arab student from the Middle East, newly arrived at Montana State University .

Their discussion drifts to their diverse cultures. Soon, the two Westerners learn that the Arab is a devout, radical Muslim and the conversation falls into an uneasy lull.

The cowboy leans back in his chair, crosses his boots on a magazine table and tips his big sweat-stained hat forward over his face. The wind outside is blowing tumbleweeds around and the old windsock is flapping, but still no plane comes.

Finally, the American Indian clears his throat and softly speaks. “At one time here, my people were many, but sadly, now we are few."

The Muslim student raises an eyebrow and leans forward, “Once my people were few," he sneers, "and now we are many. Why do you suppose that is?"

The Montana cowboy shifts his toothpick to one side of his mouth, and from the darkness beneath his Stetson says in a drawl, “That's 'cause we ain't played Cowboys and Muslims yet, but I do believe it's a-comin'".

kcoTiger

awesome.