Jokes
#281
Like Father...
I ♥ Sausage
I ♥ Sausage
Joined: April 4, 2007
Posts: 20,302
Likes: 643
From: Just outside the middle of nowhere
I really hope nobody here gets insulted by this joke.
"A big TV station decided to do a story on the following topic "What is your personal opinion of scarcity of food in the rest of the world?" The story failed because ...
- In Africa people didn't know what the food is.
- In Eastern Europe people didn't know what personal opinion is.
- In Western Europe people didn't know what scarcity is.
- In America people didn't know what the rest of the world is."
"A big TV station decided to do a story on the following topic "What is your personal opinion of scarcity of food in the rest of the world?" The story failed because ...
- In Africa people didn't know what the food is.
- In Eastern Europe people didn't know what personal opinion is.
- In Western Europe people didn't know what scarcity is.
- In America people didn't know what the rest of the world is."
#286
A sexually active middle aged woman informed her plastic surgeon that she wanted her vaginal lips reduced in size because, over the years they have become loose and floppy.
Out of embarrassment, she insisted that the surgery be kept secret and, of course, the surgeon agreed.
Awakening from the anesthesia, she found 3 roses carefully placed beside her on the bed. Outraged, she immediately called in the surgeon.
"I thought I specifically asked you not to tell anyone about my operation"!
The surgeon told her he had carried out her wish for confidentiality and that the first rose was from him. "I felt so sad for you, because you went through this all by yourself."
"The second rose is from my nurse. She assisted me in the surgery and understood perfectly, as she had the same procedure done some time ago."
"And what about the third rose?" she asked.
"That's from a man in the burn unit - he wanted to thank you for his new ears."
Out of embarrassment, she insisted that the surgery be kept secret and, of course, the surgeon agreed.
Awakening from the anesthesia, she found 3 roses carefully placed beside her on the bed. Outraged, she immediately called in the surgeon.
"I thought I specifically asked you not to tell anyone about my operation"!
The surgeon told her he had carried out her wish for confidentiality and that the first rose was from him. "I felt so sad for you, because you went through this all by yourself."
"The second rose is from my nurse. She assisted me in the surgery and understood perfectly, as she had the same procedure done some time ago."
"And what about the third rose?" she asked.
"That's from a man in the burn unit - he wanted to thank you for his new ears."
#287
Since more and more Seniors are texting and tweeting there appears to be a need for a STC (Senior Texting Code). If you qualify for Senior Discounts this is the code for you.
Please pass this on to your children and grandchildren so they can understand your texts.
ATD: At The Doctor's
BFF: Best Friend Fainted
BTW: Bring The Wheelchair
BYOT: Bring Your Own Teeth
CBM: Covered By Medicare
CGU: Can't get up
CUATSC: See You At The Senior Center
DWI: Driving While Incontinent
FWB: Friend With Beta Blockers
FWIW: Forgot Where I Was
FYI: Found Your Insulin
GGPBL: Gotta Go Pacemaker Battery Low!
GHA: Got Heartburn Again
HGBM: Had Good Bowel Movement
IMHO: Is My Hearing-Aid On?
LMDO: Laughing My Dentures Out
LOL: Living On Lipitor
LWO: Lawrence Welk's On
OMMR: On My Massage Recliner
OMSG: Oh My! Sorry Gas.
ROFL... CGU: Rolling On The Floor Laughing... And Can't Get Up
TTYL: Talk To You Louder
WAITT: Who Am I Talking To?
WTFA: Wet The Furniture Again
WTP: Where's The Prunes?
WWNO: Walker Wheels Need Oil
GGLKI: (Gotta Go Laxative Kicking In)
Please pass this on to your children and grandchildren so they can understand your texts.
ATD: At The Doctor's
BFF: Best Friend Fainted
BTW: Bring The Wheelchair
BYOT: Bring Your Own Teeth
CBM: Covered By Medicare
CGU: Can't get up
CUATSC: See You At The Senior Center
DWI: Driving While Incontinent
FWB: Friend With Beta Blockers
FWIW: Forgot Where I Was
FYI: Found Your Insulin
GGPBL: Gotta Go Pacemaker Battery Low!
GHA: Got Heartburn Again
HGBM: Had Good Bowel Movement
IMHO: Is My Hearing-Aid On?
LMDO: Laughing My Dentures Out
LOL: Living On Lipitor
LWO: Lawrence Welk's On
OMMR: On My Massage Recliner
OMSG: Oh My! Sorry Gas.
ROFL... CGU: Rolling On The Floor Laughing... And Can't Get Up
TTYL: Talk To You Louder
WAITT: Who Am I Talking To?
WTFA: Wet The Furniture Again
WTP: Where's The Prunes?
WWNO: Walker Wheels Need Oil
GGLKI: (Gotta Go Laxative Kicking In)
#288
I guess that 2nd jokeis particularly topical now that you are FIFTY
#296
A Husband takes his wife to play her first game of golf. Of course, the wife promptly hacked her first shot right through the window of the biggest house adjacent to the course.
The husband cringed, 'I warned you to be careful! Now we'll have to go up there, find the owner, apologize and see how much your lousy drive is going to cost us.'
So the couple walked up to the house and knocked on the door. A warm voice said, 'Come on in.'
When they opened the door they saw the damage that was done: glass was all over the place, and a broken antique bottle was lying on its side near the pieces of window glass.
A man reclining on the couch asked, 'Are you the people that broke my window?'
'Uh...yeah! , sir. We're sure sorry about that,' the husband replied.
'Oh, no apology is necessary. Actually I want to thank you.. You see, I'm a genie, and I've been trapped in that bottle for a thousand years.
Now that you've released me, I'm allowed to grant three wishes. I'll give you each one wish, but if you don't mind, I'll keep the last one for myself.'
Wow, that's great!' the husband said. He pondered a moment and blurted out, 'I'd like a million dollars a year for the rest of my life.'
'No problem,' said the genie 'You've got it, it's the least I can do. And I'll guarantee you a long, healthy life!'
'And now you, young lady, what do you want?' the genie asked.
'I'd like to own a gorgeous home in every country in the world complete with servants,' she said.
'Consider it done,' the genie said. 'And your homes will always be safe from fire, burglary and natural disasters!'
'And now,' the couple asked in unison, 'what's your wish, genie?'
'Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle, and haven't been with a woman in more than a thousand years, my wish is to have sex with your wife.'
The husband looked at his wife and said, 'Gee, honey, you know we both now have a fortune, and all those houses. What do you think?'
She mulled it over for a few moments and said, 'You know, you're right. Considering our good fortune, I guess I wouldn't mind, but what about you, honey?'
You know I love you sweetheart,' said the husband. I'd do the same for you!'
So the genie and the woman went upstairs where they spent the rest of the afternoon enjoying each other.
The genie was insatiable. After about three hours of non-stop sex, the genie rolled over and looked directly into her eyes and asked, How old are you and your husband?'
'Why, we're both 35,' she responded breathlessly.
'No Kidding,' he said.
'Thirty-five years old and you both still believe in genies?'
The husband cringed, 'I warned you to be careful! Now we'll have to go up there, find the owner, apologize and see how much your lousy drive is going to cost us.'
So the couple walked up to the house and knocked on the door. A warm voice said, 'Come on in.'
When they opened the door they saw the damage that was done: glass was all over the place, and a broken antique bottle was lying on its side near the pieces of window glass.
A man reclining on the couch asked, 'Are you the people that broke my window?'
'Uh...yeah! , sir. We're sure sorry about that,' the husband replied.
'Oh, no apology is necessary. Actually I want to thank you.. You see, I'm a genie, and I've been trapped in that bottle for a thousand years.
Now that you've released me, I'm allowed to grant three wishes. I'll give you each one wish, but if you don't mind, I'll keep the last one for myself.'
Wow, that's great!' the husband said. He pondered a moment and blurted out, 'I'd like a million dollars a year for the rest of my life.'
'No problem,' said the genie 'You've got it, it's the least I can do. And I'll guarantee you a long, healthy life!'
'And now you, young lady, what do you want?' the genie asked.
'I'd like to own a gorgeous home in every country in the world complete with servants,' she said.
'Consider it done,' the genie said. 'And your homes will always be safe from fire, burglary and natural disasters!'
'And now,' the couple asked in unison, 'what's your wish, genie?'
'Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle, and haven't been with a woman in more than a thousand years, my wish is to have sex with your wife.'
The husband looked at his wife and said, 'Gee, honey, you know we both now have a fortune, and all those houses. What do you think?'
She mulled it over for a few moments and said, 'You know, you're right. Considering our good fortune, I guess I wouldn't mind, but what about you, honey?'
You know I love you sweetheart,' said the husband. I'd do the same for you!'
So the genie and the woman went upstairs where they spent the rest of the afternoon enjoying each other.
The genie was insatiable. After about three hours of non-stop sex, the genie rolled over and looked directly into her eyes and asked, How old are you and your husband?'
'Why, we're both 35,' she responded breathlessly.
'No Kidding,' he said.
'Thirty-five years old and you both still believe in genies?'
#297
A woman in her mid 30's got a phone call early one Sunday afternoon and was informed that her 96 year old grandfather had passed away a couple hours earlier that morning. She rushed over to console her 94 year old grandmother for her loss. "What happened?" asked the grand-daughter with tears in her eyes. " we were in the middle of a great session of our weekly Sunday morning sex when he just died!" replied the grandmother. Shocked beyond belief, the grand-daughter exclaimed,"Don' t you realize how dangerous sex is at your ages?!" "Oh, don't worry dear" said grandma. "We didn' t go at it fast, we did it in time with the church bells! Out with the 'ding' , in with the 'dong'! And everything was going fine untill that **** icecream truck came along!"
#298
A Missouri farmer in his pickup, drove to a neighbor's, and knocked at the door. A boy, about 9, opened the door
"Is your Dad home?"
"No sir, he isn't; he went to town."
"Well, is your Mother here?"
..."No sir, she went to town with Dad."
"How about your brother, Howard? Is he here?"
"No sir, He went with Mom and Dad."
The farmer stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other, and mumbling to himself.
"Is there anything I can do for you? I know where all the tools are, if you want to borrow one, or I can give dad a message."
"Well," said the farmer uncomfortably, "I really wanted to talk to your Dad. It's about your brother Howard getting my daughter, Suzie, pregnant."'
The boy thought for a moment. "You would have to talk to Dad about that. I know he charges $500 for the bull and $50 for the hog, but I don't know how much he charges for Howard."
"Is your Dad home?"
"No sir, he isn't; he went to town."
"Well, is your Mother here?"
..."No sir, she went to town with Dad."
"How about your brother, Howard? Is he here?"
"No sir, He went with Mom and Dad."
The farmer stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other, and mumbling to himself.
"Is there anything I can do for you? I know where all the tools are, if you want to borrow one, or I can give dad a message."
"Well," said the farmer uncomfortably, "I really wanted to talk to your Dad. It's about your brother Howard getting my daughter, Suzie, pregnant."'
The boy thought for a moment. "You would have to talk to Dad about that. I know he charges $500 for the bull and $50 for the hog, but I don't know how much he charges for Howard."
#299
:rolf2:
Didnt see that punch line coming
Didnt see that punch line coming