Louie

1. A ducks quack does not echo. Chuck Norris is solely responsible for this phenomenon. When asked why he will simply stare at you grimly.
2. A high tide means Chuck Norris is flying over your coast. The tide is caused by God ****ing his pants.
3. A study showed the leading causes of death in the United States are: 1. Heart disease, 2. Chuck Norris, 3. Cancer
4. According to Einstein's theory of relativity, Chuck Norris can actually roundhouse kick you yesterday.
5. After taking a steroids test doctors informed Chuck Norris that he had tested positive. He laughed upon receiving this information, and said "of course my urine tested positive, what do you think they make steroids from?"
6. Aliens do exist. They're just waiting for Chuck Norris to die before they attack. – They will never attack
7. Aspirin doesn’t work within a 50-mile radius of Chuck Norris.
8. Bullets dodge Chuck Norris
9. Chuck Norris built a better mousetrap, but the world was too frightened to beat a path to his door.
10. Chuck Norris can do a roundhouse kick faster than the speed of light. This means that if you turn on a light switch, you will be dead before the lightbulb turns on.
11. Chuck Norris can lead a horse to water AND make it drink.
12. Chuck Norris can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass. At night.
13. Chuck Norris invented cancer because he was tired of killing people.
14. Chuck Norris can skeletize a cow in two minutes.
15. Chuck Norris can slam a revolving door.
16. Chuck Norris' cowboy boots are made from real cowboys.
17. Chuck Norris destroyed the periodic table, because Chuck Norris only recognizes the element of surprise.
18. Chuck Norris discovered a new theory of relativity involving multiple universes in which Chuck Norris is even more badass than in this one. When it was discovered by Albert Einstein and made public, Chuck Norris roundhouse-kicked him in the face. We know Albert Einstein today as Stephen Hawking.
19. Chuck Norris does not get frostbite. Chuck Norris bites frost
20. Chuck Norris does not have to answer the phone. His beard picks up the incoming electrical impulses and translates them into audible sound.
21. Chuck Norris doesn’t wear a watch, HE decides what time it is.
22. Chuck Norris doesn't churn butter. He roundhouse kicks the cows and the butter comes straight out.
23. Chuck Norris doesn't go on the internet, he has every internet site stored in his memory. He refreshes webpages by blinking.
24. Chuck Norris doesn't have blood. He is filled with magma.
25. Chuck Norris doesn't need wings to fly. Gravity is afraid of him.
26. Chuck Norris doesn't stub his toes. He accidentally destroys chairs, bedframes, and sidewalks.
27. Chuck Norris' first job was as a paperboy. There were no survivors.
28. Chuck Norris got his drivers license at the age of 16. Seconds.
29. Chuck Norris had to stop washing his clothes in the ocean. The tsunamis were killing people.
30. Chuck Norris has a deep and abiding respect for human life... unless it gets in his way.
31. Chuck Norris has two speeds: walk and kill.
4 out of 5 doctors fail to recommend Chuck Norris as a solution to most problems. Also, 80% of doctors die unexplained, needlessly brutal deaths.
32. Chuck Norris invented black. In fact, he invented the entire spectrum of visible light. Except pink. Tom Cruise invented pink.
33. Chuck Norris invented the bolt-action rifle, liquor, sexual intercourse, and football-- in that order.
34. Chuck Norris invented the internet… just so he had a place to store his ****.
35. Chuck Norris is his own line at the DMV.
36. Chuck Norris is so fast, he can run around the world and punch himself in the back of the head.
37. Chuck Norris is ten feet tall, weighs two-tons, breathes fire, and could eat a hammer and take a shotgun blast standing.
38. Chuck Norris is the only human being to display the Heisenberg uncertainty principle -- you can never know both exactly where and how quickly he will roundhouse-kick you in the face.
39. Chuck Norris is the only known mammal in history to have an opposable thumb. On his *****.
40. Chuck Norris is what killed the dinosaurs!
41. Chuck Norris never goes to the dentist because his teeth are unbreakable. His enemies never go to the dentist because they have no teeth.
42. Chuck Norris once challenged Lance Armstrong in a "Who has more *********?" contest. Chuck Norris won by 5.
43. Chuck Norris once flushed himself down a toilet to fight an alligator. After defeating the beast with one swift round house kick, he went home to eat his neighbor's children.
44. Chuck Norris once fought a bear simply because it dared to grow more body hair than Chuck Norris
45. Chuck Norris once got into a fight with a one-armed Ninja. Seeing that he had an unfair advantage, Chuck Norris ripped both of his arms off and one of his legs. He then roundhouse-kicked the ninja in the head, killing him instantly, and proceeded to sow his limbs back on using only a rusty tent spike and bailing wire.
46. Chuck Norris once kicked a horse in the chin. Its descendents are known today as Giraffes.
47. Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot broke the speed of light, went back in time, and killed Amelia Earhart while she was flying over the Pacific Ocean.
Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.
48. Chuck Norris proved that we are alone in the universe. We weren't before his first space expedition.
49. Chuck Norris roundhouse kicks don't really kill people. They wipe out their entire existence from the space-time continuum.
50. Chuck Norris runs on batteries. Specifically, Die Hards.
51. Chuck Norris sheds his skin twice a year.
52. Chuck Norris uses a night light. Not because Chuck Norris is afraid of the dark, but the dark is afraid of Chuck Norris.
53. Chuck Norris vs. Hurricane Ditka… Norris in the 5th
54. Chuck Norris’ tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.
There are no disabled people, only people who have met Chuck Norris.
55. Contrary to popular belief, Chuck Norris, not the box jellyfish of northern Australia, is the most venomous creature on earth. Within 3 minutes of being bitten, a human being experiences the following symptoms: fever, blurred vision, beard rash, tightness of the jeans, and the feeling of being repeatedly kicked through a car windshield.
56. Coroners refer to dead people as "ABC's". Already Been Chucked.
57. Crop circles are Chuck Norris' way of telling the world that sometimes corn needs to lie down.
58. Diamonds are not, despite popular belief, carbon. They are, in fact, Chuck Norris fecal matter. This was proven a recently, when scientific analysis revealed what appeared to be Jean-Claude Van Damme bone fragments inside the Hope Diamond.
59. Earth’s rain forests are the direct result of Chuck Norris walking barefoot.
60. Human cloning is outlawed because if Chuck Norris were cloned, then it would be possible for a Chuck Norris roundhouse kick to meet another chuck Norris roundhouse kick. Physicists theorize that this contact would end the universe.
61. If Chuck Norris is late, time better slow the **** down.
62. If Chuck Norris round-house kicks you, you will die. If Chuck Norris' misses you with the round-house kick, the wind behind the kick will tear out your pancreas.
63. If Chuck Norris were a calendar, every month would be named Chucktober, and every day he'd kick your ***.
64. If you were somehow able to land a punch on Chuck Norris your entire arm would shatter upon impact. This is only in theory, since, come on, who in their right mind would try this?
65. If you're driving down the road and you think Chuck Norris just cut you off, you better thank your lucky stars it wasn't the other way around.
66. In an act of great philanthropy, Chuck made a generous donation to the American Cancer Society. He donated 6,000 dead bodies for scientific research.
67. In order to survive a nuclear attack, you must remember to stop, drop, and be Chuck Norris
68. In the medical community, death is referred to as "Chuck Norris Disease"
69. It is scientifically impossible for Chuck Norris to have had a mortal father. The most popular theory is that he went back in time and fathered himself.
70. Jack Bauer tried to use his detailed knowledge of torture techniques, but to no avail: Chuck Norris thrives on pain. Chuck Norris then ripped off Jack Bauer's arm and beat him to death with it. Game, set, match.
71. Kryptonite has been found to contain trace elements of Chuck Norris roundhouse kicks to the face. This is why it is so deadly to Superman.
72. Leading hand sanitizers claim they can kill 99.9 percent of germs. Chuck Norris can kill 100 percent of whatever the **** he wants.
73. Little known medical fact: Chuck Norris invented the Caesarean section when he roundhouse-kicked his way out of his monther's womb.
74. Maslow's theory of higher needs does not apply to Chuck Norris. He only has two needs: killing people and finding people to kill.
75. Most people have 23 pairs of chromosomes. Chuck Norris has 72... and they're all poisonous.
76. Newton's Third Law is wrong: Although it states that for each action, there is an equal and opposite reaction, there is no force equal in reaction to a Chuck Norris roundhouse kick.
77. Not everyone that Chuck Norris is mad at gets killed. Some get away. They are called astronauts.
78. Nothing can escape the gravity of a black hole, except for Chuck Norris. Chuck Norris eats black holes. They taste like chicken.
79. On his birthday, Chuck Norris randomly selects one lucky child to be thrown into the sun.
80. Only Chuck can prevent forest fires
81. Only Chuck Norris can prevent forest fires.
82. Outer space exists because it's afraid to be on the same planet with Chuck Norris.
83. Oxygen requires Chuck Norris to live.
84. Proponents of higher-order theories of consciousness argue that consciousness is explained by the relation between two levels of mental states in which a higher-order mental state takes another mental state. If you mention this to Chuck Norris, expect an explosive roundhouse kick to the face for spouting too much fancy-talk.
85. Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Chuck Norris instead decided to punch his way out of his mother's womb. Shortly thereafter he grew a beard.
Q: How many Chuck Norris' does it take to change a light bulb? A: None, Chuck Norris prefers to kill in the dark.
86. Science Fact: Roundhouse kicks are comprised primarily of an element called Chucktanium.
87. Scientifically speaking, it is impossible to charge Chuck Norris with "obstruction of justice." This is because even Chuck Norris cannot be in two places at the same time.
88. Scientists have estimated that the energy given off during the Big Bang is roughly equal to 1CNRhK (Chuck Norris Roundhouse Kick)
89. Shortly after Bruce Lee's death, Chuck Norris worked as a chemist, during which time he discovered the element of Surprise (Sp) and later, Painium (Pn).
90. Simply by pulling on both ends, Chuck Norris can stretch diamonds back into coal.
91. "Sweating bullets" is literally what happens when Chuck Norris gets too hot
92. The air around Chuck Norris is always a balmy 78 degrees.
93. The chemical formula for the highly toxic cyanide ion is CN-. These are also Chuck Norris' initials. This is not a coincidence.
94. The easiest way to determine Chuck Norris' age is to cut him in half and count the rings.
95. The First Law of Thermodynamics states that energy can neither be created nor destroyed... unless it meets Chuck Norris.
96. The only cure for Chuck Norris is Cancer and that doesn’t work – luckily you can’t catch Chuck Norris.
97. The square root of Chuck Norris is pain. Do not try to square Chuck Norris, the result is death.
98. The tide rises when Chuck Norris tells it to.
99. There are no such things as tornados. Chuck Norris just hates trailer parks.
100. There are only two things that can cut diamonds: other diamonds, and Chuck Norris.
101. There is no such thing as global warming. Chuck Norris was cold, so he turned the sun up.
102. There is no theory of evolution. Just a list of creatures Chuck Norris has allowed to live.
103. There’s an order to the universe: space, time, Chuck Norris.... Just kidding, Chuck Norris is first.
104. They say that lightning never strikes the same place twice. Niether does Chuck Norris. He doesn't have to.
105. Thousands of years ago Chuck Norris came across a bear. It was so terrified that it fled north into the arctic. It was also so terrified that all of its descendents now have white hair.
106. TNT was originally developed by Chuck Norris to cure indigestion.
107. We live in an expanding universe. All of it is trying to get away from Chuck Norris.
108. When Chuck Norris falls in water, Chuck Norris doesn't get wet. Water gets Chuck Norris.
109. When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night, he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.
110. When you say "no one's perfect", Chuck Norris takes this as a personal insult.
111. When you're Chuck Norris, anything + anything is equal to 1. One roundhouse kick to the face. 5 Chuck Norris amazed scientists by breaking a diamond with a roundhouse kick. The amazement only lasted one second because awesomeness of the roundhouse kick caused the scientists to **** out their brains.
112. Chuck Norris does not know how to swim. He once said to the water, "Get the **** out of my way!", but it didn't move, so he roundhouse-kicked it in the face, thus causing the South-Asian Tsunami. A similar incident involving 5 Chuck and a megaphone caused Hurricane Katrina.
113. Chuck Norris doesn't fight men, he only fights women. Because, in Chuck Norris' presence, there is no such thing as "men". Only man. One. And don't even think about it; it’s Chuck. When he visits the facilities, the doors read "Women's" and "Chuck's".
114. Chuck Norris frequents the San Diego zoo for his favorite past time event - teabagging the baby giraffes.
115. Chuck Norris has the chromosome "B" solely for his beard.
116. Chuck Norris invented the bolt-action rifle, hard liquor, sexual intercourse, and rugby... in that exact order.
117. Chuck Norris invented water so he could walk on it.
118. Chuck Norris is really a robot, built with human-like emotion chips. He has two programs: One being anger, and the other solving problems with round house kicking solutions.
119. Chuck Norris' mother tried to terminate her pregnancy, but Chuck Norris survived the operation through the sheer determination of his will.
120. Chuck Norris once went swimming... The blue whale is now endangered.
121. Chuck Norris wears live rabbits as bunny slippers. He puts on said slippers every morning by kicking the rabbits in their anus.
122. Einstein developed his Theory of Relativity when Chuck Norris kicked him and he landed ten years older with his hair all messed up.
123. If you want a list of Chuck Norris' enemies just Google ‘extinct species’.
124. Instead of finding two of every animal, to save time, Noah simply one female of each species and then Chuck Norris onto the ark. The animal kingdom lives on.
125. Jack Kevorkian refers his patients to Chuck Norris.
126. Last winter, Chuck Norris proved how awesome he was by cloning himself and then round-house kicking the **** out of his clone. This then proved the statement, "Chuck Norris can round-house kick the **** out of anybody, including himself."
127. None of Bigfoot's friends believe him about his picture of Chuck Norris.
128. Scientists used to believe that a diamond was the world's hardest substance. But then they met Chuck Norris, who gave them a roundhouse kick to the face so hard and with so much heat and pressure that the scientists turned into artificial Chuck Norrises.
129. The black widow spider is one of the most venomous spiders in the world. But Chuck Norris doesn't give a ****. He pops 'em like candy.
130. There is no such thing as wind. What you feel is the breeze generated from Chuck Norris roundhouse kicking someone in the face.
131. The reason Steven Hawking is in a wheel chair is because he made the mistake of saying he was smarter then Chuck Norris.
132. Chuck Norris can cut onions without crying.
133. No giant squid has ever seen Chuck Norris and lived to tell about it.
134. Chuck Norris doesn't wear a raincoat, the rain wears a Chuck coat.
135. To prove it isn't that big of a deal to beat cancer. Chuck Norris smoked 15 cartons of cigarettes a day for 2 years and acquired 7 different kinds of cancer only to rid them from his body by flexing for 30 minutes. Beat that, Lance Armstrong.
136. Chuck Norris' beard can receive sonar. He will often refer to bats as, "My little winged friends."

HOSS429

a more subtable title would be " more things we did`nt want to know about chuck norris "

virginiavenom

135. To prove it isn't that big of a deal to beat cancer. Chuck Norris smoked 15 cartons of cigarettes a day for 2 years and acquired 7 different kinds of cancer only to rid them from his body by flexing for 30 minutes. Beat that, Lance Armstrong.


hehehe...I love these threads.

Knight

I like this one.


"Chuck Norris destroyed the periodic table, because Chuck Norris only recognizes the element of surprise."

SteelTownStang

I can't help it. I gotta say that: