It's snow joke
Get up. I have a slight hangover, not a problem. Have to cook a massive roast, bit of a problem, parents coming round and all that horror.
Take the roast out of the fridge, to warm up, it's the size of my thigh.
Let Idiot out which is followed by the obligatory tearing round the house and barking at furniture.
Idiot: 'Here, it's daylight again, where's that other person, I looked everywhere. Wooo hoo woo. That sideboard was going to attack me, I can tell, I'm a trained killer.'
'Oh shut up, my head hurts. Right, loo, get out.'

Unfortunately it's snowing, and there are gale force winds.
Idiot: 'You must be joking, there's that white stuff, and it's windy.'
Basil Fawltyesque 'Right, fine, I don't care, fine, fine with me.' Bring the dog back in.

Go to the loo myself.
Get back to the kitchen to witness Idiot in stealth mode approaching the silverside beef joint thing on the counter.
'TOUCH THAT AND YOU ARE DEAD, DEAD.'
Idiot: 'I was only looking, it looks better than sardines. I hate you, how about a friendly tail wag. Don't beat me.'
Much wagging of tail.
DB appears: 'What's all the shouting about now.'
Idiot: 'It wasn't me, I didn't do anything, he's mean to me, have a tail wag.'
DB to Idiot: 'Hello petal, how are you mwah mwwah aren't you good.'
'IT WAS ABOUT TO EAT IT'S OWN BODYWEIGHT IN SILVERSIDE. Like, just because you didn't see it doesn't mean it didn't happen, Jesus.''
'Bad dog, bad dog.'
Atmosphere in the kitchen is now as frosty as it is outside.
Start peeling garlic.
Fos

 

I am a good son. I was going to make a chocolate cake for my aged parents.
Or maybe chocolate cookies.
Meet my father and go shopping, have a chat, leave the Idiot locked up and go out and buy stuff.

Get home, put stuff on the counter and go and put my coat away. How difficult could this be. 20 seconds tops.

'BAD DOG DOG BAD DOG, THIEF GIMME THAT BACK.'

This isn't good, that's my father shouting. Briskly walk back out into the hall.
'What, what, what's wrong.' (dreading the answer)
Father: 'That stupid dog had lifted a Tracker bar off the coffee table and was heading behind the sofa. BAD DOG THIEF.'

20 seconds.
Idiot: 'He's normally a nice person, but he's being very mean. wo wooo hoo..'
Idiot is pretty much chucked into the utility room.
Father: 'THIEF! BAD DOG. You ought to watch that dog more.'
'I was only taking my coat off. Is the Tracker bar still edible?'
woo hoo woo hoo from behind a closed door
Carry on as normal.
Fos

 

Warrior
Don't know if you've seen it, but there's a brilliant cartoon of Elmer Fudd doing Wagner.
'With my sword and mmaaagic helmet I vill kill zem.' That's Elmer.
'Right Idiot, out. Go outside for God's sake.'
Idiot: ' Why are you trying tooo killll me.'
'I only want you to go to the toilllllet.' soprano
Idiot :'I don't understand what you're saaaaaying.' soprano
Idiot goes out.
Next door spaniel barks.
Sword and magic helmet my ****, Idiot was back in the house at light speed.
Idiot: ' Why do you put me out there, there's things. I'm scared, I don't like it. Apart from those flying things, they're ok.'
'They are pheasants you moron dog.'
Have a small weep
Fos

 

That should do you for a little while