jgsmuzzy

Foreign bodies
Does a click ballpoint pen count. I'm just doing the normal check at tea time, sit down and watch the news, and the Idiot is chewing. Right, what is that.
Idiot: 'No idea.'
Yip, it's a clicky ball point pen. Last seen on a lampstand, because I'd been doing the crossword in the Times (badly).
I thought the lampstand was Idiot proof.
'Spit it out, spit.'
Idiot: 'I have no idea what you mean, honestly, it's a blank. I'm in trouble again aren't. I'm away to hide.'
So I inspect the pen, it's got a decent chew, but looks intack-ish.'
'My Darling, oh my sweetest, the Idiot has eaten the pen given to me by my brother.' It's not expensive or anything, brother's cheap

There are three sofas in the main room. Two against a wall, one freestanding, at right angles to the fireplace. They are all Idiot proofed. This includes a coffee table upended on to a three seater, backed up by an atlas and a couple of big coffee table style books. All the cushions are at odd angles.

'Right where are you'
Idiot:'Hiding, because you're going to beat me, or flay me alive.'
Idiot is hiding behind the wrong sofa. It's the one standing freely, so Idiot is pretty much lying in the middle of the floor in the area behind, but behind a sofa and is looking away.
'My darling Dearest, look at this.'
Darling:'Why is it lying in the middle of the floor, that's not the normal sofa. That's daft.'
'My darling, that dog has the IQ of a potato, it's got the wrong sofa, is in full view and thinks we, well me, can't see it if pretends to be dead.'
Fos

jgsmuzzy

This is madness.
We've all got degrees and stuff.
Yet we are letting these canine fiends rule the house.
'Where's the Dog'
Darling: 'Well I don't know, I thought you had it.'
'Do I look like I have it, well do I, can you see a dog anywhere near me.'
Darling: 'Well I let it out.'
'So, you knew I didn't have it then, it's probably heading at warp speed to somewhere far away'
Darling: 'What would you like for tea.'
'Well, my sweetness, somthing that attracts an Idiot, or, we're going to have to call Interpol. Sweet mother of Jesus, did you even see where it went?'
Darling, not even looking up : 'Oh over there somewhere.'
Forest, farmland, beach, road, nextdoor, all overthere.
Somtimes my darling you try me
puddda pudda pudda tikka tikka
Idiot: 'Hello wo ho wo ho
'Where have you been?'
Idiot: 'No idea, it was dark.'
Fos

jgsmuzzy

Breaking news
Idiot is in the next county, or abroad. I've been walking around with a Maglite trying to find it. 'Here Dog, here.'
Clear your throat, this sounds silly and has to be said quietly, 'er, here Daisy, c'mon.'
pudda pudda puddapudda pudda puddapudda pudda
Well, good news and bad news, Idiot hasn't got a fake passport yet, but is hurtling towards me at meteor speed. I actually brace my legs in case Idiot hits me, it goes past at high speed, and whumps against the door into the kitchen.
Idiot: 'Hello, let's watch some TV, woo ho woo ho woo ho. Well, give me five seconds, I want to kill that that reindeer again.'
As I quietly cry, in the dark, with my Maglite, people next door could probably hear, amongst the sobs, 'That flipping dog dog is a headcase and it's driving me mental.'
Darling dearest:'Who are you talking to.'
'No one'
Fos(Idiot is giving the reindeer a severe kicking at the moment)

jgsmuzzy

Here we go again, who needs an alarm 6.00am
Whump, whump against the bedroom door.
Me being sleepy, and now grumpy :'How did it do that, it was locked in with a bolt, Jesus, is it picking locks or something, from the other side of the door.'
Darling dearest: 'Ah I had to get stuff out of the washing machine before bed.'
'So it's been roaming freely round the house all night. What about the big brass BOLT thing.'
Darling dearest: 'Oh that, can't remember.'
Idiot: 'I've been on the sofa, I've been on the sofa woo ho woo ho. I slept in the spare bed. Let's go out, let's go out woo hoo.'
Silence. This normaly makes my lower lip tremble, it's never good news.
Idiot: 'Sorry for the break, I had to roll on back for a second before I barked at a sofa.'
Woo hoo woo hoo.
Who needs Terry Wogan.
Fos

jgsmuzzy

Fires, good or bad
I have created a very nice [even approved of by darling dearest] fire.
The Idiot is within, say two feet of it.
'Idiot, you are burning, there are embers alighting upon your fur. I can smell them.'
Idiot: 'No they're, ouch, not, I'm, ouch, cosy.'
Darling dearest: 'Take it to the garden, it has to go, you know, to the loo.'
So I get to take a smoking thing with four legs thing into the garden.
Idiot:'It's raining you know.'
'Well, maybe it will PUT YOU OUT. Now keep quiet'
Idiot:' You are sooooo mean to me. don't beat me
It was only a couple of scource marks. 'Right, in, quick.'
Where does Idiot go, back to the fire.
Darling dearest: 'What's that smell of burning hair.'
'I have no idea.'
Fos

jgsmuzzy

Well, we all love our dogs.
Most are as thick as a bag of spanners, that's the dogs, not the dog lovers.
I hope.
So tonight, it's 'Right dog, loo, after sitting on the fire aren't you ok, yes your are yes you are.'
Idiot: 'Yip fine, I'm off'.
'My darling dearing, I believe the dog has run away again, smelling faintly of smoke.'
Dearest: 'Well find it.'
'By f@@@ing smoke signals, how, give me one clue.'
Idiot is now in bed, I'm in the doghouse.
Fos

jgsmuzzy

There might well be a shooting on my road.
Although it could be tricky kneecapping a greyhound/lurcher thing while holding onto a lead and a shotgun, you'd have to reload and everything, it's got four knees, I've only two hands.
BANG
'You won't run away now. will you, WILL YOU.'
Idiot: 'I always knew were going to beat me.'
Then I would get wrapped up in four miles of lead while a demented, and limping Idiot laps me in decreasing circles.
BANG
'Oww I shot my foot, that really hurts, bad dog, bad dog.'
Idiot: 'Don't beat me.'
Not really a blueprint for success is it.

Damage report. A miniture Swiss Roll. These live in a Tupperware container, in a cupboard, on a second shelf, above the worktop.
Idiot:' Wffhf wffh.' Instead of woo hoo woo. Because it's mouth is full of Swiss Roll.
Darling dearest: 'That's a Swiss Roll.'
'My fragrant one I can see it's a Swiss Roll, It is still eating it.'
Darling dearest: 'How did it get it.'
'Well, my dearest, it not wearing a climbing harness, so I doubt it climbed there. Did you not have friends round, and give them Swiss Rolls, could they have been left out by any chance?'
Darling dearest: 'Don't shout at me.'
Idiot: 'Whhhff?' I'mmm in trouble... right. 'Whhhfff-swallow.' Covert hide mode.
More debris behind the sofa.
Fos

jgsmuzzy

Dateline: Yesterday teatime.
Mission: To get the paper.
Idiot: 'Are we going out, walk? Beach?'
'No, these are car keys, you're not coming.'
Idiot: 'You're mean to me aaaall the time.'
So, pre-exit Idiot proofing.
Bed moved from living room to hall area, check.
'SIT, sit there.'
Idiot looks emotionally damaged by having to lie in the hall.
Close double doors to living room, check.
Close doors to bedrooms, check.
All other doors locked, check.
Go and check them all again anyway.
Get back, paper in hand. doop be doo de doo, I'm happy.
Idiot is looking at me, from the other side of the living room double doors.
Idiot: 'Hello. I've locked myself in. Walk, biscuit?'
'My darling dearest, Idiot has opened those double doors, and closed them behind her.'
Darling beloved: 'It couldn't have.'
I just silently point at an Idiot, in the living room behind double doors, which is looking at us, one ear up one done, 'Look, can you let me out, these doors go inwards, I can't do them from this side, and there's no fire lit, biscuit?'
'SEE, SEE, UNLESS YOU'VE BOUGHT ANOTHER MORONIC CANINE COMPANION I'D SAY THAT ONE IS OURS'
Darling: 'Don't take that tone with me, let her out.'
'Why do I bother doing all that door shutting crap, I may as just give the Idiot keys.'
Fos
coming soon, the Monster Munch incident

jgsmuzzy

Badgers
There are quite a few badgers round here. They're cute. All contryside-ish and all that.
Walking Idiot after dinner, a badger, who will now be known as trouble making earth dwelling bustard, runs across the road.
Idiot goes mental.
Idiot: 'It's an evil black and white dog, let's get it.'
wooo hoo woo hoo grr woo woo ho ho
'That is a badger.'
Idiot: 'No idea what you're saying. Let's get the black and white dog.'
'No stop, STOP pulling.'
'You lie in pheasant scrapes, that thing builds bungalows underground, it is very strong, it will kill you.'
woo woo hoo
Idiot: 'But I'm game aren't I'
'Yes, yes, but leave almost certain death alone and come home.'
Triumphant trot home.
Darling dearest: 'Nice walk?'
'My darling dearest, we seen a badger.'
Idiot: 'I could have taken him.'
Fos

jgsmuzzy

Beds
Right think Full Metal Jacket.
'There are many beds like this, but this one is yours, you must give this bed a name, like Bed.'
'Alright ladies, lights out, hit the sack.'
Idiot looks at me: 'What bed.'
'My fragrant darling, what have you done with the dog's bed, for f@@@'s sake.'
Darling dearest: ' My sweet beloved, I am perplexed, confused and dismayed. How do I know where the Dog's bed is, try the sofa.'
'Sweetness, I HAVE TRIED THE SOFA.'
To Idiot: 'You, yes you, where's your bloody bed gone, well?'
Woo? woo hoo? 'Dunno what you're talking about, woo hoo? I'm going tactical now...whoosh'
I'm talking to an undercover SAS dog again
'I can see you, you Idiot, you're watching me.'

It's rolled up the bed somehow and put it under a coffee table. This is like a metre and a half by a metre and a half of dog bed duvet thing.
'How did you do that. I have trouble getting a sleeping bag into a stuff sack and you've rolled up your own bed and hidden it.'

Idiot: 'I have no idea what you're talking about, I'm invisible.'
Hum quietly to myself, it doesn't matter, it doesn't matter, fix it all up.
'Right Dog, bedtime, bed, bed, lights out.'
Idiot goes and looks under the coffee table.
Idiot: 'My bed's gone, I'm confused.'
'Listen, you'll be concussed unless you get to BED, the real BED, right now.'
Idiot: 'Don't beat me.'
Fos

GottaHaveIt

well that got me laughung right off ! Thank-You James.

EleanorsMine

More James- MORE!!!

Blip

Great stories, nice find James.

After last night, I'm pretty sure we have the American cousin to "the Idiot."
We call her the "Dogtard." She learned that our indoor black and white cats never go outside, so the outside black & white "cats" she
found last night were not the ones that would play with her.

If only they made a "smell-avision" for the internet,
I could share the "aroma" with everyone.

future9er24

Always good for a chuckle

If I should ever overcome my allergies and get meself a dog, I shall call it Idiot

future9er24

Anything new James?

Arin could use a laugh

jgsmuzzy

here we go again...........

I'd thought you'd all like another chapter.
It was someone's bright idea to redo both bathrooms.
Which really meant I had to do it.
Idiot: 'Woo hoo hoo woo The plumber's here, the plumber's here.'
'Shut UP.I Know it's the bl00dy plumber.'
The plumber doesn't like dogs, the tiler does, but he's away home.
'Right you bed, NOW, no not you plumber guy, the dog. Just put in all that girly crap on the tiles. (Soap dishes and towel holders and stuff, what's wrong with the floor).
I go and work on the cork tiles in the other bathroom. These have been glued down by Satan and need blow tourched off and need a serious amount of hammer and wallpaper thing to get lifted.
Idiot: 'Woo hoo hoo woo hoo, what are you doing, it smells funny.'
Plumber: 'I opened a door and the dog ran out.'
Idiot+molten glue+blow tourch+plumber scared of dogs
1. Turn off blow tourch.
2. Say in a calm but commanding manner, 'bed, bed now, bed. Stop opening doors.' Again the Idiot, not the plumber.
On no account say sit.
Idiot is now making sticky noises on the floor.
Then it sniffs the blow torch, which is quite hot, well actually very hot.
Sticka sticka sticka sticka out of the bathroom very quickly.
Idiot: 'I hate you, you're cruel. I'm away to hide.'
Sticka myself on the floor and continue the tiling horror.
Idiot's fine.
Fos

jgsmuzzy

Taking the Idiot to the loo
Let Idiot out, it goes to the loo, unless it's raining, or windy.
Easy.
Fixing my loo, removing the stupid cork tiles and all that, my father came round to lend a hand.
Idiot: 'Woo ho that's that person takes me up to the farm. Brilliant. woo hoo.'
Father gets busy with the blowtourch and the hammer.
Idiot: 'Look about this walk thing, how about it.'
Father to Idiot: 'Those are car keys, not door keys, (for walks) go away. Go on, away.'
Aye, the Idiot is going to understand that. Later.
Bang
Idiot:'I didn't do anything, it wasn't me, I'm away.'
Idiot had gone up and head butted father in the bum, he dropped the hammer, which fell and broke the toilet bowl. Literally oh crap..
Already been on the phone to the insurance people and they have to come out and look at a broken toilet.
Idiot: 'You look very angry. I'm actually quite concerned. Take it the walk is off. I'm away.'
Then Darling Beloved arrives back. Idiot is building a slit trench.
DB: 'What happened the toilet? There's water everywhere.'
I just go and hide with the Idiot.
That's only this morning.
Fos

jgsmuzzy

Idiot:'What are you doing, is that a toy, is it a game, let's chase it.'
**** of out off the way you stupid dog, bed BED
A mixture of water and congealed glue is hard to mop up and Idiot wants to catch the mop thing.
DB: 'Don't shout at the dog, (to Idiot) ahhh come here, ahh. Aren't you good.'
'My darling, that poor maltreated rescue lurcher has broken the main bathroom.'
DB: 'Don't be silly. How could it. Why did you let it out.'
quiet mutter 'I didn't let it fecking out'
'Well, Idiot headbutted Father, and then, and then, oh I give up.'
Can't cry because there's enough water on the floor already.
The stupid trendy foam squeezy mop thing bought by DB is sticking to the floor. Useless.
Idiot looks round the door: 'Look, about what happened earlier, there's been a misunderstanding.. That toy looks really interesting.'
Urrgghh urrggh screecth screetch.
That's the noise of a lurcher being pulled along a wooden floor, with sticky feet and put in a lockable room.
'AND STAY THERE.'
Idiot: 'I really really hate you. You are so mean.'
A canine companion covered in glue, a broken toilet, a useless mop, a bathroom you could paddle in. Brilliant day off.
Fos

jgsmuzzy

I haff been ordered by ze commander (Darling beloved) to stay in ze hause and vait for the Herr insurance man.

Bathroom looks like a bomb site, Idiot is running around like a headcase and I'm sitting on the sofa like a zombie waiting for this guy to turn up.
Idiot: 'Hello, you still home, let's go out ey. How about the beach?'
Does a full stretch and a yawn.
It's tongue's blue. Bright blue.

Paint testers, check the paint testers for the bathroom, couple of them are blue. Do this quite urgently, chocolate may be bad in the canine diet, but I doubt emulsion is good.
The paint pot things are intact.

Search for Idiot to check, which is easy because there's a trail of blue pawprints. Right, I'm mystified now.
Right, hiding place, behind the sofa, f*** there's blue paw prints on the carpet.
'What are you doing, you moron, what have you eaten.'
Completely pointless talking to the idiot I know but it gives me a sense of empowerment
Idiot: 'Eating this, but it doesn't taste very nice, how about a biscuit.'
It's licking and chewing the blue toilet freshener tab that hung of the inside of the now defunct toilet bowl. And holding it with it's paws, hence blue paw prints.
indulge myself with a quiet hum
Gimme that for Gawd sake you're going to poison yourself
Idiot: 'Don't beat me, I'm going to hide, oh I am already. I'll just close my eyes.'
Insurance man still hasn't arrived.
Fos

jgsmuzzy

A night on the tiles
Ireland were playing rugby earlier against Italy, my shiny new sister-in-law is Italian so this is a big deal, got to beat the Italians. Have to get to the pub.
Must sort Idiot out , do it right.
'You, get out of there.'
Idiot: 'But I was sleeping, what have I done? You're so mean.'
'You're in the wrong room get out and lie here.'
please please please make this as painless as possible
Idiot lies down in auxilliary bed in the hall.
Right great. Go out, get pished, watch rugby, come home.

Idiot is missing. Ah well, doesn't have door keys, can't have got far. 'Here doggy doggy. Here dog.' Nothing.
F***king bustard Idiot dog where are you.
Idiot: 'I am in the spare room. woo hoo wooh hoo. But I've closed the door after me and I'm locked in. The only company I've had is this cork floor tile.'

Idiot has chewed a semi burnt floor tile from the bathroom into very small bits and is now making a small nest with the bits, on the spare bed. Along with some Fruit Pastilles.
Get the Hoover, wonder how long it would take to beat the dog to death with a Dyson.
Fos