jgsmuzzy

Hands up for an Idiot
Right, it's mental.
But I can point at my feet and it snugs into my thigh and trots along.
I can point with either right or left arm to induce a hurtle.
Arm up, it returns.
Arm down, Idiot stops. Well mostly. All without saying a word, just hand signals.
Back inside, I try the hand signal thing.
'aye right, away and eff off with that hand waving nonsense, I'm away behind the sofa'
Darling beloved: 'Can you not train that dog'
May as well put my hand in a blender.
Fos

jgsmuzzy

Just a walk
How hard could it be.
'Walk dog, walk'
'Great I'll get my lead'
Aren't you good, clever Idiot. It's the wrong lead and I have no idea how you got it off a hook in the spare bathroom, but we'll let that pass.
'My darling dearest, I am taking the Idiot out for a brief walk'
well don't lose it
Well, that's great, I love you too dearest.
Head down towards the coast. Idiot plays in a few puddles, seems fascinated by puddles. woo wo woooo wo. 'Yeah, a puddle brilliant, c'mon.'
Idiot: There's another one.
About 3 miles of lead go out.
Idiot: Quick it's a nice big puddle, it might go away.
'No Dog, really, no, no.' Frantic fiddling with the lead, frigging thing has never worked.
Splash.
It's not a puddle, it's a flooded foundation ditch for a wall. About two feet deep.
Idiot: This isn't a puddle, it's deep, it's like the stuff at the beach. (sea)
'Quick, get out before someone sees us, and don't...
shake'
Now I'm freshly speckled with mud and God knows what head back up the hill to the house.
Idiot: That was fun. There's another one let's look at that.
'You seen that one on the way down, how can it have changed in 10 minutes'
'We have to get home, for me it's a change of clothes, you're getting the hairdryer'
Fos

jgsmuzzy

Hangovers are great
I was out last night, with no darling beloved, and had a great time.
Wake up this morning, right Dog, let's go to the beach, fresh air, nice.
woo wooo woooho 'Let's go to the beach'
'I could have said let's go to Canada and would have got the same response'
Idiot: 'No, you've lost me, don't know what you're on about'
Down to the beach, nice morning, all that poetic stuff.
Idiot: 'Do I have permission to race around the beach as if I am being chased by something very bad.'
puddapudda pudda ERKRUGGH coughing, death spasms.
'Might be an idea to take your lead off'
Idiot: 'You're so mean to me'
pudda pudda pudda at a blistering speed round the beach. Fine, all is well.
Idiot's looking at nothing, normal, I have a cigar, normal.
Idiot sprints off down a rocky outcrop beside the bay about 20-30 metres.
Ah well, not normal. Looking risky for Idiot.
Option 1 Death by drowning
Option 2 Death by breaking a leg
Option 3 Death by being beaten with a piece of seaweed by meIf you don't come back, heel, heel, who am I kidding, DOG, here, here
Idiot comes back, go home.
Darling beloved: 'That dog's all sandy, and it's wet. Where did you go.'
'Well my darling, moisture and sand would suggest the beach, just down there next to the sea.'
Idiot is already hiding, and licking a mixture of sand, seawater and small pieces of seaweed of it's feet.
Yeah. Great hangover cure.
Fos

jgsmuzzy

Right hum along.
Uncle Tom's Cabin, I think. It's on my MP3 player.
I took the Dog for a walk
doo da doo dah
I took the dog for a walk
all doo da day
Dog wants a break, wants a break
Do dah do dah
Oh for Jesus sake, don't make a brake for it
doo dah dooh da
Idiot: 'Right, I'm off'
Doo dah doo da.
This is not good news.
Unplug the headphones and just hear a faint woo wooo wo.
It's dark, it's raining, Idiot has taken a holiday retreat to the forest, or the field, I am strangling myself with headphones, and have miles of lease hanging out because it dosen't bloody work.
I can't retreat to the house empty handed or I'll get in trouble.
Idiot then does a tactical advance and appears as if by magic by my leg.
'Where have you been, where'
Idiot: 'No idea, but there were cows.'
C'mere and get this rubbish lead on again, sit, sit, SIT.
Idiot: 'Can I play with the cows'
No, and can I want to make it perfectly clear you can't play with large farm animals or horses.
Idiot: 'Biscuit?'
Walk home in the rain, in the dark, with an Idiot on a lease which is broken.
Another quiet night then.
Fos

future9er24

LMAO!!!

This guy is great

GottaHaveIt

It did not work for me to read this in the wee hours of the morning but I'm LMAO now ! thank-you James I needed that.

jgsmuzzy

(Hoover = Vacuum cleaner)


Oh honestly
I like hard sweets called Sour Suckers. They are hard, and you suck em. And they're sour. There's only one shop I know sells them.
That's 10 minutes to the shop, park, go in the shop, realise you've no money, go to the cash point, back to the shop.
Buy Sour suckers, hurrah. And milk, which was the entire point. Oh and cigars.
Mission completed.
Forgot about the paper, never mind.
Being Idiot safe, I snap the sour Suckers in half, and put one half on a high shelf, and the other half in my pocket, Hmm Sour suckers and a cup of coffee, maybe a cigar.
'My darling dearest, have you moved those sweets, and where are the cigars'
'I've no idea what you're talking about'
Oh dear.
An urgent search for the Idiot reveals an Idiot of absolutely subnormal IQ eating the Sour Suckers, wrapper and all. It's actually winching.
The cigars, in a metal tin are history, the are evenly spread over the carpet.
A metal tin.
'That Idiot has eaten my sweets and my cigars, and they were in a metal frigging tin.'
Woo hoo woo hoo
Idiot: I'm on a sugar rush, but I didn't like those brown leaf things. Let's play.
'Bad dog, thief, bad'
In dog language this is 'yadda yadda yadda dog yadda yadd'
I had six Sour Suckers left.
Hoover out again, 'sometimes I should beat you with this bloody hoover'
Woo hooo wooo ho woo 'Don't beat me'
I get told off for using the hoover in a threatening manner agaisnt a poor dog, and am told I'm being a bit of a child making a fuss about sweets.
Fos

jgsmuzzy

(refreshers = very chewy brand of candy)

Dog sweets
Dog chew things, they are edible, and bought in a dog shop. Fine.
Dog chew things which aren't edible like the Stuffed Reindeer thing. Fine.
Dog chew things which aren't edible, like a rubber ring thing. 'It's eaten that'
'No it hasn't' 'Well my darling, has it posted it somewhere, it's going to have a real problem posting it somwhere, envelopes, stamps all that, it's eaten.'
Refreshers are good.
Here Idiot have a Refresher. munch much.
Idiot: Itchs stuvk in ma teeth
HAH. Darling beloved :'You're so mean to to the Idiot, I mean the dog'
Darling beloved: 'Come here, I'll brush your teeth'
Idiot: 'You are woking, naw chance, I'm awwf.'
It's got Refreshers on it's teeth and is now in hiding.
Fos

jgsmuzzy

Breakfast, an important meal
Woo hoo woo [whump]
Idiot: 'You're in the kitchen, I can hear, pleeeeeeease let me out, and what about breakfast'
I'm doing it, I'm doing it. woo woo more bloody woo.
Open the door and let the Idiot out. Here, eat your food. Ignored. Massive sprint, tika tika tika tikatiktitktitktitktk.
This ought to be good. tika tika sleeeeeka THUMP.
I've closed the door into the bedrooms and Idiot can't stop on the wooden floor.
Idiot: 'Why are you sooo mean to me, buy a rug, that floor's slippy'
Give Idiot it's food and make myself some Crunchy Nut cornflakes, I like them.
Put them on the coffee table, and go and get tea, very normal.
Comeback. STOP EATING MY BLOODY CORNFLAKES, STOP.
Idiot stops mid crunch. 'I'm not eating cornflakes, nope. Ah' I think I'll head off, like now'
Darling beloved: 'What happened now, what's all the shouting.'
'IT'S EATEN HALF A BOWL OF MY FLIPPING CORNFLAKES'
Darling beloved: 'Where did you put them'
'ON THE TABLE'
Darling dearest:'Why did you put them there.'
'WHAT? WHY DID I PUT A BOWL OF CORNFLAKES ON THE TABLE, WHY DO YOU THINK'
I'm losing this debate at this point
Darling: 'Where's the dog now.'
Me: 'Switzerland, a place of safety and refuge, it's behind the sofa.'
Fos

jgsmuzzy

If we have to go away for a couple of days I leave Idiot with some friends down the coast. They made Idiot a steak for dinner. And for drinks, they put some water, some ice cubes in it's dish and a slice of lemon.
'Thank you so very much for looking after the dog'
Right you, In the car, don't mess it up, look normal
'Bye, thanks again'
Shall I put a slice of lemon in your favourite puddle?
Woo hoo wooo hooo woo.
Idiot: 'Here we're moving, they made me steak, you just give me sardines'
'Your sooo mean. I slept in their bed.'
They told me. Thrilled apparently. Now get your head out of the window.
Idiot: 'No'
'Fine by me, I don't care, you had a better dinner than I did and if you get your brains bashed in I doubt that only a few close friends would even realise the difference. NOW GET YOUR HEAD OUT OF THE BLOODY WINDOW'
Idiot: 'You're mean, don't beat me. Look a seagull.'
Fos

jgsmuzzy

Tea time
My most fragrant Darling, what do you fancy for dinner/tea whatever.
Darling: 'I'm making prawn cocktail.'
'That's it?? I've bought noodles and chillies and stuff, are we back in the 70's.'
****. Idiot eats fish, and pretty much everything it wants.
'Look, hide the frigging prawns, Idiot will take them, put them in the fridge or something.'
'No they have to sit out, you're being silly.'
I do my best Basil Fawlty impersonation, RIGHT FINE, YOU KNOW BEST, WHAT DO I KNOW. IT EATS FLIPPING SARDINES, IT'LL BE THROUGH THOSE PRAWNS QUICKER THAN A QUICK THING WHICH IS QUICK.'
Darling: 'Stop shouting.'
Idiot is stalking the prawns.
You, YOU, you are a fine friend, but get out the bloody kitchen NOW.
That was to the Idiot, not the Darling dearest, she's got a knife.
Fos

jgsmuzzy

Darling dearest is away for the night
So I go to visit the folks.
'Mother, father how are you doing. How are things.'
No woo hooing, or hooing.
My father:'That stupid dog had just eaten my almond scone.'
Father again: 'Do you want one. Here, they're very nice.'
Ah, is the back door open.
Father: 'Yes.'
Well that's me stuffed
Father: 'Sure you don't want a scone.'
'It would probably be a better idea to get the Idiot dad.'
Fifteen minutes of calling for the Idiot, it's gone tactical.
Catch it, go inside and have a scone.
Father; ' It is pretty stupid, isn't it. Want another scone?'
Fos

jgsmuzzy

Ah sure, it's a good way to practice your Six Million Dollar Man slow motion.
'Noooooo, Dog, don't do it, It's not worth it.'
Six Million Dollar man music as you race across the lawn, in slow motion.
'I know what you're going to do, please don't.'
Then pathetic begging, 'Here dog, c'mon aren't you a good dog, here'
Chomp.
Northern Ireland news services reported one wasp, killed in action, by an Idiot.
Crap. What if it goes into shock or something, well the wasp certainly got a shock, just have to wait for the Idiot to drop dead now.
Idiot: 'I got a flying thing, you have to be quick for that.'
Large amount of woo hoo wooing.
Being watched from the kitchen window by Darling Dearest. Rut Roh.
'Right Dog, spit out that wasp, I'm going to eat it, maybe it'll kill me, I'm dead anyway.'
Fos

jgsmuzzy

Visitors
Ok, so the Idiot has chased all the pheasants, lots of woo hooing, lots of ack ack cluck cluck flapping, very noisy.
It's had a Jaffa roll, only found the wrapper.
It's ran like a headcase round the house because the Hoover was turned on.

A guest arrives. He let's himself in, and the Idiot clatters towards him, Crap, crappity crap.
Idiot comes to a screeching halt, sits, wags it's tail, and presents a paw.
Guest: 'Oh aren't you good, show me your paw. That's such a well behaved dog.'
Keep my mouth shut, and give my guest a cup of coffee.
Go into the kitchen and it's killing a linen hanky, it's in bits.
'You're just playing mind games with me aren't you.'
Idiot: 'Yip. But you're talking to yourself.'
Beaten again.
Fos

GottaHaveIt

gee with pictures and all this would make a great cartoon.

burningman

Greeat stuff!!!!

BTW I had no idea what a Lurcher is so I googled one

jgsmuzzy

Idiot is an addict

'Hello, my name is Idiot and I'm an alcoholic'
Thank you for coming Idiot, would you like to share
'Well, Fos had a dinner party at the weekend, lots of wine'
Yes go on
'Well they all went to bed and I got out, there was a half bottle of wine on the floor by the sofa with the cork only partly put into the bottle. I like to play with corks so I chewed it.'
That doesn't make you an alcoholic Idiot
'Well, I knocked over the bottle and it started gurgling onto the carpet and I started drinking it. It tasted better than a puddle. Then the light went on and Fos was standing there. I was caught drinking on my own, in the dark behind a sofa.'
And what did Fos say?
'He said have you learnt how to use a f@@@ing corkscrew? how did you do that? BED. BED NOWJesus, look at the carpet'
'He made me come here, I don't think I have a problem'

Fos

EleanorsMine

That Scottish Dog is making me chuckle. Keep em Coming!

jgsmuzzy

Scottish?

EleanorsMine

Pay no attention to me lately- my mind is in a million different directions.
Anyhow- the idiot is making me laugh my butt off- post some more!