Titus Election year advice/experiment
9/12/04, 12:33 PM
#1
Bow Chica Bow Wow
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Screw it, it's an election year - by Christopher Titus
We all have days when the world takes you to a bad place emotionally. I don't mean "cranky" I mean the days when you actually, just for a second contemplate burying your boss under your house. These are the days when Hot Rodding saves lives. Hot rodding has a quality, a Zen to it that is like trimming a Bonsai tree or planting a garden. You just don't bleed as much trimming a bonsai tree unless you really stink at it. Stress is the number one killer and wrenching on you ride gets rid of aorta plugging tension. Except for the three days before an event when the car is at the upholstery shop, the tranny needs to be rebuilt and you have a dead short you can't find. OK then hot rodding is stress personified. The government needs to do a study, some research. heck if they can buy thousands of six hundred-dollar toilet seats then they can darn sure help us prove that wrenching on your rod will extend your life. Imagine the billions of dollars that are spent on psychiatrists and psychotic drugs. Let's put that money into something that actually makes the world a better place to live in, hot rodding. You'll be cured; put therapists out of business and have a badass ride all in one fell swoop. Even if building the car doesn't relieve stress, laying an eight mile long burnout in a six hundred horsepower rod will definitely make me forget about the inconsiderate buttwad in the 10 items or less supermarket line who has THIRTEEN ITEMS! Breathe Titus, breathe. Also you really old guys won't have to use Viagra if the car is female dogin enough.
I propose we get the government to pay for a "medical" experiment. What the heck, it's an election year. We scare the politicians into thinking we'll vote against them, that way they'll dance the way we tell them to dance. The window of opportunity is short, so let's get on this ASAP! FIRST: we select a group of ten rodders and give them a "Research grant". Now this will only cost approximately two million dollars. I figured hundred thousand per rodder for his Hot rod or "stress relief project" and a million dollar grant for yours truly to take data and monitor the project. (Shut up, it's my idea, I get the Million.) I'm convinced that we can prove that Hot Rodding is the best cancer fighting, stress-killing, weapon known to man. (As long as someone else is paying for it.) When I see my monthly rod expenditure credit card bill, all the veins in my skull turn dark purple and my eyes hemorrhage, so getting the government to pay for this program is a must. It's only 2 million bucks! C'mon, Clinton spent that much on keeping Janet Reno's facial hair trimmed.
Here is my formal proposal. HORSEPOWER IS THERAPY.
A proposal to bring stress relief and peace to the United States in one year.
A. Ten rodders will be chosen to each receive a hundred thousand dollar grant to build a Pre-65 high performance vehicle of AMERICAN make. The cutoff of 1965 was arrived at due to the fact that this is my experiment and I say so.
B. Rodders will be chosen by the following the criteria:
1. If your credit card has an NHRA, NASCAR, GOODGUYS or CART logo on it.
2. If said credit card is maxxed out to the point where the guys at Summit racing garnish your paycheck.
3. If you subscribe to more high performance magazines than a dental office waiting room in the Infield of Indy 500.
4. If your Ex-wife ever stressed you out with the words "If you are gonna be out there all night you might as well sleep with the *&%$*# (Fill in make and model of your rod.)
5. If you think your kids don't need shoes because you need aluminum heads, and besides you promised to drive the kids around in the rod when it's finished. If the above items apply to you, you could be over stressed, over extended and need to participate in this research program. Rodders will be eligible if they have an equal amount of Hot Rods and divorces.
The study will take place in a fully equipped Hot Rod shop...er...laboratory. The ten subjects will work normal hours and live life as they have lived it except they will be forced to spend a MINIMUM of three hours working on the high performance vehicle of their choice. Six days a week. On the seventh day they must put down the tools and go to a rod run, Goodguys event or a street race. All participants will be monitored at all times by electrodes at key points. The temples, the heart, and the finger that always seems to get the knuckle ripped off it. (I hate that finger. I'd like to give that finger the finger.) At the end of a year we will transport all the data to Washington D.C. in the ten coolest government subsidized Rods ever built. Stress free with low cholesterol and looking ten years younger. And since I got the Million I'm paying for the gas.
We all have days when the world takes you to a bad place emotionally. I don't mean "cranky" I mean the days when you actually, just for a second contemplate burying your boss under your house. These are the days when Hot Rodding saves lives. Hot rodding has a quality, a Zen to it that is like trimming a Bonsai tree or planting a garden. You just don't bleed as much trimming a bonsai tree unless you really stink at it. Stress is the number one killer and wrenching on you ride gets rid of aorta plugging tension. Except for the three days before an event when the car is at the upholstery shop, the tranny needs to be rebuilt and you have a dead short you can't find. OK then hot rodding is stress personified. The government needs to do a study, some research. heck if they can buy thousands of six hundred-dollar toilet seats then they can darn sure help us prove that wrenching on your rod will extend your life. Imagine the billions of dollars that are spent on psychiatrists and psychotic drugs. Let's put that money into something that actually makes the world a better place to live in, hot rodding. You'll be cured; put therapists out of business and have a badass ride all in one fell swoop. Even if building the car doesn't relieve stress, laying an eight mile long burnout in a six hundred horsepower rod will definitely make me forget about the inconsiderate buttwad in the 10 items or less supermarket line who has THIRTEEN ITEMS! Breathe Titus, breathe. Also you really old guys won't have to use Viagra if the car is female dogin enough.
I propose we get the government to pay for a "medical" experiment. What the heck, it's an election year. We scare the politicians into thinking we'll vote against them, that way they'll dance the way we tell them to dance. The window of opportunity is short, so let's get on this ASAP! FIRST: we select a group of ten rodders and give them a "Research grant". Now this will only cost approximately two million dollars. I figured hundred thousand per rodder for his Hot rod or "stress relief project" and a million dollar grant for yours truly to take data and monitor the project. (Shut up, it's my idea, I get the Million.) I'm convinced that we can prove that Hot Rodding is the best cancer fighting, stress-killing, weapon known to man. (As long as someone else is paying for it.) When I see my monthly rod expenditure credit card bill, all the veins in my skull turn dark purple and my eyes hemorrhage, so getting the government to pay for this program is a must. It's only 2 million bucks! C'mon, Clinton spent that much on keeping Janet Reno's facial hair trimmed.
Here is my formal proposal. HORSEPOWER IS THERAPY.
A proposal to bring stress relief and peace to the United States in one year.
A. Ten rodders will be chosen to each receive a hundred thousand dollar grant to build a Pre-65 high performance vehicle of AMERICAN make. The cutoff of 1965 was arrived at due to the fact that this is my experiment and I say so.
B. Rodders will be chosen by the following the criteria:
1. If your credit card has an NHRA, NASCAR, GOODGUYS or CART logo on it.
2. If said credit card is maxxed out to the point where the guys at Summit racing garnish your paycheck.
3. If you subscribe to more high performance magazines than a dental office waiting room in the Infield of Indy 500.
4. If your Ex-wife ever stressed you out with the words "If you are gonna be out there all night you might as well sleep with the *&%$*# (Fill in make and model of your rod.)
5. If you think your kids don't need shoes because you need aluminum heads, and besides you promised to drive the kids around in the rod when it's finished. If the above items apply to you, you could be over stressed, over extended and need to participate in this research program. Rodders will be eligible if they have an equal amount of Hot Rods and divorces.
The study will take place in a fully equipped Hot Rod shop...er...laboratory. The ten subjects will work normal hours and live life as they have lived it except they will be forced to spend a MINIMUM of three hours working on the high performance vehicle of their choice. Six days a week. On the seventh day they must put down the tools and go to a rod run, Goodguys event or a street race. All participants will be monitored at all times by electrodes at key points. The temples, the heart, and the finger that always seems to get the knuckle ripped off it. (I hate that finger. I'd like to give that finger the finger.) At the end of a year we will transport all the data to Washington D.C. in the ten coolest government subsidized Rods ever built. Stress free with low cholesterol and looking ten years younger. And since I got the Million I'm paying for the gas.
9/12/04, 01:00 PM
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Titus rocks. He's got great taste in vehicles (Ford guy), and really knows his stuff when it comes to making a car look good and perform nicely. He's pretty funny, too, for a comedian. 
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