The Blight Before Christmas
By Frank Williams

T’was two weeks before Christmas
And all through Detroit,
The car makers were hustling,
But they weren’t too adroit.

They all had such high hopes,
To end up the year,
With a good bottom line
To bring Christmas cheer.

But GM Rick is floundering,
‘Cause his products are stuck,
Way back in the ‘90’s,
He’s plain out of luck.

Poor Chrysler is struggling
To sell what they can.
Doctor Z hasn’t helped them;
Guess he needs a new plan.

Across town at Ford,
All hope’s on Mulally,
But it’s looking quite doubtful
That his sales will soon rally.

Yes, things look quite grim
For the Big Two Point Five,
Yet we all keep on hoping
That they’ll somehow survive.

When Santa hit town,
He just shook his white head.
He scoped out their products
And finally said:

“You know at one time,
American cars stood,
For innovation and change,
And all that was good,

For comfort and style,
And bang for the buck.
Now all I can see,
Are ladder frame trucks.

There’s front wheel drive Jeeps,
And Fords rebadged as Lincoln.
A Cadillac truck?
What have you been drinkin’?

The pistonheads begged me,
To come help all you guys.
I’ll do what I can,
But you must realize-

You’re in pretty deep;
There are no magic pills,
Just hard work and focus,
And leave off the frills.

You’ve let the beancounters
Make every decision;
Your products are suffering,
You need a new vision.

You’ve too many products,
You’ve spread yourselves thin,
Trying to cover all markets,
It’s time to reel in.

Platform sharing’s just fine,
It can help control costs,
But stop badge engineering,
To regain what you’ve lost.

Stay true to your brands
With unique product lines;
Make each vehicle distinct
And you’ll all do just fine.”

Then all three of them huddled
To discuss what they’d heard.
Could this be the answer?
They thought it absurd.

“No way!” they all said,
As they talked ‘mongst themselves.
“What could this guy know?
He should go back to his elves!”

So they told Santa “Leave!
And get out of this place,
We know more than you;
Now get out of our face!”

He shook his head sadly
As he climbed on his sleigh;
He just couldn’t believe them,
Then they all heard him say

“I gave it my best shot,
I tried what I could,
What you get, you deserve.
And you’ll get what you should.

My last bit of advice,
Since you don’t know what class is;
Get your big swelled heads out
Of your dumb corporate azzes!”