JOKE
5/4/05 | 12:35 PM
#1
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A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room, waiting for the doctor to come in for the baby's first exam. The doctor arrived, examined the baby, checked his weight, and being a little concerned, asked if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed.
"Breast-fed" she replied. "Well, strip down to your waist," the doctor ordered. She did. He pinched her nipples, then pressed, kneaded, and rubbed both breasts for a while in a detailed examination.
Motioning to her to get dressed, he said, "No wonder this baby is underweight. You don't have any milk." "I know," she said, "I'm his Grandma, but I'm sure glad I came!"
5/4/05 | 12:53 PM
#4
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Originally posted by ALLMINE65@May 4, 2005, 12:44 PM
I didn't see that coming! Very funny, thanks for the laugh.
I didn't see that coming! Very funny, thanks for the laugh.
me either!! LOL I just got it in an email, and I actually laffed out loud! Figured it was good enuff to share!
5/4/05 | 01:14 PM
#7
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OOOO OOO I got another one:
>Sunday Morning Sex
>
>
>Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie
>went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95 year-old
>grandmother and comfort her.
>
>When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied,
>"He had a heart attack while we were making love on
>Sunday morning."
>
>Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years
old
>having sex would surely be asking for trouble.
>
>Oh no, my dear," replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our
>advanced age, we figured out the
>best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring.
>
>It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too
>strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong."
>
>She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued, "he'd still be alive if
>the ice cream truck hadn't come along,"
>Sunday Morning Sex
>
>
>Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie
>went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95 year-old
>grandmother and comfort her.
>
>When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied,
>"He had a heart attack while we were making love on
>Sunday morning."
>
>Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years
old
>having sex would surely be asking for trouble.
>
>Oh no, my dear," replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our
>advanced age, we figured out the
>best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring.
>
>It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too
>strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong."
>
>She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued, "he'd still be alive if
>the ice cream truck hadn't come along,"
5/4/05 | 01:14 PM
#8
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Originally posted by Fordracing200@May 4, 2005, 1:16 PM
i have a good joke i am gonna pm Andy, it isnt site appropriate so...
i have a good joke i am gonna pm Andy, it isnt site appropriate so...
OK But Andy, you better PM it to me if its funny! LOL
I got your car..... remember!?! LOL
5/4/05 | 01:32 PM
#10
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Originally posted by Fordracing200@May 4, 2005, 1:30 PM
i will send u it Lynell, its funnier than heck
i will send u it Lynell, its funnier than heck
OMG you're right... it was hilarious!!! Il ove snappy jokes like that...
5/4/05 | 01:42 PM
#12
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heres a joke
A woman was leaving a convenience store with her morning coffee when she noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery. A long black hearse was followed by a second long black hearse about 50 feet behind the first one. Behind the second hearse was a solitary woman walking a pit bull on a leash. Behind her, a short distance back, were about 200 women walking single file. The woman couldn't stand her curiosity. She respectfully approached the woman walking the dog and said, "I am so sorry for your loss, and I know now is a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this. Whose funeral is it?"
“My husband's."
"What happened to him?"
The woman replied, "My dog attacked and killed him."
She inquired further, "Well, who is in the second hearse?"
The woman answered, "My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my husband when the dog turned on her." A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passed between the two women, "Can I borrow the dog?"
"Get in line."
A woman was leaving a convenience store with her morning coffee when she noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery. A long black hearse was followed by a second long black hearse about 50 feet behind the first one. Behind the second hearse was a solitary woman walking a pit bull on a leash. Behind her, a short distance back, were about 200 women walking single file. The woman couldn't stand her curiosity. She respectfully approached the woman walking the dog and said, "I am so sorry for your loss, and I know now is a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this. Whose funeral is it?"
“My husband's."
"What happened to him?"
The woman replied, "My dog attacked and killed him."
She inquired further, "Well, who is in the second hearse?"
The woman answered, "My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my husband when the dog turned on her." A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passed between the two women, "Can I borrow the dog?"
"Get in line."
5/4/05 | 01:49 PM
#13
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This is why you can't send a woman to a hardware store....
Bubba was fixing a door and he found that he needed a new hinge, so he sent his wife Mary Louise to the hardware store. At the hardware store Mary Louise saw a beautiful teapot on a top shelf while she was waiting for Joe Bob, the manager, to finish waiting on a customer.
When Joe Bob was finished, Mary Louise asked how much for the teapot. Joe Bob replied,"That's silver and it costs $100!" My goodness that sure is lotta money!" Mary Louise exclaimed. Then she proceeded to describe the hinge that Bubba had sent her to buy, and Joe Bob went to the backroom to find it. From the backroom Joe Bob yelled,"Mary Louise, you wanna screw for that hinge?"
To which Mary Louise replied,"No, but I will for the teapot."
Bubba was fixing a door and he found that he needed a new hinge, so he sent his wife Mary Louise to the hardware store. At the hardware store Mary Louise saw a beautiful teapot on a top shelf while she was waiting for Joe Bob, the manager, to finish waiting on a customer.
When Joe Bob was finished, Mary Louise asked how much for the teapot. Joe Bob replied,"That's silver and it costs $100!" My goodness that sure is lotta money!" Mary Louise exclaimed. Then she proceeded to describe the hinge that Bubba had sent her to buy, and Joe Bob went to the backroom to find it. From the backroom Joe Bob yelled,"Mary Louise, you wanna screw for that hinge?"
To which Mary Louise replied,"No, but I will for the teapot."
5/4/05 | 01:51 PM
#14
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The Blonde and the Casino:
Two bored casino dealers are waiting at the crap table. A very attractive blonde woman arrived and bet twenty thousand dollars ($20,000) on a single roll of the dice.
She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude."With that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and yelled, "Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!" As the dice came to a stop she jumped up and down and squealed..."YES! YES! I WON, I WON!"
She hugged each of the dealers and then picked up her winnings and her clothes and quickly departed. The dealers stared at each other dumfounded. Finally, one of them asked,"What did she roll?" The other answered, "I don't
know -I thought you were watching."
Moral - Not all blondes are dumb, but all men are men
Two bored casino dealers are waiting at the crap table. A very attractive blonde woman arrived and bet twenty thousand dollars ($20,000) on a single roll of the dice.
She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude."With that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and yelled, "Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!" As the dice came to a stop she jumped up and down and squealed..."YES! YES! I WON, I WON!"
She hugged each of the dealers and then picked up her winnings and her clothes and quickly departed. The dealers stared at each other dumfounded. Finally, one of them asked,"What did she roll?" The other answered, "I don't
know -I thought you were watching."
Moral - Not all blondes are dumb, but all men are men
5/4/05 | 01:51 PM
#15
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Originally posted by Fordracing200@May 4, 2005, 1:52 PM
This is why you can't send a woman to a hardware store....
Bubba was fixing a door and he found that he needed a new hinge, so he sent his wife Mary Louise to the hardware store. At the hardware store Mary Louise saw a beautiful teapot on a top shelf while she was waiting for Joe Bob, the manager, to finish waiting on a customer.
When Joe Bob was finished, Mary Louise asked how much for the teapot. Joe Bob replied,"That's silver and it costs $100!" My goodness that sure is lotta money!" Mary Louise exclaimed. Then she proceeded to describe the hinge that Bubba had sent her to buy, and Joe Bob went to the backroom to find it. From the backroom Joe Bob yelled,"Mary Louise, you wanna screw for that hinge?"
To which Mary Louise replied,"No, but I will for the teapot."
This is why you can't send a woman to a hardware store....
Bubba was fixing a door and he found that he needed a new hinge, so he sent his wife Mary Louise to the hardware store. At the hardware store Mary Louise saw a beautiful teapot on a top shelf while she was waiting for Joe Bob, the manager, to finish waiting on a customer.
When Joe Bob was finished, Mary Louise asked how much for the teapot. Joe Bob replied,"That's silver and it costs $100!" My goodness that sure is lotta money!" Mary Louise exclaimed. Then she proceeded to describe the hinge that Bubba had sent her to buy, and Joe Bob went to the backroom to find it. From the backroom Joe Bob yelled,"Mary Louise, you wanna screw for that hinge?"
To which Mary Louise replied,"No, but I will for the teapot."
5/4/05 | 01:54 PM
#16
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heres another
One day the mother of two girls and one boy decides she is going to make a pot of stew for dinner tonight for the kids.So mom begins adding ingredients she reaches up above the pot to grab some seasonings and knocks over a can of her son Jimmies BB's. Well the lid comes off and some BB's go into the pot of stew mystified the mom figures since they are so small and have some weight to them they will merely sink to the bottom and everything will be ok. So later that night mom serves the kids the stew and waits patiently as they all eat. Everyone finishes with no complaints or BB's Showing up so she figures all is well. The next day while getting ready for work one of the girls comes running into her room yelling momma momma I just went to the bathroom and I peed a BB the mom says it's ok I spilled some in the stew yesterday while making it. A couple minutes later the other daughter comes yelling the same thing momma momma I just peed a BB again mom explains what happen. So off to work she goes praying she does not get a call from school about Jimmie peeing a BB. So mom comes home from work and starts making dinner when all of a sudden Jimmie comes running in the house yelling MOMMA MOMMA and the mom say yes Jimmie I know you peed a BB Jimmie says no mom no I was out in the backyard jacking off and I shot the dog!
One day the mother of two girls and one boy decides she is going to make a pot of stew for dinner tonight for the kids.So mom begins adding ingredients she reaches up above the pot to grab some seasonings and knocks over a can of her son Jimmies BB's. Well the lid comes off and some BB's go into the pot of stew mystified the mom figures since they are so small and have some weight to them they will merely sink to the bottom and everything will be ok. So later that night mom serves the kids the stew and waits patiently as they all eat. Everyone finishes with no complaints or BB's Showing up so she figures all is well. The next day while getting ready for work one of the girls comes running into her room yelling momma momma I just went to the bathroom and I peed a BB the mom says it's ok I spilled some in the stew yesterday while making it. A couple minutes later the other daughter comes yelling the same thing momma momma I just peed a BB again mom explains what happen. So off to work she goes praying she does not get a call from school about Jimmie peeing a BB. So mom comes home from work and starts making dinner when all of a sudden Jimmie comes running in the house yelling MOMMA MOMMA and the mom say yes Jimmie I know you peed a BB Jimmie says no mom no I was out in the backyard jacking off and I shot the dog!
5/4/05 | 02:03 PM
#17
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A couple has a dog that snores. Annoyed because she can't sleep, the Wife goes to the vet to see if he can help. The vet tells the woman to tie a ribbon around the dog's ********* and he will stop snoring. "Yeah right!" she says.
A few minutes after going to bed, the dog begins snoring as usual. The wife tosses and turns, unable to sleep. Muttering to herself, she goes to the closet and grabs a piece of red ribbon and ties it carefully around the dog's *********. Sure enough, the dog stops snoring. Then later that night, her husband returns home drunk from being out with his buddies. He climbs into bed, falls asleep, and begins snoring loudly.
The woman thinks maybe the ribbon will work on him. So she goes to the closet again, grabs a piece of blue ribbon, and ties it around her husband's *********. Amazingly, it also works on him! The woman sleeps soundly.
Later that night, he awakes from a drunken stupor and stumbles into the bathroom. As he stands in front of the toilet, he glances in the mirror and sees a blue ribbon attached to his privates. He is very confused, and as he walks back into the bedroom, he sees a red ribbon attached to his dog's *********.
He shakes his head and looks at the dog and says, "I don't know where we were Max, or what we did, but, by God, we got first and second place!
A few minutes after going to bed, the dog begins snoring as usual. The wife tosses and turns, unable to sleep. Muttering to herself, she goes to the closet and grabs a piece of red ribbon and ties it carefully around the dog's *********. Sure enough, the dog stops snoring. Then later that night, her husband returns home drunk from being out with his buddies. He climbs into bed, falls asleep, and begins snoring loudly.
The woman thinks maybe the ribbon will work on him. So she goes to the closet again, grabs a piece of blue ribbon, and ties it around her husband's *********. Amazingly, it also works on him! The woman sleeps soundly.
Later that night, he awakes from a drunken stupor and stumbles into the bathroom. As he stands in front of the toilet, he glances in the mirror and sees a blue ribbon attached to his privates. He is very confused, and as he walks back into the bedroom, he sees a red ribbon attached to his dog's *********.
He shakes his head and looks at the dog and says, "I don't know where we were Max, or what we did, but, by God, we got first and second place!
5/4/05 | 02:07 PM
#18
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Buying a used rental car is worse than going to the house of ill repute looking for a wife, something that has been driven that many times, that hard, by that many people, u just dont wanna put your key in it.
5/4/05 | 02:08 PM
#19
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Originally posted by southern_stang_girlee@May 4, 2005, 1:38 PM
A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room, waiting for the doctor to come in for the baby's first exam. The doctor arrived, examined the baby, checked his weight, and being a little concerned, asked if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed.
"Breast-fed" she replied. "Well, strip down to your waist," the doctor ordered. She did. He pinched her nipples, then pressed, kneaded, and rubbed both breasts for a while in a detailed examination.
Motioning to her to get dressed, he said, "No wonder this baby is underweight. You don't have any milk." "I know," she said, "I'm his Grandma, but I'm sure glad I came!"
A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room, waiting for the doctor to come in for the baby's first exam. The doctor arrived, examined the baby, checked his weight, and being a little concerned, asked if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed.
"Breast-fed" she replied. "Well, strip down to your waist," the doctor ordered. She did. He pinched her nipples, then pressed, kneaded, and rubbed both breasts for a while in a detailed examination.
Motioning to her to get dressed, he said, "No wonder this baby is underweight. You don't have any milk." "I know," she said, "I'm his Grandma, but I'm sure glad I came!"