ok guys, i will tell you all the situation... and i really need some advice...

my father in law is the alcoholic.

ten years ago, he had to be hospitalized, almost died because of liver failure. he joined AA, started working out.. yada yada... and got all better. did not touch beer in 10 years in fear of losing his life. he also was married with 2 10 year old daughters at the time...

NOW.... last year, his wife left him, then a couple months later, his father in law died (very close to him) then a couple months later his dad died (his closest and only friend in a lot of ways)

then last summer he got very attached to our son, and our son passed away.
he is only high school educated, and worked at a metal fab place until october, when he lost his job.

some time this last summer his drinking picked up a lot... he owns a house about 20 miles away from us (wife and I) and he started living with us... we asked him to stay with us cause its lonely all by himself where he lives and our son is buried near by, he used to stop every time he drove by....

so he drinks on his way to our house... like 4-5-6-7 beers if he can, throws the emptys out the window, then shows up sober and all the beer kicks in..
well then he got hurt at work twice, small injuries, but started having withdrawel at work and not doing his job very well.... got hammered one day before work and they wanted to test him, he quit on the spot.

so... we asked him to stay with us all the time (so he could not drive) took his keys and wallet, and kept him locked down. he volunteered to let us help and do whatever it takes.... his withdrawel got so bad we took him to the ER, he had to stay for 3 days.... after that we kept him clean for over a month... started letting him drive after about 3 weeks or so...and started trusting him with cash here and there...

everything was going good till about christmas day... he drank, probably 3-4 beers, and it was obvious. we confronted him and he totally denied it. we dropped it.

now... im out of town, and he has drank for 3 straight days.... we threatened to take his stuff away again and if he did not stop we would send him off to this place in california (rehab place with an immediate opening)

the problem is: we are afraid for his health, he is not a cool guy when he drinks, he cant control himself, he sneaks around and steals money, goes for long drives and drinks, then totally denies it, has crappy hangovers the next day, unmotivated to try to get another job.. the list goes on.

what do we do? we are having a baby in 9 months and my wife and I cant take it. we have already talked about it and we both have made it clear that our marriage and our kids come first... so she will do what it takes... but what do we do?

we are both at the point of just telling him to go to the rehab place or just get the hell out and deal with it on his own.. but we know he will just drink himself to death.... when he lost his job he had been drinking all his meals for over a week.

he has admitted he is depressed (his doctor prescribed anti-depressants, and they are helping) but he is still very unmotivated and untrustworthy... we are getting fed up. we just dont know what to do about it any more... every time we leave the house we are afraid he will just drink again...

thanks you guys for any advice... and thanks for reading all this and responding.

 

i was very short with all this, there are more details i just tried to get the main ones and not write a friggin novel

 

Sorry to hear that. You and your wife are kind people to help this person. Here is a site that offers advice. I would try but I think you need professional advice.

http://www.thewatershed.com/?gclid=C...FQcZHgodlkvGQA

 

Having family who has struggled with addiction, one thing is clear. Nothing will ever improve unless he wants things to change. Not just say he wants to, but really want to and be motivated to do so. He needs consequences - IMO - without them I've never seen anyone change.

Best of luck to you, your wife, and especially him.

 

i have done a lot of research and talked to a lot of people so far... and most sources say to do the opposite of what we are doing

they say not to intervene drastically and not to save them... let them get as bad as they will and be there to support them when they realize its time for help...

we just know if we hadnt stopped him before he would have kept it up and may not have been alive right now...

he has talked to a psych about it (thats how he got the anti depressants) but he takes no incentive, we have to set it all up and make sure he goes...

im afraid he is on a down hill slide again and it will just get exponentially worse every day....

im afraid to get home on the 12th and see how bad he has gotten.
he made so much progress in the last month and i just wont stand around and watch him slide again, i cant take that. my wife and i just cant babysit him any longer

 

we have told him he has got to quit or its gonna kill him, he just keeps on doing it. he has expressed that he doesnt care about his life. we have threatened to kick him out and send him places (rehab) but he just keeps doing it

he did not mention suicide, we did confront him about it, and it did not seem to be a possibility, but if he just gets worse i dont know what he will do

 

Seems he had success with AA previously.
Can you contact his previous sponsor (or a local chapter) and have them talk to him about getting back into AA?

 

He needs something to live for....try and help him find it.

 

I know this is not what you want to hear.
Send him away to rehab.
He will not change until he is ready.
Tell him he can come back when he is ready.
Remember...
You can help, but it is his problem.

 

were trying to get him back to aa, but he is just unmotivated and does not really care....
he says he will go, but it doesnt happen

 

we are gonna give him an ultimatem
stop now, and go to AA, or get out on your own.

if he drinks after that, then we will just have to send him away.
if he does not go to rehab, and keeps drinking we will have to wait until he gets hurt or does something stupid, then just have him committed.

crappy as it seems, we have run out of options and for the sake of our marriage we cant deal with him drinking any more

 

Hi Nate. Unfortunately I too have been in a similar situation. No point going into details, as I'm sure you've experienced all of them yourself. I would agree with those who are saying let him get as bad as he is going to get - he is going to have to hit rock bottom before he makes a change. Rock bottom means different things to different people, but it sounds to me like living in your house is not rock bottom for him. IMO he needs to be given 2 choices, both of which should be arranged before hand, along with a packed suitcase: a) long term in-house rehab facility or b) a hotel room, making it clear your house is NOT one of the choices. As hard as it is, you are not abandoning him. But you guys HAVE to let go. You can't solve the problem anyway, it's just not possible.

ALANON was a great help to me, a GREAT help, in that they enabled me to take a step back out of the situation and make some rational decisions. It's difficult when you're involved, especially emotionally, to see clearly and think rationally.

I hope things turn out, I hope he goes into long term rehab. Sounds like that's what he needs, not just for the alcohol but for the underlying issues too.

And let me just get this out: I HATE ALCOHOL. I really do.

 

If you were my brother, you would have my support in that decision.

 

A rehab facility sounds like the only way.... because he is committing suicide only slower. I wish I could give you some advice and it is easier to say than to do but even if the decisions are hard (and they will be) you guys need to to whats best for all of you. You guys have been through a lot this last year and I'm praying for you. Stay strong....

 

My Father in law died from being an alcoholic. I say send him to rehab.

 

Exactly.


That said, i hope everything goes good for him. i bet he's a great man when he's sober

 

well since i have been gone....

he has drank 4 out of 5 days... and then my wife told him to choose the beer and get out, or chose his family and get help

he ended up leaving when she was in the shower, then got arrested an hour and a half away from home... somewhere in missouri.

im not sure whats gonna happen to him now. they picked him up for drunk driving.

 

I think since the law has him, as hard as it is, you need to let due process carry out here. He could have killed someone while driving. I have experience on both sides of the fence here... he has to realize that what he is doing affects others and if having him behind bars is the only safe recourse for the public at large, then he must remain there until he is willing to change his actions.

This will be painful for you and your wife, but watching him sit in jail for the rest of his life for man slaughter would be worse.

My best to you all!

-danny

 

i really have no problem letting him sit in jail. he earned it and we tried to help him.

its really hard on my wife, but im trying to get her to understand it may take him to get to rock bottom before he starts to come back up

 

When i was reading the earlier posts i was going to say something about drunk driving. I know its an extremely difficult and emotional situation for your family so i say this with all due respect, but its good that hes in jail. It wouldnt be right if his trip to rock bottom involved killing innocent people and people like that cant be running around with a loaded gun.