southern_stang_girlee

Tips on where the driver is from:




One hand on wheel, one hand on horn: New York

One hand on wheel, one finger out window: Chicago

One hand on wheel, one hand on newspaper, foot solidly on accelerator: Boston

One hand on wheel, cradling cell phone,brick on accelerator: California

With gun in lap: L.A.

Both hands on wheel, eyes shut, both feet on brake, quivering in terror: Ohio, but driving in California.

Both hands in air, gesturing, both feet on accelerator, head turned to talk to someone in back seat: Italy

One hand on latte, one knee on wheel, cradling cell phone, foot on brake, mind on game: Seattle

One hand on wheel, one hand on hunting rifle, alternating between both feet being on the accelerator and both on the brake, throwing a McDonalds bag out the window: Texas city male

One hand on wheel, one hand hanging out the window, keeping speed steadily at 70mph, driving down the center of the road unless coming around a blind curve, in which case they are on the left side of the road: Texas country male

One hand constantly refocusing the rear-view mirror to show different angles of the BIG hair, one hand going between mousse, brush, and rat-tail to keep the helmet hair going, both feet on the accelerator, poodle steering the car, chrome .38 revolver with mother of pearl inlaid handle in the glove compartment: Texas female

Both hands on steering wheel in a relaxed posture, eyes constantly checking the rear-view mirror to watch for visible emissions from their own or another's car: Colorado

One hand on steering wheel, yelling obscenities, the other hand waving gun out the window and firing repeatedly, keeping a careful eye out for landmarks along the way so as to be able to come back and pick up any bullets that didn't hit other motorists so as not to litter: Colorado resident on spotting a car with Texas plate.

Four wheel drive pickup truck, shotgun mounted in rear window, beer cans on floor, squirrel tails attached to antenna: West Virginia male.

Two hands gripping wheel, blue hair barely visible above window level, driving 35 on the interstate in the left lane with the left blinker on: Florida "seasoned citizen" driver, also known as "no-see-um"

pony_up

The Four Cats...

Four men were bragging about how smart their cats are.


The first man was an Engineer, the second man was an Accountant, the third man was a Chemist, the fourth was a Government Employee.

To show off, the Engineer called to his cat, "Tsquare, do your stuff." Tsquare pranced over to a desk, took out some paper and a pen and promptly drew a circle, a square, and a triangle. Everyone agreed that was pretty smart.

But the Accountant said his cat could do better. He called his cat and said, "Spreadsheet, do your stuff." Spreadsheet went out into the kitchen and returned with a dozen cookies. He divided them into 4 equal piles of 3 cookies each. Everyone agreed that was good.

But the Chemist said his cat could do better. He called his cat and said, "Measure, do your stuff." Measure got up, walked over to the fridge, took out a quart of milk, got a 10 ounce glass from the cupboard and poured exactly 8 ounces without spilling a drop. Everyone agreed that was good.

Then the three men turned to the Government Employee and said, "What can your cat do?". The Government Worker called to his cat and said, "CoffeeBreak, do your stuff." Coffee Break jumped to his feet, ate the cookies, drank the milk, crapped on the paper, screwed the other three cats, claimed he injured his back while doing so, filed a grievance report for unsafe working conditions, put in for Workers Compensation and went home for the rest of the day on sick leave...

pony_up

2005 CALIFORNIA DRIVER'S LICENSE APPLICATION

This is a new Driving Exam. Since driving conditions (and culture) are unique to California, you may not have realized that the California Department of Motor Vehicles has now issued a special application and driver's test solely for the California area.

2005 CALIFORNIA DRIVER'S LICENSE APPLICATION

Name: ___________________ Stage Name: __________________
Agent: ___________________ Attorney: ____________________
Therapist's Name: _________________

Sex: [ ] Male [ ] Female*[ ] Formerly Male [ ] Formerly Female [ ] Both


*If female, indicate breast implant size: _______
Will the size of your implants hinder your ability to safely operate a motor vehicle in any way? [ ] Yes [ ] No

Please list brand of cell phone: ________.

If you don't own a cell phone, please explain why you don't:
______________________________________________
(Use extra pages, if necessary)

Please check hair color:
Females: [ ] Blonde [ ] Platinum Blonde
Teenagers: [ ] Red [ ] Orange [ ] Green [ ] Purple [ ] Blue [ ]
Skinhead [ ] Other ___________

Please check activities you perform while driving: (Check all that apply)
[ ] Eating
[ ] Drinking Starbucks coffee
[ ] Applying make-up
[ ] Shaving (male or female)
[X] Talking on the phone (already checked for your convenience)
[ ] Lifting weights
[ ] Slapping kids in the back-seat
[ ] Applying cellulite treatment to thighs
[ ] Tanning
[ ] Snorting cocaine
[ ] Watching TV
[ ] Reading Variety
[ ] Surfing the net via laptop
[ ] Discharging firearms / reloading

Please indicate how many times, while driving, you expect to:
[ ] a) Shoot at other drivers ___
[ ] B) Be shot at ___

If you are the victim of a carjacking, you should immediately:
[ ] a) Call the police to report the crime.
[ ] B) Call Channel 9 News to report the crime, then watch your car on the news in a high- speed chase.
[ ] c) Call your attorney and discuss lawsuit against cellular phone company for your 911 call not going through.
[ ] d) Call your therapist.

In the event of an earthquake, you should:
[ ] a) Stop your car.
[ ] B) Keep driving and hope for the best.
[ ] c) Immediately use your cell phone to call all loved ones.
[ ] d) Pull out your video camera and obtain footage for Channel 9.

In the instance of rain, you should:
[ ] a) Never drive over 5 MPH.
[ ] B) Drive twice as fast as usual.
[ ] c) You're not sure what "rain" is.

Please indicate your current number of therapy sessions per week: ________

Are you presently taking any of the following medications?
[ ] a) Prozac
[ ] B) Zovirax
[ ] c) Lithium
[ ] d) Zanax
[ ] e) Valium
[ ] f) Medical pot
[ ] g) Zoloft
[ ] h) All of the above
[ ] i) None of the above*

*If none, please explain: __________________.

Length of daily commute:
[ ] a) Less than 1 hour*
[ ] B) 1 hour
[ ] c) 2 hours
[ ] d) 3 hours
[ ] e) 4 hours or more

*If less than 1 hour, please explain: ____________________.

When stopped by police, you should:
[ ] a) Pull over and have your driver's license and insurance form ready.
[ ] B) Try to outrun them by driving the wrong way on the freeway.
[ ] c) Have your video camera ready and provoke them to attack, thus
ensuring yourself of a hefty lawsuit profit.

When you see a woman driver with her arm extended out the window, it
means:
[ ] a) Her turn-signals are broken.
[ ] B) She is giving an indication she intends to change lanes.
[ ] c) She is drying her nails.

Which part of your car will wear out first?
[ ] a) The wiper blades
[ ] B) The seat belts
[ ] c) The horn

Automatic door locks are good for:
[ ] a) Security
[ ] B) Convenience
[ ] c) Messing with the heads of people trying to get in.

The "bright" setting on your headlights is for:
[ ] a) Dark, poorly lit roads
[ ] B) Flashing to get the car ahead to move out of the way
[ ] c) Revenge

If you are over the age of 75, you do not have to complete this test, you are entitled to drive even if you cannot see, hear, or move.

cntchds

something just like that happened at my church, the preist came into the congrigation during the homily and asked where jesus is, and a little girl said he lives in my bathroom, the preist looks confused and said why do you think he lives there? and she said I'm not sure but every morning my daddy yells Jesus christ could you hurry up in there. needless to say i started going to church more often, though there havent been any more occurances...

cntchds

OMG that is so true! haha you have to live in cali to get that o man that is now gonna be goin to everyone on my adress book

future9er24

how true.... lol

EleanorsMine

Men &women complement each other by the unique traits we were each given:


WOMEN:

Women have strengths that amaze men.

They carry children, they carry hardships, they carry burdens,
but they hold happiness, love and joy.

They smile when they want to scream.

They sing when they want to cry.

They cry when they are happy and laugh when they are nervous.

Women wait by the phone for a "safe at home call" from a friend after a
snowy drive home.

They fight for what they believe in and they stand up
against injustice.

They walk and talk the extra mile to get their children in the right
schools and to get their family the right health care.

They go to the doctor with a frightened friend.

Women are honest, loyal and forgiving.

They are smart, knowing that knowledge is power.

But they still know how to use their softer side to make a point.

Women want to be the best for their family &their friends and
themselves.

Their hearts break when a friend dies.

They have sorrow at the loss of a family member,
yet they are strong when they think there is no strength left.

They drive, fly, walk, run or e-mail you to show how much they care
about you.

The heart of a woman is what makes the world spin!

Women do more than just give birth.

They bring joy and hope.

They give compassion and ideals.

They give moral support to their family and friends and all they want
back is a hug, a smile and for you to do the same to people you come in
contact with.

MEN:

Men are good at lifting heavy stuff and killing bugs.

jgsmuzzy

An old man, a boy & a donkey were going
to town. The boy rode on the donkey &
the old man walked. As they went along
they passed some people who remarked
it was a shame the old man was walking
& the boy was riding. The man & boy
thought maybe the critics were right,
so they changed positions.



Later, they passed some people that remarked,
"What a shame, he makes that little boy walk."
They then decided they both
would walk! Soon they passed some
more people who thought they were
stupid to walk when they had a decent
donkey to ride. So, they both rode the donkey.



Now they passed some people that
shamed them by saying how awful to put
such a load on a poor donkey.
The boy & man said they were
probably right, so they decided
to carry the donkey. As
they crossed the bridge, they lost
their grip on the animal & he fell
into the river and drowned.



The moral of the story?
If you try to please everyone, you might as well...


Kiss your a$$ good-bye.

future9er24

EleanorsMine

One day when the teacher walked to the black board, she noticed someone handwritten the word '*****' in tiny small letters.
She turned around, scanned the class looking for the guilty face. Finding none, she quickly erased it, and began her class.

The next day she went into the room, and she saw, in larger letters, the word '*****' again on the black board.

Again, she looked around in vain for the culprit, but found none, so she proceeded with the day's lesson.

Every morning, for about a week, she went into the classroom and found the same word written on the board, each day's word, larger than the previous day's word.

Finally, one day, she walked in, expecting to be greeted by the same word on the board, but instead, found the words,

'The more you rub it, the bigger it gets!'

EleanorsMine

My name is, Paul...
Let me relate how I handled the situation with my wife, Sue. When I was laid off from my consulting job and took "early retirement" in April, it became necessaryfor Sue to get a full-time job, both for extra income and for the health benefits that we needed.
Shortly after she started working I noticed she was beginning to show her age. I usually get home from the Golf Course about the same time she gets home from work. Although she knows how hungry I am, she almost always says she has to rest for half an hour or so before she starts dinner. I don't yell at her. Instead, I tell her to take her time and just wake me when she gets dinner on the table. I generally have lunch in the Men's Grill at the club so eating out is not reasonable. I'm ready for some home cooked grub when I hit that door...

She used to do the dishes as soon as we finished eating. But now, it's not unusual for them to sit on the table for several hours after dinner. I do what I can by diplomatically reminding her several times each evening that they won't clean themselves. I know she appreciates this, as it does seem to motivate her to get them done before she goes to bed. I really think my old business as a consultant helps a lot. I consider telling people what they ought to do one of my strong points...

And speaking of bed, her age really shows up there. I go out and golf all day, come in dead tired and after a two hour nap and a good meal, I'm ready, if you know what I mean Age has gotten her so bad that she actually dozes off during lovemaking But that's okay. Her satisfaction in that area is important to a sensitive guy like me and if she enjoys sleeping during our little trysts, what the hey...

Now that she has gotten older, she does seem to get tired so much more quickly. Our washer and dryer are in the basement. Sometimes she says she just can't make another trip down those steps. I don't make a big issue of this; as she finishes up the laundry the next evening, I'm willing to overlook it. Not only that, but unless I need something ironed to wear to the Monday lodge meeting, or to Wednesday's or Saturday's poker club, or to Tuesday's or Thursday's bowling, or something like that, I will tell her to wait until the next evening to do the ironing. This gives her a little more time to do some of those odds and ends like shampooing the dog, vacuuming or dusting... Also, if I had a really good day on the course and it was wet and muddy my clubs are a mess, so I let her clean them, you know.....get the grit off the grips and a little light Brillo on the club faces at a casual pace. My golf bag is heavy so I lift it out of the trunk for her. Women are delicate, have weak wrists and can't lift heavy stuff as good as men. But I did tell her I don't like to be wakened during my after golf nap, so rather then bother me, she can put them back in the trunk when she's finished.

Another symptom of aging is complaining, I think. For example, she will say that it is difficult for her to find time to pay the monthly bills during her lunch hour. But boys, we take em for better or worse, so I just smile and offer encouragement. I tell her to stretch it out over two or even three days. That way she won't have to rush so much. I also remind her that missing lunch completely now and then wouldn't hurt her any (if you know what I mean). I like to think tact is one of my strong points.

When doing simple jobs, she seems to think she needs more rest periods. She had to take a break when she was only half finished mowing the yard. I try not to make a scene.

I'm a fair man. I tell her to fix herself a nice, big, cold glass of freshly squeezed lemonade and just sit for a while. And, as long as she is making one for herself, she may as well make one for me too, then take her break by my hammock. That way she can talk with me until I fall asleep.

I know that I probably look like a saint in the way I support Sue. I'm not saying that showing this much consideration is easy. Many men will find it difficult. Some will find it impossible! Nobody knows better than I do, how frustrating women get as they get older.

However, guys, even if you just use a little more tact and less criticism of your aging wife because of this article, I will consider that writing it was well worthwhile. After all, we are put on this earth to help each other...

Paul

EDITOR'S NOTE:
Paul died suddenly Thursday, June 3. He was found with a Calloway extra long 50 inch Big Bertha Driver rammed up his rectum with only 2 inches of grip showing. His wife Sue was arrested, but the Grand Jury accepted her defense that he accidentally sat on it and she was released on Friday.

hispony

I've saved this for years.

-------------------------------

Are you tired of all those mushy "friendship" poems that always sound good but never actually come close to reality?
Well, here is a "friendship" poem that really speaks to true friendship and truth itself!

My Friend:
When you are sad, ...I will get you drunk and help you plot revenge against the sorry bastard who made you sad.
When you are blue, ...I'll try to dislodge whatever is choking you.
When you smile, ...I'll know you finally got some.
When you are scared, ...I will rag you about it every chance I get.
When you are worried, ...I will tell you horrible stories about how much worse it could be and to quit whining.
When you are confused, ...I will use little words to explain it to your dumb hiney.
When you are sick, ...stay away from me until you're well again. I don't want whatever you have.
When you fall, ...I will point and laugh at your clumsy hiney.
This is my oath, ...I pledge till the end. Why you may ask?
Because you're my friend!
Send this poem to ten of your closest friends.
Get depressed because you realize you only have 2 friends, and one of them is not speaking to you right now anyway.

poldrv

Ed Zachary
>
>
> A woman was very distraught over the fact that she had not had a date or
sex
> for over 5 years. She was afraid she might have something wrong with her,
so
> she decided to seek the medical expertise of the well known Chinese sex
> therapist, Dr. Chang.
>
>
> Upon entering the examination room, Dr. Chang said, "OK, take off all your
> crose." The woman did as she was told. "Now, get down and craw reery,
reery
> fass to odderside of room." Again, the woman did as she was instructed.
Dr.
> Chang then said, "OK, now craw reery, reery fass back to me." As she did,
> Dr. Chang shook his head slowly. "Your probrem vewy bad.
>
> You haf Ed Zachary Disease. Worse case I ever see. Dat why you not haf sex
> or dates."
>
>
> The woman asked anxiously, "Oh my God, Dr. Chang, what is Ed Zachary
> Disease?"
>
>
>
> Dr. Chang sighed deeply and replied, "Ed Zachary Disease is when your Face
> look Ed Zachary like your hiney
>
>
>
>

ISELLFORD

You might be a redneck if 1. you think a woman is out of your league because she bowls on a different night than you, 2. you think getting the dishwasher loaded means getting the wife/girlfriend drunk, 3. Your womans hairdoo has been destroyed by a ceiling fan, 4. You have been married three times but still have the same inlaws, 5. you want to get married to your woman but there is a law against it, 6. if a tornado hits your home and causes ten thousand dollars worth of improvement, 7. Your toilet paper sheets are numbered, 8. you think Dom Perignon is a mafia boss, 9. Your son looks like your twin brothers, 10. someone hollars 'hoe down' and your girlfriend hits the floor. 11. the primary color of your car is bondo, 12. your front porch collapses and more than five dogs are killed, 13. your home has more miles on it than your car, 14. you think that spam and crackers are hoeur durs 15. more than one member of you family is named after a civil war general, 16. you consider a bug zapper and a six pack high quality entertainment 17. your mother never takes the Marlboro out of her mouth before telling the state tropper to kiss her a$$. 18.you have had to remove a toothpick for wedding pictures, 19. you think Campho phenique is a miracle drug and 20 you consider a 7 course meal KFC and a six pack.

EleanorsMine

40 things you will never hear a redneck say

40. Oh I just couldn't, she's only sixteen.
39. I'll take Shakespeare for 1000, Alex.
38. Duct tape won't fix that.
37. Honey, I think we should sell the pickup and buy a family sedan.
36. Come to think of it, I'll have a Heineken.
35. We don't keep firearms in this house.
34. Has anybody seen the sideburns trimmer?
33. You can't feed that to the dog.
32. I thought Graceland was tacky.
31. No kids in the back of the pickup, it's just not safe.
30. Wrasslin's fake.
29. Honey, did you mail that donation to Greenpeace?
28. We're vegetarians.
27. Do you think my gut is too big?
26. I'll have grapefruit and grapes instead of biscuits and gravy.
25. Honey, we don't need another dog.
24. Who gives a darn who won the Civil War?
23. Give me the small bag of pork rinds.
22. Too many deer heads detract from the decor.
21. Spittin is such a nasty habit.
20. I just couldn't find a thing at Wal-Mart today.
19. Trim the fat off that steak.
18. Cappuccino tastes better than espresso.
17. The tires on that truck are too big.
16. I'll have the arugula and radicchio salad.
15. I've got it all on the C: drive.
14. Unsweetened tea tastes better.
13. Would you like your fish poached or broiled?
12. My fiance, Bobbie Jo, is registered at Tiffany's.
11. I've got two cases of Zima for the Super Bowl.
10. Little Debbie snack cakes have too many fat grams.
9. Checkmate.
8. She's too young to be wearing a bikini.
7. Does the salad bar have bean sprouts?
6. Hey, here's an episode of "Hee Haw" that we haven't seen.
5. I don't have a favorite college team.
4. Be sure to bring my salad dressing on the side.
3. You All.
2. Those shorts ought to be a little longer.

And, Number ONE is:

1. Nope, no more for me. I'm driving tonight.

future9er24

EleanorsMine

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Bubba was bragging to his boss one day, "You know, I know everyone that there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them."
Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, "OK, Bubba how about Tom Cruise?"

"Sure, yes, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it."

So Bubba and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise's door, and sure enough, Tom Cruise, shouts, "Bubba! Great to see you! You and your friend come right in and join me for lunch!"

Although impressed, Bubba's boss is still skeptical. After they leave Cruise's house, he tells Bubba that he thinks Bubba's knowing Cruise was just lucky.

"No, no, just name anyone else," Bubba says.

"President Clinton, "his boss quickly retorts. "Yes," Bubba says, "I know him, let's fly out to Washington." And off they go.

At the White House, Clinton spots Bubba on the tour and motions him and his boss over, saying, "Bubba, what a surprise, I was just on my way to a meeting, but you and your friend come on in and let's have a cup of coffee first and catch up."

Well, the boss is very shaken by now, but still not totally convinced. After they leave the White House grounds, he expresses his doubts to Bubba, who again implores him to name anyone else.

"The Pope," his boss replies.

"Sure!" says Bubba. "My folks are from Poland, and I've known the Pope a long time." So off they fly to Rome.

Bubba and his boss are assembled with the masses in Vatican Square when Bubba says, "This will never work. I can't catch the Pope's eye among all these people. Tell you what, I know all the guards so let me just go upstairs and I'll come out on the balcony with the Pope." And he disappears into the crowd headed toward the Vatican.

Sure enough, half an hour later Bubba emerges with the Pope on the balcony. But by the time Bubba returns, he finds that his boss has had a heart attack and is surrounded by paramedics. Working his way to his boss' side, Bubba asks him, "What happened?"

His boss looks up and says, "I was doing fine until you and the Pope came out on the balcony and the man next to me said, 'Who's that on the balcony with Bubba?'"

southern_stang_girlee

A filthy rich South Carolina man decided that he wanted to throw a party
and invited all of his buddies and neighbors. He also invited,Bubba, the
only redneck in the neighborhood.

He held the party around the pool in the backyard of his mansion. Bubba
was having a good time drinking, dancing, eating shrimp, oysters and BBQ and
flirting with all the women.
At the height of the party, the host said, "I have a 10 ft man-eating gator

in my pool and I'll give a million dollars to anyone who has the nerve
to jump in."

The words were barely out of his mouth when there was a loud splash and
everyone turned around and saw Bubba in the pool!

Bubba was fighting the gator and kicking its hiney! Bubba was jabbing the
gator in the eyes with his thumbs, throwing punches, head butts and choke
holds, biting the gator; and flipping the gator through the air like
some kind of Judo Instructor. The water was churning and splashing
everywhere.

Both Bubba and the gator were screaming and raising heck. Finally Bubba
strangled the gator and let it float to the top like a dime store goldfish
Bubba then slowly climbed out of the pool. Everybody was just staring at
him in disbelief.

Finally the host says, "Well, Leroy, I reckon I owe you a million
dollars."

"No, that's okay. I don't want it," said Bubba.

The rich man said, "Man, I have to give you something. You won the bet.
How about half a million bucks then?"

"No thanks. I don't want it," answered Bubba.

The host said, "Come on, I insist on giving you something. That was
amazing.

How about a new Porsche and a Rolex and some stock options?"

Again Bubba said no.

Confused, the rich man asked, "Well Bubba>>> then what do you want?"
Bubba said, "I want the name of the sumfemale dog who pushed me in the pool."

southern_stang_girlee

**************
A lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a cop. He thinks that he is smarter than the cop because he is sure that he has a better education. He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the cop's expense...

Cop says, "License and registration, please." Lawyer says, "What for?" Cop says, "You didn't come to a complete stop at the stop sign ." Lawyer says, "I slowed down, and no one was coming."

Cop says, "You still didn't come to a complete stop. License and registration, please." Lawyer says, "What's the difference?" Cop says, "The difference is, you have to come to a complete stop, that's the law. License and registration, please!"

Lawyer says, "If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my license and registration and you give me the ticket,if not you let me go and no ticket."

Cop says, "Exit your vehicle, sir." At this point, the cop takes out his nightstick and starts beating the ever-loving crap out of the lawyer and says:
"Do you want me to stop or just slow down?"

:cop:
********************

future9er24

heehee, i love that one :P