To go with the cartoon thread:

A Sunday school teacher of preschoolers asked the students to learned one fact about Jesus by the following Sunday. The following week she asked each child in turn what he or she had learned. Susie said, "He was born in a manger."
Bobby said, "He threw the money changers out of the temple."

Little Johnny said, "He has a red pickup truck but he doesn't know how to drive it."

Curious, the teacher asked, "And where did you learn that, Johnny?"

"From my Daddy," said Johnny. "Yesterday we were driving down the highway, and this red pickup truck pulled out in front of us and Daddy yelled at him, 'Jesus Christ! Why don't you learn how to drive?'"

 

bahahahahahaha thats good

 

I always loved the little johnny jokes

 

Dad will never say
Top Ten Things You'll Never Hear a Dad Say

10. Well, how 'bout that?... I'm lost! Looks like we'll have to stop and ask for directions.

9. You know Pumpkin, now that you're thirteen, you'll be ready for unchaperoned car dates. Won't that be fun?

8. I noticed that all your friends have a certain "up yours" attitude ... I like that.

7. Here's a credit card and the keys to my new car -- GO CRAZY.

6. What do you mean you wanna play football? Figure skating not good enough for you, son?

5. Your Mother and I are going away for the weekend ... you might want to consider throwing a party.

4. Well, I don't know what's wrong with your car. Probably one of those doo-hickey thingies -- you know -- that makes it run or something. Just have it towed to a mechanic and pay whatever he asks.

3. No son of mine is going to live under this roof without an earring -- now quit your belly-aching, and let's go to the mall.

2. Whaddya wanna go and get a job for? I make plenty of money for you to spend.

1. Father's Day? aahh -- don't worry about that -- it's no big deal.

 

A politician joke that some of you may like ~



A bus carrying politicians crashes in a farmers front yard. Well the next day the police show up asking the farmer "What happened here?" The farmer told him "A bus of politicians crashed in my front yars." The police officer asked the farmer "Well, where are they?" The farmer replies "I buried them." The police officer then asks "Were they all dead?" The farmer said "Well, some said that they weren't but you know how politicians are."



Any laughs????????????????????????? Didn't think so........Oh well.

 

 

that top 10 list is really good

 

There were three priests in a railroad station, all wanting to go home to Pittsburg. Behind the ticket counter was a very, very shapely lass. Well endowed, gorgeous, amazing. The priests were all in embarrassing new territory, so they drew straws to determine who would get the tickets.
The first priest approached the window. "Young lady," he began, "I would like three pickets to Titsburg..." Whereupon he completely lost his composure and fled.

The second priest approached. "Young lady, I would like three tickets to Pittsburg," he began, "and I would like the change in nipples and dimes." So of course he also fled.

Then came the third. "Young lady, I would like three tickets to Pittsburg, and I would like the change in nickels and dimes. And I must say," he continued, "if you insist on dressing like that, when you get to the pearly gates, St. Finger's going to shake his peter at you!"

 

Don't fart in bed!


If this story doesn't make you cry for laughing so hard, let me know and I'll pray for you.

This is a story about a couple who had been happily married for years. The only friction in their marriage was the husband's habit farting loudly every morning when he awoke. The noise would wake his wife and the smell would make her eyes water and make her gasp for air.

Every morning she would plead with him to stop ripping them off because it was making her sick. He told her he couldn't stop it and that it was perfectly natural. She told him to see a doctor; she was concerned that one day he would blow his guts out. The years went by and he continued to blast them out!

Then one Thanksgiving morning as she was preparing the turkey for dinner and he was upstairs sound asleep, she looked at the bowl where she had put the turkey innards and neck, gizzard, liver and all the spare parts and a malicious thought came to her. She took the bowl and went upstairs where her husband was sound asleep and, gently pulling back the bed covers, she pulled back the elastic waistband of his underpants and emptied the bowl of turkey guts into his shorts.

Some time later she heard her husband waken with his usual trumpeting which was followed by a blood curdling scream and the sound of frantic footsteps as he ran into the bathroom.

The wife could hardly control herself as she rolled on the floor laughing, tears in her eyes! After years of torture she reckoned she had got him back pretty good.

About twenty minutes later, her husband came downstairs in his bloodstained underpants with a look of horror on his face.

She bit her lip as she asked him what was the matter.

He said, "Honey, you were right. All these years you have warned me and I didn't listen to you."

"What do you mean?" asked his wife

" Well, you always told me that one day I would end up farting my guts out, and today it finally happened. But by the grace of God, some Vaseline, and two fingers, I think I got most of them back in."

 

An elderly gentleman of extremely advanced years goes into a pickup bar and spots a lovely silver-haired woman seated at the bar.

He takes the empty stool next to her and orders a drink.

He turns to the woman and smoothly asks, "So tell me, do I come here often?"

---------------------------------------------------------
Three old guys are out walking.

First one says, "Windy, isn't it?"

Second one says, "No, it's Thursday!"

Third one says, "So am I. Let's go get a beer."

----------------------------------------------------------
A man was telling his neighbor, "I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it’s state of the art. It's perfect."

"Really?" answered the neighbor. "What kind is it?"

"Twelve-thirty."

----------------------------------------------------------
82-year-old Morris went to the doctor to get a physical. A few days later the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young lady on his arm.
A couple of days later the doctor spoke to Morris and said, "You're really doing great, aren't you?"

Morris replied, "Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.' "

The doctor said, "I didn't say that. I said, "You've got a heart murmur. Be careful."

----------------------------------------------------------
A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool. After catching his breath he ordered a banana split.

The waitress asked kindly, "Crushed nuts?"

"No," he replied, "arthritis."

 

The 10 Best Caddie Replies

# 10 Golfer: "Think I'm going to drown myself in the lake." - Caddy: "Think you can keep your head down that long?"


# 9 Golfer: "I'd move heaven and earth to break 100 on this course." - Caddy: "Try heaven, you've already moved most of the earth."


# 8 Golfer: "Do you think my game is improving?" - Caddy: "Yes sir, you miss the ball much closer now."


# 7 Golfer: "Do you think I can get there with a 5 iron?" - Caddy: "Eventually."


# 6 Golfer: "You've got to be the worst caddy in the world." - Caddy: "I don't think so sir. That would be too much of a coincidence."


# 5 Golfer: "Please stop checking your watch all the time. It's too much of a distraction." - Caddy: "It's not a watch - it's a compass."


# 4 Golfer: "How do you like my game?" - Caddy: "Very good sir, but personally, I prefer golf."


# 3 Golfer: "Do you think it's a sin to play on Sunday?" - Caddy: "The way you play, sir, it's a sin on any day."


# 2 Golfer: "This is the worst course I've ever played on." - Caddy: "This isn't the golf course. We left that an hour ago."


# 1 Best Caddy Comment Golfer: "That can't be my ball, it's too old," - Caddy: "It's been a long time since we teed off, sir."

 

A girl came skipping home from school one day. "Mommy, Mommy!" she yelled. "We were counting today, and all the other kids could only count to 4, but I counted to 10. See? 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10!"
"Very good," said her mother.
"Is it because I'm blonde, Mommy?"
"Yes, honey, it's because you're blonde," said her mother.

The next day the girl came skipping home from school. "Mommy, Mommy!" she yelled. "We were saying the alphabet today, and all the other kids could only say it to D, but I said it to G. See? A, B, C, D, E, F, G !"
"Very good," said her Mother.
Is it because I'm blonde, Mommy?
"Yes, honey, it's because you're blonde," said her mother.

The following day the girl came skipping home from school. "Mommy, Mommy!" she yelled. "We were in gym class today, and when we showered, all the other girls had flat chests, but I have these!" She lifted her tank top to reveal a pair of 36Cs.
"Very good," said her embarrassed mother.
"Is it because I'm blonde, Mommy?"
"No, honey, it's because you're 24, said her mother.

 

A little dry humor here..

Did I ever tell you about about my dehydrated French friend Pierre?

 

Father Murphy was a young priest in a new parish. One beautiful Sunday morning he called in sick and went to the golf course. There was nobody there so he had the round all to himself.

As he was addressing the ball on the first tee, two angels looked down from heaven and said "Isn't that Father Murphy? We'd better tell the Big Guy about this."

God looked down and said "I'll take care of this."

Father Murphy's first shot was perfect. Straight down the fairway, 3 hops, and into the cup for a hole in one. He was ecstatic.

The angels were puzzled. They asked the Lord what he was going to do about this.

The Lord replied, "Who's he going to tell about this?"

 

Jim and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Jim suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there.

Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled Jim out. When the Director of Nursing became aware of Edna's heroic act, she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable.

When she went to tell Edna the news she said, "Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged; since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of another patient, I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness.

The bad news is that Jim, the patient you saved, hung himself in his bathroom with the belt to his robe right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead.


Edna replied "He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry. How soon can I go home?"

 

A Lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a Rankin County
Sheriffs Deputy. He thinks that he is smarter than the Deputy because
he is sure that he has a better education. He decides to prove this to
himself and have some fun at the Deputies expense...........


Deputy says, "License and registration, please."
Lawyer says, "What for?"
Deputy says, "You didn't come to a complete stop at the stop sign."
Lawyer says, "I slowed down, and no one was coming."
Deputy says, "You still didn't come to a complete stop. License and
registration, please."
Lawyer says, "What's the difference?"
Deputy says, "The difference is, you have to come to a completestop,
that's the law. License and registration, please!"

Lawyer says, "If you can show me the legal difference between slow
down and stop, I'll give you my license and registration and you give me the
ticket, if not you let me go and no ticket."

Deputy says, "Exit your vehicle, sir."
At this point, the Deputy takes out his nightstick and starts
beating the ever-loving s**t out of the Lawyer and says: "DO YOU WANT ME TO
STOP OR JUST SLOW DOWN?"

 

OMG

that is hilarious!!!!!!

 

Thanks Arin!!

Heres another joke:

A couple was laying in bed... the wife said,' Honey, do you want some breakfast,... eggs, ham, toast???" He says, "no, I took that Viagra and I just don't have an appetite this morning!"

So, at lunch time, she says, "Honey, how about a quick lunch--- maybe a sandwich, or something???" "No," The husband replies, "That viagra is something!! I still aint hungry!"

That night, she asks again, "Honey, how about a nice juicy steak, baked potatoe and apple pie???" The husband says, "nope, still no appetite!"

She says, "Well, will you let me up please, Im starving!"

 

 

BIRTHDAY PRESENT


The couple had been debating the purchase of a new auto for weeks.

He wanted a new truck. She wanted a fast little sports-like car so
she could zip through traffic around town.

He would probably have settled on any beat up old truck, but everything
she seemed to like was way out of their price range.

Look!" she said. "I want something that goes from 0 to 200 in 4
seconds or less." "And my birthday is coming up. You could
surprise me."

For her birthday, he bought her a brand new bathroom scale.

Services are pending.