Say What???
1. If you have a lot of tension and you get a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: Take two and keep away from children.

2. It's a very strange name they picked for "Social Security." For what they actually send you, you can't afford to be "social" nor can you really feel "secure."

3. Short skirts have a tendency to make men polite. Have you ever seen a man get on a bus ahead of one?

4. It is hard to understand how a cemetery raised its burial cost and blamed it on the cost of living.

5. We are born naked, wet, and hungry. Then things get worse.

6. The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.

7. It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be stupid enough to try and pass them.

8. If the shoe fits, get another one just like it.

9. The things that come to those who wait may be the things left by those who got there first.

10. Give a man a fish, and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish, and he will sit in a boat drinking beer all day.

11. When you're swimming in the creek and an eel bites your cheek, that's a moray!

12. A fine is tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.

13. The only cure for insomnia is to get more sleep.

14. Everybody lies, but it doesn't matter since nobody listens.

15. I wished the buck stopped here. I could use a few.

16. When you go into court you are putting yourself in the hands of 12 people that weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty

 

that last one's perdy gude

its alkl so true....especially the skirt part

 

 

I'm going to look at trout rods tomorrow as an accesory to sitting on the shore with a berr!

 

"build a man a fire and he will be warm for a day, set a man on fire and he will be warm for the rest of his life"

 

Those are all good finds

 

Also (from memory)......

Some people are only alive because it's illegal to kill them

Those who live by the sward get shot by those who don't

Waterproof, wash off mascara

They say that money talks, but mine just waves goodbye

 

1. Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day. Teach that person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks.

2. You read about all these terrorists--most of them came here legally, but they hung around on these expired visas, some for as long as 10-15 years. Now, compare that to Blockbuster, you're two days late with a video and those people are all over you. Let's put Blockbuster in charge of immigration.

3. How is it that one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?

4. Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday . . . lying in hospitals dying of nothing.

5. The other night I ate at a real family restaurant. Every table had an argument going.

6. Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days, no one talks about seeing UFOs like they used to.

7. According to a recent survey, men say the first thing they notice about a woman is their eyes, and women say the first thing they notice about men is they're a bunch of liars.

8. Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.

9. All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.

10. Have you noticed that a slight tax increase costs you two hundred dollars, and a substantial tax cut saves you thirty cents?

11. In the 60's people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.

12. Politics is supposed to be the second oldest profession. I have come to realize that it bears a very close resemblance to the first.

13. There is a theory which states that if ever anybody discovers exactly what the Universe is for and why it is here, it will instantly disappear and be replaced by something even more bizarre and inexplicable. There is another theory which states that this has already happened.

14. I read recipes the same way I read science fiction. I get to the end and I think, "Well, that's not going to happen."

15. Some people are like Slinkies . . . not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when you see one tumble down the stairs.

 

I was thinking that women should put pictures of missing husbands on beer cans!

I was thinking about old age and decided that it is 'when you still have something on the ball, but you are just too tired to bounce it'.

I know, when people see a cat's litter box, they always say, "Oh, have you got a cat?" Just once I want to say, "No, it's for company!"

Employment application blanks always ask 'who is to be notified in case of an emergency.' I think you should write, "A Good Doctor!"

Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do -- write to these men? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen could look for them while they deliver the mail?

I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older. Then, it dawned on me, they were cramming for their finals. As for me, I'm just hoping God grades on the curve.

 

thats great lol

but i still dont get this one

 

Prostitution is supposed to be the oldest profession. I'll let you figure the rest out.
Also, the one about teaching a man to fish is so very, very true. I just got back from Canada 2 weeks ago, and I am still trying to figure out what those sticks with lines tied to them were for. I thought they were for poking the guy sitting on the cooler to get up and hand me another beer.

 

oooohhh

i get it now!

 

That one is excellent (can't get the bloody song out of my head now!)

 

You get a cookie!


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