Random Stuff By Hoss 429*
Thread Starter
legacy Tms Member
Joined: January 27, 2007
Posts: 4,617
Likes: 177
From: alerbamer
i know i`m not the only person to do it .. when out walking around if i happen upon some money laying about i will spend another five minutes scowering the area for more .. i dont think it`s greed .. or is it ? ..
Thread Starter
legacy Tms Member
Joined: January 27, 2007
Posts: 4,617
Likes: 177
From: alerbamer
recently i got pulled over for speeding in my stang.
The officer says,' I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir.'
i say, 'Gee, officer, I had it on cruise control at 60; perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating. '
Not looking up from her texting my girlfriend says.
'Now don't be silly, willie -- you know that this car doesn't have cruise control.'
As the officer writes out the ticket, i say to her .
'Can't you please keep your mouth shut !! ?'
she then says .
'Well you should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did or he would have caught you going 100 .
As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector unit, again angrily through clenched teeth i say,
'Woman, can't you keep your mouth shut for once ?'
The officer frowns and says,
'And I notice that you're not wearing your seat belt, sir.
That's an automatic fine.'
,
i said .'Yeah, well, you see, officer, I had it on, but I took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket.'
enter girlfriend .,
'Now, willie .you know very well that you didn't have your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you're driving.'
And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket, i shout at her ,
' WILL YOU PLEASE SHUT UP??'
the officer then asked my girlfriend .. does he always talk to you this way ?
girlfriend says ... .... only when he`s had too much to drink .....
The officer says,' I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir.'
i say, 'Gee, officer, I had it on cruise control at 60; perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating. '
Not looking up from her texting my girlfriend says.
'Now don't be silly, willie -- you know that this car doesn't have cruise control.'
As the officer writes out the ticket, i say to her .
'Can't you please keep your mouth shut !! ?'
she then says .
'Well you should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did or he would have caught you going 100 .
As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector unit, again angrily through clenched teeth i say,
'Woman, can't you keep your mouth shut for once ?'
The officer frowns and says,
'And I notice that you're not wearing your seat belt, sir.
That's an automatic fine.'
,
i said .'Yeah, well, you see, officer, I had it on, but I took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket.'
enter girlfriend .,
'Now, willie .you know very well that you didn't have your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you're driving.'
And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket, i shout at her ,
' WILL YOU PLEASE SHUT UP??'
the officer then asked my girlfriend .. does he always talk to you this way ?
girlfriend says ... .... only when he`s had too much to drink .....
lol
Like Father...
I ♥ Sausage
I ♥ Sausage
Joined: April 4, 2007
Posts: 20,164
Likes: 643
From: Just outside the middle of nowhere
recently i got pulled over for speeding in my stang.
The officer says,' I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir.'
i say, 'Gee, officer, I had it on cruise control at 60; perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating. '
Not looking up from her texting my girlfriend says.
'Now don't be silly, willie -- you know that this car doesn't have cruise control.'
As the officer writes out the ticket, i say to her .
'Can't you please keep your mouth shut !! ?'
she then says .
'Well you should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did or he would have caught you going 100 .
As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector unit, again angrily through clenched teeth i say,
'Woman, can't you keep your mouth shut for once ?'
The officer frowns and says,
'And I notice that you're not wearing your seat belt, sir.
That's an automatic fine.'
,
i said .'Yeah, well, you see, officer, I had it on, but I took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket.'
enter girlfriend .,
'Now, willie .you know very well that you didn't have your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you're driving.'
And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket, i shout at her ,
' WILL YOU PLEASE SHUT UP??'
the officer then asked my girlfriend .. does he always talk to you this way ?
girlfriend says ... .... only when he`s had too much to drink .....
The officer says,' I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir.'
i say, 'Gee, officer, I had it on cruise control at 60; perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating. '
Not looking up from her texting my girlfriend says.
'Now don't be silly, willie -- you know that this car doesn't have cruise control.'
As the officer writes out the ticket, i say to her .
'Can't you please keep your mouth shut !! ?'
she then says .
'Well you should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did or he would have caught you going 100 .
As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector unit, again angrily through clenched teeth i say,
'Woman, can't you keep your mouth shut for once ?'
The officer frowns and says,
'And I notice that you're not wearing your seat belt, sir.
That's an automatic fine.'
,
i said .'Yeah, well, you see, officer, I had it on, but I took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket.'
enter girlfriend .,
'Now, willie .you know very well that you didn't have your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you're driving.'
And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket, i shout at her ,
' WILL YOU PLEASE SHUT UP??'
the officer then asked my girlfriend .. does he always talk to you this way ?
girlfriend says ... .... only when he`s had too much to drink .....
Thread Starter
legacy Tms Member
Joined: January 27, 2007
Posts: 4,617
Likes: 177
From: alerbamer
<DIR><DIR><DIR>out of the mouths of babes .
Kids were asked questions about the old and new testaments. The following 25 statements about the bible written by the children.
They have not been retouched or corrected.incorrectspellings have been left in...
1. In the first book of the bible, guinessis. God got tired of creating the world so he took the sabbath off.
2. Adam and eve were created from an apple tree. Noah's wife was joan of ark. Noah built an ark and the animals came on in pears.
3. Lot's wife was a pillar of salt during the day, but a ball of fire during the night.
4. The jews were a proud people and throughout history they had trouble with unsympathetic genitals.
5. Sampson was a strongman who let himself be led astray by a jezebel like delilah.
6. Samson slayed the philistines with the axe of the apostles.
7. Moses led the jews to the red sea where they made unleavened bread, which is bread without any ingredients.
8. The egyptians were all drowned in the dessert. Afterwards, moses went up to mountcyanide to get the ten commandments.
9. The first commandment was when eve told adam to eat the apple.
10. The seventh commandment is thou shalt not admit adultery..
11. Moses died before he ever reached canada then joshua led the hebrews in the battle of geritol.
12. The greatest miricle in the bible is when joshua told his son to stand still and he obeyed him.
13. David was a hebrew king who was skilled at playing the liar. He fought the finkelsteins, a race of people who lived in biblical times.
14. Solomon, one of david's sons, had 300 wives and 700 porcupines.
15. When mary heard she was the mother of jesus, she sang the magna carta.
16. When the three wise guys from the east side arrived they found jesus in the manager.
17. Jesus was born because mary had an immaculate contraption.
18. St. John the blacksmith dumped water on his head.
19. Jesus enunciated the golden rule, which says to do unto others before they do one to you. He also explained a man doth not live by sweat alone.
20. It was a miricle when jesus rose from the dead and managed to get the tombstone off the entrance.
21. The people who followed the lord were called the 12 decibels.
22. The epistels were the wives of the apostles.
23. One of the oppossums was st. Matthew who was also a taximan.
24. St. Paul cavorted to christianity, he preached holy acrimony, which is another name for marraige.
25. Christians have only one spouse. This is called monotony.
</DIR></DIR></DIR>
Kids were asked questions about the old and new testaments. The following 25 statements about the bible written by the children.
They have not been retouched or corrected.incorrectspellings have been left in...
1. In the first book of the bible, guinessis. God got tired of creating the world so he took the sabbath off.
2. Adam and eve were created from an apple tree. Noah's wife was joan of ark. Noah built an ark and the animals came on in pears.
3. Lot's wife was a pillar of salt during the day, but a ball of fire during the night.
4. The jews were a proud people and throughout history they had trouble with unsympathetic genitals.
5. Sampson was a strongman who let himself be led astray by a jezebel like delilah.
6. Samson slayed the philistines with the axe of the apostles.
7. Moses led the jews to the red sea where they made unleavened bread, which is bread without any ingredients.
8. The egyptians were all drowned in the dessert. Afterwards, moses went up to mountcyanide to get the ten commandments.
9. The first commandment was when eve told adam to eat the apple.
10. The seventh commandment is thou shalt not admit adultery..
11. Moses died before he ever reached canada then joshua led the hebrews in the battle of geritol.
12. The greatest miricle in the bible is when joshua told his son to stand still and he obeyed him.
13. David was a hebrew king who was skilled at playing the liar. He fought the finkelsteins, a race of people who lived in biblical times.
14. Solomon, one of david's sons, had 300 wives and 700 porcupines.
15. When mary heard she was the mother of jesus, she sang the magna carta.
16. When the three wise guys from the east side arrived they found jesus in the manager.
17. Jesus was born because mary had an immaculate contraption.
18. St. John the blacksmith dumped water on his head.
19. Jesus enunciated the golden rule, which says to do unto others before they do one to you. He also explained a man doth not live by sweat alone.
20. It was a miricle when jesus rose from the dead and managed to get the tombstone off the entrance.
21. The people who followed the lord were called the 12 decibels.
22. The epistels were the wives of the apostles.
23. One of the oppossums was st. Matthew who was also a taximan.
24. St. Paul cavorted to christianity, he preached holy acrimony, which is another name for marraige.
25. Christians have only one spouse. This is called monotony.
</DIR></DIR></DIR>
Thread Starter
legacy Tms Member
Joined: January 27, 2007
Posts: 4,617
Likes: 177
From: alerbamer
local classifieds ..
FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER.
8 years old,
Hateful little bastard.
Bites!
FREE PUPPIES
1/2 Cocker Spaniel, 1/2 sneaky neighbor's dog.
FREE PUPPIES.
Mother is a Kennel Club registered German Shepherd.
Father is a Super Dog, able to leap tall fences in a single bound.
COWS, NEVER BRED.
Also 1 gay bull for sale.
JOINING NUDIST COLONY!
Must sell washer and dryer 100 bucks
WEDDING DRESS FOR SALE .
Worn once by mistake.
Call Stephanie.
**** And the WINNER is... ****
FOR SALE BY OWNER.
Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica, 45 volumes.
Excellent condition, 200 bucks or best offer. No longer needed, got
married, wife knows everything.
FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER.
8 years old,
Hateful little bastard.
Bites!
FREE PUPPIES
1/2 Cocker Spaniel, 1/2 sneaky neighbor's dog.
FREE PUPPIES.
Mother is a Kennel Club registered German Shepherd.
Father is a Super Dog, able to leap tall fences in a single bound.
COWS, NEVER BRED.
Also 1 gay bull for sale.
JOINING NUDIST COLONY!
Must sell washer and dryer 100 bucks
WEDDING DRESS FOR SALE .
Worn once by mistake.
Call Stephanie.
**** And the WINNER is... ****
FOR SALE BY OWNER.
Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica, 45 volumes.
Excellent condition, 200 bucks or best offer. No longer needed, got
married, wife knows everything.
Shelby GT350 Member
Joined: December 16, 2011
Posts: 4,567
Likes: 1
From: Minnesota
local classifieds ..
FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER.
8 years old,
Hateful little bastard.
Bites!
FREE PUPPIES
1/2 Cocker Spaniel, 1/2 sneaky neighbor's dog.
FREE PUPPIES.
Mother is a Kennel Club registered German Shepherd.
Father is a Super Dog, able to leap tall fences in a single bound.
COWS, NEVER BRED.
Also 1 gay bull for sale.
JOINING NUDIST COLONY!
Must sell washer and dryer 100 bucks
WEDDING DRESS FOR SALE .
Worn once by mistake.
Call Stephanie.
**** And the WINNER is... ****
FOR SALE BY OWNER.
Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica, 45 volumes.
Excellent condition, 200 bucks or best offer. No longer needed, got
married, wife knows everything.
FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER.
8 years old,
Hateful little bastard.
Bites!
FREE PUPPIES
1/2 Cocker Spaniel, 1/2 sneaky neighbor's dog.
FREE PUPPIES.
Mother is a Kennel Club registered German Shepherd.
Father is a Super Dog, able to leap tall fences in a single bound.
COWS, NEVER BRED.
Also 1 gay bull for sale.
JOINING NUDIST COLONY!
Must sell washer and dryer 100 bucks
WEDDING DRESS FOR SALE .
Worn once by mistake.
Call Stephanie.
**** And the WINNER is... ****
FOR SALE BY OWNER.
Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica, 45 volumes.
Excellent condition, 200 bucks or best offer. No longer needed, got
married, wife knows everything.
Like Father...
I ♥ Sausage
I ♥ Sausage
Joined: April 4, 2007
Posts: 20,164
Likes: 643
From: Just outside the middle of nowhere
Thread Starter
legacy Tms Member
Joined: January 27, 2007
Posts: 4,617
Likes: 177
From: alerbamer
people see me walking / running /jogging up and down the road all the time .. they wave or honk and drive rite on by .. took my pinto out for a cruise yesterday and bout 2 miles from home the timing belt breaks .. so its` a brisk 27 degree walk back home .. some of these same people whisk by me and blow their horn or wave ..
