Well since burningman beat me too it i found anouther to post in its place

Automobile Acronyms

AUDI
Accelerates Under Demonic Influence

BMW
Bought My Wife

BUICK
Big Ugly Indestructible Car Killer

CHEVROLET
Can Hear Every Valve Rap On Long Extended Trips

DODGE
Drips Oil, Drops Grease Everywhere

FIAT
Fix It All the Time

FORD
Fast Only Rolling Downhill

GM
General Maintenance

GMC
Gotta Mechanic Coming?

HONDA
Had One Never Did Again

HYUNDAI
Hope You Understand Nothing's Driveable And Inexpensive...

MAZDA
Most Always Zipping Dangerously Along

OLDSMOBILE
Overpriced, Leisurely Driven Sedan Made Of Buick's Irregular Leftover Equipment

SAAB
Swedish Automobiles Always Breakdown

TOYOTA
Too Often Yankees Overprice This Auto

VOLVO
Very Odd Looking Vehicular Object

VW
Virtually Worthless

 

Maverick,

Bman beat you to it! What's going on in the forums?

 

dang it must have missed that one im sorry for the repost me sad

 

WAR!

 

I did not see:

JEEP

Just Expect Every Problem

 

Acura Integra - I have always wanted to own the Buick of sports cars.
Acura Legend - I'm too bland for German cars.
Acura NSX - I'm impotent.


Audi 90 - I enjoy putting out engine fires.


Buick Park Avenue - I'm older than 34 of the 50 states.


Cadillac Eldorado - I'm a pimp.
Cadillac Seville - I'm a very good Mary Kay salesman.


Chevrolet Camaro - I enjoy beating the h* out of people.
Chevrolet Chevette - I like seeing people's reactions when I tell them I have a 'Vette.
Chevrolet Corvette - I'm in a mid-life crisis.
Chevrolet El Camino - I am leading a militia to overthrow the government.


Chrysler Cordoba - I dig the rich Corinthian leather.


Datsun 280Z - I have a kilo of cocaine in my wheel well.


Dodge Dart - I teach third grade special education and I voted for Eisenhower.
Dodge Daytona - I delivered pizza for four years to get this car.
Dodge Dakota - I've always wanted a womans pickup truck.


Ferrari Testarossa - I'm known to prematurely ejaculate.


Ford Fairmont - (See Dodge Dart).
Ford Mustang Cobra - I slow down to 85 in school zones.
Ford Crown Victoria - I enjoy having people slow to 55mph and change lanes when I pull up behind them.


Geo Storm - I will start the 11th grade in the fall.
Geo Tracker - I will start the 12th grade in the fall.


Honda del Sol - I have always said, half a convertible is better than no convertible at all.
Honda Civic - I have just graduated and have no credit.
Honda Accord - I lack any originality and am basically a lemming.


Infiniti Q45 - I'm a physician with 17 malpractice suits pending.


Isuzu Impulse - I do not give a darn about J.D. Power or his reports.


Jaguar XJ6 - I'm so rich I will pay 60K for a car that is in the shop 280 days per year.


Kia Sephia - I learned nothing from the failure of Daihatsu Corp.


Lamborghini Countach - I only have one ********.


Lincoln Town Car - I live for bingo and covered dish suppers.
Lincoln Navigator - I love scaring the crap out of the guy who is driving a civic.


Mercury Grand Marquis - I'm an AARP member and need my social security for the car payment.


Mercedes 500SL - I can go 0-60 in about 6 seconds if the car doesnt fall apart at 50.
Mercedes 560SEL - I'm dating a mechanic.
Mercedes ML320 - I'm a badass soccer mom.


Mazda Miata - I do not fear being decapitated by an eighteen-wheeler.


MGB - I'm dating a midget.


Mitsubishi Diamante - I don't know what it means either.


Nissan 300ZX - I have yet to complete my divorce proceedings.
Nissan Maxima - I couldn't afford an Infiniti.


Oldsmobile Cutlass - I just stole this car and I'm going to make a fortune off the parts.
Oldsmobille Bravada - I laugh in the face of the guy who's driving a Blazer.


Peugeot 505 Diesel - I'm on the EPA's Ten Most Wanted List.


Plymouth Neon - I sincerely enjoy doing the Macarena.


Pontiac Trans AM - I have a switchblade in my sock.
Pontiac GTO - Gas, Tires, & Orgasms.
Pontiac Aztek - Too easy.


Porsche 911 Turbo - I have a three inch thingie.
Porsche 944 - I'm dating big haired women that otherwise would be inaccessible to me.


Rolls Royce Silver Shadow - I think Pat Buchanon is a tad bit too liberal.


Saturn SC2 - (See Honda Civic).


Subaru Legacy - I have always wanted a Japanese car even more inferior than Isuzu.


Toyota Camry - I'm still in the closet.
Toyota Land Cruiser- I would go off road if I could.


Volkswagen Cabriolet - I'm out of the closet.
Volkswagen Microbus - I'm trippin right now.
Volkswagen Beetle - I still watch Partridge Family reruns.


Volvo 740 Wagon - I'm very frightened of my wife

 

Classified Ad Translator

Needs Minor Work - Needs significant work.

Needs Nothing - Except a tow truck.

Easy Project Car - Completely disassembled, bring many boxes.

Minor Rust - Don't sit down!

Minor Rust - Major rust you can’t see.

Low Mileage - Only 170,000.

Convertible - After driving under truck.

Runs Great - Too bad it doesn’t roll.

Alarm - Wires are cut to sell stolen.

Nice Stereo - To overcome exhaust noise.

Needs Paint - To cover rust.

New Paint - Beautifully covers rust.

Fully Loaded - Seller is too.

All Options - 8-track player.

Only 59,000 Miles - Actually 359,000 miles.

Rare Model - One of 500,000 made.

Must Sell - Before the law finds seller.

Must Sell - Need bail money.

Summer Fun - Roof leaks in winter.

Summer Fun - Won't make it to fall.

Reliable - Don't leave the neighborhood.

Daily Driver - 400 miles a day.

Only Driven Sundays - Sunday is race day.

Engine Rebuilt - Engine degreased to look it.

Doesn’t Smoke - No oil to burn, or 90wt oil.

Trans. Rebuilt - Fine sawdust used to make it quiet.

4 Speed Gearbox - 5th gear is dead.

Hurry, Won't Last - Neither will car.

New Tires - Retreads years ago.

Well Maintained - Oil changed every other leap year.

Drives Like a Dream - Nightmare.

Car Cover - To help keep out rats.

Always Garaged - Embarrassed to leave it outside.

Family Owned - Driven by 6 teenagers.

Fully Restored - Nothing original.

Smog Exempt - DMV doesn't think so.

Tags Till Next Year - Stolen year sticker.

Moving, Must Sell - Off to jail, need bail money.

 

Oil Changing Instructions





Women:
1. Pull up to Jiffy Lube when the mileage reaches 3000 since the last oil
change.
2. Drink a cup of coffee.
3. 15 minutes later, write a check and leave with a properly maintained
vehicle.

------------------------------------------

Men:
1. Go to O'Reilly auto parts and write a check for 50 dollars for oil,
filter, oil lift (AKA kitty litter), hand cleaner and scented tree.
2. Discover that the used oil container is full. Instead of taking back to
O'Reilly to recycle, dump in hole in back yard.
3. Open a beer and drink it.
4. Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.
5. Find jack stands under kid's pedal car.
6. In frustration, open another beer and drink it.
7. Place drain pan under engine.
8. Look for 9/16 box end wrench.
9. Give up and use crescent wrench.
10. Unscrew drain plug.
11. Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil; get hot oil on you in process.
12. Clean up.
13. Have another beer while oil is draining.
14. Look for oil filter wrench.
15. Give up; poke oil filter with Phillips screwdriver and twist it off.
16. Beer.
17. Buddy shows up; finish case with him. Finish oil change tomorrow.
18. Next day, drag pan full of old oil out from underneath car.
19. Throw oil lift (AKA kitty litter) on oil spilled during step 18.
20. Beer. No, drank it all yesterday.
21. Walk to 7-11; buy beer.
22. Install new oil filter making sure to apply thin coat of clean oil to
gasket first.
23. Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.
24. Remember drain plug from step 11.
25. Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.
26. Hurry to replace drain plug before the whole quart of fresh oil drains
onto floor.
27. Slip with wrench and bang knuckles on frame.
28. Bang head on floor board in reaction.
29. Begin cussing fit.
30. Throw wrench.
31. Cuss for additional 10 minutes because wrench hit Miss December(1992)
in the left boob.
32. Clean up; apply Band-Aid to knuckle.
33. Beer.
34. Beer.
35. Dump in additional 4 quarts of oil.
36. Beer.
37. Lower car from jack stands
38. Accidentally crush one of the jack stands
39. Move car back to apply more oil lift (AKA kitty litter) to fresh oil
spilled during step 23.
40. Drive car

 

What Not To Say To A Cop
Oink, Oink!

Hurry up and write the @#&^*! ticket, the bars close in 20 minutes.

My car needs a tune-up, otherwise you would not have caught me.

If you were on the same stuff as I am you wouldn't be so uptight.

Didn't I see your butt get kicked on "COPS"?

You just ruined a new personal record.

I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer.

Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.

Aren't you the guy from the Village People?

Hey, you must've been doin' about 125 mph to keep up with me! Good job!

Excuse me. Is "stick up" hyphenated?

I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a police officer.

I was going to be a trooper, but I decided to finish high school instead.

Bad cop! No donut!

You're not gonna check the trunk, are you?

Gee, that gut sure doesn't inspire confidence.

Wow, you look just like the guy in the picture on my girlfriend's nightstand.

Is it true that people become troopers because they are too dumb to work at McDonald's?

I pay your salary!

So, uh, you on the take, or what?

Gee, Officer! That's terrific. The last officer only gave me a warning, too!

Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does.

I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there is no other car around--that's how far ahead of me they are.

What do you mean, "Have I been drinking?" You're the trained specialist.

Well, when I reached down to pick up my bag of crack, my gun fell off my lap and got lodged between the brake pedal and the gas pedal, forcing me to speed out of control.

Hey, is that a 9 mm? How's that compare to this one here?

Officer: Your eyes are red, have you been drinking?
Driver: Your eyes are glazed, have you been eating donuts?

Your so-called "speed limits" mean nothing to me flatfoot. I live my life one quarter-mile at a time.

You again? I thought I lost you at that last red light.

Aren't you going to strip search me, big boy?

You better hurry up with that ticket. Dunkin' Donuts closes in 15 minutes.

How about you watch my friend Ben Franklin while I get my registration?

Sorry I was speeding officer, but your daughter said she had to be home by eleven.

Hey Barney! How are things in Mayberry?

 

Policeman : Do you know what speed you were doing?

Me : eeerrrmmmm, 55 mph?

Policeman : Come on, do you think I am stupid?

Me : Well you're the one standing out in the rain....

 

hahaha muzzy

 

At one time in my life, I thought I had a handle on the meaning of the word "service." "The act of doing things for other people."
Then I heard these terms:
Internal Revenue Service
Postal Service
Telephone Service
Civil Service
City/County Public Service
Customer Service
Service Stations

And I became confused about the word "service." This is not what I thought "service" meant.

Then today, I overheard two farmers talking and one said he had hired a bull to "service" a few of his cows.

BAM! It all came into perspective. Now I understand what all those "service" agencies are doing to us.

I hope you are now as enlightened as I am.

 

''Ferrari Testarossa - I'm known to prematurely ejaculate''
''Toyota Camry - I'm still in the closet''
''Lamborghini Countach - I only have one ********''
good ones

 

I'm just glad April didn't say anything about Jettas

 

Consider yourself safe-
Until you get your Mustang before me. Then its on.

 

I swear, I do own one and perhaps two of these....

How to Tell When Need a New Car.

You lose the stop-light challenge to a 14-year old on a moped.
15 minute Jiffy Lube needs to keep your car for 3 days.
When you gas up, the attendant asks, "Can I re-duct tape that windshield for you?"
While waiting at a stop-light, people run up asking if anyone was hurt.
For the last five years, you've had to settle for making "vroom-vroom" noises while sitting in the driveway.
You keep losing dates on left turns.
Traffic reporters are starting to refer to you by name when discussing morning tie-ups.
Your tires are balding faster than Michael Bolton.
The engine burns more oil than gas.
You wouldn't mind if you were car-jacked.
You judge suitable parking spaces by the degree of downhill slope.
You have the local tow company on speed-dial.
The engine catches fire and you don't notice anything wrong until the firetruck pulls you over.
You can leave your car parked, unlocked, with the keys in the ignition, and not worry about it being stolen.
Public transportation starts to look good.
Your entire car isn't worth the minimum insurance deductable.
The city sends you a notice requesting that you remove the "abandoned vehicle" from your driveway.
Even homeless people look derisively at your car.
Every time you start your car, the local smog index jumps a whole point.
The local mechanic says that doing a tune-up is just "throwing good money after bad."
You double the value of your car everytime you fill the tank.
The 8-track tape deck finnally eats your last tape.
When you try to sell it, The Old Car Trader won't accept your ad because they, "have a reputation to protect."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

Gratuitous mustang abuse....

click me

 

CHEVY

Can't
Handle
Every
Volkswagen
Yet

 

Do you guys know about a car called the Reliant Robin? I attach a picture so you can get the old jokes from over here about them!



Now here we go........


What do you call a Robin with a beach ball in it? A Whistle

What do you call a Robin with dual exhaust pipes? A wheelbarrow

What do you call a convertible Robin? A Skip

 

I will never forget what my step-dad always used to say. He told me if I ever got pulled over, when the cop walked up, look over and say; I'll have two cheeseburgers and a coke."

Then he got pulled over when I was in the car. My mom and me kept laughing and trying to get him to say it. But he just hushed us up and got mad. We still laugh about that one.