There is a chap on another forum I go on. He is from Northern Ireland and owns a Lurcher dog that is a bit mad, and a habitual thief and philanderer. This chap Foss, often posts about the day to day goings on with his dog. It is almost like a diary and the guy writes it in a way that is funny to read and passes some time out of the day........Please bear in mind, that although the dog is called Daisy, he always refers to it as "The Idiot"

I am starting with It's a dogs life pt 6, and will update it if some of you PM me to let me know that you want to read it.

J

 

Idiots and wrist watches

Surpisingly the Idiot doesn't have a wrist watch. Partly because it has no wrists and because it has a real problem using a credit card in the jewellers.
It just can't do the chip and PIN because it's an Idiot.
So it can't tell the time.
Light and dark, that's it. Light, get up go mental, dark go to sleep. Well light go to sleep too.
So the clocks went back an hour yesterday for winter. For our US friends this is meant to stop children being mown down on the way to school or something. For me it's an extra hour in bed.
ahhhh, a lie in.
wooo wooo. wo wooo woo. bang of head on utility room door
Idiot: It's light. It's been light for ages. Why are you still in bed. Let me out.
wooo wooo. wo wooo woo. bang of head on utility room door
Me: Shut the f@@@ up, I only get this lie in once a year, SHUT UP.
Idiot: You're in bed, I'm in bed. It doesn't make sense. It's light.
Get up. Let the Idiot out.
tika tika tika ticticiticitic silence
'Ow get off down, you stupid dog' <--- darling beloved in bed, not happy.
Time from bed to bed, about 3 seconds.
Drag the Idiot off the bed.
Idiot: 'Ohhh OHHH your killing me ohh ohh don't beat me ohh ohhh'
Me, tactfully: I don't give a sh!te, get out OUT. NOW.
ahhhh, a lie in. Go back to sleep.
Fos

 

Quicker than **** off a shovel

Yeah, I pat her, rub her head, stun her with a taser to get her STOP F@CKING BARKING, THERE'S NO-ONE IN THE ROOM. Idiot's barking at a sideboard while rolling on it's back. Usual stuff.

So, [sigh] day off. yippee. Going to get my head shaved, buy the paper, maybe get a cooked breakfast in a cafe and look like a skinhead reading the Times. Check out some ski holidays. Great
Idiot: Hymmmmm a hmmmm bark hmmm
Or
Idiot: Why are you going out I need to go to the loo or a run or both.
Option 1. Take Idiot with me and go to the beach.
Non starter, I have to go to the shops.
Option 2. Give Idiot away to passing gypsies on a bit of string.
Non starter, no gypsies

So I let Idiot out, but follow and watch with my cup of tea.
Idiot has a poo, that's goood. Getting tense now something wrong.
Idiot looks at me, looks into the middle distance, looks at me out of the side of it's eye,looks into the middle distance.

It hits MACH 1 in about a second and is over a wall and away down the lane before you can say 'Stop, sit, stay, come back' With considerable calm I walk back indoors, tea slopping over my hand.
Me: My darling dearest, the Idiot has run off again.
Darling dearest: Well where is it.
Well how do I bloody know it's bloody run off, it could be in Timbuktu by now for all I know
Darling dearest: You should have been watching it.
Fos

 

Tuber trouble
'Right dog, loo, c'mon, loo.'
Idiot: You are soooo mean to me.
'C'mon, loo please, loo, just the loo'
Idiot: Only if you don't beat me.

I open the doors and go out first, you're meant to give them them an escape route or something, well we seen how that worked this morning.

I'm standing in the dark and the Idiot appears. Good, good, going well so far.
Goes and has a wee. Excellent. Then goes back indoors.
Then comes back out with something in it's mouth.

I've made the basic error of letting it alone in the kitchen, it's got half a boiled potato in it's mouth. The spud's been sliced so it been made by human hands.
Through the patio doors 'Oh my darling, the dawn of my day, why is the Idiot eating a potato, did you feed it?'
Darling: 'No, but I was making stew with sausages'
Great.
Idiot's still out, check it's bed. AHA. Half a sausage under it's bedding. (It's hides stashes of food in it's bed)
'Well unless it's turned into Gordon bloody Ramsey it's nicked a spud from the colander and a bloody sausage from the flipping oven dish thing.'
Idiot comes in and realises there might be twoubble ahead, hides behind the sofa, covers it's eyes and goes stealth. I can't see you, you can't see me.
'Bad dog BAD DOG'
Idiot: 'Don't beat me, how can you see me anyway'
'Thief, bad dog bad thief bad ba....'
I'm shouting at a dog who's trying to be invisible who's hiding behind a sofa.
It was all going so well.
Fos

 

Me and my invisible friend
There are severe gale force winds here at the minute, fence has blown down the garden furniture has taken a short break to somewhere else.
And the Idiot has to go to the loo.
There's no chance it'll go in that wind. But I have a cunning plan.
I put a lead on her. One of those extendy ones that give out about two miles of leash. Hah. Intellect you see, I can beat the Idiot.

As soon as open the front door, there's howling wind.
Idiot: No way. I'm sitting down.
I pull on the lead. Someone else, who shall remain nameless put the collar on this morning and c@cked it up, it's way too loose.It starts to wriggle out of it.
Idiot: I'm not going out in that [grunt wriggle] get this thing offa me.
It pops over her ears and she's off.

I'm standing on the front step, in a gale which is making the lead fly all over the place, shouting 'cmon, out, out' with a lead and a collar attached, but no dog in it.

I can almost here the people next door saying 'I think he's been drinking, he's taking an imaginary dog for a walk at 7.30am, in a gale, and he's shouting at it'.
Fos

 

The fence
Idiot eventually uncrossed it's legs and decided to out, on it's own, fanfare, to the loo. Great, fine, fill yer boots.
Then there's a huge amount of barking and the Idiot hurtles past, briefly looking at me through the patio doors.
Idiot: DO SOMETHING, QUICK
It's being chased by next door's two mini Springers who barely come above the Idiots knees and have come through the broken fence.
Idiot: Woo woo hymmm hymmm THEY'RE GOING TO EAT ME. AAARRGGH.
'Well they're going to have to get some bloody ladders first to reach you, they're tiny and your beating them by about 30 knots, get inside.'
Idiot behind the sofa again quivering.
Idiot: I would like to make a living will, you can have my stuffed reindeer.
Darling beloved: Why are you telling the dog it would have been shot for cowardice in the First World war, are you mad, your tea's ready come and sit down.
Fos

 

A clean Idiot is a happy Idiot
More dog trivia.
My brother arrived from Europe, we all had lunch with our parents and the Idiot was going mental.
Idiot: Pat me, stroke me at least give me a biscuit.
My brother pats the Idiot and a cloud of hairs puff up.
Brother: It needs brushed
He goes and gets a dog brush. Idiot is not at all happy with this and clears off with an aside of 'you complete and utter busturd, he's going to beat me with that brush thinghy.'
Idiot gets the most gentle gentle brushing outside.
Traumatised by the ordeal she comes in.
My father has a cunning plan.
'That dog needs hoovered'
'Father, although I have have the deepest respect for you how do you aim to hoover a dog, should I nail it's paws to the floor, should I arm wrestle it to the ground so you can run the Dyson over it?'
<--- that's what an Idiot looks like when it's been done with the hose attachment from a hoover.
It's currently seeking legal advice I assume.
Fos dog beater

 

Dateline: Nov 5, 1300hrs.
Iran is developing nuclear weapons. British troops are in action in Iraq and Afghanistan. Youths consider ASBOS as a badge of honour.

And the Idiot is getting hoovered again.

Fos

 

I am the tunnel queen
This is a good one.
I have been ordered to change the lino in the the spare bathroom.
'My darling, whatever you desire, my whole existence is to make your life easier'.
Darling beloved goes out, I struggle with the lino disaster. This lifts a trapdoor in the floor. No big deal. There's trapdoors in most rooms it's only a square, no hinges or anything, there's a big clear space under the house.

woo woo hyymmm woo woo
Idiot: You know, it really is quite dark down here
Me: ****, where's the bloody dog gone.
A quiet woo.
Flipping dog has gone down the trapdoor. It's a 2 feet drop at entry, which deepens to about 5 feet at the other end of the house.
Idiot is barking at me from beneath the living room floor, that isn't good.
Check window, no Darling beloved, good.
Talk to a hole in the floor, 'C'mon dog, here dog'
'Dog, we are both dead if Darling beloved comes back and you're IN THE FOUNDATIONS OF THE BLOODY HOUSE' 'Please come out, I implore you'
A head pops up, 'it's too tall, I can't get out.'
'You can flipping jump the flipping back wall but you've trapped yourself under the flipping house'
Check window. Darling beloved not returned.
Grab the Idiot by the collar and one hand round it's waist. Hoist up, and away.
Idiot: I hate you you're always so mean.
Car on gravel, ****. 'Bed dog bad dog bed bed.'
Darling beloved arrives in, hello dog how are you yadda yadda.
'Why is the dog covered in cement dust'
'My darling, I didn't notice, I have no idea'
Fos

 

Most common phrases

Where's the bloody dog
Behind a sofa
'Heel' May as well shout runaway towards the horizon.
Is the back door locked 'cause the Idiot will get out.
C'mon dog, here here
Look, I am sleeping
Stop eating soap, and no more toothpaste
I like soap
'What are you eating'
'I can't find the dog'
'The dog has been in the bed' (from darling beloved)
'Where have my bloody sweets gone you thief'
'Come out from under that bush, I can see your nose you Idiot'
'Stop eating bread, that's for the birds'
Fos Idiot owner

 

Well, never take any female if you want to buy a gundog.
Let's get a dog darling, either a runner or a pointer, a lab would be nice
Go to the kennels
'Oh look that one's cute'
Standing there is a much younger Idiot which looks like it's had a lobotomy or some serious brain stem injury. One ear up, one ear down.
'Let's get that one'
'My darling, that is some sort of greyhound lurcher thing, and it looks, well stupid'
'But it's cute'
Idiot in the car.
Let's call it Daisey.
'My darling, my sweetness, there is no f@cking way I'm going to shout DAISEY to try and get that dog.
Shortened to Daze, apt, I thought.
Once the complete lack of IQ became apparent she then became Idiot.
Fos

 

Idiot is a starwars fan
'Take the dog out for a walk'
Yes my fragrent darling, thats what I'm doing.
'Have you put the collar on'
No my darling beloved, I've stapled the lead to the dogs neck.
gawds sake, I've got one Idiot indoors and one outdoors.
Right stay with me.
You know in Star Wars and Luke Skywalker takes down the AT AT thing by flying round it's legs.
Dog, lease, running round in circles around my legs.
'No stop that' A considerable lot of woo woo woo ing.
I've been lassoed. Fall, bend head on a wall.
I've got a nice wee cut on my hairline now.
Darling: 'Why did you fall'
'That frigging Idiot trapped my feet. I'm bleeding on my good shirt'
Darling: 'Don't be silly, c'mon pet (Idiot) inside'
Then to me 'Don't bleed anywhere, and don't sit on the sofa'
My position in the food chain is clear.
Fos

 

The most unlikely things to eat 1930hrs

You walk into the living room, where the Idiot hides. Idiot isn't hiding, but standing in the middle of the floor.
Chewing.
'Oh my darling beloved, have you given the Idiot a biscuit, or a chew or something'
'No'
'Well it's eating frigging something'

It was a bathroom tile.
My brother had brought a couple of samples from Vienna to show. About 5 inches long about half an inch wide. And left them on a coffee table.
crunch crunch crunch crunch
'It's eating a bloody tile sample'
There's tile debris behind the sofa.
My response: IT'S A SHALLOW GRAVE FOR YOU, TILES? FOR GOD'S SAKE.
I don't get to say that.
Darling dearest: 'What have you been doing silly. Biscuit, would you like a biscuit.
Idiot: 'Ok, that sounds good, walk later?'
Me: 'When you give a biscuit give it some grouting, I'm away to get the hoover'
Fos

 

I've been for a walk
I've been for a long walk along the shore. I'm trying to learn stargazy stuff to beat my brother who's got a degree in it. So no Idiot.
Go back to house and start the whole ritual, 'Loo Dog, c'mon'
Great, I get a cigar, the Idiot goes to the loo, I get to feel all outdoorsy.
Pudday pudday pudday pudday pudda pudda
Rustle noises. It's in the forest.
'My darling, dawn of my day, I do believe Idiot has made an escape bid and could well be heading for the coast to hijack a fishing boat and move to Scotland'
'Why did you let it out'
'My dearest, because I can't fit a catheter on a bloody greyhound it has to go to the loo.
'Why did you not keep an eye on it'
'Because my beloved, IT'S DARK, IT'S NIGHTTIME'
don't shout at me, go and get it
'My darling, which part of the forest do you suggest'
tik tik tikka tikka tic
Idiot's back in. 'What's all the shouting about, can I have a biscuit'
I just point at it's bed.
Idiot: 'I'm in the **** aren't I'
Some more quite forcefull finger pointing.
Idiot: 'Aye bed, I get it. What about that biscuit though'
Severe finger pointing.
Idiot: 'You're soooo mean, I'm going to sulk now'
Idiot lies down in the utility room, but stares at me. I consider turning on the washing machine out of sheer badness, but go and read my book on stars instead. 'Dog star, I'll give it effing Dog star'.
Fos

 

The Idiot does look like Santa's little helper. But more stupid.
It just walked into the room there, well, headbutted it's way into the room.
'What dog, what can you possibly want'
'A biscuit or a walk, but a biscuit would be nice'
'How did you get in here anyway, I'm trying to work.'
That's fours doors worth of headbutting to get where I am.
wooo hoo whooooo ho.
'Please stop barking, you're giving me mental health problems'
woo hoo woo hoooo
Then silence.
It's standing, and staring, I mean really staring at the door it's just opened, which is flat against the wall. It's just a brown wooden door.
'These things open pretty easy don't they'
'Apparently so, close it on your way out'
'Can't, no thumbs remember'
So I have to get up, escort Idiot back to the kitchen, or some secure area, do a routine sweep for stolen goods, sweet, savoury or ceramic and get back to work.
woo woo wo hooooo
'Why have you locked me in the kitchen and put the lock on the door, my head really hurts' whump tik tak tik whump
'I not surprised, you're as thick as a bag of spanners, stop headbutting the effing door' whump tikka tik tikka tic whump. I open the door.
'Hello, I'm just going to lie by the fire if that's ok'
Defeated again.
Fos

 

Let me know if you want to keep the series running. I will post five or six at a time until we have caught up, then will just post as and when Foss does.

 

Those are pretty **** funny. I love that dog.

 

being a dog owner and lover, im finding these downright histerical

 

Ahhh that just reinforces why in my entire life I never want another dog!

 

Well, as we have three people enjoying them, I will go and "fetch" some more........