WarBird69

Hmmm.... she doesn't look like an actress. Her most distinguishing feature has to be her arctic blue eyes, almost like a Huskey's. Very sexy!

In fact... ever since this little...scuffle... I've found myself being distant. Not sexually attracted to her, not the same person I met 4 years ago. More or less wishing she would just go away. Luckily, she IS going away Friday for the weekend. Gives me time to really do some soul searching.
I thought I knew I wanted to marry this woman. I was 110% sure this was THE one for me. A $1000 platinum solitare said that (wouldn't buy just ANYONE platinum). But after this.... my confidence is replaced with sheer terror. Before, mentioning the wedding made me smile and my stomach flutter. Now, my stomach churns and I feel like I'm being chased by large dogs (terrified). Not just in the fact I may be making a mistake, but how to either fix things or get the heck out of here without causing too much damage.

And the car is just a want. I've got a car that works just fine. Its a want I've saved for and worked toward for 3 years now (whenever concept came out).

*sigh* I hate life sometimes. When it good, its good. But when its rough, its like being in a tug boat in the middle of the ocean during a hurricane.

pebkac

<div class='quotetop'>QUOTE(WarBird69 @ May 2, 2006, 7:33 PM) Quoted post</div><div class='quotemain'>
Hmmm.... she doesn't look like an actress. Her most distinguishing feature has to be her arctic blue eyes, almost like a Huskey's. Very sexy!

In fact... ever since this little...scuffle... I've found myself being distant. Not sexually attracted to her, not the same person I met 4 years ago. More or less wishing she would just go away. Luckily, she IS going away Friday for the weekend. Gives me time to really do some soul searching.
I thought I knew I wanted to marry this woman. I was 110% sure this was THE one for me. A $1000 platinum solitare said that (wouldn't buy just ANYONE platinum). But after this.... my confidence is replaced with sheer terror. Before, mentioning the wedding made me smile and my stomach flutter. Now, my stomach churns and I feel like I'm being chased by large dogs (terrified). Not just in the fact I may be making a mistake, but how to either fix things or get the heck out of here without causing too much damage.

And the car is just a want. I've got a car that works just fine. Its a want I've saved for and worked toward for 3 years now (whenever concept came out).

*sigh* I hate life sometimes. When it good, its good. But when its rough, its like being in a tug boat in the middle of the ocean during a hurricane.
[/b][/quote]

RUN and run fast. It is not because of the car you should run it is the fact that she is already controling/making your decisions. I have been married for 14 years. It is all about give and take. it is apparent it will be all give on your part or else. If you get the car she will hold it over your head for every cent. First a dog then jewlery and so on. RUN and transfer.

Tony Alonso

<div class='quotetop'>QUOTE(WarBird69 @ May 2, 2006, 7:33 PM) Quoted post</div><div class='quotemain'>
In fact... ever since this little...scuffle... I've found myself being distant. Not sexually attracted to her, not the same person I met 4 years ago. More or less wishing she would just go away.
[/b][/quote]

I will ask "The Big Guy" to guide you, man. This statement to me means that very serious talks, counseling, etc. would offer you insight and perspective before you commit to a marital relationship. Hang in there.

lwing18

So, if you have wheels, you just have to deal with a little more delayed gratification. Since your back is not really against the wall (in which case she would jerking you around) get the counseling. Unlike cars, people do not come with manuals, so you might need help in uncovering her problems, or her problems with you.

You should look at this situation as a good thing. Better to deal with how to deal with conflict resolution now. She might be trying to set up obstacles to getting married, deliberately.

Besides, you lost the weight, got in better shape - - those are good things.

You cannot make too much of this, without first understanding what is behind it. Steven Covey - - seek first to understand, then be understood.

bryman

Man, this is such a similar situation to mine 3 years ago, it's making me sick. A wise man once told me (after I got married) that a man should only marry a woman who at least makes up for all of the crap you have to put up with in some other way. The "other way" could be many things - use your imagination. If you have a give and take relationship where you do the giving and she does all the taking already, you might be fine with it now, but a few years down the road you'll swear you have the word "TOOL" tatooed across your forehead. If you're really lucky, she might even decide to take you for granted, start complaining about how all you've busted your butt for to give her isn't good enough to make her happy, and stop loving you romantically. Then you find out you are in the "friend zone" with your wife, and she's just fine with that (when she's not whining about how much her life sucks). Sorry for the rant, but as you can tell I speak from experience.

SixtySix

You speak wisdom there Bryan [img]style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/thumb.gif[/img]

I'm going through my divorce right now (it's final in 13 days), and it's been stressful...but in many respects it's been pretty civil without any disagreements about who gets what and that kind of stuff.

Luckily, we didn't have kids.

If you decide to go to counseling be very observant of how she handles that. If she goes into it trying to control the sessions by not being honest, you must move on.

I tried like heck for 15 years to make mine work, and 10 years ago during a rough patch we went to counseling and she did just that. It was a sign of things to come and ended up being just like Bryan describes above.

So do yourself a favor. Take the car out of the equation right now completely and get to the heart of the matter with her and REALLY discuss it.

Good Luck [img]style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/thumb.gif[/img]

PaulF

<div class='quotetop'>QUOTE(WarBird69 @ May 2, 2006, 7:33 PM) Quoted post</div><div class='quotemain'>
In fact... ever since this little...scuffle... I've found myself being distant. Not sexually attracted to her, not the same person I met 4 years ago. More or less wishing she would just go away. Luckily, she IS going away Friday for the weekend. Gives me time to really do some soul searching.
I thought I knew I wanted to marry this woman. I was 110% sure this was THE one for me. A $1000 platinum solitare said that (wouldn't buy just ANYONE platinum). But after this.... my confidence is replaced with sheer terror. Before, mentioning the wedding made me smile and my stomach flutter. Now, my stomach churns and I feel like I'm being chased by large dogs (terrified). Not just in the fact I may be making a mistake, but how to either fix things or get the heck out of here without causing too much damage.

And the car is just a want. I've got a car that works just fine. Its a want I've saved for and worked toward for 3 years now (whenever concept came out).

*sigh* I hate life sometimes. When it good, its good. But when its rough, its like being in a tug boat in the middle of the ocean during a hurricane.
[/b][/quote]

Warbird,

Reading this was almost like reading my first marriage....

My ex-wife and I had 6 cats and we got a dog. Somehow it became MY duty to clean up after the cats and walk the dog all the time, take it to training, clean up after it, the works. She got to do the fun stuff like run her in the park, take her swimming, all that garbage. Got to the point where the dog saw me as the help and her as the owner, so it wouldn't listen to me as much. Pissed me off too, because she was completely unappreciative of everything I was doing, as well. My ex, not the dog, btw! [img]style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/biggrinjester.gif[/img]

She pressured me into the pets and I gave in, because I thought I was making her happy....as it turned out, she was using the pets as a replacement for a child, which even though we talked about it and agreed that we would have kids, she decided one day that she didn't want to. [img]style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/nonono.gif[/img] (Good choice, in retrospect)

We got divorced shortly after she dropped that bomb on me (the straw that broke the camels back). I even gave her the house to get out of it faster. It was expensive, but worth it!

That was the bad stuff....this is the good part:

In less than a year, I met my current wife! I now have three AWESOME stepkids and a boy of my own (future Mustang driver....never wants to ride in my wife's Taurus, ALWAYS makes a bee-line for my 'Stang when we are going "bye-bye in the car" and tries to open the door!). My wife's first car was a '67 Mustang (rustbucket!) and when I was looking for a car to replace our Intrepid, she was very much into me getting my '00 stang, with the idea that I'd be getting an '07. (Turns out that we just bought a new house and the 'Stang is on hold for now, but I got a two car garage out of the deal and she's liking the idea of restoring a '69 or '70 Mustang Fastback or Mach 1. I was initially annoyed, but I got over it....sort of. lol)

My point here is this: You and your girl need to sit down and work this out. You need to be VERY upfront with her about how you are feeling (especially the distant and not attracted parts, no matter how much it hurts) and find out what she is thinking. She might be thinking the same things that you are! You have to be able to talk to her about stuff like this, otherwise little things are going to drive a wedge between you.
Everyone that has said it is right....this disagreement IS a window to the future. Things don't get easier with marriage, they get harder, especially if you and your spouse aren't on the same page!

You could sit down, talk with your girl and everything comes out smelling like roses, your relationship gets stronger and you get married and get your car. Or things go the other way and you saved yourself alot of money, grief and more importantly, heartache. Divorces are painful, no matter how easy they are or quickly they get completed, so you want to be super sure she's the right one for you.

And if she's not the one, there is someone else out there that is perfect for you! I'm living proof of that. Someone that is interested in what you are interested in and really is willing to compromise, be understanding and be someone that you KNOW you can count on when the going gets tough, because it will!

I hope everything works out for you, either way!

<div class='quotetop'>QUOTE(SixtySix @ May 2, 2006, 9:13 PM) Quoted post</div><div class='quotemain'>
If you decide to go to counseling be very observant of how she handles that. If she goes into it trying to control the sessions by not being honest, you must move on.
[/b][/quote]


Amen to that, brother! My ex-wife did the same thing and basically the counsellor was turning everything into my fault. BTW, if you find a counsellor that is taking sides, find another one, because she/he isn't worth the time or effort. They are supposed to be impartial, not someone that will exsasperate the situation!

slammer223

<div class='quotetop'>QUOTE(Darth Stang @ May 1, 2006, 10:50 AM) Quoted post</div><div class='quotemain'>
Hey SSgt (S),

Take some advice from a USAF field grader with some experience in airman-airman relationships...you're both too young and nuts to know what you're doing. Everyone on this board has told you the exact same thing, if this is how it goes for something small, imagine how bad it will be when you're married. No one is sayign your wife should be a docile idiot, but she shouldn't be an obstacle to your happiness. Lots of folks in you position are eager to get married because it means base housing and more money, or owrse, you knocked her up. Go to the hospital, and count how many hotter E-3s there are walking the halls before you decide she's the one for you. Before you get hit with Joint-spouse decisions, family care, and deployment problems, maybe you should step back and see if she's got your back. Already, she keeps 6 cats ( insanity indicator...) that's she's allergic to and you both have to spend money to feed, and now wants a dog. Doesn't sound like she has the good judgement gene. Sounds like a me-first type, who in five or so years will grow up. I'm sure she wants a fancy wedding too.

Hey, don't forget, you may be immature too (just remember, the lemon lot is full of hot cars with red stickers--guys who thought E-4s and 5s made enough to cover payment, gas, and insurance). I know it means your love life will be a little dry for a while, but you probably want to re-think this marriage. Last thing I'd want to see is my guys coming to your house because she trashed your car! [img]style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/wink.gif[/img]

-Darth
[/b][/quote]

Let me pile-on from a retired field grader... Everything Darth says is 100% accurate. You need to REALLY consider future joint assignments, deployments, kids, household expenses, etc etc... How will she react to those. Chances are that if you get married, she'll be out within a year and you'll have kid(s).
A woman with 6 cats has got to be partially insane. Especially with allergys.

Please heed the advice people are giving here. Don't let your small head take over from the large cranium to make the decisions here.

And one more thing....Stay away from McDooDoos and keep going to the gym. [img]style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/thumb.gif[/img]
Good Luck with your decision.

AFBLUE

<div class='quotetop'>QUOTE</div><div class='quotemain'>and count how many hotter E-3s there are walking the halls before you decide she's the one for you[/b][/quote]

You're scaring me Darth! You're not suppose to notice them. [img]style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/biggrinjester.gif[/img]

Warbird, I've got no horror stories to tell you, but I remember the girl I dated before I got married to my wife. I knew it wasn't going to work when she started telling me what I needed to do after the 1st or 2nd date (e.g. You need to clean that garage).

Choose wisely. If you don't you will regret it.

ISELLFORD

Let me throw out an older prospective [plus I was a section leader in the Navy with younger married/single guys as well as older married guys in my section; I was the "older 26 year old E-6 that everyone came to for advice].

Your situation is deeper than cats/dogs, and a car. It is about mutual understanding and trust. My wife and I will be married 25 years this August and things could not be better; she was 25 and I was 32. Besides being my wife, she is my best friend. You need to lok at your entire relationship and decide if it a 50/50 give and take. From your posts it appears like it is more 90/10 and that is not healthy. The one example you gave, that you both agreed if you lost the weight and got the promotion, that you could reward yourself with the car. When that finally happened, she threw another caveat at you witrh the dog. There is definately something deeper going on here and until the two of you work through it, DO NOT proceed with the wedding. The relationship is not ready and the "I Do's" will not change anything except make it more difficult and costly if things do not work out. if you are having any hesitation at all, which it sounds like you are, take a time out and re-assess the situation. it is better to disappoint family now than enter into a marriage that is doomed from the beginning.

Feel free to drop me a PM or give me a call if you would like to talk one on one.

WarBird69

Great advice guys. Like I said before, I'll be using this weekend to do some soul searching and talking to the Big Man Upstairs (and Big Mama [my mother]). After that, then the woman and I will be sitting down for a very serious talk. Perhaps counceling or whatever. I think TMS counceling is cheaper anyway. [img]style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/biggrinjester.gif[/img]

There's more to the situation that happened long ago. Its something I kind of pushed out of my mind, because I was in the wrong in snooping. But... since I'm basically here.... *lies down on couch* .... tell me what you think of this:

My woman and I had been together maybe... 2 months. I had not moved in with my woman at the time. While she went out of town to her parents house, she said I could do laundry at her house as long as I checked on the cats food/water and replinished as necessary. Not a big deal, reasonable request. So anyway... sitting on her couch, curiosity got the worst of me. I went upstairs to a "junk room" and just started looking around. I found an old journal of hers from around the time we first met, and started reading it. (Yes, VERY WRONG on my part...). My conscious got the better of me, so I deceided to put it down. Then I saw my name, so I couldn't stop reading. She commented on how she thought I was cute and a cool guy. Neat! Well.... I kept reading. Next followed a short list of guys she would like to have sex with. I'm on the list... no big deal. This was from a while ago when we were both single. Passed the point of no return, I keep reading. Blah blah blah.... turn the page to an entry dated about a week later. It went into detail of a sexual experience between her and my old roommate. This shocked me, because I had *ASKED* her *TO HER FACE* before if they had slept together, only reason being he was basically a male jigalo and got to just about every girl in our dorm. She denied anything sexual happened. She stated she hated him and wouldn't touch his "disease infested **** with a 10 foot pole". Feeling hurt, betrayed, and the need for a STD test, I placed the journal down and went back to watching TV. I went back later and re-read the same entry, over and over, unsure if I could believe my eyes. She has no idea I know.

.... I know reading that journal was wrong. VERY wrong on my part. EXTREMELY wrong on my part. I SHOULD BLEED OUT MY EYES wrong... but why would she lie to me about this, say I'm her second partner (when who knows how many there are if she lies about one...), ect ect?
Also saw a pic of some guy grabbing her ***** up there. When we cleaned out that room together in preparation for my move in, I came across it again. She saw it right before I could pick it up, snatched it, said "just an old pic of a friend", and tossed it away.

I hope you guys aren't charging by the hour. My check may bounce otherwise! [img]style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/eek.gif[/img]

And most of all.... just thank each and every one of you for listening to my rambling and offering advice.

BuzzyStang05

TMS = the Marriage Source ??? [img]style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/icon_mrgreen.gif[/img]. What kind of advice do we all think Nick would get on Stangnet? Now I love this forum even more. Smart thinking here!

Getting back to your latest post. Yeah, reading a person's diary is wrong, wrong, wrong. I guess a persons's past partner history is their own business too, to a certain point. Everyone's got a skeleton in their closet...yada yada...

BUT...you did ask and she lied to you. Maybe she was trying to spare your feelings or she regretted it eventually and doesn't want to talk about it. But if she can lie to your face about something like that before you're married, she can lie to your face about something like that after you're married. I couldn't ever trust a person like that, ever.

If things don't work out...don't expect the ring back. And don't be a dweeb ask for it back either. Let her pawn it for the dog. [img]style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/biggrinjester.gif[/img]

karman

<div class='quotetop'>QUOTE(WarBird69 @ May 3, 2006, 4:49 PM) Quoted post</div><div class='quotemain'>
Great advice guys. Like I said before, I'll be using this weekend to do some soul searching and talking to the Big Man Upstairs (and Big Mama [my mother]). After that, then the woman and I will be sitting down for a very serious talk. Perhaps counceling or whatever. I think TMS counceling is cheaper anyway. [img]style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/biggrinjester.gif[/img]

There's more to the situation that happened long ago. Its something I kind of pushed out of my mind, because I was in the wrong in snooping. But... since I'm basically here.... *lies down on couch* .... tell me what you think of this:

My woman and I had been together maybe... 2 months. I had not moved in with my woman at the time. While she went out of town to her parents house, she said I could do laundry at her house as long as I checked on the cats food/water and replinished as necessary. Not a big deal, reasonable request. So anyway... sitting on her couch, curiosity got the worst of me. I went upstairs to a "junk room" and just started looking around. I found an old journal of hers from around the time we first met, and started reading it. (Yes, VERY WRONG on my part...). My conscious got the better of me, so I deceided to put it down. Then I saw my name, so I couldn't stop reading. She commented on how she thought I was cute and a cool guy. Neat! Well.... I kept reading. Next followed a short list of guys she would like to have sex with. I'm on the list... no big deal. This was from a while ago when we were both single. Passed the point of no return, I keep reading. Blah blah blah.... turn the page to an entry dated about a week later. It went into detail of a sexual experience between her and my old roommate. This shocked me, because I had *ASKED* her *TO HER FACE* before if they had slept together, only reason being he was basically a male jigalo and got to just about every girl in our dorm. She denied anything sexual happened. She stated she hated him and wouldn't touch his "disease infested **** with a 10 foot pole". Feeling hurt, betrayed, and the need for a STD test, I placed the journal down and went back to watching TV. I went back later and re-read the same entry, over and over, unsure if I could believe my eyes. She has no idea I know.

.... I know reading that journal was wrong. VERY wrong on my part. EXTREMELY wrong on my part. I SHOULD BLEED OUT MY EYES wrong... but why would she lie to me about this, say I'm her second partner (when who knows how many there are if she lies about one...), ect ect?
Also saw a pic of some guy grabbing her ***** up there. When we cleaned out that room together in preparation for my move in, I came across it again. She saw it right before I could pick it up, snatched it, said "just an old pic of a friend", and tossed it away.

I hope you guys aren't charging by the hour. My check may bounce otherwise! [img]style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/eek.gif[/img]

And most of all.... just thank each and every one of you for listening to my rambling and offering advice.
[/b][/quote]

OKAY, Listen up. My wife and I my not be perfect,but lying is not a part of our relationship(white lies excepted) Lying to your face about a FORMER tryst is a sure sign you have a problem. Definite counseling, she needs to be on the same page with you,

stangster

Warbird,

Having read through this thread, one thing is obvious. Your problems with your girlfriend go way beyond cats, dogs, and mustangs. I have been married (first and only) for 31 years. Like the rest on this forum who are/have been married, I can tell you that all relationships have their ups and downs. That's a given. But yours looks like a train headed for a certain wreck.

First, she flipped out because of the dog thing. Imagine what will happen when the two of you disagree about something that really matters. It sounds like she has learned the art of emotional manipulation to get what she wants. It will only get worse as time goes on. This will lead to resentment and bitterness.

Second, she has lied about previous sexual involvements. This is especially serious because you asked her point blank. A good marriage is based on honesty and trust. She sounds like she is neither honest or trustworthy.

Several have mentioned counseling. I agree! The two of you need some serious premarital counseling before you go any further. If she refuses, or isn't interested in addressing the issues she is bringing into this relationship once in counseling, you can be sure that things will only get worse once you are married.

My thoughts regarding marriage? [img]style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/thumb.gif[/img]

Marriage to the wrong person? [img]style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/thumbsdown.gif[/img]

freebass55

Because I don't know everthing about your situation, I am just gonna give you a little advice. GET RID OF THE PROBLEM! If you think it's a problem now, just wait. Don't get stuck, or feel like you are stuck in a relationship. Don't worry about her family, they won't care if you leave. Don't worry about your family, they'll always love you no matter what. Trust is the biggest part of my relationship with my wife. Do what makes you happy, you don't sound happy right now.

WarBird69

Just an update to anyone who is following this:

We've been on opposite shifts, so we haven't seen much of each other. I had one chance to talk to her, but I was a little and didn't say a word.

Ugh... I need a swift to get my butt into gear. Just afraid of her reaction... afraid of what the future will hold. Definately afraid to be homeless (we live together).

I hate confrontation.

MyNameIsBallz

If she is lieing to you about her past encouters now I would find no reason to trust her later. I don't care if a girl is trying to spare my feelings or not I'd rather not be lied to. Plus the guy was your roommate!

Go buy a Mustang and get the hell out of there. Just make sure you can afford another place to live after buying the Stang.

Mustang Ricky

If you make a mistake with the Mustang, you can sell it and not lose much money but you get to keep the memory.
If you make a mistake with a dog, it is not impossible to find another home for the poor animal if you can't properly care for it.
If you make a mistake with choosing a spouse. Man, that is really bad.
It is better to live on the corner of a roof, than to share a home with a contentious woman.

WarBird69

So we had "the talk" last night. I'll try to keep this short:

I brought up the fact I felt we were drifting apart. She cried. A lot. It broke my heart. She said all she wants is for me to be happy. She will try to keep up with the cats more. NO more animals for a LONG time. The whole dog explosion on her part was just her reacting before thinking. After like 2 hours of talking...I think things are straightened out. We'll see though.

And most importantly... the car is mine!

ipchay61

Congrats Warbird....glad you were able to work things out.

Chip in SC